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Entries in this blog

 

Life in the Lap Band Lane

Sunday, July 5, 2009   Life in the Lap Band Lane     I'm beginning to think that the pain I get that seems to be in my neck is actually still gas in the abdominal cavity pressing on the nerve that leads up to my shoulders. Then there's swallowed air. I'm becoming an expert at swallowing a little, burping a little, swallowing a little, burping a little. Can't belch. Not enough room in the stomach for that. Then, of course, there's the feel free to fart frequently rule.   These things should all settle down--I hope. Had a caramel steamer (hot skim milk with caramel in it) tonight. It was way too sweet. I also distinctly noticed that I felt weak and breathless afterwards. Won't try that again. I've hardly had any sugar except what's in low sugar juices, which I don't drink that much, and in milk which also has protein and in 5 oz of V8. The regular protein and low sugar have got to have been keeping my blood sugar pretty stable. The caramel probably shocked my system.   I'm also keeping pretty close track on my blood pressure. I woke up two mornings in a row with high blood pressure. At least this morning I wasn't dizzy. (I made sure I took a few swallows of Kiefer before I went to bed whereas the night before I ate at 5:30 and didn't really have anything but water the rest of the night. I actually forgot to have a snack.) My right arm has definitely got much higher pressure than my left. I'm really tired of doctors but I'm going to have to go to my regular physician to deal with the blood sugar issues and the crazy blood pressure.   In the summer I also usually see the dentist, eye doctor, and have a mammogram, because I'm off school.   In everything but the food I've usually taken pretty good care of myself. I've always tried to exercise even with the weight and the arthritis. So why should I, or anyone else, feel guilty about taking care of ourselves with the life-threatening condition of obesity?   What is it about this condition and us choosing to do something proven to work that brings out the worst in some other people? And why do we listen to them and care?   Many people don't understand this disease. They don't see it as a medical condition that frequently requires a medical solution. Sometimes it seems they'd rather you died and went down fighting the disease on your own than that you get the help that could save your life and help you win the war. They are shame-based people who have to transfer that shame onto others.   The Bible boils down all the rules and regulations of life to "Love God above all and your neighbor as yourself." In Micah 6 it says, "Act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God."   So don't let others "should" on you. Don't "should" on yourself. And don't "should" on other people. But its OK to burp and fart
 

What an Idiot!

Saturday, July 25, 2009   What an Idiot!     What an idiot! I got in a minor fender bender today and got a ticket. I let myself be pressured by a honking driver who wanted me to pull out into fast-moving traffic and then swerved around me to get out of the parking lot driveway and pulled into traffic ahead of me. I followed him and hit a car he just missed. He was laughing as he pulled away. So I let an idiot turn me into one.   Loss of serenity. Letting someone else's bad behavior affect your decisions. Just a momentary lapse and...boom! No one hurt. My old car has just one more scrape but, of course, the other car was strategically hit in the right front quarter panel and the door with a scrape on the wheel cover. The mother of the young man driving the other car was understandably upset, but calmed down fairly quickly as I apologized and took responsibility.   What amazed me is how she, her son, and her daughter were all immediately on their cell phones and taking pictures with their phones as well as their handy-dandy camera. It all ended fairly amicably since I have good insurance and took responsibility.   But I'll have to go to court to get my license back. Had to call the insurance company. Felt like an idiot.   This is life. I love the serenity prayer at moments like this. It's become absorbed into my nature over the years and in an emergency I go right into that mode.   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.   I couldn't change the fact that I got in an accident or that it was my fault, so I immediately accepted that fact and my responsibility. I could speak calmly and soothingly to the distraught, angry woman, quickly apologizing, and de-escalated the situation quite rapidly so that she apologized to me. I had ignored her screaming at me to stop my car and moved it to a safer place where it wouldn't block traffic and cause another accident. She thought I was leaving the scene. Once she realized my intent, she was embarassed.   Afterwards, I did not go home and eat.   Acceptance and serenity. Two major tools of recovery. I couldn't go back and change what happened, though I surely wish I could have. I didn't dwell on it. I had the courage to admit I was at fault and to change the atmosphere. I had the wisdom to know that I had to act to move my car right away and explain later.   Honesty is another huge tool of the program. "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it!" Step 10 of the 12 steps.   I also made amends which is Step 9. In fact, by having a current license and carrying good insurance, I was prepared to make amends in just such a situation.   Now I did call the reckless driver a bad name--something to do with a donkey's hind end, but realized that would get me nowhere and I needed to take care of my business.   And I did. And I didn't eat.   God is good all the time! All the time God is good!
 

Eating Resentment

Tuesday, August 18, 2009   Eating Resentment     Resentments. Everyone has them. Sometimes they fester and turn into an infection. They can poison your mind, poison your outlook, poison your whole life. I have mine, but one of the blessings of being ADHD for me is being unable to carry a memory long enough to build a resentment. Usually.   I can almost always see the pitiful, miserable motivations of the people trying to hurt or undermine or control me or a situation. Those, I think, are the things that tick me off the most--put-downs, sabotage, and attempted mind or behavior control.   Generally I let go of that anger, except when, because of a relationship of some sort--relative, co-worker, friend--that person makes a regular habit of it. Over time, though I may have trouble recalling specific incidents during good times, if that person does something again, the anger that comes up triggers my memories and the new resentment gets piled on the old. I have to say that I don't keep friends who hurt me. Relatives and co-workers aren't so easy to get rid of.   Even then I tend to practice the philosophy, "Leave them alone and they'll come home, dragging their tails behind them." (Sorry, Bopeep)   However, repeated stupidity, bad decisions, or actions that impact how I live my life, things that can't be fixed by "I'm sorry!" are some of my worst resentments. A lot of times there's nothing I can do to change what happened. It just seems so unfair that I have to live with the consequences of another's bad choices.   When those choices turn out to be a pattern, then I could kick myself for not acting sooner to confront the pattern of behavior or for not taking back responsibility for what's been mismanaged before it ended up causing so much damage. I trusted where I shouldn't, ignored warning signs because I hate confrontation, and I didn't take my power back before major damage occurred.   These are resentments that I practice letting go, but I do it like you drop a yo-yo and let it spin on the end of it's string. Should that person behave in that way again, I can yank that yo-yo right back up into my hand and feel that resentment all over again.   I hate confrontation and generally avoid it at all cost. I'm not good at it either and am seldom able to really get down to the nitty-gritty and and hold a mirror up to that person so that they see for themselves the trouble they've caused. That's because I'm not God. I just want to, and sometimes do, yell at the person. Then, of course, instead of looking at themselves and maybe changing at a core level, they get mad at me and feel self-righteous. Or I say very little and my anger comes out in time by being mean over little things. Or I just avoid being around that person unless there's a lot of other people around to cushion me from them.   Normally, I'm able to talk about other's problems and tend to freely over-give advice like a food sample server at Costco--except when I've been hurt. Then I can't seem to find words to tell that person how much I've been hurt or how angry I am about that person's actions or words. I pretend that it made no impact.   That's not all bad. I pull up my big girl panties and start repairing the damages and getting my life back on track. I don't get mired down in recriminations.     The fact is that life is a much better teacher of lessons than I am. Sometimes I'm able to speak up and say what needs to be said. But its not my gift. What seems to work for me is praying for that person. I pray that God will teach them the lessons they need to learn--that they will develop insight into themselves and see what changes they need to make or actions they need to take. I pray the same for me. That can be a very scary prayer because you never know how God will do that.   In the past, internalizing that anger at people I love would drive me into the food. I ate my resentments. And they didn't taste good or digest easily. To use an old saying, "It sticks in your craw."   Until God unties my tongue and gives me wisdom in "carefronting" people, I find that praying for them works a lot better than eating. I'm seeing changes in people without my input. When I keep silent about an issue and don't give feedback or advice, or tell someone that I have no idea what to say or do, or I change the subject, that person is left to deal with it him or herself. I give them no target to attack.   When I was in Alanon, a sponsor taught me the resentment prayer. I had to say 3x in a row, 3x/day, "God bless (?) twice as much as me and grant him/her health, happiness and prosperity." I often then went on and prayed the Aaronic blessing on them: God bless you and keep you and make his face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you, and give you his peace (not exact wording but that's ok.)   The fact is, the people I resent may have caused harm to me, but I have caused harm to them with my resentments, and more than that, I've caused harm to myself. I forgive them, not for their sake, but for my own. In forgiving them I make amends to them but also to myself. I want God to bless me and keep me and cause his face to shine upon me and be gracious to me and grant me his peace. Resentment just gets in the way.
 

Food Addiction and Sensory Issues

Friday, July 17, 2009   Food Addiction and Sensory Issues     After I wrote yesterday's blog I started thinking about my strong preferences for spicy food and strong aversion to green peppers (not to mention raw carrots and celery.) I remember a few years back there was some buzz in the dieting community about controlling weight through scents or little drops of flavoring. Can't remember which it was but a drop was either tasted or sniffed and that was supposed to satisfy cravings.   I suspect that method backfired and sent many testees with food addiction racing to the nearest grocery store. The product never made it to the diet shelves, but I think that there may be some merit to the idea that food addicts have more sensitive taste buds.   I wondered if the fact that I crave certain tastes, smells, and textures was somehow related to being ADHD. ADHD can be closely related to sensory integration issues in people. People with sensory issues often find some things too overwhelming for their senses while craving sensory input in other areas. Their senses aren't balanced. When they crave sensory input they may try parachuting or some other highly stimulating and risky behavior. Other times they may find the presense of a lot of people and commotion overwhelming and need to get totally away from it.   I can relate to both sides of that. I love singing on praise teams, acting in skits and am quite comfortable talking with a mike in front of large groups of people. Something in me turns on. I like to hold people's attention and it's partly what makes me an effective teacher. Being on stage stimulates me, but being in a big crowd of people (unless I'm outdoors) can overwhelm me. I start feeling claustrophobic and need to get out of there. I'll go home after talking all day and listening to kids talk and then I go home and don't even want my poor husband to talk to me. I'm in recovery mode.   So it does not surprise me that I'm full of strong likes and dislikes when it comes to food. I now enjoy fish but the smell used to make me avoid it. I don't like the texture of larger shrimp, but I now eat baby shrimp. I have recently started liking nutty whole grain breads, so my tastes are changing or my sensory needs are diminishing.   I don't think you'll ever see me substituting carrots or celery for crunchy snacks. I'd rather just do without the crunchy snacks. In fact, you won't hardly every see me eating raw vegetables. I much prefer them cooked. And if you're going to cook them, cook them long enough to be able to get a fork in them. I hate it when my fork bounces off the cooked vegetables. I mean, why did anyone bother turning on the stove?   I'm watching the salt now because of my blood pressure but I think dieticians absolutely have it wrong when they say cook it without salt and add the salt later. If you don't cook with the salt the flavor doesn't get into the food and you end up adding more and more salt to try to get it there.   So where am I going with this? I think it could be that people with strong food cravings may be seeking sensory input. They may eat the things they know they're supposed to eat but then they go looking for the food they really were craving and don't stop eating it until that sensory issue is met. Diets fail because diet food doesn't provide the sensory input food addicts crave, and they frequently try to force food addicts to eat food they abhor just because its "good for them"   I'm glad I've got the band because if I get carried away be a craving, the band will tell me when I've satisfied the craving and give my brain time to catch up and acknowledge it. I believe it takes the brain 20 minutes to recognize satiety which is why people can continue eating even after being full. My band won't let me do that, especiallly if I'm filling it with protein first.   So what do I do about the sensory issues? I think excersize can be a big part of meeting those needs. Currently my arthitis is limiting me to walking, but at least its summer and I can walk outside and get the extra stimulation provided by the elements of sun, fresh air, green plants and trees, flowers, and nice scenery.   Playing games on Facebook at night, checking the lapbandtalk website, and blogging give me mental stimulation and keep my hands busy. I may have to invest in a Wii. I think I could get into that.   With our economic situation I'm pretty much reduced to what I can do at home or visiting grandchildren, but, as grandma, I don't have to clean their house or cook their food or do their laundry. I can go out and sit in the sandbox and build sand castles or take them for a walk to the park or to visit the "neigh-neighs" (horses.) I can wade in the pool with them and get into water fights. I can help them blow bubbles. I can get all the hugs and kisses I want. Talk about sensory input.   And let's not forget singing and dancing before the Lord. I can always do more of that.
 

To Lose or not to Lose, That is the Question

Wednesday, November 4, 2009     My grandson, Josh, is doing a little better today. Still in pain and very cranky. I just hope he hasn't given himself the start of some major neck problems.   I had a good food day and walked very briskly for an hour again. I lost my Halloween weight but I've been struggling with that 2 or 3 lbs for awhile. I found it really hard to get back on my food protocol this time. I had a lot of sugar and chocolate for a few days--less than in the past but it still probably whacked out my insulin because the cravings have been bad.   In addition people are hinting that my weight is now about just right for my build and age. I'm 183 lbs., 5'9", 57 yrs old. I'm looking really good. I feel great. I've upped the intensity of my walkout. Can't believe how fast I can walk now and how much ground I can cover.   My Dr. suggested 170 lbs as my goal. I settled on 167 lbs because that's exactly 70 lbs. off. It's very tempting to stop losing now. I'm thin enough to look good in my clothes and I'll never look good without them so I'm suddenly not sure I want to keep losing weight. However, every lb. off is more weight off my back and hips and knees and feet.   I still struggle with arthritis. I have to sit a long time after a walk and I never stop really hurting. It's better and I'm moving much more freely, but I'd like to be even free-er. Hanging upside down on my inversion table helps.   I miss the sun. I can see the sunlight from m window during the day but by the time I leave the school the sun is gone. I'm still able to walk outside but I'm not looking forward to moving indoors. My treadmill is in my stinky basement and walking round and round a track at the community center doesn't offer much of a view. Being outside exercising helps me so much with both depression and ADHD which helps me deal with the food. Indoor exercise is just not the same.   Ah well. I'll survive.   I've lost this much weight before but I've always gained it back. Eventually, the thought of trying to lose weight, only to face the prospect of gaining it all back was so discouraging I didn't even want to try. I'm getting close to the maintenance point. I'd like to make it a sticking point. In the past I didn't have the band as a tool. Now I do.   The part of my brain that's missing when it comes to knowing when to stop eating now has the assistance of my band.   Thank God for my band. Eating triggers my addiction, yet I have to eat to live. For whatever reason, God has chosen not to take away this thorn in the flesh. But he has allowed me to acquire a tool in my battle.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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October--Tricks and Treats

Saturday, October 31, 2009   October--Tricks and Treats     Halloween. Tricks and treats. My daughter had a party for a few couples before they and their kids all went trick or treating. My husband and I also attended. I came early to take my grandson David to his indoor soccer game first. David has just turned 5 and just still makes this age group for soccer. He stands a head taller than everyone else. Hysterical. David kicking the ball the wrong way. David, laying down and refusing to get up. David wanting to leave to get a drink of water in the middle of the game--which I could tell by his cheeks he really needed. David refusing to leave the floor when it was his turn to sit out. David looking everywhere but at the ball. David pushing the other kids.   David is mildly autistic and I'm sure most parents had no idea why this big tall kid was being such a pain. I had to walk out onto the floor several times to say to him quietly that he might not get to go trick or treating. Last year my daughter had the coaches permission to stay on the floor with him all the time.   He needs the exposure to these situations and the exercise is good for him, but you could just see the processing delays on verbal instructions. Poor kid.   However, when he got home his friends came over and then he got to be "Octopus Prime" (aka Optimus Prime from Transformers) and go trick or treating.   He handled being with his friends and trick or treating just fine. But the number of people and the noise level and activity of the soccer game were too much for him.   His "Octopus" Prime reminded me of a kindergartner I heard singing at school Friday (to the tune of Michael Jackson's Thriller) "Gorilla! Gorilla night!" Picture Gorillas dancing like the zombies in the video.   I have to admit I ate several small chocolate candy bars at my daughter's. She had a lot of slider appetizers and I ate some of that without putting it on crackers or tortilla chips and didn't pig out. But I couldn't resist the chocolate bars. I haven't had chocolate bars in months.   I'm glad Halloween is over. Next big temptation--Thanksgiving. I have several weeks to recover from October, which contained a 125th Anniversary celebration for Roseland Christian School where I teach, a 40th high school reunion, my college's 50th anniversary celebration at Navy Pier in downtown Chicago, 2 two-day conferences, 2 retreats, David's 5th birthday party at Chucky Cheese, and Halloween. I'm happy and consider it somewhat of a miracle to have lost 4 lbs this past month.   My fill seems to work well to limit all foods except slider foods. So hopefully November will be mostly slider free.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Obsession Lurks

Friday, June 26, 2009   Obsession Lurks     I thoroughly enjoyed eating chicken today at my grandson's birthday party. (I also thoroughly enjoyed the party and playing with my grandkids.) I was careful to chew each piece to mush before swallowing and to avoid drinking liquids for half an hour before and after. I also had a little hummus, which, like the refried beans I'm allowed to have, is fairly high protein. If I could have eaten more, I would. The taste was amazing and I enjoyed each bite. The temptation to keep eating, however slowly, however uncomfortable I was, was unbelievable. I was grateful for my new stomach which did the weighing and measuring for me, and for the knowledge that I'd be in pain and would throw up if I kept eating.   Some of the food nazis I met in Overeater's Anonymous are convinced that sugar is behind food addiction. Sugar and carbs--particularly simple carbs. Shoot your blood sugar up and you shoot up your cravings. Eliminate all sugar from your diet and you'll eliminate the cravings. They search for carbs in everything they might eat like gold miners panning for gold. Well, I was doing pure protein with the chicken and I've been on high protein for a couple of weeks and my addiction was triggered by a non-carb. It was the taste, smell and sight of food I really love.   Does it help to greatly reduce simple sugars? Sure. Does it eliminate the cravings? No. Only God can do that since they have not yet come up with a really effective medical solution, and it seems he prefers I continue to struggle.   So the choice is: do I go through the struggle with him or without him? Do I allow the struggle to draw me closer to him and make me more dependant on him? Do I continue to be transparent and honest about this struggle in this blog or do I fudge over these issues and be a Polyanna Chrsitian?   I learned to work a 12 step program in Alanon and OA and it always comes back to the first 3 steps.   1. Admitted I was powerless over (whatever your obsession may be) and its making my life unmanageable.   2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.   3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power.   One day at a time, one minute at a time, one swallow at a time, one bite at a time
 

Evidence of God's Sense of Humor--ADHD

Saturday, July 11, 2009   Evidence of God's Sense of Humor--ADHD     The connection between ADHD and compulsive eating is something I've been noticing in myself for some time. I've never actually read a study directly connecting them, but ADHD in women is known to cause depression and low self-esteem since it often affects our ability to keep up with things that are automatically expected of women--like neat, clean houses, organized schedules (for the whole family), doing all the shopping, following recipes, etc. We spend a lot of time trying to be good at things we're not good at, and trying to fit the mold (which nobody really does-but we don't even come close.) Eating has always helped me concentrate and focus and sit still.   Maybe there is a study out there that shows a relationship. I found one article that mentioned it but I mislaid it. LOL. One of the strongest markers of ADHD in women is disorganization and an inability to stay on task. (Although some people actually overcompensate and become rigidly organized because otherwise the world is too overwhelming.) ADHD people tend to be more right-brained and creative.   I read Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Effective People 2 or 3 times, attended training in 7 Habits of Effective Organizations, andhad a Covey/Franklin Dayplanner, which I was continually searching for and forgetting to write stuff in. I can tell you what people need to do to act organized and I can fool people into thinking that I am organized (temporarily) but it didn't change the way I was made. I make lists and lose them. I go to the store with a list, check things off, and still come home without something on the list. I don't do recipes with more than 3 ingredients. I cook by the seat of my pants.   I've come up with many compensating techniques that have helped me survive. Food, especially chocolate, is one of them. Chocolate, of course, is full of caffeine. People with ADHD frequently self-medicate with caffeine. They are also more prone to self-medicate with alcohol, tobacco, and certain drugs. So why shouldn't food be one of the "drugs?" Chocolate is also known to produce seratonin in the brain and therefore is a natural antidepressant. Like we need one more excuse to eat it. But food and chocolate helped me survive. I think I should be grateful for them even though I now have to move past them.   The high protein low carb nature of the food recommedations for bandsters works very well with my ADHD. I'm supposed to pick protein first and then veggies and fruit and if there's still room I can have a little bit of of carbs like potatoes, noodles, rice, etc. I keep Atkins high protein shakes on hand if I don't feel like cooking or if I feel like my stomach really doesn't want solid protein right now which, first thing in the morning, it tends to reject.   My stomach definitely does the weighing and measuring for me on the protein, especially if I don't drink for 30 minutes before, or during, or for 30 minutes after the meal. I am quickly full and have little room for anything else. I put a variety of proteins in my home so I don't get bored with my food choices. I'm not a huge veggie and fruit eater but I have V8 and diet V8 Splash as part of my 64 oz of liquid and I get my dairy in my two 20 oz. iced decaf lattes with 1% milk and Splenda. I sip one all morning and one all afternoon, and the milk seems to keep me from getting hungry. I have a very skinny straw that only allows me to sip, so I'm not gulping my liquids or finishing them fast. I have sugar free low-fat pudding snacks for at night if I'm hungry, and low-fat Mexican cheeze to make the proteins taste better. These help toward my dairy, too.   I don't make potatoes, rice, or noodles and so am not tempted. If I'm eating somewhere other than at home I may allow myself a little--after I've eaten protein.   I may try a taste of this or that treat at a party, just to not feel deprived but then I go into another room away from the food and stay there.   This is actually a pretty simple diet. It doesn't involve any planning or writing down my food. It doesn't involve weighing or measuring portions. It works with my ADHD instead of against it and I'm not walking around feeling guilty for not being able to do all those other techniques just like I was not able to use a planner.   I'm walking at least 45 minutes a day which helps control my ADHD as well as my appetite. At night I write my blog which is really helping me to not eat at a time when I used to eat treats non-stop. It's also helping me to explore the reasons I eat. Putting it down on paper is really helping me deal with and eliminate the cravings.   Writing has always been a way to get what's stuck inside me, ideas, feelings, etc. out where I can deal with them. I've said before that ideas flow out my fingers like confetti when I'm composing. Its like my creative, feeling, flight of ideas right brain cooperates instead of fights with my language centered, logical left brain to create amazingly (to me) well-written organized articles.   I'm learning to love this crazy complex lady who alternates between being a ditz and being competent, sticking my foot in my mouth and moving people to tears, letting myself be controlled by other people and overcontrolling others, hubris and self-contempt.   It is so amazing that God loves me, that he gave me the the gift of ADHD with all its attendant problems and joys. He also gives me the tools to survive and even thrive. ADHD people are frequently huge brainstormers and creative problem solvers. We are the best solvers of the problems our ADHD creates. Such irony. God has a sense of humor.
 

Christians and Closets

Wednesday, June 17, 2009   Christians and Closets     Surgery is tomorrow, Thursday. I have to be at the hospital at 8:30. I had confirmation today that I'm having this surgery in the nick of time. My pre-op blood tests came back and showed I'd moved from borderline diabetic to diabetic. That makes 3 co-morbidities. Lord I am tired of this disease!   It is amazing to me that Christians don't talk about food addiction and obesity. It's not like we can't see it. We may be in the closet about it but our stomach's are sticking right out of the closet for all the world to see. Some of the highest rates of obesity (as well as depression) among women exist in the Bible Belt of the South.   Shame, I'm sure, is the biggest reason we don't talk about it. We confuse food addiction with gluttony. But most of us who are food addicts have been battling it all our lives. We don't want this addiction. Nobody says when they're little, "I wanna be a fat food addict when I grow up." But we continue to eat even when we know its killing us. We stop for a while, lose some weight, and then the cravings and compulsions return more powerful than ever. And shame over our lack of control, shame over what we perceive as a lack of faith, or of obedience to the Word, drives us even deeper into the food.   Pastors don't preach about it because they'd lose some of their very best workers. We, the food addicts, help everyone else as "good" Christians, frequently negating ourselves, and then help ourselves to more food because it makes us feel better. We eat to medicate depression, and in my case, to medicate ADHD as well. It satisfies something in our brains and that enables us to keep functioning and keep from falling apart.   We don't seek medical help for what we now know is a medical condition because somehow that would make us bad Christians. So we stay in our closets and keep our mouths closed.   This blog is my way of coming out of the closet about my food addiction and the terrible toll its taken on me and on my family. Come out of the closet people and lets talk.
 

Half Way There!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009   Half Way There!     I've reached the halfway point! Whoo-hoo!   Thirty-five pounds lost. Thirty-five to go. People are starting to notice. The ones who know I've had lapband often seem hesitant to say something. Others seem puzzled. I've also been growing my hair out and its quite long. So they don't always know what's different about me or what to choose to comment on. Plus, people are no longer sure whether its OK to comment on someone's weight. Complementing someone on losing means they were too heavy before. I enjoy watching people's faces and seeing their dilemma over what to say if anything.   For a while, it was like the fatter I got, the shorter I cut my hair. Now its long enough to put into a Pebbles Flintstone pony tail. All I need is a bone. That was definitely not a cute look when I was heavier, but I kind of like it now. It gives me an instant facelift. Its also cool on these hot days. When its down around my shoulders and framing my face it feels like a soft cloud. I love my hair right now.   Found an outfit in my closet from a few years ago that I hung on to that fits me right now. Kind of Hawaiian. I wore it to a meeting with some coworkers who haven't seen me since May. It was fun to wear something I haven't been able to wear for several years.   I've been looking for clothes at thrift stores to supplement some of my older clothes. I have no intention of spending much money on clothes that might not fit for long. I don't like to shop very much and searching through racks and racks of poorly organized clothes drives me a little crazy, but it sure saves me money.   I did go to one store that's run by mostly Dutch people. Now there, I think they measure the clothes to get the size if its missing, all sizes are in the right place, clearly marked, and you could eat off the floors.   I like reinventing myself. This is just exterior stuff. Its like playing dress up. New body, new clothes, new hair.   Changing the inside, that's a little more work. But I'm doing it. My health is better. I'm off 3 1/2 scripts and 2 supplements. My neck is giving me less trouble. I'm sleeping better.   I'd also say that I've really been dealing with all the issues behind the eating. Guilt, shame, resentment, codependency, ADHD/ADD, emotional eating. Complex issues that all affect compulsive eating.   But today was for celebrating. For counting my blessings. For thanking God for 35 pounds lost and getting half way to goal. Yea God. Yea Cheri. Hip, hip, hooray.
 

Small Victories

Sunday, July 12, 2009   Small Victories     My tummy is no longer sticking out farther than my boobs. That's when I stand straight and look down. I can now see my feet when I'm walking without craining my neck--not yet when I'm standing straight, but when I'm walking. When I'm sleeping I can shift my body without having to wake up to do it. I'm in my "skinny" fat clothes. I was developing sleep apnea. I'm no longer snorting myself awake. I can cross my knees. On the Dr.'s charts I'm no longer obese, I'm overweight. And that motorcyclist today was definitely checking me out. Victories are marked in many ways.   Officially I've lost 24 lbs. since I began this journey, as much as carrying my 1 yr. old grandchild. I think about what that means for my lower back and my knees. I had developed a kind of waddle where I sort of rocked from side to side as I walked, especially when I first stood up. I was hoping my fake knees would last 15-20 years before needing replacement but they were starting to bother me. They're already doing better.   The other day I sat on the side of a foot high sandbox in order to make sand castles with my grandkids. I was able to stand straight up from that position. That's a pretty low crouch for a 5'9" woman with fake knees.   Little things. Things thinner people take for granted. Why do some people think we would wantonly and willingly give up these things in order to gorge ourselves on food? We lost them little by little, inch by inch, mouthful by mouthful.   We battle food on a daily basis. We battle for our lives on a daily basis--sometimes each minute of every day. Some battles we win, some we lose. I'm winning these little battles right now. My lap band and my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, are helping. I'm going to celebrate each victory.   My stomach only sticks out as far as my boobs. Hallelujah!
 

Dancing!

Saturday, October 3, 2009   Dancing!     I danced for an hour and a half last night and barely sat down! I didn't get winded either. I'm sore but my joints held together, my muscles had no problems, and I breathed easily. I'm 2 lbs away from a 50 lb weight loss. I've got 22 lbs to go. I'm amazed at how much the weight loss has already accomplished.   Last night was great. I attended the 50th anniversary of Trinity Christian College held in the Grand Ballroom of Navy Pier in downtown Chicago--one of my favorite places in Chicago.   I wore the designer winter pantsuit I got married in 10 years ago come February. Let's call it vintage. The suitcoat is very uniquely styled, very clean, modern, elegant, shoulder pads, nipped in at the waist, draped long over the hips, wide leg pants, and its a dusty pale rose or pink. Stood out like a sore thumb in a room of mostly black-clad middle-aged and elderly women. Lacy, subdued print, boxy jackets, or shawls, over black or dark dresses. Most of the college age girls wore shortened length, halter top, shiny, former(maybe) bridesmaids dresses in dark greens and golds and purples.   But I felt great in my suit. I looked great in my suit. I sang in a combo alumni and student choir, I ate delicious food (for which I'd prepared by having only 2 protein shakes that day), I greeted a lot of people I hadn't seen for a while, I saw a great 10 minute fireworks display shivering outside on the pier in the unseasonably cold weather, and danced my heart out with my huband.   This coming Saturday I'll be attending my 40th high school reunion. I don't think anyone I actually hung out with will be there but I'm going anyway. Can't say I really fit in in high school among any of the groups. So it should be interesting. I can't believe its been 40 years. I was only 17 years old, one of the youngest in my class. I was just coming into my own as a senior, but I really blossomed in college at Trinity. Being a little different was an asset. My off-beat way of looking at things gave me a perspective the professors appreciated. I was in top physical shape, my hair was down to my waist (like Cher who was big at the time). I performed in plays, enjoyed intramural sports, stayed up late in the dorm, went home weekends with my laundry, which my mother (bless her heart) did.   Various boys were definitely showing an interest in me but my former husband had kind of cut me out of the crowd before I ever got to Trinity. We were not exclusive but he had a tendancy to be hanging around when other boys took me to informal events on campus. I had dated a little in high school when I became a lifeguard during the summers. Public school boys appreciated me a whole lot more than the boys from my own Christian high school.   But I never did get much chance to experience the whole teenage dating thing. After my divorce, when I started going to a Christian "Helpmates" singles group, I had some of that experience but in my late 40's. I had a blast having men hanging around me and dancing with all of them. I had lost weight after the divorce and my hysterectomy and was looking quite good. In fact, I was down to my current goal weight. Then, once again, I got cut out of the crowd by my current husband, whom I met on the dance floor.   Onc thing about being free from men. I seemed to better be able to ignore food and have fun and stay in shape. Something about being tied down, even willingly, by another human being--and I think that includes my children, is not healthy for me. I stop taking care of myself when I start taking care of others. I am mildly claustrophobic. I need physical space where I live. I love being outdoors walking where I want. I love dancing where I can physically release and shed all confinement. I suspect this is related to my ADHD.   I work in a culture very different from the one I was raised in. I feel much more free to be myself there than when I'm with the more rigid, highly conservative, tradition based Dutch Christian community I was raised in. I attend a church that's multi-cultural that's much less rigid in its worship as well as its preaching and general attitude. I feel like I can breathe there.   Sometimes I think I encased myself in fat in order to help me remain and survive in confining situations. It will be interesting to see how I do without the fat. My personality tends to leak out more strongly and I'm less likely to keep my opinions to myself. I get a little more boisterous and make people laugh but also step on more toes.   Hopefully, maturity will take the place of fat in giving me judgement. I want the freedom to be myself but I don't want trouble either. I'll make mistakes, say the wrong thing, apologize and hope people don't hold grudges and give me the benefit of the doubt, since my intentions are never to hurt anyone.   I think it was Abe Lincoln who said that most people are as happy as they want to be. I'm choosing happiness. Being myself makes me happy. Not letting other's ideas of who I should be dictate my behavior and cause me to eat makes me happy. I want to dance inside even when I can't dance outside.   Bit by bit, I'm becoming more and more the person God meant me to be. Somedays more than others. I'm planning on having a good time at my reunion, just like I had at the Trinity event last night. I'm planning on being me, dancing on the inside.
 

Goodbye, Food

:crying:Wednesday, June 10, 2009   Goodbye, food     Last night I said goodbye to food--forever. Well, not quite. But I did have to start on a low-carb, liquid diet in preparation for lap band surgery, which, the Lord willing, will happen next Thursday. Its been a long journey. I began the official process a year ago, when I'd had enough with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, borderline diabetes and constant pain from osteo-arthritis. I jumped through a lot of insurance hoops and tests to get to this point. I prayed for healing from my food cravings and I still do. Everyday is a battle with the desire to eat and eat and eat. Over time, the food has won. And I battle with what I think other people will think. How they, especially Christians, will judge me.   I've only told a few people about the surgery. Now I'm letting the world know. I believe its important for my recovery that I not hide this in a corner. Whether anyone reads this or not isn't important. My food cravings won't go away just because I can't eat much. Journaling has always helped me cope during tough times. I'm hoping it will help now, and that maybe it will help others.   A verse came to me in church last Sunday that confirmed my decision. Jesus said it in Matthew 5:29. "If your eye offends you, pluck it out." Its better to go without the eye or the hand that causes you to sin, than to keep it and endure hell (my interpretation). Hence the name of my blog: If Your Stomach Offends You, Tie It Off. It's better to go through life without much of a stomach than to live in the despair and physical destruction caused by food addiction.
 

Balance--Eat When You're Hungry, Stop When You're Full

Tuesday, July 7, 2009   Balance--Eat When You're Hungry, Stop When You're Full     I love the internet. One of the sites I visited was the official homepage of a 12-step group called Eating Disorders Anonymous. I've copied some of their guidelines here because some of the 12-step programs and church programs for compulsive eaters have turned into highly restrictive, food plan obsessed, weight obsessed, rule obsessed places. I've made the comment that they have not freed themselves from food obsession at all. Having read more about anorexia and bulimia, I believe they've merely traded labels for their disorder. Even after lapband its still easy to stay stuck in that mentality. I see it in a lot of posts.   Now, this program (EDA's)makes more sense to me.   Our primary purpose is to recover from our eating disorders and to carry this message of recovery to others with eating disorders. In EDA, we try to focus on the solution, not the problem. Solutions have to do with recognizing life choices and making them responsibly. Diets and weight management techniques do not solve our thinking problems. EDA endorses sound nutrition and discourages any form of rigidity around food. ** Balance – not abstinence -- is our goal. ** In EDA, recovery means living without obsessing on food, weight and body image. In our eating disorders, we sometimes felt like helpless victims. Recovery means gaining or regaining the power to see our options, to make careful choices in our lives. Recovery means rebuilding trust with ourselves, a gradual process that requires much motivation and support. As we learn and practice careful self-honesty, self-care and self-expression, we gain authenticity, perspective, peace and empowerment.   There are no EDA meetings near me but I would go if there were. Instead of abstinance (which you can't do anyway since we have to eat), the focus is balance. For anorexics and bulemics, diets and weight management techniques, rigidity around food, including rigid restrictions and food plans, are recognized as part of the disease, not a cure for them.   For those of us with compulsive eating disorders who do not purge (except when in our dieting phase--the diet being the purge) lap band surgery is a tool we use to achieve balance. Once I get to my lap band fill I won't be restricted from any food, I'll just have to be careful with some that don't work well with the new tummy. The lap band will do the weighing and measuring for me leaving me free to not obsess over food. I would like to be able to occassionally have a treat without it triggering old unhealthy thinking (like guilt) and cravings that will lead me back into the food.   I don't want my time being spent on food plans and obsessing over my next meal. In fact, with my ADHD, I'm pretty incapable of that anyway. Tonight I looked in the cabinet and decided I wanted salmon. There was no low-fat mayo which I'm not that fond of, but I saw some spinach dip, not low-fat but good fats. I mixed that in, put in some tomato and basil pesto, and chopped some green olives into it. I couldn't eat a whole lot of it because it was so filling, but it tasted great. My husband polished off what I couldn't eat, which was most of it. So, no food plan, no obsessing about supper, just look and see what's there that puts protein first and make it taste good. I'm doing so well, I actually have to force myself to eat more between meals in order to get enough dairy, fruit, and veggies and even enough protein. I'm just not hungry.   I have developed a bit of an internet obsession for exploring websites related to the disease, but that's because its summer and I'm not working. It's also related to my ADHD. I'll get passionately interested in a subject and fill my mind with all kinds of info about it, relay that info to people to whom it would solve a problem or be helpful, and then, eventually, my active interest fades. But this is a life-long problem, so I'll probably always keep abreast of the latest thinking on the subject-especially if its helpful to me.   It's about balance and allowing the pendulum to swing back. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.   All things in moderation was what Paul said in the New Testament. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.
 

A Great Weekend

Saturday, August 29, 2009   A Great Weekend     My husband and I went to the Taste of Greece today. The weather was perfect. Not hot at all. Sweater weather with a jacket for evening. We ate some interesting food (spanokopita, saganaki, chicken kabob, gelato) listened to some Greek music, and watched some Greek dancing and a belly dancer. She was not skinny and she was not young but she looked great. All her plumper areas were in the right places and jiggled nicely. She was very graceful and the dance was not overtly sexual. Fun.   The circle dances that those with Greek heritage (and a few without) danced were fun to watch and I loved seeing the Greek costumed dancers do their thing. We also saw the Jesse White tumblers. What a treat. Those kids just flew through the air and wowed the crowd.   It was just plain fun. We were going to stay home and do nothing but then I found out this was happening and we decided to go, spur of the moment.   Its so important to incorporate fun stuff into your life. Spontaneous or planned, it sure beats staying home and smelling the mold drifting up from your basement.   Last night I went to a Tastefully Simple party. I knew there would be some former colleagues attending as well as a few current colleagues. I wanted to connect rather than stay home another Friday night and watch lint grow in my navel. Well, I don't actually do that, but sometimes it feels that way.   So both times I had some food outside my food protocol, but I did not overeat. The band is not meant to keep me from participating in life, and good food is part of life. Its just meant to stop me from going overboard and it did its job.   Meanwhile, my blood pressure continues to drop and I was so excited to wear this really cute pair of jeans I picked up at a thrift store a month ago when they were still too tight for me. Now they're just right. I haven't worn flattering jeans for such a long time. I had a really pretty lavender sweater (that matched the flowers on the jeans) that I picked up at a resale shop a couple of weeks ago--a never worn Ralph Lauren.   Tomorrow morning I'm subbing on a praise team at our church. I haven't hardly sung all summer at church and I was so happy to be asked to sing. I'm probably going to get to sing tenor instead of alto, at least on some songs, and that's exciting, too.   I've been hibernating most of the summer, doing a few fun things here and there but limited by my surgery and getting my food protocol established and, of course, having very limited funds with every extra dollar being spent on getting my basement fixed.   This is just a great weekend.   Last night there was an incident that could have sabotaged some of it, but I spoke up for myself and salvaged a good night's sleep. I had been awakened by neighbors playing loud music and talking and laughing loudly at 4 a.m. in the morning. This house has been empty for over a year but it was recently purchased and the buyer has his kids rehabbing the place. Well, one of the kids decided to have a party. I debated what to do and finally decided to put on my housecoat and flipflops and talk to them. It took a lot of pounding on the door before they even heard me.   Fortunately, the girl was quite embarrassed for waking me up and grateful I hadn't called the police. She immediately turned the music off and made everyone shut up. Maybe they all went home. Anyway, I was able to go back to sleep and, for the first time in a long time, I actually was able to sleep in on a Saturday morning. I had taken extended relief Tylenol the night before in addition to my anti-inflammatory and slept and woke up without pain for a change.   If I hadn't taken the Tylenol, even though the kids had quieted down, I would have had trouble getting back to sleep because by then it was almost 5 a.m. and that's when the discomfort normally starts waking me up.   So I get to sing praise to God tomorrow morning early (7:45 a.m. practice) but I should still be well rested. My blog post is finished and I can go to bed on time. Its only 10:30 p.m. instead of 12 midnight, which is when I usually finished posting all summer long.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
 

Progress Isn't Just Measured in Pounds Lost.

Saturday, August 1, 2009   Progress Isn't Just Measured in Pounds Lost.     In 12-step programs there is a saying: Progress not Perfection. I wrote in response to a comment on a post: Progress isn't just measured in pounds lost. I came home late last night and tried to write my blog but couldn't. I kept falling asleep. I reread what I wrote and thank God I didn't publish the post. I could not get my thoughts together.   Part of what threw me was that I wasn't yet able to write about having had a chocolate malt while I was out with my husband. Intellectually, I don't believe there was anything wrong with that. It was a conscious choice on my part to allow myself a treat. But the subconscious fear was also there, waiting to sabotage me. Will this trigger me to start eating a lot of carbs again?   There are a lot of so-called experts out there who believe that carbs, especially simple carbs like sugar, trigger binges. They may be right. But a freshly made turkey or a spit-roasted chicken can do the same to me and according to the gurus, protein isn't supposed to do that. So was the malt the healthiest choice I could have made? No. Was it a bad choice? No. What's going to make me binge? The malt or the guilt? I vote guilt.   Today, I am right back on my protocol. I may eat a little less to make up for yesterday's extra calories. I may not. I am one of those "get a phone call may travel" kinds of people. Some days I have an idea what I'm going to do for lunch and supper, other days I don't. I always leave myself open to possibilities.   So is progress not ever having a chocolate malt? Or is progress making it a conscious choice to have a treat and then getting right back on my food protocol? Is progress pretending I didn't have that chocolate malt or going ahead and writing about it and working through the issues it brought up?   I think you know where my vote lies.   All things in moderation is a very Biblical concept. Do I want to flaunt that chocolate malt and lead others astray who might not be able to handle it? No. I would not flaunt alcohol in front of an alcoholic either. What's right for me is not right for everyone. We learn the difference through trial and error.   Let me tell you. I see so many people beating themselves up for gaining a lb., not reaching a certain BMI, falling off their food protocol, losing too slowly. I think they would be better off keeping a progress journal with entries like: My stomach doesn't stick out farther than my boobs. I can sleep on my stomach. I'm not snorting myself awake. I can cross my legs now. I can walk for over an hour. I had a treat and got right back to my food protocol. I didn't binge. Good for me!   I've said this before in an early blog: Don't "should" on yourself. Don't "should" on others. Don't let other people "should" on you (don't internalize their criticisms.) Or, as the Bible says, "Judge not that ye be not judged."
 

Relatives--Help or Hindrance

Sunday, July 19, 2009   Relatives--Help or Hindrance     My husband threw out all his night-time treats. Just because he loves me. Pretty cool. I let him know I was struggling with the treats he kept in the house and frequently ate in the evenings while we watched TV and played on our computers. In fact, I was just thinking about the ice cream in the freezer and, oops!, remembered Ken threw it out. Thank God. Thank you, Ken.   This disease is not fair to him. It's not fair that his choices impact me way beyond what they should. He can eat ice cream and then let it sit untouched for weeks. He had a taste for yellow cupcakes with chocolate frosting and decided to make them himself, ate a couple, and let the rest sit. For him, no big deal. For me, unbearable temptation.   I know they're there. Knowing makes them pop into my mind over and over. I have to reject eating them over and over and over. Taking care of myself by being honest with my husband was important for me to do. It's part of working on being less people-pleasing when its to my detriment. It is entirely to his credit that he chose to get rid of the snacks and not to eat snacks at night in front of me. He wants to be with me. It was his main reason for giving up smoking when he married me. He couldn't smoke around me and he wanted to be with me.   He'll probably still keep some treats hidden and eat them when I'm not around. That's fine. Out of sight, out of mind. If I don't know its there it won't be on my mind, either. Chances are Ken'll lose some weight, too, which wouldn't be a bad thing.   Night-time has always been my most difficult time. Food has always helped me wind down. Some people drink alcohol. I eat food--it puts me into a kind of carbohydrate coma. Those carbs generally come with fat attached. Perfect recipe for slowly but surely putting on the weight.   So many factors in eating disorders. It's such a complex disease. Relatives can help or they can hinder. Ideally, we shouldn't need the cooperation of our relatives. We're asking them to be codependent. But we also need to take care of ourselves. There are people who would deliberately sabotage those they profess to love. There are those relatives with the same addiction who have a vested interest in keeping you the same and not letting you change. There are those who don't know addiction at all and urge you to eat--they made it special just for you, it doesn't hurt to have a little once in a while, etc. There are also those who would never humble themselves and give up their right to eat what they want when they want it and might actually insist that buy those things yourself and keep them in the house for them.   With these people you need to have heavy-duty boundaries and perhaps actually keep them at a safe distance or even totally out of your life. I'm blessed that my husband is supportive. I'm blessed that he reads my blog because he wants to know me better and understand what I'm going through.   He's a little angry at having to change his lifestyle to accommodate my disease and he's entitled to be. But we talk about it. We're no longer ignoring the elephant (my eating disorder not me) in the room. I may get to the point where he can go back to eating snacks in front of me and keeping my favorites in the house, but not right now. Not with the reduced restriction I'm experiencing while waiting for my first fill.   Once again, weight loss surgery is a tool, not a solution. If I don't take care of myself in my relationships, it won't be as helpful.
 

Life After Lapband

Thursday, September 10, 2009   Life After Lapband     I've been so busy!! I don't even know what to talk about. We had our school open house tonight. I had to talk a little bit about my program and introduce someone. Mostly I had to introduce our school's fall project,AOK, Acts of Kindness. Roseland Christian School is having the children do 125 acts of kindness to celebrate its 125th birthday. I also introduced it to the students at a special assembly at the end of the school day and we did a little skit. While I was talking to the kids about the project, a homeless woman (former teacher) came from behind the stage and sat down on the stairs to the stage. Of course, the children's attention was taken from me and I started asking what they were looking at when the homeless woman shook her money can. I turned around, saw her, and asked, "Who's that? What's she doing here?" I kind of shook my head and went back to explaining the Acts of Kindness when she shook her can again. This went on a little bit before I finally debated out loud about giving her my cup of coffee. Then I had a child give her my cup and then I had another child bring a dollar for her can. I finished explaining the acts of kindness and told the kids that when we help or give to others, we might be entertaining angels unawares. It was pretty cool.   I got some great complements from parents I hadn't seen a while. A former student ran into my room to give me a hug and also commented on how skinny I am. I knew I looked pretty good. I had my hair up in its Pebbles Flinstone reincarnation which is like giving myself a natural facelift. I had on blouse that shaded from pink to fucshia and a long skirt that made me look skinnier.   I've stocked my food "pantry" at school with 3 oz. peel-top cans of tuna and chicken as well as protein shakes, peel-top all-natural no-sugar added applesauce and small pop top cans of low-sodium V-8. I also found this Madras lentil and red bean soup in a pouch that you put in a bowl and heat in the microwave. Delicious. I come home not real hungry and have meat and a vegetable for supper. I eat a Kashi bar in the evening for a snack. I drink my decaf lattes throughout the day, and don't crave much. I did have a few cravings last weekend and one day this week. Not having anything in the house to pig out on really helps. I'm not willing to run to the store to get something.   For a while today I was thinking about eating this way the rest of my life and got a little nostalgic for the "good old days." But those days weren't that good. I'm just off the last of my bp meds. Gotta call the Dr. to see what the results of my chem panel were. Maybe I can get off my Crestor and just take my Niacin to help keep my good cholesterol up.   I like looking good; I like feeling good. I like climbing slides and monkey bars with my grandchildren. I like pushing them in their little cars all over the sidewalk and driveways. I like going for long walks along the edge of the forest preserve and watching the deer. I like having the energy to climb stairs at work. I like having great breath control while singing. I like being able to make it through the whole set during the church service without the front of my leg going numb.   When the food calls me I need to weigh what I've got now vs the ephemeral satisfaction of food. I can be so visionary in so many ways and a real big picture person, but with food I could never see beyond the end of my tongue. Maybe if I keep listing all the good things that have happened and give God the thanks every day, I'll be able to think outside the stomach and continue in this lapband journey.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Just Write It

Wednesday, July 22, 2009   Just Write It     "Life is a journey, look for the smilemarkers along the way." Man, I need to get that copywrited. That's a bumper sticker in the making. That sentence popped into my head as I was finishing my blog late last night when I could barely see to finish the post. It became the title.   I really do love writing this blog. Even though I'm a pretty good writer I tend to put off writing things that I've committed to writing until the last minute. Procrastination. I've heard that procrastinators are frustrated perfectionists who put things off to the last minute in order to give themselves permission to do a less than perfect job.   Personally, I find that I can't concentrate enough to write until I'm up against a deadline. In the case of this blog, I start it when its really time to go to bed. By the time I'm finished I can barely see the page. I also can't stop writing until the ideas stop coming, another reason why I may be afraid to start. I'm always amazed when I'm done to find that its relatively coherent.   Often I just start with whatever pops into my head and keep going. When I'm done I re-read it and realize there's usually a theme. My brain organizes things without me even realizing it.   Still trying to figure out what the theme of this blog is. Or what it has to do with food addiction and lapband surgery.   Just musing on the whole writing process and the way creativity happens. Sometimes ideas pop into my head while I'm walking. Sometimes they're inspired by events of the day. Sometimes ideas that have been percolating in my subconscious for a long time finally rise to the top. Once I start writing about it I can't stop. If I'm passionate about a subject things particularly seem to flow. I'm passionate about food addiction and its effects on me and others.   Having the self-imposed discipline of posting everyday has made me more mindful of the events of the day, the thoughts going through my head, what's important that I need to talk about that others might appreciate.   Although each of these posts is written as a stand alone piece with some references to earlier posts, they are all connected. I'm tracing the history and issues of my addiction that come up while I record the information about where I am in my lapband journey. If I tried to write all this as a pre-planned book, it would never happen. But I've posted at least 40 times. Each post could almost be a chapter in a book. I've never believed I could ever write a book, but, in essence, that's what I'm doing.   I'm also able to really be myself while I'm writing this. You pretty much know the worst about me and you read me anyway. Some of you have written me or told me that you love how I'm unselfconscious, that I've moved you to tears, that you're praying for me, that I'm funny, that I'm inspiring. Mostly, I'm trying to be honest. Life is funny and life hurts.   Everybody secretly desires to by known by someone else. To have the protective outer layers peeled away and the real person emerge where they can love and receive love not just inspite of but because of their peccadillos and insecurities. Its a real risk to put yourself out there in public. Most of us aren't too successful revealing ourselves even to our families. In fact, families can be the least safe place for that kind of revelation.   I hope that those of you who struggle with similar issues (and who really doesn't? Mine is the human condition.) find your own voice and safe people with whom you can use it.   AA's fifth step states, "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being (usually a sponsor) the exact nature of our wrongs," or maybe we should say admitted our exact nature.   If you're one of those honored with the peeled away self-revelations of another human being, be aware. You are holding something fragile and beautiful and quite perishable. Handle with care.
 

Arthritis set-back

Wednesday, July 1, 2009   Arthritis set-back     I had to go back on my NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) yesterday. My neck (on which I had major surgery 9 years ago) has been giving me increasing trouble as the NSAIDs anti-inflammatory effects have completely worn off. I went off the drugs in preparation for surgery 3 weeks ago. I was hoping to stay off them since part of my goal is to reduce the number of my medications, but I am full of osteo-arthritis that, though exascerbated by extra weight, is not necessarily caused by it-especially the spinal arthritis and two herniated discs in my neck (unless I've got or am a real fat head, which is possible.)   I cleaned something I shouldn't have and I've been having increasing pulsing nerve pain. I also have damage in my shoulder on that side from a fall last winter. Not being a martyr, I've gone back on the drugs and am feeling better. I don't want to have to go through the MRI, physical therapy that never works, and inevitable epidural shots. Someday I may have to have the neck fused (they took out a lot of bone but did not fuse it 9 years ago.) I'm usually very careful how I use my neck (my husband does most of the cleaning) because it is so easily irritated.   This kind of pain if it persists has a history of sending me spiralling into depression and into the food. I used to be relatively athletic and very active, a loss that I re-grieve with each new episode; and as the arthritis has grown, so has the weight. The weight, in turn, makes the arthritis worse. The arthritis has made it difficult to control my ADHD with excercise. Swimming, which used to be my best excercise and activity, irritates my neck if I do it very much. I can no longer swing my arms when walking because of the pain it causes in my neck. I have to be very careful with dancing as well, which I also love and seldom do.   I've had double knee replacements and shoulder repair (to remove a big spur and repair torn rotator cuff) in addition to the neck surgery. Both my knees and my shoulder started giving me trouble already as a teenager when I was not at all overweight. The weight definitely accelerated the deterioration of the knees.   So, now I have to deal with this flare-up without using food to help numb the physical and emotional pain that loss of mobility and pain always causes me.   Please pray with me that the pain will subside and that I'll be able to avoid the whole medical scenario I've had to go through too many times in the past. Please pray that I'll be able to deal with the loss of mobility without craving the food. Please pray that the weight loss will make a difference in my pain level because the neck is not the only part of my body that has really started hurting as the NSAIDs left my system. I'm not yet back on my fish oil capsules which I think also helped. Swallowing pills and filling my tiny tummy with them is still difficult and painful. It's disappointing and sad for me to have to go back on these drugs. That means I can't go off my stomach pill either. For now. But with God, all things are possible.
 

Dance More!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009   Dance More!     I was watching Big Momma's House 2 today and just burst out laughing at the antics of Big Momma; Big Momma landing in the mud bath splashing mud all over the beautiful women in the spa; Big Momma running down the beach in her tight yellow swim suit; Big Momma teaching the kids to dance and swing their butts.   Yes it was fake fat, but there was no shame, no hiding it, no refusal to participate in life because of the fat. Remember when Women's shows and magazine articles always promoted dark clothes for "full-figured" women in order to look slim? No bright colors, no horizontal stripes, no bold patterns. I remember a stong hint for me to not wear yellow on stage. Not only do many people prefer that we fade into the background, they also prefer that we not draw attention to ourselves in behavioral ways either. Exuberance draws attention to your fat.   Many of us refuse to live like that. But we know people who do. People who won't go swimming in public, who girdle themselves to death trying to contain the uncontainable, who always wear black. Others of us won't let ourselves be so limited.   In fact, I bounce around so much when I'm singing praise music (I've never been able to stand still if there's a beat) in church that I got an anonymous note from someone suggesting I go out and buy better foundational garments. Actually, that was the second note. The first note implied that with all my "jumping around back there and lifting my arms" I was keeping people from being able to see the other singers. I'm in a multicultural church and all the African-American women on my Gospel praise team just started laughing when I read them the notes. One told me to dance more. Obviously "Anonymous" was white and uptight.   I love colors and textures and bold jewelry. I try to dress with flare and flattery. Other than winter pants, I only have a few items that are black. And I still "jump around" and clap and raise my arms when singing. My husband and I will go to fests to listen to various bands, and we're usually the first ones (and sometimes only ones) to get up and dance. We do the same at weddings and we usually don't even drink. We do a pretty good hustle. We're also the first ones on the floor for the electric or cha-cha slides.   This is pretty amazing considering I come from a Dutch Christian Reformed church background. Some of them didn't even believe in dancing in wooden shoes. When those from my generation do dance, they tend to look like they're dancing in wooden shoes. Rythym is not their strong suite. Singing hymns in harmony is.   Once I lose this weight, I want to dance more. Get some more lessons. I'm always physically in pain afterwards (and sometimes before) from my arthritis, but I save my Vicodin from my surgeries (which I hardly use) for dancing.   God meant for life to be celebrated. I hope you dance--more!
 

Back to the Womb

Sunday, June 21, 2009   Back to the Womb     The day of surgery I was hooked up to an IV which became my umbilical cord, bringing me nutrients and drugs needed to do the surgery. Now I'm a newborn baby, only able to drink in tiny quantities, not much nourishment yet, quickly filling my tiny tummy. In a couple more days, I'll be drinking richer liquids, but still only in tiny quantities. Gradually I'll be introducing soft baby food, with an emphasis on protein ground to mush. As I tolerate foods, more will be added until I'm eating grown up food--maybe I should qualify that--grown up healthy food.   Thankful I am for a Father who knew me before he formed me in my mother's womb, who knew me and the things I would stuggle with, who knew me and the things I'd be good at, and who has given me an opportunity to reprogram my body and my brain to His honor and glory.   Just like a newborn I'm prone to sharp pains in my tummy that travel up my esophagus. I have to burp up gas after each swallow to help prevent the pain. I could use someone to constantly burp me. If I overfill my tummy, I will throw up.   I am exchanging the freedom to eat what I want, as much as I want, whenever I want, for freedom from the tyranny of food addiction. As far as food is concerned, I've been reborn.   Its not a done deal. Its a process. Its one day at a time. Its letting go and letting God.   God is good--all the time. All the time--God is good.
 

Making a Difference-Why I Got Banded.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009   Making a Difference-Why I Got Banded.     I love having restriction. After a few bites, which I tend to go just a little too fast with because I'm hungry, I feel constriction with some pain. My hint to slow down and eat tiny, well-chewed bites. So I eat a little, wait for a burp, eat a little, wait for a burp. Eventually I get the hiccups, and I wait for them to pass. Now the food is cold. I've begun to lose my taste for it. It's been over 20 minutes since I started to eat so my brain is starting to register fullness. I take another small bite just to see if I want anymore. I have totally lost interest.   I've lost a few more lbs., 38. This morning I hit onederland (when you're under 200 and are in the one hundreds you are in onederland.) I'll officially announce it tomorrow if the scale tells me this was not an aberration. I am down to 1 blood pressure med, 1 cholesterol med, and my anti-inflammatory.   I've been climbing all kinds of steps at the school throughout the day without even thinking about it. Not winded at all. So many advantages to not being able to eat.   School is going well. I'm slowly increasing the number of children I see. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my assistant for two days a week.   Let me tell you the story of one of my former students. Graduated last spring. Came from a difficult home situation. Raised by a foster mother in her 70's who slowly went blind and handicapped from diabetes. Number of other foster kids in family. Foster mom died when he was in 7th grade. One of her relatives took him in, thank God.   Got a request from him to be my friend on facebook. Went to his profile page. Most of his friends so far are former RCS teachers and classmates.   We were one of the most stable parts of his life for most of his young life. That's why I see so many kids at RCS. Many of the chidren I see year after year after year. I build a relationship with them. They don't care about my weight, they just care that I'm there.   Losing the weight makes me more available for them. Please pray that I'll be able to keep working with these kids. Roseland Christian is where my heart is, where my passion lies.   Today we had an unplanned fire drill. I was outside with 2 of my students when the fourth grade class came out. I see a majority of the children from that class. They mobbed me. Almost knocked me over as they all tried to hug me at once.   I love my job.
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ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Look for the Smilemarkers

Tuesday, July 21, 2009   Look for the Smilemarkers     A sliver of moon was showing in the sky the other day while I was playing outside with my grandson, David (4yrs). As usual he wanted to know why. I told him the moon wanted to play with him. Later he was drinking chocolate milk on the front porch and said, "The moon is drinking chocolate milk. He has a chocolate milk mustache."   I love it when a four year old can use his imagination and make a joke. I love it when a four year old accidentally amuses me. David was riding in the van with his dad when he announced, "I want my crocs (sandals)." His dad stopped the car and asked him what he was wearing on his feet. David replied in all seriousness, "Dad, I'm wearing my toes."   Children and laughter go hand in hand. I love being a grandmother and not having to do much of anything when I babysit but enjoy the kids. My two year old granddaughter loves to play hide and seek in her house. She always hides in her closet and she always tells me she's going to hide in her closet. When I try to go home she frequently tells me I'm hungry and I need to eat in order to keep me there. LOL. She already knows my weakness.   There's a lot of evidence that laughter is good medicine. The Reader's Digest knew that before there were studies proving it.   I use a lot of silly humor when I teach. To teach the ang sound I have a picture-card of a vampire with fangs showing. I'll put on my best Transylvanian accent, make my hands into claws, and say," I vant to bite your neck; I vish to suck your blood." The kids all shriek and laugh and are more likely to remember that ang makes the sound you hear in fang.   I have a game that involves tossing a soft ball back and forth between me and a group of kids while saying math facts. I love to watch for the kid who stops paying attention and I'll look at another child while throwing the ball at the daydreamer who frequently gets hit by the ball which cracks everyone up and serves notice to pay attention.   Today I was on Lapbandtalk, which has become my on-line support group and one of the women told a hysterically funny dream she'd had about another member of the group. Can't repeat it here because it involved partial nudity and showing off a well-shaped body part. Jokes were still flying hours later when I checked back in.   Some of the best and funniest speakers I ever heard were recovering alcoholics telling their stories at open AA meetings. Some of the things they did and the situations they got themselves into were, in retrospect, hysterically funny. Without the humor, they'd have been too painful to tell. The funniest stories I tell on myself involve my ADHD and some of the things I've done as a result.   Humor makes pain palatable. I'm not talking about sarcasm or angry ranting expletive deleted humor. Frankly, I don't consider that humor because it tends to be at other's expense. I'm talking about self-deprecating humor. Humor that gently pokes fun at the human condition but doesn't denigrate others.   One of the funniest stories my deceased mother-in-law told involved driving off to work with her teeth on top of the car. One of the funniest stories my son tells is what happened when he tied our 6 month old 75 lb. Chesapeake Bay Retriever to a lightweight charcoal grill in my parent's driveway. Thank God for the passing motorist who chased down the dog and stopped him before the grill chasing the dog down the street caused the dog to drop dead of a heart attack.   These stories and jokes we tell each other can only happen in community. We weren't created to live in isolation. And I firmly believe that God laughs with us. We're created in his image and he loves us with all our foibles so he must have quite a sense of humor. Humor is his gift to us, a gracelet that allows us to be refreshed, renewed, re-created and ready for the next thing life throws at us.   So, even though food addiction is a serious disease, I try not to take myself too seriously. Life is a journey. Look for the smilemarkers along the way.
 

Tell Your Story

Friday, July 24, 2009   Tell Your Story     I was in a restaurant today. I didn't think I'd been experiencing much restriction but I ate bread for the first time (other than a bite or two in the past.) Pita bread with goat cheese, tomato, olive and hummus. Also had a little spanakopita. I bp'd (productive burped, not British Petroleum)into a raised flower bed facing the street (we were seated outdoors) very discreetly. Yuck, yuck, yuck. The nutritionist was right when she said bread can expand in your stomach. I was eating slowly and chewing well and still bp'd. On a good note, my husband and I chewed up the sidewalk in downtown Chicago. I was able to walk and walk and walk. (Think about the initial letters in pita bread. Now reverse them and what do they spell?)   It was good to know that I still have some restriction, but not the nicest way to find out. I sat on the edge of the flower bed with my back to the restaurant and I think the only person who noticed was a motorist whose car was stopped right in front of me. I made sure not to look at her, till she was driving off. She had a very stange smile on her face.   Humor is such an important part of recovery. I told two Christian counselors the name of my blog and they both burst into laughter. Humor lends perspective and keeps us from taking ourselves too seriously. If you've ever been cornered by someone with serious issues who has no sense of humor and who takes every opportunity or topic in a conversation to relate a boring, deadly serious anecdote about themselves, you know exactly what I mean.   Telling our stories is also an important tool in recovery. And you have to tell the bad stuff, too, or the story's not complete and is not believable. If you can do it with a light touch, all the better. But there are some things that happen to us that are totally not funny. That's when we need to convey the emotion and the pain.   I think about people I know and love who were sexually abused. There is absolutely no way to make the telling of that funny. Yet I've seen women smile as they relate the story and minimize its impact on them. Their smiles are closer to grimaces, but they don't know that. I know women who are so damaged by what was done to them (especially with severe, long-term abuse) that they'll never be able to be in a normal healthy relationship or function optimally in the workplace--even after years of counseling and drug therapy.   Many women with eating disorders were sexually abused as children. That doesn't mean that all women with eating disorders were abused, nor do all women who were abused develop eating disorders. I was not abused. But a number of women who were, chose to tell me their stories. Sometimes I've been the first person they've ever told. For them, telling their stories is crucial. Each time they tell another person and are not shamed or rejected for telling, they get closer to healing. Keeping the secret has torn them apart internally. I think women have told me their stories because they sense I am a safe person to tell. All I can do is listen, and that's what I do. I don't tell others. Most of these stories cannot be for public consumption. Sometimes, after a person has told me, they'll find ways to avoid me. The fact that I know their secret is just too uncomfortable for them. But it broke the ice. It will be easier for them to tell the next person.   Everybody has a story to tell. Telling it helps the teller and the listener. When we who are Christians tell our stories, we tell of God's love for us and his grace in walking through the worst experiences with us. Whatever was done to us, was done to him. Whenever we suffer, he suffers. When we laugh, he laughs with us. His is the greatest story ever told, yet he'll listen to our story and hang on every word.   Tell your story.
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