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Mixed Feelings About Christmas

Tuesday, December 22, 2009   Mixed Feelings About Christmas     Going through a divorce and changing churches and remarrying and moving really messed me and my kids all up on family holiday traditions. Haven't been able to really get anything consistant going.   I also changed jobs along with the other changes--more than once, so building friendships has been very difficult. Thus, I have few non-family parties to go to.   My husband is also a loner for the most part so haven't been able to build couple's friendships either. One friend from church left the church suddenly. Another is now working 70 hr weeks and I believe I offended her so she ignores any overtures.   I'm also in a very wierd way caught between the black world and the white world. Hanging around black people so much at work and somewhat at church has made me no longer fit the white world very well, yet I'm not fully trusted and accepted in the black one either.   Being ADHD also can get in the way of friendships. I can be too frank and impulsive in what I say and too self-revealing. Scares people away.   I used to have a lot of friends in Alanon and we did fun things together, too. But when I remarried, my new DH didn't drink and making meetings became less of a necessity.I was also in a singles group where I was developing friends and that's where I met my DH which then took me out of the singles scene.   All the things that have gone wrong with my house, as well as having DS and DDIL and baby living in my house before that really put the kabosh on entertaining, though I was part of two church community groups in a row, both of which eventually fell apart. I did have them meet at my house sometimes.   Wierdly, the work I've done on myself in Alanon and in counseling and in reading tons of self-help books, as well as the work I've done bridging the gap between black and white, and the fact that I'm a much more independant thinking and behaving woman than most church women have all combined to make me not really fit in any group and to make it hard to find issues in common with other women. I can get by superficially but I haven't made deep friendships for a long time.   I tend to avoid really needy women because they bring out my own codependency issues and I get angry at them finally for not doing what they need to do to improve their lives. Other women are so busy rescuing the needy women that they have no time for relatively healthy friendships. They let these people suck up all their time and energy. I see so much of that in women in my church.   Also, so many events revolve around food and I think I've avoided those situations in order to keep from weighing even more than I eventually did.   I'm also uncomfortable in big group social settings--and that includes family ones. I invariably stick my foot in my mouth and end up over-eating to medicate my nerves and shut my mouth. When I was a kid I would take a book and read at family events. If kids wanted to play outside or run around inside and play actively, then I participated and had a good time.   I still will frequently find a relatively quiet place and talk to the one or two people who stop by, but I often wish I'd brought a book. So many people have nothing interesting to look at or read in their houses. Or they put it all away to straighten up the house for visitors.   At my daughter's on Christmas Day there is only one room for all the adults to be in, and it'll be crowded. I think I'll play with the kids except for when we're all together opening presents.   Christmas Eve won't be so bad. My sister-in-law's house has a room or two I can wander off to and get away from the crowd for a while. They'll also have booze, and booze, sad to say, does help. However, I never have more than two drinks. I really don't like the feeling of being even the least inebriated.   I have a lot of mixed feelings about the holidays. We were so ultra-religious growing up that we spent a lot of that time in church. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning services. New Year's Eve and New Year's morning. Nobody drank at all but there was always food at family functions which occurred after church, mostly with my mom's family.   We didn't really believe in Santa, but we opened presents on Christmas Eve.So I look forward to but I also dread the holidays. I allow myself more freedom to medicate with food at parties and try to not eat the days before and after. I'm sure I'm not the only one with mixed feelings.   So I'm writing about it to acknowledge and hopefully deal with these issues at this time of year. But I mostly am concentrating on the good things.   Abe Lincoln said, "Most people are as happy as they want to be."   This holiday I'm trying to concentrate on the good things, the noble things, the pure things, the lovely things. There's a lot of brain research that shows if you want to change your life, you have to change your brain. To change your brain and create new ways of thinking you have to deliberately work on changing your thoughts. The Bible got that right 2000 years ago.   Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Surgery as Surrender

Sunday, June 14, 2009   Surgery as surrender     Having once been married to an alcoholic and having attended Alanon for many, many years, I've learned a lot about addiction. I know that we are addicts because we are addicts. Environmental issues can impact the predisposition of our genes, but once our addictions are triggered, we are addicts because we are addicts.   I also know that in order to recover you have to be willing to do whatever it takes. You surrender your will to God and become willing to do whatever it takes, to go to whatever lengths it takes. For an alcoholic or drug addict that may mean going through rehab, going on meds to treat depression that could drive them back into addiction, working the 12 steps constantly, going to 90 meetings in 90 days, calling a sponsor and being sponsored, and never ever touching another drop of alcohol because once they start they can't stop.   In a very real sense this surgery represents my surrender. I will always have to eat to live. Everytime I pick up food it can trigger my addiction. Having attended many Overeater's Anonymous meetings, I can testify that very few people are able to permanantly keep their weight off. Only those who are capable of being really anal seem to succeed. Weighing, measuring, checking every ingredient, counting carbs, calories, points, filling out food plans. These may all be good things but I'm not capable of them--at least not for long. Just the thought of doing these things gives me a panic attack. I hire people to do my paperwork and attend to details because I'm so bad at it. I've accepted my ADHD as a gift and I no longer try to be good at what I'm not good at. I do what I'm good at, which is being a highly flexible, very creative, gifted teacher. I generate ideas like confetti. My lesson plans are barely a guideline.   By having this surgery, my stomach will become the weigher and the measurer. I can follow the simple food guidelines which will take me from clear liquids to 1000-1200 calories a day of healthy food without having to make food plans the rest of my life. Unhealthy food and too much food will make me very uncomfortable. I'll experience satiety--a completely unfamiliar feeling. And I'll be reprogramming the addiction center in my brain.   It won't be easy. I'll still be triggered by the sight, smell, and taste of food. The surgery will be a jumpstart on food sobriety, like going into rehab. I'll still have to surrender my food to God every day. But with my body cooperating instead of fighting it, I stand a much better chance of success. This is the length to which I am willing to go to acheive food sobriety and better health. This is my surrender to God. If your stomach offends you, if it causes you to stumble, if its an obsession that takes you away from being able to love God above all and your neighbor as yourself--tie it off.
 

Things That Make Me Feel Good.

Thursday, October 29, 2009   Things That Make Me Feel Good.     It was supposed to be 65 and sunny today. I was so looking forward to coming home and walking outside. Well, the sun never showed up and it never quite reached 65. I came home and got dressed for my walk, walked out the door and was met with a steady drizzle. This has been an incredibly wet autumn. So I changed coats, put on a hat, and went walking anyway. It was still light enough to see the golden colors of the remaining leaves. But I would have loved to have seen them lit by the sun. I think I do have a little more restriction. Which is good because I'm really craving food. Especially carbs.   Ahh Vicodin. Used after surgeries and for all types of pain. Kept me up all night in addition to constipating me. Puts some people to sleep. Me, it kept awake. Made my heart race. Hated it. Don't understand how people get addicted to it.   Love Miralax. Its my friend. Veggies and salads have never helped with my constipation. Took tons of fiber. Worked, but gave me gas. Course, so does the band. Or the Miralax. Or the protein shakes. Or the Kashi bar. Or all the protein. After the band I made up a new saying, "Feel free to fart frequently."   Lot of Dr.s telling people to take Vitamin D. Sometimes put them on megadoses to get their levels up. But some people don't feel well on the megadoses. You know, I take over the counter Vitamin D with no side effects. No megadoses. I probably get about 2-4000 IU per day. I'm increasing it because of the lack of sunshine this fall. I think its really helped with my Seasonal Affective Disorder.   I need to share a tidbit about the cerebellum and exercise. It used to be thought that the cerebellum, at the bottom back of your brain, only controlled movement. Now it is known that it is the source of sequencing which is the basis of logic, higher level thinking skills and math. When you excercise you burn neural pathways that increase your sequencing skills, thereby making you smarter. A school whose students ran for half an hour before school every morning not only saw obesity almost eliminated, they saw dramatic increases in test scores.   So, get moving ladies. Maybe we should make all politicians, business leaders, insurance CEOs, and pundits go out and run every morning. They could use some logic skills.   I also read yesterday that 30 minutes of aerobic exercise increases one's sense of well-being for up to 12 hours. I walked over an hour today. In the rain. And I felt good.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Celebration! Fun Without Fighting Fat and Food!

Sunday, October 11, 2009   Celebration! Fun Without Fighting Fat and Food!     Went to 125th Anniversary celebration of Roseland Christian School yesterday. Sang in the gospel choir and led the congregation in a song as an alto in a women's trio. Great speaker, great music. The 5th grade girls did a praise dance that was beautiful.   I had to wear a black bottom and bright top for the choir. I wore form fitting low rise charcoal pants and a form fitting sweet-heart necked top. I couldn't believe it fit and I looked good. I had to wear an old strapless bra I never thought I'd fit in again.   Then I went straight to my 40th class reunion. Fun in a different sort of way. However, hardly anybody I ever hung out with was there. I was not exactly Miss Popularity back in high school. However, three people I'm friends with on Facebook (though I never hung out with them in high school) did come up and mention how much they enjoy my blog. One of them is having LAP-BAND®® himself in December. His wife had a band which had to be removed and now she has a sleeve. She looked great. Like me, it was only 70 lbs but it was killing her emotionally as well as physically.   I did my 2 protein shakes and nothing else so that I could eat normally at the banquet. By which I do not mean I ate the way I used to. But I ate some of everything served that I liked and went ahead and drank punch, water, and coffee while I ate, took tiny bites, and thoroughly enjoyed my food. No weight gain this morning so I must have done well. However, I will walk again today (once it warms up, brrrr) and will really watch my food as well.   I'm going to tell the Dr. on my next fill that I want it filled to point where the food squeaks on its way through. I have no desire to ever go back to the old me.   Celebration! What fun when you're not fighting fat and food!
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Did Adam and Eve have Bellybuttons?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009   Did Adam and Eve have Bellybuttons?     One of the craziest arguments I ever got into was about whether Adam and Eve had bellybuttons. Some argued that since they were never born they wouldn't have had an umbilical cord. Others argued that they had to have had them or could not have genetically passed them on to their children. This was back when I was a freshman in college and as you can tell, this was a fairly conservative group of Christian young people.   It's a which came first, the chicken or the egg kind of dilemma.   The same thing is true of trying to get at the root causes of compulsive overeating. Their seems to be more and more evidence of brain chemistry at work in food addictions as well as genetic pre-dispositions to having these problems. At the same time, emotional factors seem to play a big role in all eating disorders and for some people seem to have been the trigger for their addictions. Social and spiritual issues are also involved. Chicken or egg?   Likewise, in dealing with compulsive overeating, a variety of tools is needed to find recovery. Some people find it helpful to to keep track of their food and plan it ahead of time. I have no problem with this as long as they don't expect me to do it, too. Just thinking about doing it makes me want to eat.   I don't have a problem with it as long as it doesn't become just another form of the disease, another food obsession, with the restrictions reaching the point of ridiculousness. I knew one man who was genuinely allergic to gluten so he eliminated all gluten from his diet and felt much better. He was no longer heavy but he decided he was addicted to carbs, especially simple carbs and eliminated all carbs other than fruits and vegetables. Then he switched from caffeine to decaf but decided decaf was now an addiction and had to be eliminated. Of course, sugar substitutes were an addiction, and oversized portions were an addiction so he weighed and measured everything. I don't think he ate red meat. His food plan became his bible. He and another woman who didn't have the gluten issue but had been massively overweight and followed the same food plan combined forces and began promoting their food plan in OA meetings.   Many people asked them to be sponsors because they appeared to be successful in conquering their food addiction. Those of us who didn't adopt their plan began to feel like misfits. Eventually they formed their own recovery business, divorced their respective spouses and married each other. When I went back to OA recently I saw a lot of that same mentality.   The fact is that I am totally incapable of that kind of rigidity. I really am officially diagnosed as ADHD and my friends and co-workers know it and joke about it with me. I designed my job so that my assistants would take care of all paperwork and details and organization that drive me crazy. At home my husband does the same. This has freed me up to stop trying to be someone I'm not, and allowed me to do what I'm really good at--teaching and tutoring at-risk students with all my creative juices flowing, with flexibility and the ability to change lesson plans in a heartbeat and fly by the seat of my pants in a new direction when the situation needs it.   Many of the emotional issues that contribute to my eating disorder arise from being an ADHD girl in a school, church, and social setting where that was not acceptable (it hadn't even been given a name, yet). Its taken me a long time to learn to love my ADHD and the gifts its given me. I can't be around people who trigger that old shame from my childhood, people who think that everyone should be able to recover using the same rigid techniques.   This past year I really saw and measured the progress my students made over time, I saw ideas I had bloom and take on a life of their own in ways that really helped and will help the school. My classroom and my work have been enormously blessed. My ability to see the big picture and implement a long-term vision for my classroom paid off. My classroom is where I am most myself, where my ADHD is my biggest asset.   I think that's partly what gave me the courage to go ahead with the lapband. I picked a tool that works for me and coordinates well with my ADHD. Instead of ADHD being the trigger for compulsive overeating, I'm letting it be part of the cure. This blog is evidence of that.   I am becoming the person God has always meant for me to be. I am doing the good work he set aside for me to do. I will not be made over into the image of those who would shame me for not being like them. I want to be made over more and more into his image. I want to hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant. Enter into my rest."
 

Taking the Bad with the Good

Wednesday, June 24, 2009   Taking the Bad with the Good     I'm crabby. I haven't been kind to my husband. We are in the middle of a heat wave and our air has been out. I'm trying to sleep at home, since I didn't sleep well at my mother's. Also, 2 nights in a row, the laxative I took before going to bed came back up on me. Last night was particularly bad. I don't think it ever dissolved and went down the donut hole. Maybe it was oil and floated. It hit the back of my throat and I woke up coughing and gagging to the point of having trouble breathing. Without thinking I'd reswallowed the mess along with all the saliva that'd been activated. My poor little new tummy. It all came up again and I ended up for the next hour coughing and spitting out or wiping out all the saliva and phlegm out of my mouth so my tummy would get a rest. Plus the pain of swallowing was back.   Setbacks are part of life. I will not take that particular laxative again and certainly not at that time. I realized that I might have some real difficulties whenever I get a cold. I don't want to even think about stomach "flu." Fortunately I don't get frequent colds (I think I had one last year) and I get a stomach bug about once every 5-7 years. I really hate throwing up so that's an added incentive to keep the amount of food in my stomach small.   Right now my tummy holds about 2 oz. Once healed it will hold closer to 6 oz. That's a fraction of what it used to hold.   It's midnight and the house has not yet cooled down at all. I've apologized to my husband. My tummy had a different laxative much earlier and everything seems quite settled. Hopefully I'm so tired I'll sleep despite the heat. I'll position the fan to blow on me.   On the blessing side, I went to my daughter's house to stay cool and babysat my 2 yr. old grandson Joshua. He was a joy to be with and enjoyed eating all of my special foods with me. I brought plenty because I knew that would happen. He kissed my tummy to make it better when I showed him the bruising and incision so he would know he couldn't maul me the way he frequently does.   Thank you Lord for providing the medical means to help me get this disease under control. Thank you for grandchildren who make having the surgery to regain my health all worth while. Thank you for air conditioning and for having to live and sleep without it so that I will once again appreciate it. Thank you for setbacks that make me apprecaite when all is going well. Thank you for cream of chicken soup. Every drop was delicious.
 

Surgeries Done, New Life's Begun

Friday, June 19, 2009   Sugery's Done, New Life's Begun     Surgery went well. The Dr. fixed a hiatal hernia (common with overweight people) which should fix my GERD (gastroesophogeal reflux). That'll be one less pill right there. However, with laparoscopic surgery air gets put into the abdominal cavity. Every time I take a sip of liquid and I swallow some air goes into my stomach which pushes on the air outside the stomach which presses some nerve in the diaphram that sends referred pain to the shoulders. I should absorb that air in a few days. My stomach's a little sore, but so far, there are very few repercussions to me physically. I'm only allowed to drink clear liquids for the first 5-7 days, and believe me, that's all I can handle.   I can't garden for a few weeks or take a bath or go swimming. There's a port under the skin that the Dr. will use to adjust my lap band (think inflatable doughnut.) He'll put a needle through that port to blow up the ring as my stomach shrinks and the band loosens. If I have complications, the band can be removed.   I am quite mobile, I can walk as much as I want, I just can't do anything strenuous that might move the band out of place. I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. I was very at peace before the surgery that I was doing the right thing and that God was with me.   I'm excited and scared about this new life but I know God is walking with me through it all.
 

Taking a Break, Getting Back on Track.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009   Taking a Break, Getting Back on Track.     Catch up post. I'm going to be gone for four days at 2 retreats as well as 2 days of conferences. I was at conferences 2 days last week and I've already been at one long meeting after school this week.   My food was off last week but I'm getting it back on track. Almost a month of gray skies, cold weather and off and on rain do not help me cope with food. I still managed to get out and excercise but it was hard. I made it through to my reunions and the 125th anniversary celebration for Roseland Christian School at the weight I wanted to reach, but then it was like I needed a break. If I can get back on track, that will make a change from past periods of weight loss.   Also trying to velcro my butt to the seat at those conferences was really hard, too. Food usually helps me do that. Candy all over, difficult meals to deal with, Halloween candy at home.   However, I'm getting some extraordinary compliments. Fifty pounds off and long hair flipped up in a new style had my stepdaughter, one of my pastors, and some co-workers telling me I looked incredible. My stepdaughter kept repeating, "You're beautiful. Just Beautiful."   Good incentive to get back on track with the food.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Living With Uncertainty

Wednesday, August 12, 2009   Living With Uncertainty     I am gearing myself up for a possible job change. I was hoping to be able to not have any changes in my job or the way I do things, but that may not be possible. My school is having financial difficulties, which, if they survive the next year or two, could be a turning point for the school. If they survive.   My services as a supplemental instructor for reading and math are paid for by No Child Left Behind. I actually work for a vendor who is paid for by Chicago Public Schools. Next year the system will totally change. CPS is hiring a vendor to provide services to all the private and parochial schools. They do not have to hire me. My school will have to lobby hard to keep me but there's no guarantee.   So, I'm going to have to polish up a resume, just in case. Even worse, I think I'm going to have to start taking more post graduate classes and get a reading specialist endorsement on my certificate or a master's degree. Neither of which will make me a better teacher.   I'm not into titles or initials behind my name. I have no desire to take any more classes ever again in my life. I like seminars and training in things that interest me and I know will help me be a more effective teacher in an area in which I feel I need refreshing or am not accomplishing my goals.   My ADHD makes the thought of having to focus my attention on a boring textbook, or a boring professor, or having to write in a formulaic style and deal with footnotes and bibliographies in this crazy information inflated technobabble world, a nightmare.   I'm scared and I'm mad. I'm 57. Teaching is not easy. Especially at-risk kids with academic needs on the South Side of Chicago. This economy bites. My husband took early retirement when he could no longer get employment. I was hoping he would keep working and I would retire at 62.   Ain't gonna happen. According to my brother in today's world we all have to think as if we were 10 years younger than what we are. Hard to do when R&R for me does not mean rest and relaxation, it means repairs and replacements.   I've gone through major surgery on my neck to relieve pressure on two herniated discs and restore function to my right side. I still have considerable trouble with my neck. I've had shoulder repair, double knee replacements,, and a hysterectomy to stop me from bleeding to death.   And now I've had lap-band surgery. Compared to my other surgeries it was relatively minor. But its impact is just a great. I thought my co-morbidities combined with my osteo-arthritis were going to force me to go on disability possibly even before the age of 62. Now, I think I may choose to go into another field rather than try to keep teaching till the age of 67 when I'll be able to collect Social Security. But I do think my body will be able to keep working (although I'm not so sure about my mind.)   I don't know where God is leading me. So far he's taken very good care of me. I have to trust him to lead me in the right direction with my job.     I am content no matter what my circumstance, I am content no matter what my lot I know what it means to live in want or have plenty, I know the the meaning of being content. Is I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Yes I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
 

Food, Farts, and Footwork

Thursday, July 2, 2009   Food, Farts, and Footwork     Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat beans at every meal.   I'm being silly. However, I am eating beans everyday-not the green kind. They're perfect for this soft food stage and high in protein with complex carbs that don't shoot up your blood sugar. So what if they make you fart.   I also had some canned salmon which I mixed with cream of mushroom soup (healthy recipe) with no added water or milk instead of mayonaisse. I heated it and added some Le Seur baby peas. Delicious. My husband put his on toast. Salmon ala king. He loved it.   I was very careful to eat according to the soft food diet, making sure I didn't drink anything for at least a half an hour before and after each meal.   I have found out that it's very easy to cheat and get more food just by adding a little liquid to the meal, making it go down the donut hole faster leaving room to eat more. I've also found that if you eat slowly enough and chew everything thoroughly you can also keep eating. I'm not supposed to eat for more than 30 minutes for a reason.   I've been doing quite well, but today I read a lot on a website for lapbanders (who call themselves bandsters) and learned some scary things about people who don't follow the protocol. Right now its the new small stomach and the swelling from putting in the lapband that's creating the feeling of fullness. Some people don't seem to feel that restriction or they make bad food choices and may actually gain weight.   The donut hole isn't that small yet. At about 6 weeks after surgery they'll inject the band with saline, expanding the donut to make the hole smaller. This will become necessary as the fat pad against which it rests begins to shrink, making the lapband looser. Some people don't start losing weight until the band has been filled several times.   That scared me enough to make me get out the diet info. again and not rely on my admittedly unreliable memory for details.   I should tell you also that my neck and lower back, hips, and shoulder are responding to going back on my anti-inflammatory as did sleeping with bolsters and pillows to reset and realign the spine while I slept. I also hung upside down on my incline board for very short periods of time to decompress my spine. Today I stayed mostly very still in a very comfortable position and did nothing to aggravate the discs.   Taking care of myself. Listening to my body and letting it heal. Making use of the medical miracles available to me whether surgery or drugs. Working with my new tummy and following not fighting protocol. Asking for prayer.   We do the footwork. We show the willingness. We leave the results in God's hands.
 

Everything I've Been Through

Tuesday, July 14, 2009   Everything I've Been Through     I scheduled my first fill for August 11. I'm noticing hunger between meals the past few days. I'm also finding that I could keep eating when I'm done with my food, more food than I was able to choke down until the past week. So I went ahead and scheduled my fill. They'll only put in a little. See how I do. Put in a little more. See how I do, until I hit what people call "the sweet spot." At which point, as far as I can figure, things become easier.   As long as I follow the basic food plan and the protocol for when to drink fluids, which I described in an earlier blog, hunger and the desire to eat both diminish greatly. Not everyone reaches that point. You can still eat around the band by drinking with your meals, you can eat things like ice cream which slide past the band, you can consistently make less than healthy food choices. Your results won't be as good.   Weight loss surgery, no matter what kind, is just a tool. I have to keep doing the footwork. I'm finding a lot of support on-line on the Lap Band Surgery and Lap Band Discussion Forum. I'm hoping to find a non-shaming support group to help me deal with my food issues and gently hold me accountable. I plan to continue writing in this blog as various issues come up. Just the discipline of writing every night helps hold me accountable.   I feel amazingly empty of feelings and thoughts tonight. I think I drained myself (temporarily)talking about shame and guilt, ADHD, and, especially, yesterday's post on codependency. That was a difficult post to write. I learned a lot about codependency and addiction in my years attending a 12-step program for people who have been impacted by someone else's addiction.   Addiction is a family disease and not just the addict or alcoholic's problem. Food helped me cope, it helped me survive, but it, too, becomes an addiction. It's an unhealthy relationship that stabs you in the back. Codependency has to be dealt with in order to recover from food addiction.   There's a song going through my head. We've been singing it in church fairly frequently.   Lord I offer my life to you, Everything I've been through, Use it for your glory.   Lord I offer my days to you, lifting my praise to you, As a pleasing sacrifice   Lord I offer you my life.   Amen.
 

47 Lbs Down, 23 to Go

Sunday, September 27, 2009   47 Lbs Down, 23 to Go     My body has changed so much since the last time I weighed this much. I've totally lost my butt and now have the typical Dutch flat wide back end of a bus hind end.I also had a fat abdomen but not a tummy. Now I've got 2 rolls and the bigger one is on top My waist is thicker, my hips are thinner and so are my thighs. If it fits my waist it bags on my butt and thighs. So what suits me is not currently in the stores. LOL. But I still look better in clothes than before, and want more of them.   A week ago I went shopping. I'm in between an XL and an L. Neither looked right. The mirrors and lighting in the fitting rooms are absolutely unforgiving. My body's fat distribution has changed so much from the last time I lost weight. My upper stomach sticks out more than my abdomen, but the abdomen has the hanging skin. My thighs are thinner but unbelievably flabby and flappy. My legs are full of varicose veins. My butt has become the typical Dutch butt--wide and flat like the back end of a bus. Once upon a time my figure was hourglass. That was depressing. I left the store and didn't buy anything.   Makes me want plastic surgery but I'll never be able to afford it. And I'm scared of the pain. Sounds worse than my knee surgeries, neck surgery, and my hysterectomy combined..Gettin' old is a real bitch.   My hysterectomy 10 years ago is partially responsible for the redistribution of my weight. Pregnancies, nursing, age and weight loss have warped the rest.   I went back a few days later. Bought some XLs and hope they shrink a little when I wash them so they'll fit a while. Today I used my cash back bucks to buy a really great pair of pants. My guess is nobody my age except the very rich looks very good without their clothes. I feel like I'm starting to look good in my clothes. That's a good thing.   My goal is to reach goal by my birthday, Dec. 30. Forty-seven lbs. down, 23 to go.   In my quest to remain thin and fight my food addiction I used and did a lot of things.     Weight Watchers Dexatrim Slimfast Atkins Jenny Craig Hypnosis Thyroid with an unknown appetite suppressant Overeaters Anonymous TOPS exercising like a maniac a religious group (lasted 2 meetings, too many rules, too much talk about gluttony, figured Jesus would not have attended either) various supplements which I believe had extreme amounts of caffeine and who knows what in them.   I've lived 57 years. I don't even remember all the things I did and tried.   But I'm looking much better. 47 lbs off, 23 to go. Whoo hoo! Not there yet. This is the weight I was at the end of my pregnancies.   But my health is so much better. No more blood pressure meds or supplements. No more reflux meds since the Dr. fixed my hiatal hernia when he put in the lapband. I'm thinking soon no more cholesterol meds.   I've discovered Miralax and am no longer eating fiber like a madwoman to counteract the constipation I've suffered since a baby.   I walk 2-3 mi/day at least 5 days a week. Its the only exercise I can really do. Walk outside as much as possible to enjoy the view, fresh air and the sunshine when available. I do have a treadmill I picked up at a garage sale for $35 that I use when the weather gets bad. I can also go to the community center and walk for free on their walking track.   I have a lot more energy, which I need to keep up with the kids I teach and my grandkids. I have some issues, but with the help of the band, they're not driving me into the food.   God is good, all the time, All the time, God is good.   And I can do all things, through him who strengthens me.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Another Ticket! ADHD Strikes Again

Thursday, August 13, 2009   Another Ticket! ADHD Strikes Again.     I am so sick of ADHD. All of a sudden I'm leaving my lights on in my car. I always drive with my lights on, day or night, and automatically turn them off when I park. I know people see me easier if my lights are on plus I got sick of forgetting to turn my lights on as it turned dusk while I was driving. Doing it all the time made it part of my routine. But this summer, the lapband thing (including this blog) has taken over my mind. So has Facebook.   I haven't been driving as much because I'm not teaching, I can't go shopping or places that cost money because I have no money--at least no extra money. So I'm out of my routine, and have developed a new passion that appears to have hijacked my remaining brain cells--at least the ones that involve driving.   So far I've been in an accident that got me a ticket, my grandson asked me why the lights were on after we exited the car, some kind neighbors of the school where I work knocked on the door to tell me my lights were on, and I didn't turn the lights all the way off when I went to Borders to read for an afternoon, and had to call my husband to come jump the car. Twice this week I found myself driving south down 394 to my daughter's when that wasn't where I was going. Today, I didn't notice the Do Not Park signs on the trees at work.They post these when the street cleaner is coming by and I got a parking ticket. Aargh! I'm going broke(er)! I need school to start to get me into a routine so my brain starts functioning again.   So I'm cutting back on some of the sites I've been visiting. I've cut back on Facebook. I'm actually getting at this blog and finishing it at a reasonable time and going to bed at a reasonable time. Next week I'll be at school several days to get my room ready and attend inservices. The following week school starts on the 26th.   I was at school today with my assistant working on the room as well. While I was there I met with a parent. School is slowly taking over my brain again. You'll probably start getting teaching stories from me now.   But one thing remains formost--managing my eating disorder. Its not gone. Its lurking. The band makes it manageable. School will bring its own complications. But I will be back in a routine. Routines really help ADHD people. Till they forget their routines and forget to turn their lights off on their cars.   I'm trying to establish a food routine. But I am very aware that it doesn't take much for a change in cirumstance to destroy a routine I've had for years--turning my lights on after I start the car, and turning them off immediately after shutting off the engine.   But I can do all things, Through him who strengthens me.   I'm in his hands, no matter what my lot, no matter what my circumstance. I can get through the good stuff, I can get through the bad stuff.   I know the secret to being content is knowing he'll give me the strength to get through multiple ADHD moments, tickets, potential job loss, good food days, and bad food days. I got a ticket today. I didn't overeat.
 

That Way Lies Death

Monday, July 13, 2009   That Way Lies Death     We are all codependents. If we aren't then we're probably sociopaths. Some are drill sergeant codependents, ordering everyone around for what we think is their own good. Others are helicopters, hovering over people, trying to keep them happy. Both believe that what they're doing is for other people's own good. Both are controlling, and both styles prevent other people from learning life lessons they need to learn. Both do for others what they should be doing for themselves. Both end up being resented. Some people alternate between both styles.   The style that is most associated with eating disorders and food addiction is the people-pleasing, keep the peace at whatever cost, submit to the controlling person, negate yourself, take care of others at the expense of yourself style of codependency. The fact is that nobody else can control what or whether or not you eat. Parents of young children soon find this out with their toddlers. People may binge on food to keep from feeling or to medicate the depression, anxiety, loss of sense of self, suppressed anger, etc., or they refuse to eat at all in an attempt to regain some form of control in their lives. Nobody can make me eat, and nobody can stop me from eating.   For women especially, Christianity compounds the issue because it gets justified Biblically. Blessed are the peacemakers, submit to your husbands, in humilty each consider the other better than himself. I'm not going to get into the twisting of the Bible that has led to this form of codependent mentality, but I am going to say the the Bible Belt has some of the largest concentration of women suffering from depression as well as women suffering from obesity.   Being raised in a family affected by substance abuse also contributes to codependency. So does physical and sexual abuse. Even the constant badgering by someone determined to control the thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and actions of those around him/her is a form of abuse that creates codepedency. Its emotional, spiritual, and mental battering.   How do we counteract these influences when they were so much a part of the way we were raised? It doesn't happen overnight.   I can remember a rough time in my life when everyday as I would walk around the neighborhood I would chant, "I am somebody, I am worthwhile, I am somebody, I am God's child." I journaled, I expressed myself through poetry and art. I wrote letters to God in which I poured out my feelings of despair and anger. I attended 12-step programs for codependents. I went on medication for depression. I got counseling. I got a job. I started doing things that made me feel good, that I was good at. I got many change back messages from my family and sometimes I was not nice in the way I broke off some of my codependent behavior.   I still struggle with codependency. I am one of those who can alternate between the people-pleasing form of codependency and its frequent recourse to manipulation, passive-agressive behavior, and avoidance of any form of confrontation, and trying to control the situation by giving lots of advice. When I'm really feeling powerless in the face of someone else's attempts to control me, or treat me like I'm dumb and don't know what I'm talking about, I have been known to yell.   And I eat. I don't think its any coincidence that the times I was successful in getting off the weight, I felt in control of my own life. Everytime I gained it back, with interest, I felt like I had given up my control in order to please someone else, that I was avoiding needed confrontation about behaviors that were jeapordizing me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially. That I wasn't taking care of myself in these ways.   I am far from having it all together. I think the times I've resorted to yelling have been times when the pain of suppressing my feelings and thoughts was so great I've had to vent some of the steam before I could channel it and use it to say and do what really needed to be said and done.   I know this, God did not design me to be a doormat for people to wipe their feet on. And I'm not doing those who would try this any favors by letting them get away with it. Hopefully, I'll find balance and appropriateness in the way I express myself. But I need to express myself and not ignore the feelings or stuff them. That way lies death.
 

Educating Primary Care Physicians about Lapband

Sunday, August 30, 2009   Educating Primary Care Physicians about Lapband     As with all surgeries, lapband can result in complications. The band can slip, infection can occur, some people are so good at eating around the band (using slider food) that they gain weight back, or they never go in for their fills. Some Dr.s don't seem to give very good advice to their patients about sticking to higher density proteins and not turning them into slider food by adding things like gravy to them. Some actually recommend that people "prime the pump" with liquid before they eat. Some Dr.s take forever to give their patients a fill that actually acheives restriction.   Not all patients make sure they get the kind of support system they need to achieve success nor do their Dr.s The lapband is a tool not a cure. Other issues need to be dealt with simultaneously. If they're not, the band isn't as successful.   So some primary care physicians seem to only be aware of the failures and are unwilling to recommend their patients for the lapband. They also don't distinguish between gastric bypass which is much more drastic and has many more severe complications and the lapband. They confuse the statistics for the two.   I think a lot of these Dr.s really don't understand the nature of compulsive overeating. They keep thinking that if their patients just listened to them and followed the diets they hand them and had better nutritional education they'd lose the weight. But time and again, nutritional information and closely supervised diets don't help their patients.   Over the years some have prescribed drugs that haven't helped and have actually harmed overweight patients.   When I think of the money and time I spent on Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Tops, OA, Atkins, and some wierd combination of thyroid and speed one Dr. put me on, it makes me angry. I had a Dr. who didn't believe in the band. She thought I could do it myself. I knew I couldn't. I had to go to a new Dr. anyway because of insurance so I tested the next Dr. to see if he recommended the band. With two co-morbidities he took it seriously. He had Dr. friends who did lapband surgery with great success. So he went ahead and recommended me for the surgery which started the year long process of jumping through hoops to get the band.   I'm blessed that I had the persistance to get through that year and that I had a cooperative Dr. My insurance company also sent me to a top-of-the-line specialist. Some insurance companies won't cover the surgery at all. Although I have access to a nutritionist at my surgeon's office, I've found even greater support on lapbandtalk, especially on a thread called I'm here to help...This blog has also proved to be an invaluable ally in my recovery.   A lady at my church who is in much worse shape than me has not been able to get her primary care physician to recommend the lapband. Meanwhile, the meds she's on for her co-morbidities have made her gain even more weight.   People need to explore the risks, the failures, and the successes of lapband surgery before they make a decision. They need to know that its still hard work to lose the weight and keep it off. Their Dr.s should be helping them explore their options and get set up for success if the option for lapband is chosen.   I think the primary physicians need to get more educated, not only about lapband surgery, but about compulsive overeating itself. It is an eating disorder, an addiction, with genetic, biological, emotional, psychological, and spiritual componants that all need to be addressed. The band helps relieve the person of enough of the addiction aspect to let them work on the other aspects.   I had worked for years on all the other componants with counseling, 12-step meetings for food addiction, 12-step meetings for codependency issues, not to mention prayer and Bible reading and Bible study groups. I'd come to pretty good terms with my ADHD/ADD and still I could not succeed in losing and keeping off the weight.   I had a medical condition that needed a medical solution. I hope the woman in my church gets the help she needs. I hope the lapband, if she gets recommended, proves to be the tool she needs like it has for me. She's a precious soul and very much loved and appreciated in my church community. I want her to be around yet for a long time.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Arthritis set-back

Wednesday, July 1, 2009   Arthritis set-back     I had to go back on my NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) yesterday. My neck (on which I had major surgery 9 years ago) has been giving me increasing trouble as the NSAIDs anti-inflammatory effects have completely worn off. I went off the drugs in preparation for surgery 3 weeks ago. I was hoping to stay off them since part of my goal is to reduce the number of my medications, but I am full of osteo-arthritis that, though exascerbated by extra weight, is not necessarily caused by it-especially the spinal arthritis and two herniated discs in my neck (unless I've got or am a real fat head, which is possible.)   I cleaned something I shouldn't have and I've been having increasing pulsing nerve pain. I also have damage in my shoulder on that side from a fall last winter. Not being a martyr, I've gone back on the drugs and am feeling better. I don't want to have to go through the MRI, physical therapy that never works, and inevitable epidural shots. Someday I may have to have the neck fused (they took out a lot of bone but did not fuse it 9 years ago.) I'm usually very careful how I use my neck (my husband does most of the cleaning) because it is so easily irritated.   This kind of pain if it persists has a history of sending me spiralling into depression and into the food. I used to be relatively athletic and very active, a loss that I re-grieve with each new episode; and as the arthritis has grown, so has the weight. The weight, in turn, makes the arthritis worse. The arthritis has made it difficult to control my ADHD with excercise. Swimming, which used to be my best excercise and activity, irritates my neck if I do it very much. I can no longer swing my arms when walking because of the pain it causes in my neck. I have to be very careful with dancing as well, which I also love and seldom do.   I've had double knee replacements and shoulder repair (to remove a big spur and repair torn rotator cuff) in addition to the neck surgery. Both my knees and my shoulder started giving me trouble already as a teenager when I was not at all overweight. The weight definitely accelerated the deterioration of the knees.   So, now I have to deal with this flare-up without using food to help numb the physical and emotional pain that loss of mobility and pain always causes me.   Please pray with me that the pain will subside and that I'll be able to avoid the whole medical scenario I've had to go through too many times in the past. Please pray that I'll be able to deal with the loss of mobility without craving the food. Please pray that the weight loss will make a difference in my pain level because the neck is not the only part of my body that has really started hurting as the NSAIDs left my system. I'm not yet back on my fish oil capsules which I think also helped. Swallowing pills and filling my tiny tummy with them is still difficult and painful. It's disappointing and sad for me to have to go back on these drugs. That means I can't go off my stomach pill either. For now. But with God, all things are possible.
 

In His Time (first fill)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009   In His Time     Today I had my lapband fill. It was a fascinating experience. All the people waiting for a fill chatted about their experiences in the waiting room. One by one we were called into a room where we laid down under a floroscope. When my turn came, the Dr. looked for my incision, swabbed the area, and felt for the port. He took this cool device invented by someone at UIC (waiting broader distribution) pressed it to my stomach. It let out a poof of air and injected lidocaine without needles and without pain over the area. Its so cool. Its used before IV's are inserted, before shots are given, before surface cuts are stitched.   After the lidocaine the doctor inserts a needle through which the solution can be injected into the band. He had no trouble finding the port. I could feel the band puff up. Then I had to start drinking the barium drink. He watched the barium go through and adjusted the fill accordingly. When he was satisfied it was just right I was helped down and was done.   Except the picture from the floroscope was still there. So I asked him to explain it. He showed me the esophagus with the new pouch at it's base, barely wider than the esophagus. He showed me the shadow of the band and how narrow the opening was to let the barium through to the old stomach. I could see the squirts of barium curling into the old stomach. Pretty actually.   I was amazed at how small the opening between the stomachs was. Its obvious I'm not going to be able to get much through that narrow tunnel. I'm going to really have to take tiny bites and chew things to death. Today and tomorrow I'm just having liquids and then I'll be adding solids.   This Dr. was not my surgeon. He handled patients from all the surgeons. This was his specialty and he was running an assembly line.   Not everyone is so blessed. Some have surgeons who do the fill themselves and can't find the port and refuse to use floroscopes or don't have them available. That makes it hard to get the fill just right. So they inject minute amounts at a time so that it takes months and months before the patient begins to feel restriction. Its almost like torture for these desperate patients.   I'm really blessed to have been sent by my HMO to a top notch facility and doctors. I'm glad I've found such a good support group on lapbandtalk. I"m glad I spent so many years learning about addiction, ADHD, and eating disorders. I'm glad for my experience in Alanon, and OA, and group and individual therapy. My chances of success with the lapband are pretty good because of the self-knowledge I gained as well as the great support I have from my providers and other bandsters.   I really feel good about getting the band. I have this sense of peace about it, and this feeling that I'm being blessed through it--not just with weight loss. I've never before pulled all the threads of my disease out of the woven fabric they'd created in my life and examined them and the pattern they'd created all in one place.   Getting the band, seeing all these threads, and recording how they're intertwined has given me enormous relief. I rejected shame and its power over me. The power to make me feel paralyzed to do anything about my eating disorder. I took a powerful step when I decided to get the band and jumped through all the hoops I needed to jump through to qualify for the band. I stuck to it for over a year.   For an ADHD person, that was a major undertaking. I actually gained a few pounds in order to have a high enough BMI which, combined with my co-morbidities, qualified me for the surgery. Then I had to lose that weight and keep it off as part of my requirement. I had to attend eight months of nutrition classes where I knew more of the answers than anyone but the nutritionist. I had to deal with the insurance company and liase between them, my regular Dr. and clinic, and UIC. Details like that drive me pretty crazy, but I did it.   I took back the power this disease took away from me. I think it all happened in God's time. All the other things I've been through and dealt with have led to this time when an effective tool has been made available at a time when I actually have the time to deal with the disease.   Summer school was canceled freeing me up to have the June surgery with the rest of the summer to deal with recovery. I had the time to write this blog. I had the time to explore lapbandtalk. I had the time to start to heal some of my physical limitations, figuiring out how to use the incline board to relieve the pressure in my neck that was limiting my ability to walk any distance. (It was also making it more and more difficult to teach.) I can now swing my arms while I walk and do not experience burning neck pain while walking.   I believe I was sent to the right doctor, at the right hospital, for the most helpful tool, at exactly the right time.   I don't have any doubt who was behind all that.
 

Owww!!!

Monday, December 14, 2009   Owww!!!     Ate a wonderful dinner at a Hibachi steakhouse. Ate slowly. Drank with the meal to help it slide through. Didn't feel pain. Drove home. Ow!   It just let up now. Delayed reaction? I wish my band had let me know sooner. I really need to get one more fill because I can eat too much at night. I mostly don't but I can. I was waiting because I didn't want problems with pbing over Christmas, and figured I'd really need the fill for maintenance stage which is only 8 lbs away.   As I lose the last eight lbs over this month and next the fat pad will shrink and I'll really need the fill. I found out my Dr. moved to California. Never did get to make a 3-month check up with him. He never did my fills. Now I know why.   I never got called back by the university I contacted to finish getting my M.A. I need to get ahold of a university that will work with me on getting my master's in reading. Unfortunately, I work when their offices work. I've got about 20 hours post-grad and tons of experience that ought to count for something.   I'm off next week but I supect the people I need to talk to will be off too. I wanted to start next semester but that might be asking too much of myself. I hate this stuff. So many forms, so many phone calls. All the stuff at which I'm no good.   However, those simple initials behind my name will give me more options if RCS goes under or the vendor hired to handle NCLB for Chicago Public Schools chooses not to hire me to work there.   I'm doing so well at my job. The weight loss has given me unbelievable energy. Now that its hard to walk outside I've been waking up early and going in to work where I walk the stairways (47 to the top floor), hallways, and around the gym. Got in 45 minutes this morning.   I'll need to go in early tomorrow to make up for tonight's dinner with colleagues. Also, I didn't eat much Monday, although I was at another party on Sunday night. Right now I'm kind of hoping to just lose a few lbs this month and not worry too much if I don't lose much else. January is another month.   Even though I'm working longer hours I have smaller classes and I feel like I'm at the top of my game teaching. I have built such good relationships with the kids. I have one good sized 7th grader who is frequently seized with intestinal issues just before lunch time. I always tell him, "Don't fall in."   Once he replied, "Don't worry, I know how to swim."   I once started laughing when I looked at one of my eighth graders who'd decided to shave stripes in his eyebrows. He'd been bragging to one of the other boys that "the chicks dig it." So I looked at him, started laughing, and said, "Chaka, I just can't take you seriously with those eyebrows." It was the first time I'd ever seen him speechless, while the other boys fell on the floor laughing. One of them came and gave me a hug after class and I understand it was the topic of lunch conversation that day. Nobody'll ever forget the day Mrs. Flory finally gave Chaka a dose of his own medicine.   My three eighth grade boys try to find more time to come to see me before they have a math test. One will show up before school. They'll eat lunch with me so I can go through stuff with them.   I have so much fun with these kids. To have to leave them would break my heart. I went to hear them play band or sing in choir at the Christmas program last Thursday. They'd been asking and asking me if I was going to come see them and hear them. I skipped my own church choir practice to do it. They were so proud of themselves. Amazingly, even the beginning band wasn't bad.   And I ended up having to get up in front at the last minute and help lead the audience in Christmas songs while the band members were changing into choir outfits and getting ready to sing. Didn't expect that. Had kids coming up to me and telling me how well I'd done. The whole thing was impromptu but fun.   God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Eating Disorders

Monday, July 6, 2009   Eating Disorders     Eating disorders. Did you know that compulsive overeating is considered part of the spectrum of eating disorders? You think of Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa as eating disorders but compulsive overeating, sometimes followed by dieting, is part of the whole binge/purge syndrome. Did you know that the average girl now starts dieting at age 8? Did you know that those who very rigidly follow the healthiest diet they can find, eliminating all fat and chemicals and whatever else they are convinced is unhealthy end up with life-threatening symptoms from not getting enough nutrition? That this newly recognized disorder has been given its own name--Orthorexia? I've seen a lot of that in some of the OA meetings I've attended. Here is a website if you want more information: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/   Here's part of their advice for preventing eating disorders: Listen to your body. Eat what you want, when you are truly hungry. Stop when you're full. And eat exactly what appeals to you. Do this instead of any diet, and you are unlikely to ever have a weight problem, let alone an eating disorder. Eat when you are truly hungry. Stop when you are full.   I remember thinking I should be thinner as a teenager. It was easy to lose the weight. I was still able to eat a lot because I was very active. I still ate what I liked, which wasn't neccessarily good for me, I just ate less of it. I ate enough good stuff to still be very healthy. I got married at 19 and started gaining, but not much. Then I finished college while pregnant and each succeeding pregnancy brought bigger babies and more weight. Each time I dieted afterward. This was the start. And it just ballooned. Gain, lose, gain even more.   Now my goal weight is a weight that I once thought was fat.   How much of my eating disorder got started because of wanting to be pefect, physically? How much was genetic predisposition? How much was emotional issues related to living with undiagnosed, unrecognized ADHD? How much was co-dependancy issues from negating self and doing for everyone else? How much was a spiritual issue of not allowing myself to be fully loved by God?   Don't know. Doesn't matter. I have an eating disorder. I am a compulsive over-eater. I am a food addict.   I need to work on the physical side of the addiction hence the lap band surgery, following the food protocol and let's not forget to mention excercise.   The psychological issues are things that I've been working on for a long time, learning to love myself the way I am including my ADHD for which I'd been shamed and shamed myself, and which always made me feel like a square peg in a round hole. And then there's my co-dependancy issues (think care-taking without taking care of self) which most Christian girls are well-trained in, and which having been married to an alcoholic were especially brought out in me.   There are the social issues that impact body image--I held off on this surgery to make sure I wasn't doing it to look good (though there's nothing wrong with that), but because I genuinely craved better health.   And there are the spiritual issues. I think contentment, mindfulness, gratitude, acceptance, and serenity are big spiritual issues. I have to learn to be content whether in want (need) or in plenty. No matter what the circumstance. And I can only be content in all circumstances through Christ who strengthens me. This blog is getting long. I'm not done exploring these topics, not by a long shot. But now I need to take care of myself and go to bed.
 

Panic!

Thursday, July 16, 2009   Panic!     I have no more real restriction. Unless I eat dry meat only (like deli meat or ground turkey) I can keep right on eating. My stomach must have shrunk from loss of swelling as well as less food and has lost some of its surrounding fat as I lost 27 lbs. So now the band is relatively loose. I'm also feeling hungry in between meals. As soon as I realized it I called my Dr. to make an appointment for my first fill. Unfortunately I can't get in till August 11. That means that from now until then I'm going to be going on willpower alone.   It's amazing how comforting it was knowing I couldn't eat more than a certain amount without causing myself discomfort. I would feel that approaching fullness and know that I didn't want to PB (productive burp where the stuck food comes right back up with the burp relieving the discomfort), nor did I want to be slimed--think how your mouth starts watering when you smell food or even think about it. You've already started the digestive process, only the extra phlegm that helps wash down and moisten your food overproduces after a BP and there's no room in your tiny tummy so it comes back up while still being produced. Gross, I know. And enough to make you not overeat. Experiencing this phenomena once was enough.   I just about had a panic attack when I actually felt hunger for the first time since before my surgery. I don't know how to handle hunger. Most of the time I avoided it by eating before I felt it. Every diet I've ever been on was made miserable by having to endure hunger combined with cravings. I can remember following good diet advice--don't go to a party hungry, you'll overeat. So I would eat ahead of time and still binge on the party food.   On Oprah, Oprah tends to ask the question what are you hungry for. She tends to go with the emotional eating pardigm. Well, I'm hungry for food. Sure, codependency and ADHD and, for sure, confrontation, all trigger binges in me. But I just plain like food. I love chocolate in just about every way possible. I love spicy foods, whether Mexican, Thai, Ethiopian, Chinese, or Indian.   I love the rich smoothness of chocolate and ice cream, the crunchy saltiness of chips and cheetos, the smell and flavor of meats fixed many different ways. I really don't care for raw veggies and green peppers taste horrible and can wreck the flavor if used too freely in sauces. I don't like crunching into uncooked onions in a hot dish. I love onions that are used to flavour food, not give it texture. I have strong likes and dislikes. I like fruit if its fresh and really sweet. I eat cake and donuts for the frosting and fillings and frequently throw out the rest. I'll eat the chocolate chips out of a cookie and throw out the cookie. I don't want cottage cheese in my jello or nuts in most sweet things unless they're chocolate candy. I am triggered by food--the sight, smell, and taste of it, and I have very strong taste and texture preferences. Tomato sauce is great, raw tomtoes not so much. The lap band was keeping me safe and now its not. Not till August 11. There are people with lap bands who actually gain weight during this waiting period (pun intended.) I read the posts from http://www.lapbandtalk.com/ and people are full of fear during this time period. They know what its like to try to do it on willpower and, like me, have failed miserably over and over again.   Phillipians 4:12 says: I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I know the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.   Pray for me!
 

Vindication

Sunday, August 2, 2009   Vindication     Ta Da! I found some articles on the internet that confirmed that my ADHD definitely is a contributing factor in my compulsive overeating and that it makes it particularly hard to treat. People with ADHD do not do well with food plans, counting carbs or calories or points. Expecting them to remember to pack a lunch everyday is an excercise in futility. ADHD affects the organizational part of the brain. In addition, people with ADHD have poor impulse control, which is why so many of us are on the see-food diet. We see food, we eat food.   Many of us feel tremendous shame over our poor impulse control and focus. Its affected our ability to be "successful" with a lot of jobs, with our marriages, and even with friendship. And it helps make us fat and makes it hard to lose the fat. Double shame. We do not have the organizational and focus skills to be successful on a long-term diet or life-style change. Our failures feed our shame and shame leads to more eating.   People with ADHD, especially women, are prone to anxiety and depression, because we are the proverbial square pegs trying to force ourselves into round holes--societal expectations for our roles as women into which we just don't fit. Anxiety and depression are known contributors to overeating. They're a form of self-medication.   It's also hard for women because we've been socialized not to do the stimulating, adventurous things we need to do that would keep us busy and out of the food--especially at night when we're expected to keep the home fires burning. We use food to calm us down so we can sit or do the boring, tedious housework expected of us. We use food to stimulate ourselves when we're bored, which we easily are. Of course, stimulants (caffeine and carbs) calm our brains and help us focus. We eat a lot of chocolate and drink a lot of coffee.   In addition, we really don't have an off switch with food. ADHD people can have poor self-awareness. We don't know we're full until we're stuffed. Conversely, when we're really busy with something that interests us, we go into hyperfocus, and we have no clue that we're hungry and we don't eat till we're done with the project, which helps set up the ravenous hunger we get later. With poor impulse control and no off switch we eat till we're stuffed.   ADD/ADHD women would be voted least likely to succeed on a diet by those scientists who are studying them. Actually, the effects of chronic pain mimic ADHD and lead to similar difficulties with diets. Ding-ding-ding. I'm a two-for-one winner. Two causes for one disease. (I'm not even going to talk about codependency here.) And I would add that chronic pain limits the physical activity and stimulation and adventuring that would allow me to self-medicate my ADHD without food. I eat to sit still so I don't hurt.   I'm blessed to have a husband who has made it his mission to see to it that I can fulfill my mission as a teacher to at-risk children. (Many of you saw the video I posted in a previous blog that highlighted one of my students.) Ken keeps me organized, acts as my social secretary (unless I forget to tell him about an event), does all the paperwork, researches things for me, does all the housework, laundry, and grocery shopping, makes sure my car has gas, etc. At school my assistant also takes care of the paperwork and keeps the room organized and efficient. She's become my chief consultant as I constantly bounce ideas of her. She has a son who's ADHD and she knows just how to be helpful, leaving me free to be creative and flexible and good at my job.     I've had a lot of affirmations and successes at my job. I've earned a lot of respect and even a certain amount of influence. People know I'm ADHD but, frankly, teachers are an eccentric bunch, and none more so than at my school, so, basically, I fit right in. In many ways, God has pulled my life together and made it work.     That leaves the food and the obesity. And now I've got a tool for that. A tool that works with my ADHD instead of against it. As long as I keep plenty of options for food that's on my protocol stored at home and stored at school (for when I forget to pack a lunch) my band will let me know when I'm full. As long as I continue to get support from my on-line friends and continue to write this blog to help me deal with all the assorted issues that accompany my food addiciton, I think I can beat the odds against me as an ADHD, arthritic woman recovering from this eating disorder.     By the grace of God, I am Cheri, a recovering food addict.
 

Conferences, Retreats, ADHD, and Food

Conferences, Retreats, ADHD, and Food     Sun broke out when I got home tonight and its warmer so I had a nice walk. But I'm aching. I really prefer walking in the morning, I don't hurt nearly as much as I do when I walk after work. Gotta do my laundry. Didn't get to it last night and I need it for my retreat tomorrow, my conferences Thurs. and Fri., and my retreat Friday night and Saturday.Aargh.   Sleeping in hotels, sitting through long presentations. I'm going to have to velcro my butt to the seat to get thru some of this. I get a fill next Tues. I can really tell I need one again. I can eat dense meats in much larger quantities and no trouble eating anything else except bread.   I need more clothes but am in between a 16 and a 14. Don't want to spend till I'm down. Shopping--I'm a Kohls and thrift store shopper. I know Kohls well and they've always got deals going. I don't like thrift store shopping but I can afford it. I pretty much dislike shopping. I also hate manicures and purses. I never get my hair done. I cut and style it myself. I dislike shopping for Christmas, too. Shopping overwhelms me. Online seems like an unbelievable hassle to me. Everytime I've ever ordered something from a catelog I've ended up returning it. That's more work than I care to do.   I buy one practical leather purse, as small as I can get away with, and use it till it falls apart. I only wear the most comfortable shoes, stuff like sketchers. I've never been fond of heels, pointed toes, or boots (unless they're for walking thru snow).   I think it has a lot to do with ADHD. I have no patience for shopping, or watching a hairdresser butcher my hair while I'm stuck in a seat, or not doing anything for hours while waiting for a manicure that will only be good for a day to dry. Forget pedicures. Not relaxing. Make me unbelievably tense. I feel totally trapped with all those things. Feeling trapped makes me want to eat.   I am also no domestic goddess. I avoid crafts like the plague. My closets overflow. I seldom cook, or entertain, or clean. I crave being outdoors. Teaching is a great occupation for me because I don't have to sit still and I'm constantly changing what I'm doing. Food helps me sit and get through stuff. It quite literally drugs me.   I've got 4 days of sitting ahead of me and I've got to try to do it without food. My band is no longer providing much restriction. So this will not be easy--4 days of sitting. I'd actually rather be teaching.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Taking Care of Myself!

Saturday, July 18, 2009   Taking Care of Myself!     Just the past few days my energy has started coming back and today it roared into town. I walked for an hour and a half and then worked in the garden pulling weeds. Actually its my neighbor's garden. They generally grow weeds and their garden borders mine all the way between our long driveways. They actually have flowers buried in there this year but for years it was mostly weeds. I'd been getting in there this year to help them, they're elderly and both have severe diabetes.   But I haven't done any gardening since my surgery. I didn't want to dislodge my band with all the bending over, plus digging with the shovel puts pressure on the disc in my neck. Fortunately, I did an excellent job weeding my own gardens before surgery. They're just starting to need attention, but the neighbors weeds were tree sized. Some of them were trees.   I've finally got my blood pressure in the normal range--had to go back on all of my meds even after losing 27 lbs. I was holding off on going back on the magnesium and potassium gluconate ut it finally put my blood pressure back in the normal range. That means I feel safe hanging upside down on my incline board and that is really helping my neck. In fact my whole spine is decompressed and I have less trouble with my hip and lower back. That's helping me walk longer. I was also amazed at how quickly I cleaned out a mess of weeds. The loss of 27 lbs really makes a difference. Yeah!   I love gardening and walking. Those are the two activities I've tried to keep doing despite the arthritis pain. Both make me feel good. Both increase my serenity and my concentration.   My food is doing pretty well even though I'm no longer feeling much restriction. My first fill is on Aug. 11. I'm so glad I can garden again. It always keeps me busy and gives me serenity which in turn boosts my willpower. I was careful not to do too much. So far my neck is holding up quite well. (I think there's a pun in there.)   Struggling a little with the fact that my husband has ice cream in the house and he also made cupcakes with chocolate frosting (he's never baked in his life.) I've had a few tastes but haven't pigged out. I don't know if I can handle having things in the house that trigger cravings. I know that if I ask him he won't buy it for himself anymore, but that's not necessarily fair to him. We're trying to not spend money on fast food items or things like DQ, and its cheaper to make treats or have ice cream in the house than go out for them, but I may suggest that he go out to DQ rather than have it and eat it in the house.   I've let him know I'm struggling rather than keep on pretending I don't see him eating it. I need to be honest about the things I struggle with. That's healthier behavior than before. I don't want to make him responsible for my success. Hopefully, we'll reach a reasonable compromise that doesn't compromise my recovery.   My husband has been tackling the dismantling of the basement preparatory to Perma-Seal coming in in October and ending our water problems. What a mess that's been. We're able to leave the studs but are removing all paneling, the insulation behind it, and ugly ceiling tiles whose grids were nailed into the paneling and unsalvageable. We're gutting the bathroom, too. Then, little by little, as my husband's social security checks come in, we'll start putting things back together. Some of the expenses have turned out to not be as bad as we thought they were going to be. That helps.   We decided to repair my car. That cost around $1700 but it was a lot cheaper than buying even a cheap used car. We seem to have found a really good repair man one block from where we live. We should have been going to him for a long time.   So we've fixed one short term problem and are finally making progress on the long-term one. I can't tell you how depressing the basement issue has been. I think finally doing something about my health has given me the impetus to to make the basement a priority and to refuse to spend money on anything else (except emergencies like the car.)   Taking care of the basement water and mold problem, just like getting the lap band surgery, is taking care of myself. Getting my blood pressure under control, hanging from my incline board, walking, and gardening are also taking care of myself. Speaking up if I'm struggling with something, is taking care of myself.   I'm no longer feeling paralized. What a relief!   God is good all the time! All the time God is good!
 

Fighting the Good Fight!

Monday, August 17, 2009   Fighting the Good Fight     I need another fill. First one didn't do squat. I called Doc's office and they weren't going to schedule me till end of Sept. for another one, which is my surgeon's first available, till I spoke up for myself. It doesn't have to be my Dr. It wasn't my Dr. the last time. I just asked the nurse if they were going to leave me hanging by my fingernails again and they moved it up 4 weeks. Amazing. Now just pray my insurance company will get the referral for the fill approved and done right away.   I was so surprised to have no restriction after the first fill last Tuesday. I tried eating just meat to see how much I could eat. I stopped at half a pound of hamburger. I should definitely have felt restriction but I could have kept on eating. So I'm doing my modified Atkins to keep losing (and limiting portions) but I'm getting no help from my band.   It's only by the grace of God, writing this blog, and the support of my fellow bandsters that I'm doing so well. I go to my regular Doc on Weds. Going in for bloodwork tomorrow. Hoping for a good report on my cholesterol, blood pressure and sugar. I'm off 3 medicines. Woo hoo. I'd like to drop another pill soon.   Two more lbs. to half-way (35 lbs) and 5 more to onederland.   I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.   I found an old outfit that I like in my closet that fit. It'll be great for teaching. I've been going to thrift stores and buying things that are a little too small. I'm back in an XL but hopefully won't be for long.   I've got a high school class reunion and a college reunion in October that I'm actually looking forward to attending. They might actually recognize me without some of the extra fat.     My life is getting busy preparing for school to start August 26th. Got two inservices this week at Roseland Christian School. I also have a meeting with the vendor who provides my services, Elim Christian School, and my co-workers there who work at other Christian schools providing academic support.   Pray for Roseland Christian School. They need forty more students to enroll to meet their already greatly reduced projected budget. They also need donors who will ignore their fear of the recession and step up to the plate to help us get through this tough time. For my school, its all about bringing justice in education to a community that hasn't had much of that. Not just that. This is quality Christian education. This school is celebrating 125 years in the Roseland community on the south side of Chicago. They did not run away when the community changed ethnicity. They deserve to be there 125 more years should the Lord delay his coming.   This school is my passion. Teaching these students is my calling. They're part of the reason I got the lapband. I'm not yet ready to quit. Last year one of our graduates (and the daughter of one of our teachers) was shot in the shoulder on her way to the grocery store-one block from our school. The year before one of our graduates jumped in front of a girl about to be shot by her former boyfriend on a city bus. He was killed. We also have alumni who are pastors, lawyers, comedians, and entrepreneurs. Our students face unbelievable odds when they leave the safety of our halls. RCS makes a difference. I make a difference. Pray that we can keep it up.   I want to be able to say with Paul at the end of my life: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. II Timothy 4:7,8     This is a link to a website that shows some powerful videos of who RCS is and what it does. I'm in the video Testimony of a Student. The video Testimony of a Teacher is also very powerful. Don't watch these videos if you don't like being lifted up and moved to tears.   http://wearercs.com/
 

Sometimes Reality Bites

Tuesday, September 15, 2009   Sometimes Reality Bites     So, my husband is looking for part time work to supplement his Social Security. Probably Best Buy again. Its crazy that a 62 year old highly competent man can't get full time work--mostly because employers don't want to pay health care for an older worker.     It feels like this is no longer the land of opportunity. So many workers being kept part-time to avoid paying health care. I wonder if all the companies outsourcing to other countries and paying as little as possible to workers in this country realize they've created an underclass of people who can't afford the products and services they're providing? So they cut even more creating a vicious cycle of increasing near-poverty.     I'm so full of arthritis. Even with the weight loss the extra excercise keeps me in constant pain--especially at night when it wakes me up. Mostly its my hip waking me up. I think the steps at work are whats killing the hip. Walking doesn't seem to irritate it much, but add the stairs and its too much. I've adjusted my classroom to accommodate my arthritis. I sit mostly while teaching. I have a flat overhead I use with some materials (it lies only a half inch higher than the table) so I can use it sitting without having to raise my arm to write on it. My assistant does most of the paperwork which relieves me of enormous stress on my neck. But the school is not handicapped accessible and I do climb stairs a lot. I frequently need to speak to a teacher who might be two stories up or go fetch a class that's running late or that the teacher forgot to send.   I wish I could work out more so that when I hit goal I won't have to stay at 1000-1200 calories to maintain but I don't think that's going to happen. Just ate some Cheetos, not a lot, but that tells you what kind of mood I'm in. Haven't had those in months. Not since before surgery.   My job may not exist next year and the thought of finding another teaching job where I can adjust things to accommodate both my arthritis and my ADHD is quite overwhelming. It took me a number of years to get everything running so smoothly.   I've lost jobs before but I wasn't 57. Oh well, the Lord will have to provide if I can't. He's always opened a door for me, but I see all kinds of believers struggling desperately because of the economy and a broken health care system.   Kind of a downer, eh?   I'm not sure I can "10-10-10" this. I'm not sure there's a decision to be made at this point. I really don't want to go back to school which I think I'd need to do to get another teaching job. I probably could do a pros and cons on that. To stay in teaching or not, to go back to school or not, to look at other careers and receive training or try to break into those, or not. Or I may just be buying trouble and the new vendor next year will hire me without making me go back to school or changing my program so it no longer fits me.   For the next 10 minutes it doesn't impact me. In 10 months I'll know and I should have a back up plan in place. In 10 years I'll be retired and the amount of income I'll have depends on my choices now as well as a whole lot of things beyond my control--like the economy, my meager retirement fund, the decreasing value of my house, etc. I have to overcome this inertia that's paralyzing me, but my ADHD works against me. It needs the overwhelming pressure of an immediate crisis to focus on a problem and solve it.   Sorry about that. Once in a while the "what ifs" start to overwhelm me. Life is never easy. But my band is working and I'm working it and the weight is dropping.   Praise God.
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