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Mindfulness

Tuesday, June 23, 2009   Mindfulness     I'm adding real food, real liquid food. I had a small amount of cream of tomato soup today. I enjoyed every drop, and that's how I drank/ate it--drop by drop. At least I started out that way. Although I continued to eat drop by drop, I stopped being aware of the taste and the eating became automatic until suddenly my final swallow ended up right back in my mouth. Suddenly I was aware of the taste again. There's a Hindu philosophy/practice called mindfulness. I don't know a lot about it, but it sounds like trying to be aware constantly of all the tastes, sights sounds, textures, smells we are experiencing. It involves being fully present in the moment.   Food isn't the only thing I'm not mindful of or present for. In fact, food is one of the things that keeps me from being mindful of and fully present for my own life. It's just one of the drugs I use. I tend to inhale mystery books the way I inhale food. I'm so busy racing to figure out who done it I seldom stop to savor the writing (though frankly, most books aren't well-written enough to deserve that kind of treatment.) I read a book by Dean Koontz yesterday involving a character named Odd Thomas. It was incredibly well-written, so well-written I re-read paragraphs to figure out the meaning of odd phrasing, savor philosophical discussions, and delight in eerily beautiful descriptions.   Maybe you've seen the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler. Adam acquires a special remote that allows him to fast forward on automatic pilot those areas of life that bore him, or exhaust him. He soon finds he can't control the remote and it fast forwards him through things he didn't want to miss.   Mindfulness sounds to me like something I need to do. Be present in the moment. Enjoy every bite, savor every drop--not only of food but of life. Even when my ADHD takes me on unexpected mental vacations, I want to be more consciously aware of my thoughts. I often have great ideas. Then I don't write them down and I lose them.   I think Jesus lived in the present all the time. He was always fully aware of the moment. He rebuked those who tried to diminish those moments. "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Why are you bothering this woman, she has done a beautiful thing to me." And finally, fully conscious, "Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit."
 

A Great Weekend

Saturday, August 29, 2009   A Great Weekend     My husband and I went to the Taste of Greece today. The weather was perfect. Not hot at all. Sweater weather with a jacket for evening. We ate some interesting food (spanokopita, saganaki, chicken kabob, gelato) listened to some Greek music, and watched some Greek dancing and a belly dancer. She was not skinny and she was not young but she looked great. All her plumper areas were in the right places and jiggled nicely. She was very graceful and the dance was not overtly sexual. Fun.   The circle dances that those with Greek heritage (and a few without) danced were fun to watch and I loved seeing the Greek costumed dancers do their thing. We also saw the Jesse White tumblers. What a treat. Those kids just flew through the air and wowed the crowd.   It was just plain fun. We were going to stay home and do nothing but then I found out this was happening and we decided to go, spur of the moment.   Its so important to incorporate fun stuff into your life. Spontaneous or planned, it sure beats staying home and smelling the mold drifting up from your basement.   Last night I went to a Tastefully Simple party. I knew there would be some former colleagues attending as well as a few current colleagues. I wanted to connect rather than stay home another Friday night and watch lint grow in my navel. Well, I don't actually do that, but sometimes it feels that way.   So both times I had some food outside my food protocol, but I did not overeat. The band is not meant to keep me from participating in life, and good food is part of life. Its just meant to stop me from going overboard and it did its job.   Meanwhile, my blood pressure continues to drop and I was so excited to wear this really cute pair of jeans I picked up at a thrift store a month ago when they were still too tight for me. Now they're just right. I haven't worn flattering jeans for such a long time. I had a really pretty lavender sweater (that matched the flowers on the jeans) that I picked up at a resale shop a couple of weeks ago--a never worn Ralph Lauren.   Tomorrow morning I'm subbing on a praise team at our church. I haven't hardly sung all summer at church and I was so happy to be asked to sing. I'm probably going to get to sing tenor instead of alto, at least on some songs, and that's exciting, too.   I've been hibernating most of the summer, doing a few fun things here and there but limited by my surgery and getting my food protocol established and, of course, having very limited funds with every extra dollar being spent on getting my basement fixed.   This is just a great weekend.   Last night there was an incident that could have sabotaged some of it, but I spoke up for myself and salvaged a good night's sleep. I had been awakened by neighbors playing loud music and talking and laughing loudly at 4 a.m. in the morning. This house has been empty for over a year but it was recently purchased and the buyer has his kids rehabbing the place. Well, one of the kids decided to have a party. I debated what to do and finally decided to put on my housecoat and flipflops and talk to them. It took a lot of pounding on the door before they even heard me.   Fortunately, the girl was quite embarrassed for waking me up and grateful I hadn't called the police. She immediately turned the music off and made everyone shut up. Maybe they all went home. Anyway, I was able to go back to sleep and, for the first time in a long time, I actually was able to sleep in on a Saturday morning. I had taken extended relief Tylenol the night before in addition to my anti-inflammatory and slept and woke up without pain for a change.   If I hadn't taken the Tylenol, even though the kids had quieted down, I would have had trouble getting back to sleep because by then it was almost 5 a.m. and that's when the discomfort normally starts waking me up.   So I get to sing praise to God tomorrow morning early (7:45 a.m. practice) but I should still be well rested. My blog post is finished and I can go to bed on time. Its only 10:30 p.m. instead of 12 midnight, which is when I usually finished posting all summer long.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
 

ENFP-Extraversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Perception

Saturday, September 12, 2009   ENFP-Extraversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Perception     Took one of those tests on Facebook. Sometimes they are eerily accurate. This one was a personality type test. I am an:   ENFP (Extraversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Perception) You are warmly enthusiastic and imaginative. You see life as full of possibilities. You make connections between events and information very quickly, and confidently proceed based on the patterns you see. You want a lot of affirmation from others, and readily give appreciation and support. You are spontaneous and flexible, and often rely on your ability to improvise and verbal fluency. Famous people with your same ENFP personality include: Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Andy Kaufman, Bill Cosby, Robin Williams, Sandra Bullock, and Robert Downey Jr.   Then again I also took one test called What Lord of the Rings Character are You and I got this:   You are Aragorn, expert tracker, long hidden hope of the free-world, destined to inherit your kingdom. You engender loyalty, members of both sexes hang around you, and you have *excellent* hair!   Well, I do like my hair.   The first test described an outgoing, right-brained, ADHD person with verbal fluency. That's spot on. I am also very spontaneous and flexible. I change lesson plans at the drop of a hat if they're not working. I'm always up for an adventure-anything that will get me out of the house.   I am highly articulate on subjects that engage me. My journey with the lapband is a topic that engages me, and I've had many people comment on how interesting and well-written my posts are.   However, ENFP's, can struggle with fitting into a world that demands organization, precision, and steady production. And, of course, I struggle with food. I still see so many recommendations to record everything put in the mouth. People use an internet source called The Daily Plate. Or they carry a little notebook.   That just wouldn't work for me. I can't remember what I ate or drank long enough to get it into a chart on the computer at night, and I'd lose that notebook within hours.   I worked for 2 1/2 years as a public relations writer at my former college. Everytime I had an idea percolating for an article I'd wander the offices looking for my coffee cup. When I lost my job due to cut backs, my co-workers took me out to eat for a farewell lunch and handcuffed a coffee cup to my wrist. My boss told me she always knew when I was coming up with a great idea when I started losing my coffee cup.   So I have to accept that record-keeping is not going to be one of the tools that works for me in this weight loss process. Instead of trying to do what I'm not good at, I'm using what I'm good at: writing. I chat with others on lapbandtalk and I write in this blog.   This is also what I try to use with the children I teach. I'm honest with them about their challenges but I also tell them what their strengths are. We need to strengthen our strengths and then use them to help us compensate for our weaknesses.   Thank goodness our Heavenly Father generally gives us a mixture of strengths and weaknesses. That personality type of ENFP sounds wonderful but can be very hard to live with. It can feel like a gift and a curse. I love it and I hate it. But the one who made me loves me the way he made me. And he'll guide me through this phase of my life and walk through every step of it with me. I just have to hang on to his hand.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Life is difficult, life is busy, life is good.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009     I am really tied down teaching this year. By which I mean I have to stay in my seat period after period working intensively with some very needy kids who can't be left to work independantly. Many of my groups are smaller, but I only have an assistant two days a week, so I'm having to take the iron bladder option the other three days.   This is where the limits of the NCLB program for my school become more obvious. I am supposed to be a supplemental program for reading and math, remedial not special ed. But many of my kids are probably special ed level though Chicago Public Schools would do their best to make sure they get no services. One child I have is actually from a special ed setting but was getting bullied in his school so the mother sent him to us, knowing we can't provide him with the intensive services he qualifies for, but also knowing that he won't make that much progress anyway. He's functioning at a first grade level though age-wise he's a fifth grader. I see him every chance I can get, but he's usually with a fairly large group of kids which makes the one on one teaching he needs impossible.   I have a number of students who test below the 10th percentile, meaning they need intense remediation and close to one on one teaching. Especially since several are in the first and second grades and are not yet reading, they have to sound out almost every word of every work page out loud to me. Incredibly time consuming. Having two of these children together totally ties me down.   My older groups have students who are also really low. It's hard to get to them and give them the extra time they need. I have one break period everyday except Tuesday but I'm working with kids before school and after school. So its straight sit-down-next-to-the-child teaching from 8 a.m. till 4 p.m.   Since I see these kids year after year I do see progress over time. In fact, the average increase in test scores over the years I see the children is @15%.   A number of the fourth graders I see are making great progress. Several have graduated from the reading program and are coming only for math. They are eager beavers and a pleasure to work with. They have sweet natures and are very loving. They absolutely love me and love to come to my classroom. All the fourth grade girls I see are in after school care and I made my after school class out of this group of girls. I figured they'd be the easiest and most rewarding group I could teach when I'm starting to run out of teaching gas. I was right.   It is dfficult to come home and not eat a lot and get my excercise, too. I'm getting home later, I'm really hungry by then and mentally tired. Writing in this blog is becoming more difficult.   Plus my son and his 3 year old have been coming over almost every night to shower and bathe respectively since their bathroom has been dismantled. I can't ignore my granddaughter. So the blog is taking a back seat for a while. I am still doing well with the food, though I can't exercise as much as during the summer.   I've also got a few conventions to go to and a couple of reunions.   Life is busy. Life is difficult. Life is good.   I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
 

Focus and Food

Wednesday, November 11, 2009   Focus and Food     I'm sick of Facebook, Mafia Wars, Farmtown, e-mail, etc. They were great for a long time because they kept me busy instead of eating. But they've lost their ability to hold my attention. All my creative energy and attention are going into my teaching. I come home and I want to do something fun, but there's nothing fun to do.   TV shows can start out interesting but eventually I lose interest. The characters start behaving so foolishly and sabotaging themselves so badly I can't deep watching. I lose interest. The plots become thinner. They follow the same basic pattern each time. It would be interesting to see House figure out what's wrong with someone right away, but then I guess there'd be no suspense.   The undermining power of ADHD when it comes to sustaining attention to something I'm really interested in or devoted to or need to stick with is unbelievable. I'm struggling to keep posting because I can't focus on it anymore. But I also want to stay focused not just on continuing to lose, but on maintenance, and it scares me that, once again, as in my past, I'll lose my focus and I won't be able to maintain.   I am down to 180. My 16 pants and XL shirts are getting pretty loose on me. I actually purchased a size 12 pair of jeans that fit me. I've got 13 lbs to goal. The weight is dropping slower. Sometimes I can feel my band limiting me and sometimes I can't.On the other hand I'm walking for an hour almost every day and I figure I'm covering at least 3 miles, closer to 4.   Tonight I had some Long John Silver's fish and chicken. Removed most of the breading. Didn't taste too good without it and I pb'd a little. Wasn't much meat left under the breading. I was quickly hungry later. I hate it when the food I eat doesn't satisfy me physically or tastefully. I hate to waste the little I eat on unsatisfying food.   I've been posting on FB almost every day the things I'm thankful for. I think its helping with my food. Its the idea of a gratitude list. Where your focus is, there your mind and body will follow. I'm also learning choir music and listening to that to and from work. I'm singing every other Sunday and so have wonderful songs going through my head day and night. (I wake up with music going through my head and it keeps playing through my head throughout the day.   I'm going to my sister's for Thanksgiving. She lives in Tennessee. Even in November it's beautiful around her house. All the hills and vistas. Her home is also beautiful and very peaceful. I'm actually not going to be with any family other than hers. I think I've only ever been to her house once without my kids or my parents or even more extended family.   I'm trying to start to fill my life with things that make me feel good. I actually am taking a personal day to travel to Tennessee. I've joined a new community group at church that I'm finding quite stimulating. I'm working extra time at work because I really do love teaching kids.   There are so many things I'm not good at. But I am good at teaching kids. I go into a different zone when I'm teaching. I'm focused, hyperfocused really, on getting into that child's brain and getting them to understand and remember what I'm trying to teach them. When I'm teaching I don't think about food.   That tells me whenever I'm focused on a task I love, when I'm doing things that take care of me and make me happy, my cravings go way down. Walking as soon as I get home from work makes me feel good. And the endorphins it releases tend to help me get through the night without overeating or craving.   If I go back to school next semester that will also give me brain stimulation. I've always loved listening to really good professors. I like the give and take of the classroom. I hate reading textbooks. I'm not sure I have the eyes or the focus for that anymore. I don't mind writing papers but I hate research, bibliographies and footnotes, though I've been told you can find programs on the internet that will put them together for you. I'm great at original thinking but I hate cobbling together other people's research to support what I'm saying. I read about studies, I don't read studies. If you've ever struggled through a research study you'll know what I'm talking about. Most boring reading in the world.   As usual, procrastination is keeping me from exploring and enrolling for next semester. I have all kinds of trouble actually believing I might not be teaching at Roseland next year. I'm so good at what I do. My room is set up so perfectly. I work so well with my assistant. She does everything I hate doing and am not good at. I'm left free to do what I do so well. Teach. I've built a relationship over time with so many of my students. It's part of what makes me so effective with them.   Everytime a child "gets" it, I feel so good. That usually only happens over time. And I've had years of time with most of these kids. I really love my job. The thought of losing it makes me even more aware of how much I love it. Yes it can be stressful, but its good stress. There are always challenges that trigger my creativity and when I'm creative, I focus and I'm happy. And that helps me not eat.   Lord, Roseland needs you, I need you, I need my students, they need me. Please work it out. But if there's another plan you have for me, make me ready. Give me a clue. Use my gifts, and my weaknesses to do your will.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Taking Care of Myself!

Saturday, July 18, 2009   Taking Care of Myself!     Just the past few days my energy has started coming back and today it roared into town. I walked for an hour and a half and then worked in the garden pulling weeds. Actually its my neighbor's garden. They generally grow weeds and their garden borders mine all the way between our long driveways. They actually have flowers buried in there this year but for years it was mostly weeds. I'd been getting in there this year to help them, they're elderly and both have severe diabetes.   But I haven't done any gardening since my surgery. I didn't want to dislodge my band with all the bending over, plus digging with the shovel puts pressure on the disc in my neck. Fortunately, I did an excellent job weeding my own gardens before surgery. They're just starting to need attention, but the neighbors weeds were tree sized. Some of them were trees.   I've finally got my blood pressure in the normal range--had to go back on all of my meds even after losing 27 lbs. I was holding off on going back on the magnesium and potassium gluconate ut it finally put my blood pressure back in the normal range. That means I feel safe hanging upside down on my incline board and that is really helping my neck. In fact my whole spine is decompressed and I have less trouble with my hip and lower back. That's helping me walk longer. I was also amazed at how quickly I cleaned out a mess of weeds. The loss of 27 lbs really makes a difference. Yeah!   I love gardening and walking. Those are the two activities I've tried to keep doing despite the arthritis pain. Both make me feel good. Both increase my serenity and my concentration.   My food is doing pretty well even though I'm no longer feeling much restriction. My first fill is on Aug. 11. I'm so glad I can garden again. It always keeps me busy and gives me serenity which in turn boosts my willpower. I was careful not to do too much. So far my neck is holding up quite well. (I think there's a pun in there.)   Struggling a little with the fact that my husband has ice cream in the house and he also made cupcakes with chocolate frosting (he's never baked in his life.) I've had a few tastes but haven't pigged out. I don't know if I can handle having things in the house that trigger cravings. I know that if I ask him he won't buy it for himself anymore, but that's not necessarily fair to him. We're trying to not spend money on fast food items or things like DQ, and its cheaper to make treats or have ice cream in the house than go out for them, but I may suggest that he go out to DQ rather than have it and eat it in the house.   I've let him know I'm struggling rather than keep on pretending I don't see him eating it. I need to be honest about the things I struggle with. That's healthier behavior than before. I don't want to make him responsible for my success. Hopefully, we'll reach a reasonable compromise that doesn't compromise my recovery.   My husband has been tackling the dismantling of the basement preparatory to Perma-Seal coming in in October and ending our water problems. What a mess that's been. We're able to leave the studs but are removing all paneling, the insulation behind it, and ugly ceiling tiles whose grids were nailed into the paneling and unsalvageable. We're gutting the bathroom, too. Then, little by little, as my husband's social security checks come in, we'll start putting things back together. Some of the expenses have turned out to not be as bad as we thought they were going to be. That helps.   We decided to repair my car. That cost around $1700 but it was a lot cheaper than buying even a cheap used car. We seem to have found a really good repair man one block from where we live. We should have been going to him for a long time.   So we've fixed one short term problem and are finally making progress on the long-term one. I can't tell you how depressing the basement issue has been. I think finally doing something about my health has given me the impetus to to make the basement a priority and to refuse to spend money on anything else (except emergencies like the car.)   Taking care of the basement water and mold problem, just like getting the lap band surgery, is taking care of myself. Getting my blood pressure under control, hanging from my incline board, walking, and gardening are also taking care of myself. Speaking up if I'm struggling with something, is taking care of myself.   I'm no longer feeling paralized. What a relief!   God is good all the time! All the time God is good!
 

Taking the Bad with the Good

Wednesday, June 24, 2009   Taking the Bad with the Good     I'm crabby. I haven't been kind to my husband. We are in the middle of a heat wave and our air has been out. I'm trying to sleep at home, since I didn't sleep well at my mother's. Also, 2 nights in a row, the laxative I took before going to bed came back up on me. Last night was particularly bad. I don't think it ever dissolved and went down the donut hole. Maybe it was oil and floated. It hit the back of my throat and I woke up coughing and gagging to the point of having trouble breathing. Without thinking I'd reswallowed the mess along with all the saliva that'd been activated. My poor little new tummy. It all came up again and I ended up for the next hour coughing and spitting out or wiping out all the saliva and phlegm out of my mouth so my tummy would get a rest. Plus the pain of swallowing was back.   Setbacks are part of life. I will not take that particular laxative again and certainly not at that time. I realized that I might have some real difficulties whenever I get a cold. I don't want to even think about stomach "flu." Fortunately I don't get frequent colds (I think I had one last year) and I get a stomach bug about once every 5-7 years. I really hate throwing up so that's an added incentive to keep the amount of food in my stomach small.   Right now my tummy holds about 2 oz. Once healed it will hold closer to 6 oz. That's a fraction of what it used to hold.   It's midnight and the house has not yet cooled down at all. I've apologized to my husband. My tummy had a different laxative much earlier and everything seems quite settled. Hopefully I'm so tired I'll sleep despite the heat. I'll position the fan to blow on me.   On the blessing side, I went to my daughter's house to stay cool and babysat my 2 yr. old grandson Joshua. He was a joy to be with and enjoyed eating all of my special foods with me. I brought plenty because I knew that would happen. He kissed my tummy to make it better when I showed him the bruising and incision so he would know he couldn't maul me the way he frequently does.   Thank you Lord for providing the medical means to help me get this disease under control. Thank you for grandchildren who make having the surgery to regain my health all worth while. Thank you for air conditioning and for having to live and sleep without it so that I will once again appreciate it. Thank you for setbacks that make me apprecaite when all is going well. Thank you for cream of chicken soup. Every drop was delicious.
 

Food, Fat, Focus, Falls, Finances, and Floods

Saturday, November 21, 2009   Food, Fat, Focus, Falls, Finances, and Floods     Lost 2 more lbs. I'm at 178 lbs, 11 lbs from goal. I just bought a few tops that are size large. I'm aftraid by the time I reach goal they may be too loose. I bought a pair of jeans that are low cut in a size 12. They fit my butt and thighs really nice but now they're a little loose. I'm hoping they all shrink in the wash. I'm going to end up having to buy more clothes if they don't shrink. I'm going to pick up some pants my sister-in-law sent me that are size 14's. She lost weight and most pants that fit me now are 14's. The size 12 jeans only fit because they're so low cut and all the walking has really trimmed my butt and thighs   Its somewhat disconcerting to see my change in shape. I don't mean the weight loss. I mean that since the last time I was thin, my shape has changed. The combination of having had a hysterectomy and age makes you thicken at the waist and more weight goes on the upper abdomen. Makes getting pants that fit and flatter difficult.   I've started doing crunches on an abcruncher my husband picked up at a garage sale. We'll see if that helps reshape me a little. I did a hundred crunchesthis morning.   I'm still scared about maintenance. It's getting closer everyday. I've lost so many times in the past but could never maintain. It's the loss of focus once I reach goal that's part of the problem. This is a disease that will never leave me. It will never leave me alone. I'm really praying that the band will make the difference between this time and all the other times I've lost weight.   I feel so good and have so much energy. I'm really afraid of injury, especially injury from falling. In the past, injury has really sabotaged my maintenance. Herniated discs have been a major contributor. Severe unrelenting pain, the inability to move freely, bad neck, bad back, bad knees, bad shoulders, all these things have sabotaged me in the past. As I get back in shape I have to be very careful not to injure myself. But if I do, I now have a band to tide me over through physical recovery and keep me from comforting myself and medicating my pain with food.   My basement is not smelling nearly as much and that is a mood lifter for me. Repairing the damage after all the flooding has been almost beyond my ability to comprehend. Now that the drain tiles are in, I think the walls may be drying out for the first time in a long time. My husband is preparing the basement so he can spray it to kill the remaining mold on all surfaces. Then I'm going to get an electrician in to take all the extra BX that was put in and organize it into straight bundles that run along the main beam and then branch out to the light fixtures.   Once all the electric and waterpipes are secure and neat we can spray paint the rafters of the basement and all the pipes will be painted and will be less visible. After that we'll tackle the floor. It will need some scraping and perhaps some fresh concrete in certain areas. Then we'll spray paint that. Hopefully, by next summer we can put up insulation behind the wooden framework we left up and drywall over that. We need a new toilet and shower and sink and cabinets (not to mention walls) in the bathroom, and then we'll be in business.   I also hope to put in a new roof and fix its leak in the spring. My husband is going for training as a security guard and already has an offer of employment at a factory. If I still have a job next fall that is, then the extra money will help us get this place where I'll either be a lot happier living here, or I'll sell it and downsize.   Those are my plans and I can at least see an end to my house problems. There are also car problems as both our cars are aging and neither one of us is good with cars. We are very easily ripped off by mechanics. Just had a $300 repair on a car and I really needed new glasses. My insurance for glasses is very poor and I absolutely need progressives so with the eye exam, that was another $500. It never ends.   Thank God my husband has stepped up to the plate. The past 5 years his employment has been spotty and low-paying until he finally went on social security at 62. Don't let anyone tell you there's no age discrimination in this country. Security jobs are available to older men and pay $12-18/hr. He can supplement his social security or go full time for benefits if by next fall I have no job.   I am so aware that unforseen events can completely sabotage all these plans and that God may have a different idea in mind, but it helps me psychologically to have a plan and to see an end to this particular set of troubles. Looking that far ahead is difficult, but keeping in mind that, with God's help, we can get through these financial difficulties, is what sustains me.   Meanwhile I keep working on remaining content, knowing that I can do (or get through) all things through him that strengthens me--food, falls, finances, and floods.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Joy of Food

Thursday, June 25, 2009   Joy of Food     Today I went shopping for food. I fixed food for myself, something I seldom do. Food addiction robbed me of the joy of picking out food from the grocery store and fixing it. I avoided both in an effort to prevent triggering over-eating. But today I had the challenge of making egg whites taste good. I tried chili powder, ground black pepper, a sprinkling of salt and a sprinkling of lowfat cheddar cheese. Not bad.   Food addiction robs us of so much joy. The joy of really enjoying our food. We gobble it without tasting, or we only taste the first few bites. Going through a store with food triggers cravings. Cooking food triggers craving. If we make something the way we really like it, we can't stop eating it. We eat out because quantities are limited. Except that everything is supersized.   Maybe I can get that joy back. I remember cooking by the seat of my pants, a little of this, a little of that, what's in the cabinets and fridge, what will happen if I put this with that, probably better never make that again, that was surprisingly tasty. Couldn't follow a recipe to save my life. Couldn't go to the grocery store with a list and come home with everything on it. But I liked cooking.   I'm on soft foods for 2 weeks. I'm actually excited about seeing what I can do with some limited options. I'm even planning ways to make the food something my husband might even eat.   Joy. Joy of food. Joy of cooking. Joy of life. The way God intended it to be. I don't want to go back to the way life is not supposed to be. The joy of the Lord will have to be my strength.
 

Obsession Lurks

Friday, June 26, 2009   Obsession Lurks     I thoroughly enjoyed eating chicken today at my grandson's birthday party. (I also thoroughly enjoyed the party and playing with my grandkids.) I was careful to chew each piece to mush before swallowing and to avoid drinking liquids for half an hour before and after. I also had a little hummus, which, like the refried beans I'm allowed to have, is fairly high protein. If I could have eaten more, I would. The taste was amazing and I enjoyed each bite. The temptation to keep eating, however slowly, however uncomfortable I was, was unbelievable. I was grateful for my new stomach which did the weighing and measuring for me, and for the knowledge that I'd be in pain and would throw up if I kept eating.   Some of the food nazis I met in Overeater's Anonymous are convinced that sugar is behind food addiction. Sugar and carbs--particularly simple carbs. Shoot your blood sugar up and you shoot up your cravings. Eliminate all sugar from your diet and you'll eliminate the cravings. They search for carbs in everything they might eat like gold miners panning for gold. Well, I was doing pure protein with the chicken and I've been on high protein for a couple of weeks and my addiction was triggered by a non-carb. It was the taste, smell and sight of food I really love.   Does it help to greatly reduce simple sugars? Sure. Does it eliminate the cravings? No. Only God can do that since they have not yet come up with a really effective medical solution, and it seems he prefers I continue to struggle.   So the choice is: do I go through the struggle with him or without him? Do I allow the struggle to draw me closer to him and make me more dependant on him? Do I continue to be transparent and honest about this struggle in this blog or do I fudge over these issues and be a Polyanna Chrsitian?   I learned to work a 12 step program in Alanon and OA and it always comes back to the first 3 steps.   1. Admitted I was powerless over (whatever your obsession may be) and its making my life unmanageable.   2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.   3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power.   One day at a time, one minute at a time, one swallow at a time, one bite at a time
 

Another Ticket! ADHD Strikes Again

Thursday, August 13, 2009   Another Ticket! ADHD Strikes Again.     I am so sick of ADHD. All of a sudden I'm leaving my lights on in my car. I always drive with my lights on, day or night, and automatically turn them off when I park. I know people see me easier if my lights are on plus I got sick of forgetting to turn my lights on as it turned dusk while I was driving. Doing it all the time made it part of my routine. But this summer, the lapband thing (including this blog) has taken over my mind. So has Facebook.   I haven't been driving as much because I'm not teaching, I can't go shopping or places that cost money because I have no money--at least no extra money. So I'm out of my routine, and have developed a new passion that appears to have hijacked my remaining brain cells--at least the ones that involve driving.   So far I've been in an accident that got me a ticket, my grandson asked me why the lights were on after we exited the car, some kind neighbors of the school where I work knocked on the door to tell me my lights were on, and I didn't turn the lights all the way off when I went to Borders to read for an afternoon, and had to call my husband to come jump the car. Twice this week I found myself driving south down 394 to my daughter's when that wasn't where I was going. Today, I didn't notice the Do Not Park signs on the trees at work.They post these when the street cleaner is coming by and I got a parking ticket. Aargh! I'm going broke(er)! I need school to start to get me into a routine so my brain starts functioning again.   So I'm cutting back on some of the sites I've been visiting. I've cut back on Facebook. I'm actually getting at this blog and finishing it at a reasonable time and going to bed at a reasonable time. Next week I'll be at school several days to get my room ready and attend inservices. The following week school starts on the 26th.   I was at school today with my assistant working on the room as well. While I was there I met with a parent. School is slowly taking over my brain again. You'll probably start getting teaching stories from me now.   But one thing remains formost--managing my eating disorder. Its not gone. Its lurking. The band makes it manageable. School will bring its own complications. But I will be back in a routine. Routines really help ADHD people. Till they forget their routines and forget to turn their lights off on their cars.   I'm trying to establish a food routine. But I am very aware that it doesn't take much for a change in cirumstance to destroy a routine I've had for years--turning my lights on after I start the car, and turning them off immediately after shutting off the engine.   But I can do all things, Through him who strengthens me.   I'm in his hands, no matter what my lot, no matter what my circumstance. I can get through the good stuff, I can get through the bad stuff.   I know the secret to being content is knowing he'll give me the strength to get through multiple ADHD moments, tickets, potential job loss, good food days, and bad food days. I got a ticket today. I didn't overeat.
 

Relatives--Help or Hindrance

Sunday, July 19, 2009   Relatives--Help or Hindrance     My husband threw out all his night-time treats. Just because he loves me. Pretty cool. I let him know I was struggling with the treats he kept in the house and frequently ate in the evenings while we watched TV and played on our computers. In fact, I was just thinking about the ice cream in the freezer and, oops!, remembered Ken threw it out. Thank God. Thank you, Ken.   This disease is not fair to him. It's not fair that his choices impact me way beyond what they should. He can eat ice cream and then let it sit untouched for weeks. He had a taste for yellow cupcakes with chocolate frosting and decided to make them himself, ate a couple, and let the rest sit. For him, no big deal. For me, unbearable temptation.   I know they're there. Knowing makes them pop into my mind over and over. I have to reject eating them over and over and over. Taking care of myself by being honest with my husband was important for me to do. It's part of working on being less people-pleasing when its to my detriment. It is entirely to his credit that he chose to get rid of the snacks and not to eat snacks at night in front of me. He wants to be with me. It was his main reason for giving up smoking when he married me. He couldn't smoke around me and he wanted to be with me.   He'll probably still keep some treats hidden and eat them when I'm not around. That's fine. Out of sight, out of mind. If I don't know its there it won't be on my mind, either. Chances are Ken'll lose some weight, too, which wouldn't be a bad thing.   Night-time has always been my most difficult time. Food has always helped me wind down. Some people drink alcohol. I eat food--it puts me into a kind of carbohydrate coma. Those carbs generally come with fat attached. Perfect recipe for slowly but surely putting on the weight.   So many factors in eating disorders. It's such a complex disease. Relatives can help or they can hinder. Ideally, we shouldn't need the cooperation of our relatives. We're asking them to be codependent. But we also need to take care of ourselves. There are people who would deliberately sabotage those they profess to love. There are those relatives with the same addiction who have a vested interest in keeping you the same and not letting you change. There are those who don't know addiction at all and urge you to eat--they made it special just for you, it doesn't hurt to have a little once in a while, etc. There are also those who would never humble themselves and give up their right to eat what they want when they want it and might actually insist that buy those things yourself and keep them in the house for them.   With these people you need to have heavy-duty boundaries and perhaps actually keep them at a safe distance or even totally out of your life. I'm blessed that my husband is supportive. I'm blessed that he reads my blog because he wants to know me better and understand what I'm going through.   He's a little angry at having to change his lifestyle to accommodate my disease and he's entitled to be. But we talk about it. We're no longer ignoring the elephant (my eating disorder not me) in the room. I may get to the point where he can go back to eating snacks in front of me and keeping my favorites in the house, but not right now. Not with the reduced restriction I'm experiencing while waiting for my first fill.   Once again, weight loss surgery is a tool, not a solution. If I don't take care of myself in my relationships, it won't be as helpful.
 

Banding Our Heads

Monday, July 20, 2009   Banding Our Heads     Bandsters have a saying, "If only they could band our heads." They refer to cravings as "head hunger." Over and over they talk about how the lap band is only a tool. Instead of diets, the lap band helps us initiate a lifestyle change. Some still measure, keep food diaries and plans, count calories or carbs or proteins or points, at least during the times they're struggling. But the goal is lifestyle change. Making healthy choices. Not being ruled by food.   Someday, maybe soon, they'll come up with a pill that helps with the head hunger. They're working on it. Until then, we use whatever tools work for us. The lap band is a big one. An amazing number of people are having various forms of weight loss surgery. Like me, they're desperate. Everything else has failed for them. I look at the ads Google puts on my blog page. Some of those things are legitimate. Many are quick fixes that don't work long term. Just the titles make me laugh.   Hope springs eternal, so people continue to try the latest diet fad. What's ironic is that our obsession with weight and dieting is killing us. It's making us fat. It screws up our metabolisms. We end up with metabolic sydrome--insulin resistance--which leads to high blood pressure, high cholesterol and triglycerides, and diabetes.   It would be a whole lot better for us if we all remained a little overweight than if we start the cycle of dieting and gaining the weight back. We weren't meant to stay teenager thin. How ironic that with women we have a cultural obsession to be thinner than women have ever been, yet obesity is reaching epidemic proportions. Forget swine flu or SARs. This is the real epidemic. And its a killer.   As a country we tend to think education can cure anything. I'm sure our already over-burdened educational system is going to be expected to start teaching eating disorders prevention, or nutritional health along with drug prevention and violence prevention and self-esteem lessons. But most of us who are compulsive eaters could get jobs as nutritionists. We have tons of nutritional education yet remain addicted to food. Education is not the cure.   Most of the food industry experiments with products and additives and supersizing and taste sensations just to get us to eat more so they'll profit more. Wouldn't surprise me if the same companies are also heavily invested in weight loss products. It's like the women's magazine covers. There's always a picture of someone who lost weight and a picture of a chocolate cake. What a schizophrenic society we live in.   For me, the biggest resource is God. These blogs are letters to him as well as to myself and whoever else out there is reading them. Essentially, I'm looking at every aspect of my life that contributes to the addiction problem and laying it out before him. Its a way for me to work the 12 steps of any good addiction recovery program.   The band is a tool to control the outward sign of this addiction. But real recovery comes with God's help, working the steps.   1. I'm admitting that I'm powerless over food and its making my life unmanageable. 2 I believe that only a power greater than myself (God) can restore me to sanity. 3. I turn my will and my life over to the care of that higher power. 4. I'm making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. 5. I'm admitting to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. 6. I'm becoming entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. I'm humbly asking him to remove my shortcomings. 8. I've made a list of all the people I've harmed, and am becoming willing to make amends to them all. 9. I'm making dirct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. 10 I continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong promptly admit it. 11 I seek through prayer and meditation (and Bible reading) to improve my conscious contact with God and seek only knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I try to carry this message to other food addicts and to practice these principles in all my affairs.
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