I am still waiting. I think I will call Shawna, she is the new patient coordinator for Dr. Steinberg. I am really getting antsy.
I need to just relax, right? I have not really done much in the way of behavior mod. for the new life I will have. I think it is all still a dream, that it may or may not really happen.
I don't want to get my hopes up and then get disappointed!
That would suck.
I am just tired of being this big! Yes I can diet, but I will loose and gain and loose and gain!! My husband is supportive...although he wants me to try dieting "one more time". I told him, it has not worked in the past 20 years, so I cannot imagine that it will work now, nothing is different.
I am still in the waiting stage. :confused2:
I am not sure if Shawna sumbitted the paperwork yet, she may wait until today to send it in.
I have been reading posts, blogs and watching Youtube posts. I am trying not to get too anxious about this. At this point it is not in my hands, I really need to have faith that whatever decision is made, I will have to accept it and go on to the next step.
Even with the surgery, I will have to make sure I follow the plan to the letter. I have to make a commitment, really to myself and know that I am doing the best thing for me.:tt2:
Here I am on day 6! So far, I have lost about 9lbs, that is not unusual for me. I retain water so that is what most of it is.
BUT!! I will take it!:thumbup:
Today has not been too bad. We did some running around and right now I am taking a break from my Saturday chores. I had a pretty big bfast. Eggs and a sausage. I just had some grapes, yogurt and chicken for lunch.
Gotta go! I am going to surf the web for a minute and then start cleaning again.
When I woke this morning, I had planned on doing a quick blog before I went for the procedures, but I got lazy.
Anyway, the upper GI and the GB ultrasound are done. The GB ultrasound was pretty routine, I just laid there while she scanned my GB, Kidneys, liver and spleen. NO BIG DEAL. The Upper GI was fine as well, with the exception of drinking that chalky barium! So, you drink the barium, swallow it and the tech has you hold your breath. Well, then you are laid down on the xray table and you have to roll from side to side (they want to watch the barium as it goes down into the gi track). That was it.
Now the warning you are given is that the barium will stick to the bowel, so you need to drink lots of water and eat a high fiber diet. I can handle that.:smile:
So, then I go to see Dr. Steinberg, I am all ready to get a date, I have my calendar, my hubby is with me, we go over the consents and.....NO DATE UNTIL THURSDAY:tt2:. Okay so the joke is on me. I guess the surgical coordinator person has to schedule the surgery.
While talking with Dr. Steinberg, we came to the conclusion, that I will be better off with a lap bypass! I have pre-diabetes and I am already on Metformin for it and PCOS, so whatever, I am just ready to make the lifestlye change. I am ready to make the commitment to a new life and a new body.
So while the finish line is still in the distance, I can see it. The most anxiety for me was waiting for the insurance approval.
OH! One more thing. We discussed my goal weight. For me I would be happy at 155-160. Well his goal weight for me is 136! We started to buck about it, but then I told him to let me go through the surgery first and then we can talk about it more. I never wanted to be a toothpick and I think for me 136 will be too small! That is 134lbs!!!
Soooooo overwhelming. I will write again on Monday.
Now I am conviced this is some type of marathon. It is also a test of my patience! I will hear (hopefully by Wednesday) about a date.
As I apparently get closer, I am becoming a little more anxious. I have been reading the forums daily. There is an emotional component to not being able to use food as an outlet. So, I need to develop more healthy habits. Sounds good, right? Well easier said than done. I decided I may take up knitting again, something to do to keep my hands busy.
At this point, I really just want to get it done and move on to the next step. I turn 44 this year, which I cannot believe! Time certainly has gone by quickly. I feel as though I need to catch up with my age. My brain is still only about 25!
At this point I just need to have the GB ultrasound and the upper GI. Then, I go to see Dr. Steinberg for my surgery date.
It looks like it will be sometime in October.
It is still far away, but it seems more of a reality. I am conflicted as to who I should tell and when...I will think about it.
The confused look seems to be my look of the week. I am so trying not to obsess with the whole approval vs not approval thing.
If I get approved, I have a date in mind and a schedule worked out. I work 12 hours at a retail clinic, so I need to make sure I pace myself well. I will most likely take vacation time and then just bunch the rest of the days together as days off. I plan on working a few extra weekends because I only have to do 6 hours on the weekend.
That is IF I am approved.
If I am not approved, I guess, I will have to go through the whole appeal process, which does not seem too difficult. The difficulty will come if I receive a final denial.:w00t:
But, at this point, I am stil just in the waiting phase and I cannot focus on something I cannot control.
Once this is all done, I am seriously thinking about getting another job, maybe at the beginning of the year...I will have to see. I just began a doctorate program. I hope by the time I finish these biostats and epidemiology courses, I gain some knowledge...
I am at the end of day 2. I did okay, I started obsessing about food, but not just food the bad stuff, chips, cake, cookies, ice cream...."sigh":sad:
I slept for about 3 hours, just to avoid it. I did walk the dog and watched a good show, but this is sooo hard for me. I think it is because I have failed so many times before and the little voice in my head saying "you may as well wait for the surgery, you are not going to stick with it" ARG! Those damned little voices!:rolleyes2:
Right now I am just drinking a diet coke and typing on my blog. This is a calorie free activity. I will write more tomorrow.:clap:
I have a date...finally. I am going to have surgery on 10/14/08, the day before my 44th birthday! I am really excited. The end of the first hurdle is near. I then get to begin a whole new chapter in my life. It is very exciting. It's funny that I don't feel nervous at all, should I? I am sure that will change as the date gets closer.
Once again, I have been reading different forums and blogs and I gusess I need to get prepared. I need to get the vitamins and the protein powders and drinks. Most say they wished they had not bought so much, as their taste for things change so dramatically. I also checked out the recipe forum, people are so creative.
I told my parents that I am going to have weight loss surgery. My mom pretty much said "that's good, let me tell you about my back...." typical. My dad said NOTHING, which is like saying EVERYTHING! At least he recognizes that I am an adult and capable of making my own decisions. I am sure he doesn't approve. He is from the old school, just stop eating so much, and excercise. The problem is that is what I have been doing for the past 25+ years. Now I really believe my metabolism is so shot, that even when I do diet, my body senses it and shuts down.
Here is the list of diets I have been on since I can remember:
Jenny Craig at least 4 times
NutriSystem at least 3 times
Quick Weight loss at least 5 times
Atkins diet 15 times!!! (I found an old diary)
Some online diet, I cannot remember the name.
Multiple Scarsborough diets, hollywood diet, zone diets, grape fruit diet, mayo clinic diet, cabbage soup diet, southbeach diet, slimfast, physician sponsored diets....and probably about 100 more I cannot think of right now.
I have joined gyms at least 20 or more times!
So when someone tells me to diet and excercise, my answer is "that is what I have been doing and look at me!" I have been as low as 145 and as high as 275, I am just over this whole ordeal. It is time for me to do something different. I don't plan on getting the surgery done, then nothing. I plan on changing my eating habits, increasing my excercise program and becoming more active. I know you can't just have the surgery and hang out and wait for the weitght to "fall off". I see this as a tool and and incentive to keep loosing and continuing to get positive results.
The last diet I was on, was a physician supervised diet. I was placed on phentermine, which helped. I followed the food plan and the excercise regime and after 6 months I lost 4 pounds!!! Well, that messed with my head badly! I really had made the lifestyle changes ( I continue to excercise) and to have lost 4 pounds!!??:sad:
I just could not believe it. I have managed to keep the 4 lbs off, but I am just tired of doing it the "conventional" way. It makes me sick.
So on 10/14/08, I am going to do something different, and incorporate a healthier lifestyle. I expected to get different results.:thumbup:
I am sitting here at work, watching the clock. I hope I don't get anymore patients. I am just really feeling tired. I think I am getting to old to work 12 hours anymore. I cannot complain, though. I do not stay that busy and I am able to get some of my school work done. But since I only have 30 minutes left, I think I will blog.
I was just reading over my past postings and it makes me feel so uncomfortable to think someone besides myself is actually reading this. In a large group and superficially, I am fine with social groups. But when it comes to one-on-one discussions I just freeze. I guess sometimes I don't know what to say...oops gotta go will write more later......
Sometimes I feel like I am in some sort of weird race. Really a marathon. There is so much prep work before having surgery, it gets to be a little overwhelming.
Tomorrow I go for an upper GI and GB ultrasound. After that appointment, I will see Dr. Steinberg and get a date. I have been on the forum reading daily and it seems as though most physicians put you on a diet. A liquid diet. Okay!
I obviously have food issues and so I am going to be challenged if I am placed on a diet. It seems as though the diet is to prep for surgery (attempt to make the liver less fatty). But I also see it as an oppertunity, albiet challenging, to start my new more healthy life style. There are so many unknowns. 2 weeks out of your life may not sound like much, but for me, a liquid diet for 2 weeks sounds impossible. I must focus on this as an oppertunity to change my eating habits. I need to become more aware of not only when I eat, but why.
I have read some blogs in which people are greiving the loss of their previous relationship with food. It seems as though there is some emotional pain with it. I can understand. Food is always there for me. If I am happy, sad, angry, celebatory, bored, enthused, food has always been there.
Things are going to be different. My relationship with food needs to change from an emotional buddy to a tool. A tool which gives me energy to live to breathe...energy to develop other realtionships.
I am an introvert. This entire experience, blogging, posting my pictures online, is so different for me. I am not comfortable with people looking at me, knowing who I am and how I am feeling. If someone is actually reading this, , that scares me. However, I think it is therapeutic for me to do this. I need to become more open with myself and others.
So, tomorrow, I will get closer to the finish line. I will have my testing done, get a date and possibly a 2-week diet. "sigh". I will write more tomorrow after the testing. I am feeling pretty good right about now.:smile:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
Well, today I received the preop instruction packet from the hospital. I have to go for my preop on 10/09 and 10am.
My surgery is on 10/14 at 12 noon, but I have to be at the hospital at 10am. So I will have to wait around for about 2 hours...Wow, it is becoming more real.. and I am excited.
I am very nervous! I have BCBS of RI and everything has been submitted to my physician, Dr. Steinberg as of today.
Now, I have to wait to hear from the insurance company. I have heard that Shawna is very good at getting everything together for the office.
I really hope to get approval. I started this whole journey on 05/15/08, when I went to the information meeting.
Since then, I have done all of the footwork.
The psych clearence took the longest, which is no surprise.
I do have issues with food.:tt2:, obviously.
I want to do everything correctly this time. Which includes going to meetings and continuing with my therapy.
I think the excercise and diet stuff will be easy, compared to that.