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What an Idiot!

Saturday, July 25, 2009   What an Idiot!     What an idiot! I got in a minor fender bender today and got a ticket. I let myself be pressured by a honking driver who wanted me to pull out into fast-moving traffic and then swerved around me to get out of the parking lot driveway and pulled into traffic ahead of me. I followed him and hit a car he just missed. He was laughing as he pulled away. So I let an idiot turn me into one.   Loss of serenity. Letting someone else's bad behavior affect your decisions. Just a momentary lapse and...boom! No one hurt. My old car has just one more scrape but, of course, the other car was strategically hit in the right front quarter panel and the door with a scrape on the wheel cover. The mother of the young man driving the other car was understandably upset, but calmed down fairly quickly as I apologized and took responsibility.   What amazed me is how she, her son, and her daughter were all immediately on their cell phones and taking pictures with their phones as well as their handy-dandy camera. It all ended fairly amicably since I have good insurance and took responsibility.   But I'll have to go to court to get my license back. Had to call the insurance company. Felt like an idiot.   This is life. I love the serenity prayer at moments like this. It's become absorbed into my nature over the years and in an emergency I go right into that mode.   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.   I couldn't change the fact that I got in an accident or that it was my fault, so I immediately accepted that fact and my responsibility. I could speak calmly and soothingly to the distraught, angry woman, quickly apologizing, and de-escalated the situation quite rapidly so that she apologized to me. I had ignored her screaming at me to stop my car and moved it to a safer place where it wouldn't block traffic and cause another accident. She thought I was leaving the scene. Once she realized my intent, she was embarassed.   Afterwards, I did not go home and eat.   Acceptance and serenity. Two major tools of recovery. I couldn't go back and change what happened, though I surely wish I could have. I didn't dwell on it. I had the courage to admit I was at fault and to change the atmosphere. I had the wisdom to know that I had to act to move my car right away and explain later.   Honesty is another huge tool of the program. "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it!" Step 10 of the 12 steps.   I also made amends which is Step 9. In fact, by having a current license and carrying good insurance, I was prepared to make amends in just such a situation.   Now I did call the reckless driver a bad name--something to do with a donkey's hind end, but realized that would get me nowhere and I needed to take care of my business.   And I did. And I didn't eat.   God is good all the time! All the time God is good!
 

Celebrate!

Sunday, July 26, 2009   Celebrate!     Several people posted the past 2 days about having kids with major addictions. Some are taking care of grandchildren or have never seen their grandchildren due to removal from birth parent due to child endangerment.   My heart goes out to everyone dealing with addiction with their grown children. I have attended Alanon for years, gone to counseling, work currently a little bit with Celebrate Recovery. Spent some time posting back to those struggling. My first husband had an issue with alcohol. One of the best things I'm doing is dealing with my own addiction to food. I see codependency as closely tied into food addiction. Tough love and taking care of ourselves in relationships aides our own recovery and sets a good example to the other addicts or potential addicts (like our children) in our lives.   I had a wonderful Sunday. Church this morning and then a luncheon with a group that 20 years ago sponsored several Ethiopian refugees at a former church. One of the refugees was out here visiting with his wife and kids. We all reminisced about that time and some of the funny cultural differences and situations that arose. I ate a little bit of everything that looked good to me but did not overindulge.   Then I sang on a praise team at a special service this evening. We're a multicultural church and we had our annual Taste of Reconciliation. I had a few tastes of various countries, focusing on protein, a little of this and that. Did not overindulge. Didn't want to bp in the middle of a song on stage. LOL. Then we moved into the sanctuary where my praise team and invited singers and groups from other churches also sang--sometimes in other languages. We had a dynamite short sermon, dynamite music of all styles, I got to sing in Spanish. Haven't sung all summer since choir took a summer break. People left on such a spiritual high. Loved it.   Worship; acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with our God; 12-step recovery groups; spreading the good news of the Gospel and how we can recover even from our addictions; having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all my affairs.   Today was a gift. So many of the elements of recovery were there. Many of the things most precious to me were celebrated.   God is good all the time, All the time God is good.
 

Food, Fun, Faith, and Family. Done Right

Sunday, August 9, 2009   Food, Fun and Family. Done Right.     Had a great time with my relatives Friday and Saturday. I think two things keep my extended family relatively close. One is faith in God, even though we have some variances in worship style and Biblical interpretation. We choose to emphasize the oneness in faith rather than the differences.   The other is our love of children. My youngest sister's kids are not yet grown, and my other siblings kids are almost grown or young singles, or married with very young children so our family reunions have never been without young children and young people.   We are tall people and noisy. Especially when the adults (and semi-adults) are playing Mafia late at night, or multi-generational whiffle ball in the early evening. Without any prompting, whenever a little kid is up at bat, things never seem to go right in the infield. Balls get dropped, throws go the wrong way, and somehow that child always makes it to first base. Those in the bleachers supervise the children of the adults in the field. Competition among the adults, however, is cutthroat. Even my 80 year old father plays.   Throughout the reunion little ones are swept off their feet and find themselves looking down on the world, often from much higher than six feet. They are loved on, tickled, played with, passed around, comforted and kept safe by many hands.   We catch up on each other's lives--the good news and the bad news. We share our faith, how God is working in our lives. Food is a constant. We never ran out at this reunion, though we did have to run out for toilet paper.   I lost three lbs. the three days before the reunion. I put 3 back on over the 2 days, some of which was from all the salt in the foods, but today I am right back on my proteinfest without any problems and am not hungry. A lot of the food was what bandsters call slider food--dips, condiments, high fat cookies and cakes with frosting and filling. These are foods that slide through the donut hole between the new pouch and the old stomach. I didn't pig out on them, but I ate them. I wasn't going to make myself miserable staring at food I couldn't have. After my fill on Tuesday it will become harder to eat these. I hope.   There is a huge difference between Dr.s and how much they fill in the band at a time. There is a difference between how long they'll make the patient wait between fills as well. I read a post from a woman today whose Dr. fills only a little and makes her wait 2 months between fills. She was ready to give up. Her husband was also giving her a hard time about "eating so little." I'm hoping my Dr. is a little more aggressive than that and I'm grateful that my husband is much more cooperative and understanding.   I look forward to our next reunion. The Lord willing, I think it'll be even easier. We only seem to do this about once a year, because we come from all over the USA. Maybe by then I'll have reached the sweet spot where the the band is just right to stop me from overeating and the lifestyle change has become automatic.   Food, fun, and family. Done right.   Two more weeks and school starts. More on that tomorrow.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
 

Things That Make Me Feel Good.

Thursday, October 29, 2009   Things That Make Me Feel Good.     It was supposed to be 65 and sunny today. I was so looking forward to coming home and walking outside. Well, the sun never showed up and it never quite reached 65. I came home and got dressed for my walk, walked out the door and was met with a steady drizzle. This has been an incredibly wet autumn. So I changed coats, put on a hat, and went walking anyway. It was still light enough to see the golden colors of the remaining leaves. But I would have loved to have seen them lit by the sun. I think I do have a little more restriction. Which is good because I'm really craving food. Especially carbs.   Ahh Vicodin. Used after surgeries and for all types of pain. Kept me up all night in addition to constipating me. Puts some people to sleep. Me, it kept awake. Made my heart race. Hated it. Don't understand how people get addicted to it.   Love Miralax. Its my friend. Veggies and salads have never helped with my constipation. Took tons of fiber. Worked, but gave me gas. Course, so does the band. Or the Miralax. Or the protein shakes. Or the Kashi bar. Or all the protein. After the band I made up a new saying, "Feel free to fart frequently."   Lot of Dr.s telling people to take Vitamin D. Sometimes put them on megadoses to get their levels up. But some people don't feel well on the megadoses. You know, I take over the counter Vitamin D with no side effects. No megadoses. I probably get about 2-4000 IU per day. I'm increasing it because of the lack of sunshine this fall. I think its really helped with my Seasonal Affective Disorder.   I need to share a tidbit about the cerebellum and exercise. It used to be thought that the cerebellum, at the bottom back of your brain, only controlled movement. Now it is known that it is the source of sequencing which is the basis of logic, higher level thinking skills and math. When you excercise you burn neural pathways that increase your sequencing skills, thereby making you smarter. A school whose students ran for half an hour before school every morning not only saw obesity almost eliminated, they saw dramatic increases in test scores.   So, get moving ladies. Maybe we should make all politicians, business leaders, insurance CEOs, and pundits go out and run every morning. They could use some logic skills.   I also read yesterday that 30 minutes of aerobic exercise increases one's sense of well-being for up to 12 hours. I walked over an hour today. In the rain. And I felt good.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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October--Tricks and Treats

Saturday, October 31, 2009   October--Tricks and Treats     Halloween. Tricks and treats. My daughter had a party for a few couples before they and their kids all went trick or treating. My husband and I also attended. I came early to take my grandson David to his indoor soccer game first. David has just turned 5 and just still makes this age group for soccer. He stands a head taller than everyone else. Hysterical. David kicking the ball the wrong way. David, laying down and refusing to get up. David wanting to leave to get a drink of water in the middle of the game--which I could tell by his cheeks he really needed. David refusing to leave the floor when it was his turn to sit out. David looking everywhere but at the ball. David pushing the other kids.   David is mildly autistic and I'm sure most parents had no idea why this big tall kid was being such a pain. I had to walk out onto the floor several times to say to him quietly that he might not get to go trick or treating. Last year my daughter had the coaches permission to stay on the floor with him all the time.   He needs the exposure to these situations and the exercise is good for him, but you could just see the processing delays on verbal instructions. Poor kid.   However, when he got home his friends came over and then he got to be "Octopus Prime" (aka Optimus Prime from Transformers) and go trick or treating.   He handled being with his friends and trick or treating just fine. But the number of people and the noise level and activity of the soccer game were too much for him.   His "Octopus" Prime reminded me of a kindergartner I heard singing at school Friday (to the tune of Michael Jackson's Thriller) "Gorilla! Gorilla night!" Picture Gorillas dancing like the zombies in the video.   I have to admit I ate several small chocolate candy bars at my daughter's. She had a lot of slider appetizers and I ate some of that without putting it on crackers or tortilla chips and didn't pig out. But I couldn't resist the chocolate bars. I haven't had chocolate bars in months.   I'm glad Halloween is over. Next big temptation--Thanksgiving. I have several weeks to recover from October, which contained a 125th Anniversary celebration for Roseland Christian School where I teach, a 40th high school reunion, my college's 50th anniversary celebration at Navy Pier in downtown Chicago, 2 two-day conferences, 2 retreats, David's 5th birthday party at Chucky Cheese, and Halloween. I'm happy and consider it somewhat of a miracle to have lost 4 lbs this past month.   My fill seems to work well to limit all foods except slider foods. So hopefully November will be mostly slider free.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Discouragement

Monday, August 24, 2009   Discouragement     I'm having a hard time with food tonight. I am absolutely craving chocolate and have eaten two Kashi bars just for the taste of the sprinkling of chocolate chips sprinkled inside them. Before that I had trouble stopping myself from eating chicken. I've been craving chocolate for days. I can't wait for my fill tomorrow. It won't take away the craving but it will help limit the damage. Sometimes I actually overeat good-for-me-stuff in order to avoid pigging out on what I crave.   I've been doing so good. So now I've got to figure out why the cravings are so strong. Well, it seems obvious to me. School starts on Wednesday. I have always used food to help me focus and get on task. I miss my drug. It may be that now that my blood pressure is down and I'm on fewer and fewer meds, I may have to see about going on ADHD meds. They have some new ones out that aren't stimulants.   One of the best adult tests for adult ADHD assesses the following five clusters. These remain in adults as hyperactivity and impulsivity characteristic in childhood ADHD diminish.   •Organizing and activating to work. •Sustaining attention and concentration. •Sustaining energy and effort. •Managing affective interference. •Using working memory and accessing recall.   When I read this yesterday in Psychiatric Times, it was almost more than I could take. I have all five of those symptoms and they are all currently overactive. Chocolate and coffee are particularly effective in self-medicating those symptoms. I drink decaf and I've had very little chocolate since having my lapband surgery. So I'm trying to handle my ADHD without my most effective medicine.   When I was a teenager I lived on chocolate. I never ate breakfast, had a light lunch but ate candy bars whenever available, and ate a hearty supper with chocolate ice cream for dessert. I was very active. When I added coffee in college and as a young mother, chocolate and coffee were my mainstays. I could live my life on chocolate and coffee.   Recently I talked with another bandster who, now that she's lost the weight, lives on chocolate and coffee. She remains very thin. That's an enormous temptation for me. Sometimes I've wondered if I'd mostly eaten that and ate just a little other food, that I might not have gained all the weight. The problem was all the "healthy" food I ate on top of it because I figured I needed the nutrients. And, like today, when I deny myself what I crave, I overeat "healthy" foods.   It's going to be an interesting year. I don't know if there's going to be enough NCLB funding available to keep me and my assistant working. We are paid according to the number of children I see each week. So far, I have no idea how many RCS students are returning. Last year we had 240 total students, this year we are at 140 with school starting in two days. I need my assistant. She does all the paperwork for NCLB, does all the record-keeping and keeps everything organized so I'm free to teach. Last year I cut down to having her two days instead of three, and another assistant two days. This year I won't have the second assistant.   Next year a new vendor will be in charge and is not obligated to hire me. Everytime I walk in my classroom I'm having trouble sitting down and focusing and getting stuff done. I've already talked about how bad my memory's been this summer (and its definitely my working memory, not my longterm that's affected and its affecting my ability to recall information. Well, I can't organize and activate to work, I can't sustain attention and concentration or energy and effort, and I'm not managing affective (emotional) interference.   It will take the pressure of school actually starting to get me to concentrate. That's not unusual for me, to a certain extent it happens every year, but it feels worse this year. So I'm considering medication. Often, for ADHD people, drugs that specifically work on ADHD are necessary to help a person lose weight and maintain weight loss so that they don't use food to self-medicate the ADHD symptoms.   We'll see. I've been on meds before and done very well. But then my blood pressure started going up a little and I panicked. Well, my blood pressure really went up without the ADHD meds as I gained and gained weight. I just hate more Dr.'s visits.   This is my 9th year of teaching at RCS and each year has brought major challenges and I'm constantly adapting to fit the circumstances. The challenge has always helped me to focus. I'm just not sure the challenges I'm facing this year are the kind that will help me focus. I feel like my program is going backwards.   I'm going to see how it goes. I'm scared. All the old feelings of inadequacy about being able to hold down a job are back. So much of my life has been spent hiding my ADHD under a veneer of competency that I couldn't sustain. This job I've done so well because I designed it around my ADHD and haven't tried to disguise it. Now circumstances are changing and its bringing back old fears.   I want to eat.   Lord, I need your help. I'm powerless over food and over my ADHD. I ask you to take over my mind and my stomach. Get me through this time of uncertainty, hold my hand, take care of me. Amen
 

The Cost of Food Addiction

Monday, June 15, 2009   The Cost of Food Addiction     Sometimes I kid myself and think the only person I've hurt with my addiction is myself. My life so often consists of helping everyone else. How can I be hurting them?   Food is a barrier to intimacy. I don't talk while I eat. I'm totally absorbed in my food, which I devour like someone might take it away before I'm done. I just might stick them with a fork if they tried. I stand and stare at food which I want to eat but know I shouldn't. I leave conversations at parties in order to go snatch a little more food. I open and shut cabinets and refrigerator doors hoping there will be something in there that will quell the restlessness of ADHD but have no caloric impact. Fat chance.   Food has robbed the people around me of my presence and also of funds that could have been spent on things like home improvement and vacations. I don't want to even begin to tally up the costs, not only of excess food, but of medicine for conditions created or exacerbated by overweight, as well as over-the-counter supplements to try to prevent me from eating or to counter-balance the ill effects of overeating. I've spent money at weight watchers and Jenny Craig. I may have helped the economy but I robbed my family.   The epidemic of obesity in this country has raised the cost of insurance for everyone else astronomically. You're paying for my obesity.   Insurance companies don't make it easy to get this surgery. Personally, I think they might save money in the long run if they made it more available to those who are pre-morbidly obese, who have not yet become physically handicapped, diabetic, or had debilitating heart attacks or strokes, before the counter is lined by medicines needed to counteract the effects of obesity.   Nutritionists, weight-loss gurus, magazines, self-help groups, and Oprah all bombard us with information about the dangers of overeating and how we should eat, but that doesn't stop the compulsion and it hasn't even slowed down the epidemic. At the nutrition classes I was required to attend prior to surgery, I knew the answer to every question the nutritionist posed. Knowledge is not always power. Oprah, herself, is living proof. Even with her own pet nutritionists and work-out gurus, the weight came back.   I believe that I'm going to cost my family and the insurance company a lot less in the future. The Lord willing I'll be able to be there for my grandchildren, I'll be able to keep teaching full time, I'll be better off financially, I'll actually look at and talk to my husband while I eat, I'll feel better, look better, move better, and not make a meal out of pills. I'll be able to be the best Cheri God created me to be, the person he made me to be from the beginning.
 

Validation and Pizza

Tuesday, June 16, 2009   Validation and Pizza     The support of those I love and of various friends has been amazing. I feel supported and confident most of the time. I've been prayed with and prayed for and the degree of understanding and compassion has been very validating.   I've lost 10 lbs on this low-carb liquid diet which should be good for the surgery. Hopefully, my liver has shrunk. I haven't been very hungry which is amazing. Writing in this blog has been a tremendous release for me and is one of the reasons I think I'm not even thinking about food--most of the time. Tonight I was visiting with my granddaughter when my son said he'd ordered himself some pizza. I had to leave. Pizza is one of those foods I only eat at parties; I never have it at home. I absolutely can't stop eating it. I had to leave. I don't know if I'll ever have pizza again, and the temptation was overwhelming to have it one last time.   A few weeks ago, we had a healing service at church. The point was made that we need to thank God for the healing we will receive through medical services as well as through more direct intervention. We were encouraged to seek prayer for healing in whatever form God chose to grant it. I'm not afraid to have surgeries and take medicine for various conditions. I've prayed for healing--particularly for healing from food addiction, because so many of the other conditions are the result of my addiction. I've always felt that asking for relief from my other ailments would not be honored by God until the food addiction was dealt with.   So I went up and asked for prayer for healing in whatever ways God chose to grant it. After that is when the "If your eye offends you, pluck it out" verse came to me and I transposed it, humorously, and then seriously, to"If your stomach offends you, tie it off."   The amazing thing is, since the nurse called me with a date for the surgery, and I went ahead and scheduled it, I've been experiencing a lot less pain. The excercises I've been doing to stretch and strengthen my neck, lower back, and hips stopped killing me. The pain in my neck when I swing my arms while I walk, as well as the pain in my hips has subsided considerably. I tried out a different position while sleeping that seems to be helping both my neck and hips get stretched and positioned while I sleep. I'm sleeping better and able to stay asleep longer.   I had to go off my anti-inflammatory (non-steroidal drug) prior to surgery in order to prevent excessive bleeding and I thought I was going to be in a lot of pain for the week prior to surgery. I'm stiff, but acetaminaphin alone has been sufficient to handle the pain.   I can only imagine what kind of improvement I'll show once the weight is off.   Pizza-costly.   Validation from my friends, family, and Heavenly Father. Priceless.
 

Dance More!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009   Dance More!     I was watching Big Momma's House 2 today and just burst out laughing at the antics of Big Momma; Big Momma landing in the mud bath splashing mud all over the beautiful women in the spa; Big Momma running down the beach in her tight yellow swim suit; Big Momma teaching the kids to dance and swing their butts.   Yes it was fake fat, but there was no shame, no hiding it, no refusal to participate in life because of the fat. Remember when Women's shows and magazine articles always promoted dark clothes for "full-figured" women in order to look slim? No bright colors, no horizontal stripes, no bold patterns. I remember a stong hint for me to not wear yellow on stage. Not only do many people prefer that we fade into the background, they also prefer that we not draw attention to ourselves in behavioral ways either. Exuberance draws attention to your fat.   Many of us refuse to live like that. But we know people who do. People who won't go swimming in public, who girdle themselves to death trying to contain the uncontainable, who always wear black. Others of us won't let ourselves be so limited.   In fact, I bounce around so much when I'm singing praise music (I've never been able to stand still if there's a beat) in church that I got an anonymous note from someone suggesting I go out and buy better foundational garments. Actually, that was the second note. The first note implied that with all my "jumping around back there and lifting my arms" I was keeping people from being able to see the other singers. I'm in a multicultural church and all the African-American women on my Gospel praise team just started laughing when I read them the notes. One told me to dance more. Obviously "Anonymous" was white and uptight.   I love colors and textures and bold jewelry. I try to dress with flare and flattery. Other than winter pants, I only have a few items that are black. And I still "jump around" and clap and raise my arms when singing. My husband and I will go to fests to listen to various bands, and we're usually the first ones (and sometimes only ones) to get up and dance. We do the same at weddings and we usually don't even drink. We do a pretty good hustle. We're also the first ones on the floor for the electric or cha-cha slides.   This is pretty amazing considering I come from a Dutch Christian Reformed church background. Some of them didn't even believe in dancing in wooden shoes. When those from my generation do dance, they tend to look like they're dancing in wooden shoes. Rythym is not their strong suite. Singing hymns in harmony is.   Once I lose this weight, I want to dance more. Get some more lessons. I'm always physically in pain afterwards (and sometimes before) from my arthritis, but I save my Vicodin from my surgeries (which I hardly use) for dancing.   God meant for life to be celebrated. I hope you dance--more!
 

Surgeries Done, New Life's Begun

Friday, June 19, 2009   Sugery's Done, New Life's Begun     Surgery went well. The Dr. fixed a hiatal hernia (common with overweight people) which should fix my GERD (gastroesophogeal reflux). That'll be one less pill right there. However, with laparoscopic surgery air gets put into the abdominal cavity. Every time I take a sip of liquid and I swallow some air goes into my stomach which pushes on the air outside the stomach which presses some nerve in the diaphram that sends referred pain to the shoulders. I should absorb that air in a few days. My stomach's a little sore, but so far, there are very few repercussions to me physically. I'm only allowed to drink clear liquids for the first 5-7 days, and believe me, that's all I can handle.   I can't garden for a few weeks or take a bath or go swimming. There's a port under the skin that the Dr. will use to adjust my lap band (think inflatable doughnut.) He'll put a needle through that port to blow up the ring as my stomach shrinks and the band loosens. If I have complications, the band can be removed.   I am quite mobile, I can walk as much as I want, I just can't do anything strenuous that might move the band out of place. I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. I was very at peace before the surgery that I was doing the right thing and that God was with me.   I'm excited and scared about this new life but I know God is walking with me through it all.
 

Getting Rid of the Crap

Monday, July 27, 2009   Getting Rid of the Crap     Thought I'd give you a heads up on the topic today. In case you're squeamish. If you've ever been on the Atkins diet you know you lost weight but you probably also experienced constipation. You have to pick fibers that don't shoot up your blood sugar. I managed because I took ground flax seed and Psyllium Husk. I also found fish oil helped. Veggies and fruits are carbs and have to be limited on Atkins--especially fruit.   I've never been that fond of salads and raw veggies, and fruit is limited because of its high sugar content. Not that fruit ever helped me with a lifelong constipation problem. I could eat a lb of grapes or cherries and see no impact.   The food protocol for lap band is pretty close to the Atkins Diet. Protein first. Veggies and fruit in small quantities. Careful with the grains because they swell and stretch the stomach. Regular bread and rice can make you bp when they swell. Whole grains can be added cautiously to help control hunger after you've been on the band awhile and your stomach is healed.   So enter my old enemy, constipation. Laxatives barely help. I've added fish oil back and just a little ground flax seed. I'm scared of the Psyllium Husk because I know it expands in water. I drink my V8 everyday as well as some diet V8 Splash to get my veggies. I do have some cooked broccoli and califlower and green beans. All fruit has to be peeled and raw veggies can hurt the stomach. I eat a lot of beans (not green ones), but all they do is make me fart.   When I was a kid I was so constipated I only went 1x/wk after my big Sunday dinner. TMI, I know, but I gave you fair warning.   Excercise is supposed to help but I'm walking and hour and fifteen minutes everyday. Big meals actually used to help me move it through but I can no longe eat big meals.   I take a good multivitamin as well as calcium supplements and I get my dairy everyday, so I'm getting my nutrients.   This whole subject gives new meaning to the phrase: this too shall pass.   People do not like to be constipated. If you've ever dined in a nursing home you'll find prune juice to be a very popular item. I'd need to drink a quart.   I'm finding it hard to come up with any kind of spiritual or tool for recovery meaning to apply to this topic. Constipation is just a fact of life that you have to experiment with until you get relief, whether you've had lap band or not.   About the only metaphorical meaning I can come up with is that its important to get the crap in your life out of you. You need to do what it takes to get it moving on out or you'll end up with a sluggish brain and spirit and may actually end up with an impacted brain that's stuck on the same old ideas and ways of thinking and is not capable of changing for the better. Step 6 & 7 deal with becoming ready to have God remove all our defects of character and then humbly asking him to do so.   Work the steps, pray, read your Bible, read spiritual books, talk to people who don't look like you or think like you, journal, take some risks, go on adventures, take care of yourself, peel away another layer and reveal yourself, have fun, and don't take yourself too seriously or waste time beating yourself or other people up. Love God above all and your neighbor as yourself.
 

Coping Without Food

Saturday, June 20, 2009   Coping Without Food     Today, for the first time this summer, we needed our air-conditioning. It was out of freon. We paid twice the normal rate to have someone fill it. We ran out again. We will probably need to replace the air-conditioner for which we have no money.   We also need to dig up either the inside of our basement or the outside to put in draintile. All the basement paneling needs to be thrown out. The hidden walls are a mess as is the cement floor (we threw out the linoleum.) We were flooded twice last year in August and in November. The basement reeks and is basically unusable.   My husband lost his job a year ago and just now started receiving Social Security from taking early retirement. So far that money has been taken up by emergencies like the pothole that caused major damage to the car.   I'm also making less money due to the economy.   And so it goes. We're not unique; many people are struggling. I keep having to remember to thank God for the roof over my head (even though it leaks), the clothes on my back, the shoes on my feet, and the food on my table (even though I can't eat it right now.)   And I am physically incapable of turning to food to help me get through this. I have no choice but to deal with these things without turning to food.   I'm currently on clear liquids which provide very little nourishment and which I have to sip in unbelievably small sips in order to not incur pretty severe pain going up my esophagus.   Missed going to a party today because of the pain. But I took a long walk this morning, by the forest preserve, and saw a deer (which I love as long as they're not in my yard eating my flowers. I lost a bed of lilies.)   And so it goes. Back in April I woke up with a song based on Phillipians 4:10-13.   The words are: Don't wanna be a superstar, don't need to drive a brand new car Don't need to own a mansion, or wear the latest fashion Don't wanna be a poor man, but don't need to be a rich man For I am content, no matter what my circumstance I am content, no matter what my lot I know what it means to live in want or have plenty I know the meaning of being content is That I can do all things through him who strengthens me Yes! I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
 

47 Lbs Down, 23 to Go

Sunday, September 27, 2009   47 Lbs Down, 23 to Go     My body has changed so much since the last time I weighed this much. I've totally lost my butt and now have the typical Dutch flat wide back end of a bus hind end.I also had a fat abdomen but not a tummy. Now I've got 2 rolls and the bigger one is on top My waist is thicker, my hips are thinner and so are my thighs. If it fits my waist it bags on my butt and thighs. So what suits me is not currently in the stores. LOL. But I still look better in clothes than before, and want more of them.   A week ago I went shopping. I'm in between an XL and an L. Neither looked right. The mirrors and lighting in the fitting rooms are absolutely unforgiving. My body's fat distribution has changed so much from the last time I lost weight. My upper stomach sticks out more than my abdomen, but the abdomen has the hanging skin. My thighs are thinner but unbelievably flabby and flappy. My legs are full of varicose veins. My butt has become the typical Dutch butt--wide and flat like the back end of a bus. Once upon a time my figure was hourglass. That was depressing. I left the store and didn't buy anything.   Makes me want plastic surgery but I'll never be able to afford it. And I'm scared of the pain. Sounds worse than my knee surgeries, neck surgery, and my hysterectomy combined..Gettin' old is a real bitch.   My hysterectomy 10 years ago is partially responsible for the redistribution of my weight. Pregnancies, nursing, age and weight loss have warped the rest.   I went back a few days later. Bought some XLs and hope they shrink a little when I wash them so they'll fit a while. Today I used my cash back bucks to buy a really great pair of pants. My guess is nobody my age except the very rich looks very good without their clothes. I feel like I'm starting to look good in my clothes. That's a good thing.   My goal is to reach goal by my birthday, Dec. 30. Forty-seven lbs. down, 23 to go.   In my quest to remain thin and fight my food addiction I used and did a lot of things.     Weight Watchers Dexatrim Slimfast Atkins Jenny Craig Hypnosis Thyroid with an unknown appetite suppressant Overeaters Anonymous TOPS exercising like a maniac a religious group (lasted 2 meetings, too many rules, too much talk about gluttony, figured Jesus would not have attended either) various supplements which I believe had extreme amounts of caffeine and who knows what in them.   I've lived 57 years. I don't even remember all the things I did and tried.   But I'm looking much better. 47 lbs off, 23 to go. Whoo hoo! Not there yet. This is the weight I was at the end of my pregnancies.   But my health is so much better. No more blood pressure meds or supplements. No more reflux meds since the Dr. fixed my hiatal hernia when he put in the lapband. I'm thinking soon no more cholesterol meds.   I've discovered Miralax and am no longer eating fiber like a madwoman to counteract the constipation I've suffered since a baby.   I walk 2-3 mi/day at least 5 days a week. Its the only exercise I can really do. Walk outside as much as possible to enjoy the view, fresh air and the sunshine when available. I do have a treadmill I picked up at a garage sale for $35 that I use when the weather gets bad. I can also go to the community center and walk for free on their walking track.   I have a lot more energy, which I need to keep up with the kids I teach and my grandkids. I have some issues, but with the help of the band, they're not driving me into the food.   God is good, all the time, All the time, God is good.   And I can do all things, through him who strengthens me.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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A Balanced Life and Reaching Goal

Saturday, January 30, 2010   A Balanced Life and Reaching Goal     I wanted to be a missionary Dr. when I was a kid. Or a writer. But I had this tendancy to round up all the kids (and sometimes their mothers) to play circus and kick-the-can and put on little shows (wrote plays), taught them songs to sing, played a little piano and had the mothers invite each other over for tea to watch our perfomances. Most of them closely resembled church services (without the sermons, thank God) or school programs (I went to Christian schools).   When I moved from my neighborhood after 5th grade, one of the other kid's mothers told me the other children didn't know what to do with themselves after I left. LOL.   In high school, other kids started asking me for help with their subjects. In college I gravitated towards English and history and because most woman from my background were encouraged to go into nursing or teaching (if they went to college.) I ended up teaching with some forays into public relations and fund-raising.   Although I'm certified to teach secondary English and history, I sort of fell into the tutoring field and teach supplementary math and reading from grades 1-8, at which I am very gifted. Just yesterday a mother told me her daughter always tells her, "I don't understand the math until Mrs. Flory explains it."   I think I'm a puzzle solver and I see children's learning problems as a puzzle to be solved. Where is the breakdown in understanding occuring? Is there an underlying learning disability? Are they ADHD? What method of instruction works for this child? Do they have better comprehension if they read out loud? If they wear noise-blocking headsets? How can I explain this and demonstrate it so they'll "see" it and remember it? How do I keep their attention and minimize their distractive behaviors so that they can learn? What materials would best suit this child? Is it a comprehension or a computational issue? Etc.   I really fly by the seat of my pants with a lot of this. I just get a sense of the child and leap to an intuitive understanding of what makes them tick and how best to break down the information for them. I think the fact that I love each child and establish a relationship with them also accounts for why they respond so well to my teaching.   Frankly, I'm a self-taught teacher in many ways. I've certainly never sat in a workshop or class that taught me to teach the way I teach. I do continuing ed. of course, but I like to take workshops and classes that give me practical tools that I can then modify to fit the needs of various children.   Lesson plans are guidelines that might or might not be followed. I really don't even write them anymore. I have an overall plan in my head of where I want to go and I modify it on the spot or abandon it totally if the need arises. Amazingly, it all seems to work and my kids make great progress.   I get my exercise in the mornings. I get to school early (7:15-7:30) and climb the stairs and walk the hallways and circle the gym for 30-45 minutes. I usually have a couple of kids already on the computers who are in before school care and I keep checking on them during my rounds. By 8 a.m. I'm already teaching kids who come before school and I teach an after school class till 4 and then private tutor a child till 4:35.   It's amazing how confidant I am when teaching children. I'm truly in my element. It is a stressful job, but mostly its good stress. But I do need to unwind when not teaching. At first, when I come home, after quickly cooking or putting together the meal my husband sets out, I tend to sit like a zombie in front of the TV, slowly eating my dinner. I only take in about half of what my husband says and tend to mostly grunt.   I start checking my Facebook, writing my blog, or go on lapband thread reading posts and responding, and looking up to watch TV when it interests me--and I pretty much do this till bedtime.   I do go out for choir practice one night a week and once a month I go to the school that is the vendor for my services and meet with other Discovery room teachers. We share teaching techniques and ideas as well as provide support for each other. One night a month I meet with the promotions committee for Roseland Christian School and generate ideas for raising money. I'll write some stories for them about some of the children we serve and their struggles and accomplishments.   On weekends I love walking-especially outdoors, gardening, playing with grandchildren, hot bubble baths with diet hot chocolate and a good mystery to read , singing in church, and maybe having a good long talk with one of my sisters or brothers (don't get to do that often, I should call them more.) I love to dance, did that last night a little. I need to do that more often.   Unfortunately, food has always been a big de-stresser that led to other forms of stress--like being fat and unhealthy and in pain. Living without it isn't easy. I still turn to it occasionally, but then the band gets in the way of it becoming a total foodfest.In fact, right now, I've been way into the carbs. Three colds in two months and no sun have really gotten to me. Hadn't gained but hadn't lost the last 3 lbs either. Getting a fill on Tuesday. That should kick me back into restriction.   But surprisingly, this morning when I got on the scale, I was 167 lbs. My goal. Now I did get up a few hrs later than usual and I danced last night so that might be a temporary aberration. I was surprised but I have been cutting back on the meals to make up for the carbs (read Candy).   I do know that if I keep eating candy, eventually I'll start eating more period and I'll gain the weight back. The new fill won't stop the candy. It'll slide right through. And it doesn't make me feel very good. But now that this cold is subsiding, I should do better. I've gone back to doubling my multi-vitamins and Calcium. As my weight loss slowed, and I had fewer prescription pills to take, I was only taking them at night and not in the morning. I think that's why I've gotten sick three times in a row.   But despite my set-backs, God is good. The weight is off. Surprisingly, that isn't the focus of my post. Having a relatively balanced life is the focus. Maybe the two are related. Ya think?   God is good all the time. All the time God is good.   :
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Why High Protein/Low Carb for the Band?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010   Why High Protein/Low Carb for the Band?     It is my understanding that high protein/low carb works because protein doesn't shoot your blood sugar up. It has something to do with your insulin levels. You store more food as fat if you raise your blood sugar levels. If you don't, you don't store food as fat. Your muscles burn it off instead. You can eat more and store less.   The protein stops your cravings because you haven't raised your blood sugar. It's absorbed by your system much more slowly, giving you a constant source of energy rather than a big boost and then a drop-off and its burned off more steadily by your muscles.   Also, sugary, simple carb foods like candy, cookies, potatos, white rice, bread and so on, dissolve easily and are often combined with fat so they slide through the pouch quickly leaving you hungry and craving food because your pouch is empty plus you've shot up your blood sugar which increases cravings.   Most fruit also contains simple sugars that shoot up your blood sugar, so, though better for you than refined sugars, they can only be had in very limited quantities or combined with a meal that's high in protein to keep your blood sugar level.   Protein, when not combined with a lot of sauces or moisture or carbs and other sliders, stays in your pouch making you feel full much longer. So protein works on several levels.When you eat even too many vegetables you don't leave enough room in your pouch for the protein you need to live. And veggies are carbs. Most take a little longer than sugar to break down in your system, but some, like carrots, are full of sugar. If you're not getting enough protein, your body will burn muscle instead of fat. More than anything else, your body needs protein. You will start to lose your hair and your nails if you're not getting enough while losing weight.   Fat isn't nearly as bad for you as simple carbs when you're on high protein because you don't store it. So cholesterol actually goes down for people who eat a lot of meat, including red meat. And red meat actually helps raise your good cholesterol as does exercise.Whole grains and vegetables will also digest more slowly and not shoot up your blood sugar and may have some protein or good fats in them. However, again, they take up space in your pouch and limit the room you need for protein. So limit them.   That's why bariatric surgeons insist on high protein low carb diets. They work with the metabolism and they work with the band. I'm sure others could explain the blood sugar and insulin part more clearly than I did, but that's my basic understanding. The only diets on which I lost weight and felt great were high protein low carb diets.   Now I've got the band to help me stay on that food protocol. That's why my blood sugar has improved so much. It's not just the weight lost. I'm now below the borderline range. It's not just the quantity of food. It's not just the total number of calories. You can actually eat more calories on a high protein low carb don't worry so much about the fat diet and lose more weight than on a low calorie, no fat or a low calorie but it doesn't matter what you eat diet.   Now, only really rigid people are able to maintain this diet all the time. That's why I have days where I allow myself treats. But they don't do damage as long as I limit them and as long as the majority of the time I'm following the high protein, low carb protocol.   For foods that aren't protein, if you want to know if they'll shoot your blood sugar up or not, check the glycemic index. Also, diabetics learn to keep their blood sugar stable by the way they combine foods and by eating small amounts more frequently.   Just remember, hi-fiber foods, though low on the glycemic index, fill your pouch and swell and can leave you without enough room for the protein you need. Many nuts and seeds are a perfect combination of low glycemic carb, protein, and the kinds of oil that are good for you. I eat little spoonfuls of shelled, roasted, slightly salted sunflower seeds a few times throughout the day when I'm at work. These give me a constant flow of energy without shooting up my blood sugar.   Legumes, which are low on the glycemic index, (dry beans cooked like pinto, black, chili, white, navy, etc. have protein as well as high fiber, low glycemic carbs) but are all to easy to turn into sliders because they're usually in soups or soupy, saucy mixtures so they don't keep your pouch filled. Plus the sauces are often more full of sugar than you realize. Tomatoes have a lot of sugar. So do onions. Refried beans aren't as moisturized and will stay in your pouch longer. That's why they're on the list of mushies you can start eating a couple of days after surgery.   Low-glycemic carbs are the things I'm planning on increasing in the maintenance stage. Still high protein first, but more fibrous vegetables, nuts, seeds, and legumes. I just have to remember, a little of these goes a long way, and I still have to eat protein first. Starchy foods like white potatoes, white rice, pasta, and definitely breads and pastries, crackers and any kind of chips, even if they're whole grain, are going to be very occasional treats, or just a taste with my meal.   These are all items that tend to increase cravings for carbs because they are one step away from simple sugars (you can actually taste them turning into sugar as your saliva combines with them) and they increase blood sugar.   Since my band limits portion size with protein as long as I don't turn my protein into sliders, and I know which foods to keep out of my house, avoid, or limit to occasional treats, I don't have to spend a lot of time worrying about counting calories, points, weighing or measuring, counting fat grams, or even counting carbs. That simplifies things for me and because of my ADHD I need to have a very simple food plan in order to succeed. If I find myself able to eat too much dense protein at a sitting, then I know I need a fill. Everybody's different, but knowledge is power. This is what works for me.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
 

Taking the Good with the Bad

Friday, October 9, 2009   Taking the Good with the Bad     I spent a lot of time this week feeling somewhat depressed. That's the bad news. The good news is I didn't eat. In fact I'm down to a 50 lb. weight loss. Twenty to go.   I still have some restriction, as long as I follow the food protocol. I have my protein shake in the morning, usually 3oz of tuna or chicken for lunch, and various meats and a veggie for supper. I have a Kashie bar (choc. and cherry) for a snack at night. Sometimes I have applesauce and/or a small V8 for an afternoon snack. If there's a treat at school I take a small portion.   I seem to have a special event almost every weekend and I eat 2 protein shakes that day and go ahead and eat everything at the event. I just don't pig out.   I'm walking as much as the weather permits. I'm going to have to clean off the treadmill which currently is full of cement and other dust down in our stripped to bare bones, newly drain-tiled basement. I can't say I'm looking forword to walking on it when the weather gets even worse, but it's cheap excercise.   The depression was caused by news about the financial condition of Roseland Christian School. The other teachers are depressed over the expansion of their responsibilities in order to help the school financially. The school board is depressed because previous boards allowed the mess to happen and now they have to clean it up.   I think its doable and I'm working with the promotions committee to bring in the financial support we need. The school does great work with the kids. Seven or eight blocks from the school a young man was recently beaten to death, which made a change from all the children shot to death, and therefore made the news all over the world. RCS gives kids a safe environment, an excellent education, and a Christian foundation that gives them hope and stability and a good chance to make a better life for themselves that doesn't involve violence.   I have kids who've shown me scars of bullet wounds they received as young children in drivebys. I have students who have fathers shot dead or in prison. I have students who were born crack addicted.   I have students whose parents are dead because of poverty--poor access to timely health care.   I have students whose instincts and brain development have been geared to survival, and not to academics.   I work hard to make my room a safe, loving, nurturing environment, where students can make progress academically, discover their strengths, and begin to visualize a future that goes beyond mere survival.   So do the other teachers at Roseland.   Pray for us, support us.   Tomorrow we have our final celebration of our 125th year. It's a worship service at a church near Roseland. I'm singing in the gospel choir and in a trio.   Then I'm going to my 40th high school reunion at a Christian high school a half hour's journey from where I teach. It will be like traveling from one country to another. I expect to experience culture shock walking back into my all Dutch highly traditional conservative roots.   I walk between two worlds, each with their strengths and weaknesses, not really belonging to either one of them. This makes it very difficult to form deep, lasting friendships.   This is partly caused by my ADHD, as I let slip things better left unsaid, or I avoid deep friendship in order to avoid saying things that might be hurtful or misinterpreted. I've always had to fight recurring bouts of foot-in-mouth disease.   But I will open my mouth and fight for my kids, my Roseland kids. I love them fiercely. During the time I have them, they become my kids. I pour myself into teaching them, guiding them, seeking to improve the school environment and the academic skills and materials available to all the teachers teaching them, and to use my writing and storytelling skills to help bring in fianancial support.   I don't have a whole lot of time for much else besides seeing my own chidren and grandchildren. Singing in the church choir spiritually sustains me. My husband and I try to do some fun things together that don't cost much on weekends.   But Roseland Christian School has become my cause, my passion. Please pray that I will still find myself working there next year and in the years to come.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Celebration! Fun Without Fighting Fat and Food!

Sunday, October 11, 2009   Celebration! Fun Without Fighting Fat and Food!     Went to 125th Anniversary celebration of Roseland Christian School yesterday. Sang in the gospel choir and led the congregation in a song as an alto in a women's trio. Great speaker, great music. The 5th grade girls did a praise dance that was beautiful.   I had to wear a black bottom and bright top for the choir. I wore form fitting low rise charcoal pants and a form fitting sweet-heart necked top. I couldn't believe it fit and I looked good. I had to wear an old strapless bra I never thought I'd fit in again.   Then I went straight to my 40th class reunion. Fun in a different sort of way. However, hardly anybody I ever hung out with was there. I was not exactly Miss Popularity back in high school. However, three people I'm friends with on Facebook (though I never hung out with them in high school) did come up and mention how much they enjoy my blog. One of them is having LAP-BAND®® himself in December. His wife had a band which had to be removed and now she has a sleeve. She looked great. Like me, it was only 70 lbs but it was killing her emotionally as well as physically.   I did my 2 protein shakes and nothing else so that I could eat normally at the banquet. By which I do not mean I ate the way I used to. But I ate some of everything served that I liked and went ahead and drank punch, water, and coffee while I ate, took tiny bites, and thoroughly enjoyed my food. No weight gain this morning so I must have done well. However, I will walk again today (once it warms up, brrrr) and will really watch my food as well.   I'm going to tell the Dr. on my next fill that I want it filled to point where the food squeaks on its way through. I have no desire to ever go back to the old me.   Celebration! What fun when you're not fighting fat and food!
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Life Goes On, Without the Weight

Sunday, January 17, 2010   Life Goes On, Without the Weight     I'm always surprised when someone comes up to me and compliments me on losing weight. I forget what a shock my appearance is to people, especially if they haven't seen me for a while. If they ask me how I lost the weight, I tell them about the lap band, but I always make sure they know its just a tool; I tell them if I don't eat right it won't work. In fact, if all I ate was ice cream it would slide right through and I could eat enough to gain all the weight back and then some.   I find being honest publicly helps me be honest with myself. I'm 3 lbs. from goal and slowing down on speed of weight loss. Trying to ease into maintenance. I'm scheduled for another fill Feb 2, which I can tell I'm going to need. I can eat a lot now at a sitting. Not good. Means if I do that, then I've got to really be careful for several days after in order to maintain or continue to lost. However, I can't manage a life of weighing and measuring and writing everything down. So I need the band filled to limit the quantity I can eat and then make good choices most days with occassional treat days.   One big relief is that Roseland Christian where I work is doing much better. The money has come in to keep us running despite the IRS freezing and then taking the money in our account. We are meeting all our current obligations, including to the IRS, for this year. We are working on paying past obligations, with the help of donors who believe in us. And we seem to be getting some good help in place for future fundraising.   I don't think I can tell you how much I love teaching at Roseland. I am not a textbook teacher. Probably no effective teacher is. I no longer even attempt to write lesson plans. The material I cover from year to year is basically the same. The workbooks my assistant puts together from the materials we have may come from new materials but I have kids working through them at their own pace and ability levels like before. As they finish a page I check it, reteach as necessary and have them correct it or I do it with them. They constantly circle around me and sit back down and get back to work. They love working in my classroom because they're working at their own level and pace and because my assistant and I are available to help them.   Flexibility is the key and rigid lesson plans don't work. I work through reading the same novels as in past years but the questions I ask have to be so flexible because the children's abilities are so varied and their responses are so different. I have to ask the questions in totally different ways for different children.   What worked one year might not work the next year. For example, my fifth grade class is mostly boys. They all have very poor attention spans. Boys are competitive, so everyday I split them into their teams and start with review questions on what we've read previously. Their team gets points for what they are able to answer. They hate when I stop the game to continue reading the book, but they have also really gotten into the book so they hate when the bell rings, too.   I make things up on the fly while I'm teaching that I would never think of if tied down to a detailed lesson plan. My most recent memory device is a song set to the old Mounds/Almond Joy jingle. I sing to the kids who are learning to carry or trade numbers, "Sometimes you carry the number (or 10), sometimes you don't."   Every year I get better at teaching. I get better at handling the kids and building relationships with them. This past week a fourth grade boy said while he was doing his math, "I love Mrs. Flory. I love math."   Man, that's worth all the other hassles that go with teaching. I love these kids at Roseland. I'm so connected with them. And I might not get to teach them next year. I have begun to realize what a privelege teaching these kids is.   But its all in God's hands. I believe Roseland will still be there another year. The help is coming in. That's one hurdle. Now I need to hear from Chicago Public Schools if they're still going with an outside vendor, then that vendor has to agree to subcontract with Elim who is the vendor for my services at Roseland for me to keep my job. Meanwhile I'm signing up for two graduate courses next summer. I'll only need one after that to be endorsed in Special Ed and I'll be able to keep taking Master's courses after that. Possible that I'll have my degree by the end of the following summer.   So I'm doing the footwork to continue my employment. I might become a consultant for one of the programs I use in my classroom, or I might connect with homeschoolers who have kids with learning problems. I really don't like the way special ed is handled in the public schools. These teachers seem to be testing kids, filling out paperwork, writing ieps, and sitting in meetings a lot more than they're teaching or helping the kids. That's not what I want to do. So we'll see.   God has his plans for me. He's brought me safe thus far. And whatever my future holds, I'm going into it a lot healthier and with a lot less weight to hold me back.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Its All Relative

Thursday, August 27, 2009   Its All Relative     Tonight I had my first solid food since getting my fill last Tues. I chewed my chicken to death and did moisten it with gravy. I could feel tightness when I swallowed unless I chewed tiny bites into mush and swallowed only a little at a time. A couple of times I could feel a pb trying to start (productive cough, or as I call it puke back). I wiped the extra saliva out of my mouth and waited it out before cautiously resuming eating.   In case you forgot, food can plug the stoma the band creates and stuff comes back up--especially saliva. The band feels much tighter in the morning so I'll probably do liquids tomorrow but try to eat real food again for supper.   My weight loss has started again. We also realized our blood pressure machine was wrong. We got a new one and its in line with the Dr.s now, and my blood pressure is in normal range with a lot less drugs. My husband found out his blood sugar was higher than mine. Still in the borderline range but barely. So he's cutting way back on carbs and will probably lose more weight.   It is absolutely not fair that men can lose weight so easily. My husband and I are about the same height, I may have half an inch on him, but he has a very slight build. When he gains weight its all in his tummy. The rest of him stays skinny. He also has some of the worst eating habits, barely eating during the day and then eating supper for an hour and dessert or snacks all evenings. (He has modified this because I couldn't take being around so much food all night long.)   His blood pressure and cholesterol are great. The blood sugar is the first sign that his eating habits are starting to cause him trouble. So he threw out all the carbs he had hidden in the house to eat when I'm not around.   When I met him he was a heavy smoker and barely ate except for his snacks. He was so skinny his ribs would poke me when we hugged. I was at a relatively skinny point in my life and was in top shape, walking, swimming, and working the machines at the gym. I went dancing at least once a week. I was still 20 lbs. heavier than he.   He gave up the smoking for me and turned to food and now he's giving up the food. Go Ken!   He's also been dismantling the basement, demolishing all the paneling and ceiling tiles, so that we can get a draintile moat put under the floor to eliminate our water and mold problems. Ken would be the first to admit he's not handy. So far he's stepped on three nails. Fortunately, you only need one tetanus shot. He's doing this for me, too, since I refuse to pay money to have it done. We need the money to pay for the drain tile and possibly a new roof since my current one is leaking again after two days of rain.   That'll pretty much wipe us out and we'll have to slowly redo the basement as savings permit. As long as I have a job, that is. But I can't project too far into the future. We help pay for a child in Kenya to attend school, have a mattress and a lantern to study by, school supplies, a uniform, and one meal a day.   I've walked on Mount Trashmore in the Phillipines and watched the children combing through the trash in unbelievable heat, stench, and humidity for things that could be sold to support their family. These are not people who have to worry about getting a lapband to keep them from eating too much.   Its pretty hard to complain after that. Even when we think we're living in want, we're living in plenty.   Its all relative.   I am content, no matter what my circumstance.
 

Life After Lapband

Thursday, September 10, 2009   Life After Lapband     I've been so busy!! I don't even know what to talk about. We had our school open house tonight. I had to talk a little bit about my program and introduce someone. Mostly I had to introduce our school's fall project,AOK, Acts of Kindness. Roseland Christian School is having the children do 125 acts of kindness to celebrate its 125th birthday. I also introduced it to the students at a special assembly at the end of the school day and we did a little skit. While I was talking to the kids about the project, a homeless woman (former teacher) came from behind the stage and sat down on the stairs to the stage. Of course, the children's attention was taken from me and I started asking what they were looking at when the homeless woman shook her money can. I turned around, saw her, and asked, "Who's that? What's she doing here?" I kind of shook my head and went back to explaining the Acts of Kindness when she shook her can again. This went on a little bit before I finally debated out loud about giving her my cup of coffee. Then I had a child give her my cup and then I had another child bring a dollar for her can. I finished explaining the acts of kindness and told the kids that when we help or give to others, we might be entertaining angels unawares. It was pretty cool.   I got some great complements from parents I hadn't seen a while. A former student ran into my room to give me a hug and also commented on how skinny I am. I knew I looked pretty good. I had my hair up in its Pebbles Flinstone reincarnation which is like giving myself a natural facelift. I had on blouse that shaded from pink to fucshia and a long skirt that made me look skinnier.   I've stocked my food "pantry" at school with 3 oz. peel-top cans of tuna and chicken as well as protein shakes, peel-top all-natural no-sugar added applesauce and small pop top cans of low-sodium V-8. I also found this Madras lentil and red bean soup in a pouch that you put in a bowl and heat in the microwave. Delicious. I come home not real hungry and have meat and a vegetable for supper. I eat a Kashi bar in the evening for a snack. I drink my decaf lattes throughout the day, and don't crave much. I did have a few cravings last weekend and one day this week. Not having anything in the house to pig out on really helps. I'm not willing to run to the store to get something.   For a while today I was thinking about eating this way the rest of my life and got a little nostalgic for the "good old days." But those days weren't that good. I'm just off the last of my bp meds. Gotta call the Dr. to see what the results of my chem panel were. Maybe I can get off my Crestor and just take my Niacin to help keep my good cholesterol up.   I like looking good; I like feeling good. I like climbing slides and monkey bars with my grandchildren. I like pushing them in their little cars all over the sidewalk and driveways. I like going for long walks along the edge of the forest preserve and watching the deer. I like having the energy to climb stairs at work. I like having great breath control while singing. I like being able to make it through the whole set during the church service without the front of my leg going numb.   When the food calls me I need to weigh what I've got now vs the ephemeral satisfaction of food. I can be so visionary in so many ways and a real big picture person, but with food I could never see beyond the end of my tongue. Maybe if I keep listing all the good things that have happened and give God the thanks every day, I'll be able to think outside the stomach and continue in this lapband journey.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Post-goal fears

Friday, September 11, 2009   Post-goal fears     I'm really afraid of reaching goal and starting to gain because Im no longer focused on losing. That's what happened to me every time I lost in the past. Once I really got seriously dieting I'd go into hyperfocus on the goal, something ADHD people are good at doing, but once I reached my goal that focus was gone and so was my control.   That's why I'm planning on really tight restriction and getting as much support as I can. I'm hoping to reach goal by Christmas or my birthday (DEC.30) which is all my weight loss in 7 months time, not long enough to have really adopted and adapted to permanant lifestyle change.   My fear is very real and has a basis in reality. The tales of those with WLS (weight loss surgery)who've lost and regained are legend. So I musn't minimize the danger to myself. Perhaps I'll regularly pretend I just got a fill everytime I do gain some weight and do liquids for two days. That seems to get me back on track and will probably result in the scale going down. I usually drop 2 lbs. Then I work to maintain.   I went to Navy Pier with my daughter and two grandsons after school. Took the boys on a boat ride down the Chicago River. Great fun. Tomorrow I'm in an all day praise and worship training seminar or whatever you call it. Should be singing a lot of gospel and contemporary praise songs. Sunday I'm taking care of my grandson's while my daughter runs a mini-marathon in Chicago. Think I'll take some food along tomorrow since I don't know what's being planned for meals.I can usually find something at my daughter's. She doesn't keep treats in the house either. Have a great weekend everyone.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Mixed Feelings About Christmas

Tuesday, December 22, 2009   Mixed Feelings About Christmas     Going through a divorce and changing churches and remarrying and moving really messed me and my kids all up on family holiday traditions. Haven't been able to really get anything consistant going.   I also changed jobs along with the other changes--more than once, so building friendships has been very difficult. Thus, I have few non-family parties to go to.   My husband is also a loner for the most part so haven't been able to build couple's friendships either. One friend from church left the church suddenly. Another is now working 70 hr weeks and I believe I offended her so she ignores any overtures.   I'm also in a very wierd way caught between the black world and the white world. Hanging around black people so much at work and somewhat at church has made me no longer fit the white world very well, yet I'm not fully trusted and accepted in the black one either.   Being ADHD also can get in the way of friendships. I can be too frank and impulsive in what I say and too self-revealing. Scares people away.   I used to have a lot of friends in Alanon and we did fun things together, too. But when I remarried, my new DH didn't drink and making meetings became less of a necessity.I was also in a singles group where I was developing friends and that's where I met my DH which then took me out of the singles scene.   All the things that have gone wrong with my house, as well as having DS and DDIL and baby living in my house before that really put the kabosh on entertaining, though I was part of two church community groups in a row, both of which eventually fell apart. I did have them meet at my house sometimes.   Wierdly, the work I've done on myself in Alanon and in counseling and in reading tons of self-help books, as well as the work I've done bridging the gap between black and white, and the fact that I'm a much more independant thinking and behaving woman than most church women have all combined to make me not really fit in any group and to make it hard to find issues in common with other women. I can get by superficially but I haven't made deep friendships for a long time.   I tend to avoid really needy women because they bring out my own codependency issues and I get angry at them finally for not doing what they need to do to improve their lives. Other women are so busy rescuing the needy women that they have no time for relatively healthy friendships. They let these people suck up all their time and energy. I see so much of that in women in my church.   Also, so many events revolve around food and I think I've avoided those situations in order to keep from weighing even more than I eventually did.   I'm also uncomfortable in big group social settings--and that includes family ones. I invariably stick my foot in my mouth and end up over-eating to medicate my nerves and shut my mouth. When I was a kid I would take a book and read at family events. If kids wanted to play outside or run around inside and play actively, then I participated and had a good time.   I still will frequently find a relatively quiet place and talk to the one or two people who stop by, but I often wish I'd brought a book. So many people have nothing interesting to look at or read in their houses. Or they put it all away to straighten up the house for visitors.   At my daughter's on Christmas Day there is only one room for all the adults to be in, and it'll be crowded. I think I'll play with the kids except for when we're all together opening presents.   Christmas Eve won't be so bad. My sister-in-law's house has a room or two I can wander off to and get away from the crowd for a while. They'll also have booze, and booze, sad to say, does help. However, I never have more than two drinks. I really don't like the feeling of being even the least inebriated.   I have a lot of mixed feelings about the holidays. We were so ultra-religious growing up that we spent a lot of that time in church. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning services. New Year's Eve and New Year's morning. Nobody drank at all but there was always food at family functions which occurred after church, mostly with my mom's family.   We didn't really believe in Santa, but we opened presents on Christmas Eve.So I look forward to but I also dread the holidays. I allow myself more freedom to medicate with food at parties and try to not eat the days before and after. I'm sure I'm not the only one with mixed feelings.   So I'm writing about it to acknowledge and hopefully deal with these issues at this time of year. But I mostly am concentrating on the good things.   Abe Lincoln said, "Most people are as happy as they want to be."   This holiday I'm trying to concentrate on the good things, the noble things, the pure things, the lovely things. There's a lot of brain research that shows if you want to change your life, you have to change your brain. To change your brain and create new ways of thinking you have to deliberately work on changing your thoughts. The Bible got that right 2000 years ago.   Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life

Wednesday, December 23, 2009   Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life     Watched a youtube video by Dr. Daniel Amen on changing your thoughts, changing your brain, changing your life.The latest brain research shows that if you deliberately work on changing your thought patterns (you may need counseling and, at least initially, medication to jumpstart the process), you can create new neural pathways in your brain that will supercede the negative thinking ones and will help you change your life.   Your mind is, literally, in a rut. Changing your thought patterns (what some call a paradigm shift) gets you out of the rut. That's why during a conversion experience (coming to believe in a power greater than yourself, especially one who loves you unconditionally and, for me, one who cared enough about me to become an insignificant baby born in the humblest of mangers, one who's been through everything I've experienced and can walk through it with me) people are able to make significant changes in their lives.   We all have mini-conversions and epiphanies throughout our lives. I think, for most of us, getting the band was a way to jumpstart getting out of the rut our brains have been in regarding food. I truly believe most of us were born with something different in our brains that made us prone to this particular addiction or rut. Life experiences deepened the rut until it became almost impossible to act differently when it came to food.   Thank God for the inspiration and creativity he puts in mankind that allowed for the invention of the LAP-BAND®. Now, when my mind says "Eat more!" the band interrupts that thought and says, "You can't!" Eventually, my brain will say, "I won't!" Down the road, over time, as the rut gets filled in and smoothed out by new paths, my brain will tell me less and less often, "Eat more!"   The 12 steps also work on helping to foster this paradigm shift in our brains. That's why its almost the only successful treatment for recovering from addictions. It creates that conversion experience or paradigm shift in the first three steps which have been summarized as: "I can't. He can. I'll let him." It's a system for cleaning out your old thoughts (stinkin' thinking) and behaviors and, with the help of God and other recovering people, replacing them with healthy thoughts and behaviors.   The Bible told us how to do that 2000 years ago. LOL.   Phillipians 4:8. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Back to the Womb

Sunday, June 21, 2009   Back to the Womb     The day of surgery I was hooked up to an IV which became my umbilical cord, bringing me nutrients and drugs needed to do the surgery. Now I'm a newborn baby, only able to drink in tiny quantities, not much nourishment yet, quickly filling my tiny tummy. In a couple more days, I'll be drinking richer liquids, but still only in tiny quantities. Gradually I'll be introducing soft baby food, with an emphasis on protein ground to mush. As I tolerate foods, more will be added until I'm eating grown up food--maybe I should qualify that--grown up healthy food.   Thankful I am for a Father who knew me before he formed me in my mother's womb, who knew me and the things I would stuggle with, who knew me and the things I'd be good at, and who has given me an opportunity to reprogram my body and my brain to His honor and glory.   Just like a newborn I'm prone to sharp pains in my tummy that travel up my esophagus. I have to burp up gas after each swallow to help prevent the pain. I could use someone to constantly burp me. If I overfill my tummy, I will throw up.   I am exchanging the freedom to eat what I want, as much as I want, whenever I want, for freedom from the tyranny of food addiction. As far as food is concerned, I've been reborn.   Its not a done deal. Its a process. Its one day at a time. Its letting go and letting God.   God is good--all the time. All the time--God is good.
 

Now Comes the Hard Part

Monday, June 22, 2009   Now Comes the Hard Part     So, now comes the hard part: facing the addiction. I will be around food the rest of my life. My stomach will heal and start to stretch. The adjustable band will help keep it in check but I can still choose to make less healthy food choices frequently, and overstretch the stomach.   I will be eating a relatively normal, 3 meals a day diet with a small snack or 2. I will still be assaulted by the smell, taste, texture, sight and even sound of food. I'll have to cook food. I'll have to face overflowing buffets at every party I attend. People will talk about food and recipes. They'll even post pictures of their favorite foods on Facebook and describe what they're eating, have eaten, or are going to be eating.   Oh My God Help Me! My husband and I are going to have to sit in separate rooms in the evening because he eats non-stop junk food in front of the TV. He doesn't eat all day and then he eats all night.   But night-time is also when I'm on my computer writing this blog. And I will continue to write because you never become a recovered addict; you only become a recovering one.   There's something about writing. My subconscious comes to the surface and flows through my hands while I type and it appears in print. I can verbalize things I didn't even know I was thinking and feeling. It's like my left brain and right brain get together and try to cooperate for a change.   Every once in a while I write like I'm possessed. I get into a subject--particularly if I see a problem and possible solutions start occurring to me--and ideas fly from my fingers like confetti. That's how it is with this blog right now.   This time the problem is me--dealing with food, dealing with my brain's craving for food, dealing with life without excessive food to medicate my issues.   Having an audience helps hold me accountable. Telling you my story helps me to cope, to heal, and to figure out strategies. Hopefully, it also helps you.   I believe that the Holy Spirit still can inspire written words. Written words can, in turn, inspire others. This is not Holy Scripture, but when I feel compelled to write, I always sense the presence of the Holy Spirit. That can't be a bad thing.
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