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just me

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One Year Out

One year gone and took 87 pounds with it. Yupeee!!! I'm happy and sad. Happy that I feel good and have not had any complications. I feel energized with alot more self esteem and do feel like my life is in a new phase. Sad, because my goal was to loose 100 pounds in one year. It's getting much more harder now. I've caugt myself going into old bad habits. I feel like my body continues to fight me. Hunger is also against me. It's harder to loose the pounds. I stay in a range of 10 pounds. Loose 4 one week then two weeks later those same 4 or 5 are back. I have now decided to take things to another level. I enjoy walking and have put some jogging into my excercise. But feel I need the advice and encouragement of a physcial trainer. I have now looked into that and plan on starting soon. Mentally, there's been alot of confusion and alot of emotions. There's alot of ups and downs. Alot of my history has come out, for some reason. I need to continue seeing my pyschologist, who had previously warned me that many things in my head would awaken and I would have to face them. I trust that with his help and GODs presence I will work thru this. :smile2:
epogi

epogi

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fight it

Just looked at my weight journal. Lost only 10 pounds since last year. Alot of occasions have thrown me off of my path. I need to learn to stay on track and focus on my eating during special days. I easily see them as opportunities to get out of my health eating. Almost like treats that I deserve to splurge. But so many special days/occasions have really set me back. I made an appointed with Dr. T for a fill. But having second thoughts about it. I already feel the tightness when I eat beef or chicken. I'm afraid of ending up with too tight of a band and it being so uncomfortable. But my hunger has been incredible. I'm thinking about it constantly and planning my next meal. I've increased my excercise. I have decided to give it my whole and best effort to drop some pounds before my 1st year anniversary. Yet, I feel my body is working against me. Sometimes I wonder why. Why does it have to fight me now, just when I thought I was on a roll. Right before hitting my first year end. I'm going home to TX the first week of July. That will be my biggest appearance of my weight loss life. The new me. But now with this pause, I have to push it. Work extrememly hard. FIGHT THE BATTLE TO THE END. :thumbdown: 311/231/170
epogi

epogi

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i'm back

It's my favorite month of May. I eventually did get my 3rd fill and doing good. The bad news is that my weight hasn't changed that much. My body is changing alot. How is that? My newest clothes in size 20 is starting to fit loose. I think my body is trying to catch up. My energy level is awesome. I go up and down stairs without SOB. I love my yoga. I walk at work 15-20 mins. At home 20-30 mins. I love all the new energy. I get boy attention. I am alot more involved in things than before. Sometimes the days seem too short to do everything I want to do. I continue to enjoy my tuna. My hair continues to thin out. My tummy is shrinking. I can now feel some bones. I can reach my back. I can polish my little toe nails. Even music sounds better. I'm very happy to be back on track to healthier new me. A bit more emotional than ever before, but learning through every phase of this journey. Thank you Lord for being with me. :crying:   311/230/170
epogi

epogi

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To fill or not to fill?

:confused:It's Feb and my weight has not continued to drop. I have been at 239/240 for the past 4 weeks. I believe it's time for a fill. I had planned on staying away from a fill as long as I could. I wanted to try it on my own. Last one was end of Nov. I had increased my excercise and kept good eating habits, but something is not working. My meals are larger. I am very hungry before it's time to eat. I do snack. On fruits. And intake as much water as possible. My routine at work has changed and maybe that has affected me. Like taking 15 min power walks, no longer there. And doing my yoga twice a week at work, slowing declining. But I thought that since I have increased my jogging, that I would be ok. Nope. I have 29 pounds to loose to meet my BIG goal. I have to be 211 by my Band anniversary date of July 13th. That would be 100 pounds lighter in one year! About 7 lbs per month need to shed off. I DO need a fill. I will make a call soon. Why have the band and not get it filled? :thumbup: H-311/C-340/G-170
epogi

epogi

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entering the new year

I'm past my first holidays with the band. It was a good experience, especially being back home to El Paso surrounded by memories of old habits. I loved the way it prevents me from overeating. I learned I can overcome the site of large amounts of food. And tasting my favorite things will statisfy the strong wants. I had a large amount of family support who understood what I was facing. Before flying back to texas I had lost 5 pounds. I was feeling awesome. Plus I had starting running. Me running? I should clarify that: Jogging. I have enjoyed walking on my treadmill. I get these little moments of anxiety where I feel I need to do something, so I go on the treadmill. With my music blasting I end up doing being 30-40 mins. Music helps me alot. Especially my parents and grandparents old mexican music. It gives me so much encouragement. Coming back home to Vegas I knew my muscles were weak. I did feel tired. I had gained 4 pounds. Even my yoga class was a bit difficult. But I knew that working out would get me back on track. And that's where I find myself. I have craved chips. My mind keeps thinking about them. chips, chips, chips. They're coming back to haunt me. I did treat myself with the traditional holiday foods. Like tamales, champurrado, menudo, bunuelos, biscochos, chile con queso and a few candies. All in moderation. Like telling my body. Here, have a little, you are not starving or being deprived of everything. I have increased my water intake. It had gotten really bad. I was so used to my regular routine at work and home. I need to shorten my vacations. Just for now, till I reach a controllable stage. :eek: H-311/C-244/G-170
epogi

epogi

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over the big Thanksgiving

It's been over a month without going into my journal. So here's my update: Finally had my second fill. Under flouro. Doc tried at the office, but not succesful. Then cancelled my next appointment at the hospital because of an emergency surgery he had to do. Finally got it done Nov. 14th. Felt good. Noticed harder time with chicken. I just have to chew alot more. Thanksgiving. Sort of glad that's over with. Visiting my brother in Dallas. Overate that day and ended up in pain. Experienced my first throw up with the band. Too much turkey felt stuck; not going thru. I tried drinking sips of water and made it worse. Became nauseous and threw up a little. Then everything was ok. Went on shopping and continued with light foods. I don't want to do that Again. I felt like I hurt myself. My stomach was a bit sensitive after that. Also wonder if I stretched my pouch? My first holidays. I will have to take it easy and slow. Learn. After my little 4 day vacation, I'm putting myself back on track. I have continued with tuna. Love that stuff. I have continued my walking. Enjoying. Forcing the water in. Mainly at work. It's easier. I noticed that I lose my weight with excercise. The harder I work the faster it comes off. And not one pound at a time. It comes off in groups. 3 - 5 pounds at once. I'll stay at a certain weight for several weeks then all of a sudden a big drop. (big for me it seems) I love that feeling. H-311 C-243 G-170
epogi

epogi

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it moved ! ....finally

Getting ready to head back home to EP next week. Already traveling? I feel up to it. I have energy, I'm flexable and my mind seems to be clearing up. I'm able to think a lot better at work now. Things also seem to be happier. I feel like a fresh onion after a few layers have been lifted off. I'm able to walk pretty good. Once I get started, I don't want to stop. The music pushes me to work harder. I can jog, maybe for about 3 mins. I love it. It makes me feel free. I can walk 40 mins. Plus incline 2%. I have really gotten into my yoga class. I look forward to breathing. Another, sensation of release and freedom. I go in this coming Monday for my second fill. I get very hungry between meals. I was afraid of confronting Dr. Teng before today. I had stayed at 255 for close to 4 weeks. So what I did, I increased my protein and exercise. Just yesterday I lost 4 lbs. I hope I'm over my plateu. I didn't like that. I got a bit worried that I was doing something wrong. Exercise really works. Plus patience is something I will have to deal with too. My hair continues to fall off. I havent cut it. But I want to. There are areas where I can see my scalp, more and more. My nails don't grow anylonger. But overall I feel very good. My clothes feel so comfortable. My leg muscles feel strong. I'm sleeping less and waking up with a lot of energy. I walk 4-5 times a week and do yoga on 2 days. Tuna is becoming my new best friend. I had a special treat this past week, after the scale moved. My friend invited me to Hooters. Had five hot wings. They were so yummy! I haven't had any candy lately. I'm trying to wait till Halloween. Hope that will be my reward if I continue losing. :girl_hug:
epogi

epogi

1
 

scale stuck?

It's been more than two weeks that I've stayed around the same weight. I go up 1-2 lbs, then I'll go down those same 1-2 lbs. (254-257) I'm thinking am at the platue area that people talk about. Although there is something major going on. My exercise has increased. I'm starting to like it. I love the energy level. I get a high when I'm at most strenous point of excersing. I'm able to walk 1.5 miles in 40 mins. (with an incline of 2%) I feel my muscles are getting stronger. Especially my legs. I walk 4-5 times a week and do yoga twice a week. After each workout I feel good. It's just hard to get started. There's always something pulling me back. (No not today. I'm too tired. My body hurts. There's no time) My mind always tries to convince me. I battle it. Even when I'm thinking I don't want to walk, I force myself to get on the tredmill. Will I always have to fight myself to excersice? I understand the long term benefits and I know how good I will feel afterwards. Why do I always try and get out of moving my body and waking up my muscles and using all my sweat glands? I can feel the oxygen running thru my veins and opening areas that have been shut for so long. My heart feels strong and sometimes I imagine it smiling at me because I have set it free and giving it freedom to pump. I felt that so much fat around it was constricting it. My goal is to speed walk 3 miles in 45 mins. I know I can do it. I've done it in the past. And man I still remember what a good feeling that used to be. Thanksgiving is coming soon. I have planned to work the day and consider it a normal day. Being that it's my first Thanksgiving with the band, I don't want to get into trouble. One big problem. My brother really wants me to join his family for the holiday. I haven't figured out how to meet this challenge. Christmas will be a bit easier if I stay in town. I feel I have more power over my self. I feel I'm ready for my second fill. It will be in exactly two weeks. I feel hungry majority of the time. I try and cover it with water. I will be strong. For some reason it feels like i'm fighting my own body all the time. It's mine so why shouldn't I be the one in control. Right now it's probably creating muscle and storing as much fat as it can cuz it's thinking I'm going to starve it. Guess what? I'm trying to take fat away from it. Let's see what happens. :confused:
epogi

epogi

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back to reality

It's almost October. Just passed my two months post surgery. Everything seems to be going along. I'm down to 254. I think that's what I was 7 yrs ago when I arrived in Vegas. Total loss= 57lbs. I'm eating just about everything now. Just a bit worried about my hair loss. It's starting to thin out. I'm enjoying the comfort of my clothes. Everything used to be tight and now stuff falls off. Even my skin looks better, no more colored spots. I feel alot of energy, yet I sleep less than before. It's always a mental battle during meals. I force myself to face the fullness and stop eating. I sometimes want to ignore it, but it's there yelling with pain, I'M FULL ! NO MORE! I really love water. It's like my best friend. Coming back to the office after my restroom break, I saw a new employee. "He" was wearing dark blue scrubs with a white lab coat. A piece of paper on hand and escorting a patient down the hall. His face is cute with little Asian eyes. He smiles and I smile back. I turn to open my dept door and he passes by. He keeps looking and turns back for a final smile. oh, I ask myself was he looking at me? He's just my type. I gotta hang out in the hallways alot more. The Big Loser, (84lbs to go) :mad:
epogi

epogi

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Two Months done

Two months have pasted by so very quickly. My weight is at 255. I stayed at 260 for what seemed a very long time. My portions had increased and I was starting to snack in between meals. Last Monday I got my first fill. It was a bit unexpected. I thought I was going just for a regular follow-up. After speaking with the doctor and realizing that I didn't want to return back to his office in a few days, we decided to go for the 1/4 filling. No big deal. No pain and it was fast. Didn't feel a thing. The hardest thing was lifting my legs up in order to tighting my abdominal muscles so that the port was higher up and steady. I've been able to eat just about everything. Although, chicken has been a bit painful to pass thru. I really, really have to make sure it's 30+ chewed. Before I didn't have that problem. My parents are now gone and my house seems empty. I learned to appreciate their help. Like my mom said, now it's up to me to continue the healthy diet, excerise (or what she calls it "keeping busy") and she said something powerful to me: "Be Happy, Enjoy Your Life". With a hug and a kiss and she was gone after close to 3 months of being here in vegas with me. My focus and plans for the future have now changed. Alot of things are up in the air. So many things to think about. I need a year to learn my healthy lifestyle and move ahead. I feel like my life is about to change. :dance:By the way, I love how my clothes feel so loose. yuppy!
epogi

epogi

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BAD Week- SIX wks post op why now?

Almost exactly 6 wks after surgery my problems begin. Two days with pain. Epigastric shooting onto my left side, all around into my back. What is that all about? It all started as I streched out to water my bamboo plants and I leaned my belly on the counter. Then I felt a horrible burning, flashing pain. Did I stretch too much that my band dislocated. Well the pain continued for two days until the nights were intolerable. Today, Friday I became nauseated at work and then fear sat in. "Something is not right," I tell my boss. "I need to go to the ER". So there I end up with a GI cocktail, a pain kill, anti-nausous med and several xrays. All negative. No gallstones, no obstructions and the band is in place. Thank God my band is fine. Everything is normal and so they notify my surgeon who in returns says to keep up with the Prevacid and to see him in the office. Well. I guess the scare is over and the pain is now less. Everything else is fine. I'm able to eat, drink, walk, and my energy is fine. What is this striking pain? I myself think it's my body adjust to the weight loss. Less fat around my chest. 262 is my weight. (But I would give back a few pounds to get rid of this pain) I'm also lucky that my parents are still here. Tomorrow, God willing, is a new day. Let's hope the pain is gone. I want to stay on trac.
epogi

epogi

1
 

One Month Out

It's been just about a month now. All sorts of mixed feelings. Getting ready to return to work this coming monday. Finally getting stronger. I cannot believe how weak I was post-op. I feel like my muscles have atrophied and are still regaining their strength. I'm still taking all the vitamins and have increased my protein by adding unflavored protein powder anywhere I can. I can still smell it. I seem to have distanced myself from any kind of protein shake. Just thinking of it, gives a bad feeling. I seem to concentrate on drinking lots of water. I'm always thinking about it. Remembering one hour after eating. With ice or no ice, glass or plastic, bottle or filter from faucet. My two good friends have stopped to say hi today. They both said that I looked different. My shoulders have lowered, one of them said. I missed talking to them. We chatted for about 4 hours. Drinking all sorts of juices and water. They ate a few snacks, but mentioned that they didn't want to eat in front of me. We talked about all sorts of things. They have been great supporters. I believe going back to work will be smooth with their help. Plus, having the privledge of going in half days will be a great positive in case I need it. One worry. My weight has stayed at 273 all last week and this week. What's going on? My hunger is slowing returning. I might be eating more. But no more than one cup. I need to keep ahead. I see my surgeon in about 4 weeks. One month! I better not gain.:hungry:
epogi

epogi

1
 

Moving to Stage Two

Seven days after surgery, my doc says I can start on full liquids. Yuppy! I had 2 oz.cream of wheat and 2 oz V8 this morning. All good. Then for lunch 2oz protein shake with 2 oz sf jello. They all filled me up. I'm usually not hungry, but I have to eat to sustain my energy. I have little energy to go out, but I do. My co-workers sent me a teddybear with balloons today. That was nice of them. It really made my day. My cold symptoms are getting better. I'm on anti-biotics and a nasal spray. Hopefully by next week my energy level will be better. I have an aunt coming to town. I want to go and see her. I haven't seen her in over 10 yrs. I also need a hair cut and color on my whites. I guess those are my plans for next week. :scared: Last night I had two episodes of nausea. I know it's all the pills. I try an take with my meals now. Hopefully that will help. I just kept telling myself : I lost more weight, I'm 273. Everything has a price.
epogi

epogi

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nauseated

It's Tuesday, 4th day post operative. Not a good day. Days 1-3 were good. I felt energetic, excited to drink my little liquid meals and ready to leave the house. Today, um. not like that. I woke up tired, with pain all over (like sorness), in a bad mood and a bit nauseated. Mid-morning I had to take a suppository for the nausea. I was so afraid that I might throw up. I don't want to do that. I didn't enjoy todays meals. The broths smelled bad and the juices were bitter. I don't know what hit me. I feel so tired. I forced my self walk this evening, just a little. I thought maybe my body needs some stimulation. Get the blood oxygenated. That would work. Well, just after wards I started with the nausea again. Just then my mom made me some watermelon water. yummy. I sipped a bit and I like it. I now have energy to write this journal entry. Tomorrow morning at 7am I head over to the surgeons office. I have questions for him. Hopefully this day will not repeat itself. I owe so much to my parents. They've been by my side all this time. Right now they just kicked my out of my room and ask me to stay in the second bedroom. They went on a cleaning spree. I now have a fresh made bed with clean sheets, fluffy pillows and my dad did and extensive vaccum cleaning. wow I feel so lucky. I will try my hardest to get better for them.:scared:
epogi

epogi

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It's Done!

It's Sunday and surgery seemed to have gone good. All is done and here I sit two days post operative. Everything went by really fast. No time to have second doubts. Check in at 11am. Called me in at 12, changed into gown, IV set and rolled me in to the op room by 12:35. One big set back. I have cold symptoms that have made me struggle with pain a bit more. The coughing is annoying. But everytime phlem comes up I feel proud that I had the strengh to pull it out of my lungs. I've been walking around the house. Although at the hospital I walked alot more. Even when I couldn't sleep. (like 2am) I would get up and walk around with my mom or nurse. I stayed a little over 23 hours. I would have stayed another night if they let me. But my doc said I was ready to go. I have 6 incisions. My port is on the middle left side. I haven't been hungry at all. But I've been sipping water to prevent any dehydration. I'm a bit scared of that happening to me. My sister, diana and my mom have been extremely supportive. I feel I'm babied, but it feels good. Mentally I know i have to try and be strong, cuz once they leave it's all up to me. I'm so glad this piece of my journey is in the past. I feel proud to have overcome these past three days. I look forward to my new life. (my improved health):scared:
epogi

epogi

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last days as the old me

Busy day. I feel like my marathon has started. Early this morning I had my pre-op. All final arrangements with my surgeon have been done. They even gave me a surprise pop quiz. They said my score was excellent. It was about general bariatric surgery knowledge. I am scheduled for July 13, 2007 at 2:30 pm. THIS FRIDAY!! I have to continue with my liquid diet. Thursday I need to drink 2 magnesium citrates and do clear liquids. Then nothing after midnight. I bought my last necesary items. Like a robe and slippers for my hospital stay. I was told that I would be kept overnight for observation. I'm ok with that. I feel safe in hands of nurses. Plus, I would be easy access to my doctor, since I live 45 mintues away from the hospital. My nurse said that I had lost 20 pounds since my visit. Wow, I was happy about that, but my scale at home is different. It only said 16. Overall I feel energized and alot more flexiable. I have to start taking vitamin C and zinc. I already have my post-op prescriptions. I will fill those up on wednesday. Thursday morning I have to go register at the hospital. It will give me something to do. I need to keep busy. The nurse needs to fill out my FMLA form so that I can be off for 3 weeks. She promised sometime this week. My mom has been excellent. I love her support, encourgement and company.
epogi

epogi

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finally close

Finally my waiting period is coming to an end. My insurance has approved and I have been scheduled for surgery July 13, 2007. It also happens to be on a Friday. Once all :)my paperwork had been submitted to Cigna, it took about two weeks to hear from my doctor's office with good news. Monday July 9, I go and sign consents with my surgeon, pay fees (1500-surgeon, 500 anesthesiologist) and register in admitting (MountainView Hospital). I've been trying to stay on full liquids for the past two weeks. It's hard. I've kept myself busy as much as I could to avoid the thought of hunger. Cuz it's extremely strong. I haven't been doing good with the protein shakes. The taste is not good. I hate to say it, but they make me gag. I've tried several different kinds. I've got two more kinds to try out. The last one I bought was the whey protein powder. I can blend fruit juice with that. Maybe that will be my shake solution. I go see my psychologist this evening. It's a pre-op visit to mentally prepare myself. I have several questions for him. Like how do deal with depression afterwards, if it so happens. And how to deal with not having food as my comfort. Stuff like that. And something very important that I've learned about myself; I'm greedy with food. And I found out that I've been that way for a long time, just never noticed it. I know now that it's something I have to overcome. Is it related to growing up as the middle child of five in a low income family? Well, let's just see what we talk about during my appointment. Glad my mom is already here and plans on staying long term.
epogi

epogi

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June 05, 2007 already?

Saw my surgeon today. He was not happy with me. I had not lost weight but had gained six pounds since I last saw him in Feburary. "What happened to the nutritionist?" he asked. I sat there silent with nothing to say. Then with embarrassment my face blushed. "We need to prepare for surgery starting now." he said. I do plan on preparing two weeks ahead. But I guess the earlier the better. I've been eating very, very bad things. Almost like saying good bye, farewell to my little best friends. No more. Preparation starts now. So if I really want this surgery I need to go full swing starting now. It's past 7pm and I have stopped eating. Tomorrow I will capture a new day and work with it. I've walked about 15 mins. today. Hopefully everyday will be some. No changes on my behalf then no surgery for me. That's how I told my surgeon. If I can't get 15 pounds off before surgery (hopefully in one month two weeks) then why go into this with a false promise. By surprise I find out that the office had submitted paperwork to my insurance. what? I haven't even finished my six months with my doctor. Remember six months requirement. oh. no. now it's just under review. The head nurse said she would submit the rest of the paper work after my last doctors visit. I hope they didn't ruin my chances of getting approved. Potential date: July 13, on a friday.:straight
epogi

epogi

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passing time

I'm heading into May. Two more office visits and I should be ready to submit all my evidence to my insurance. I haven't lost weight. I've gained four pounds. And that's from all the bad food I've had. I keep thinking that I will no longer have that privledge so might as well enjoy it for the last time. I've been allowing myself to have diet pepsi. But every time I have it I think to myself remember the taste and the feeling of the carbonation because soon this will only be a memory. I will be on a pre-op diet two weeks before surgery even if my surgeon doesn't require one. I feel like cleansing away all the chemicals. Fresh for a new begining. I'm starting to become anxious. Starting to concern myself with the question of who will be my support person. I would love for my mom to be by side. Although I tend to become more childish and that strong inner women within me disappears. I also don't want my mom to go thru this struggle with me. She doesn't deserve to be overworked and worried with the responsiblity of being my caregiver. She's been extremely supportive for the past two years in preparation of this surgery. But there's no way I would do this and not include her. I desire that motherly love, her beautiful unselfishness and her warm words of encouragement. I really hope she can be here with me. love you mami.
epogi

epogi

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Progress

It's mid February and I find myself busy. It seems that I will go thru six months of preparation, again. :embarassed: My former physicain, from my old insurance doesn't feel right releasing me for surgery since I haven't seen her in the last 3 months. Found a primary physician who is willing to care for me thru my weight loss journey and willing to work with my surgeon. I've seen her twice (jan/feb) and found her to be extremely helpful and excited about my health. I have done my psych evaluation this past month. It was a different experience. Was told that I might have some anxiety. Maybe a bit more now, going thru this process. I can continue going to therapy if I want. It felt good talking and explaining myself to someone who seemed so interested in my life. I do plan on it. Don't think it would hurt. Tomorrow morning I will go get an upper GI series and pulmonary function test done. Maybe stick in a yoga class afterwards. One important thing I need to do. Schedule in with a new nutritionist.
epogi

epogi

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new year, plan has been changed

It's the first day into 2007 and no band. Good and bad news:   Right before making an appt to see the surgeon for the first consultation, our company announced changes in our health insurance. Now we have Cigna, whose benefit plan states that the band is covered under an HCA facility. Lucky me! Here I had gone thru a 7 month program requirement by my primary; physican/nutristionist/excercise/lab program. Now with this new insurance I have to be under supervision for 6 months. Like starting all over again. I have to find a new primary, HCA affiliated surgeon and HCA facility. I've talked to Cigna and there might be a chance that if I provide proper documentation of my previous program that it might be taken into consideration for individuals with lifelong morbid obesity. I will do everything they ask. Even it takes six more months I will do it. It's been a journey, but I've learned alot. Plus it's given me time to think things thru. Tomorrow I start my search for providers. At least I know what to expect with a physician-directed weight-management program. just waiting
epogi

epogi

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entering

A little over two years now, deciding, preparing, saving and educating myself on the tool that will help me. I reached the most unhealthy, most depressing stage in my life. I can no longer let my body control me. I have to take charge. I feel so, so tired. I have started by disclosing all my health issues with my family and friends. One of the hardest things for me to do is admit that I need help. I bought a scale. It took me about six months to convince myself and three trips to the store to purchase it. I'm guessing there was denial. I didn't want to admit that I had reached the 300 mark. I've gained six pounds after seeing the nutritionist for the four past months. I know what is good and what is bad. But I allow myself to eat. Lately my excuse has been that it will probably be one of the last times. I've stayed away from buffets, which were my downfalls, can't leave till my tummy hurts. I'm waiting for my niece to visit me later this month, so I can celebrate around the buffet table for the last time. In two more weeks I start my pre-op testing so that my primary physician can release me. And my last nutrionist visit.
epogi

epogi

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