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Will I Be Bad Today?

Will I Be Bad Today?   I read the following on the internet and it describes EXACLY how I feel on a daily basis! Thought I would share...   The alarm brought Mary from her deep sleep as she struggled to reach the snooze button. Waiting for that inevitable sound again she began to ask herself that too familiar question, Will I be bad today.   She began to run down all the dreadful food rules in her head. There seemed to be so many and now since her surgery the stakes seemed even higher.   Part of her was ashamed that she had not made more progress in her struggles with eating. Today was going to be different. Mary proclaimed “today I am going to be perfect”! I will follow all the rules and no matter what happens I will not eat any bad foods.   Today, I will be good. After all I owe myself that much having gone through so much to get my surgery and am finally losing weight.   There was that all too familiar sound of the alarm bringing her back to thoughts of the day rather than the “rules”. Climbing from bed Mary says aloud with a tone of certainty “today I will be good”. No bad foods, no bad choices, no head hunger today.   The morning is always the easiest part of Mary’s day. She works at getting small sips of hot tea past her lips and has no desire for food as she thinks about her upcoming day.   Traffic is stressful as usual and by the time the long commute is over she is beginning to feel small pangs of hunger. Walking past the break room filled with machines all stocked with bad foods was always the first test of the day. Today, Mary passed with flying colors. Proclaiming loudly inside her head "today I will be good".   It was always better to wait until the crowd cleared before using the break room microwave to warm her breakfast dutifully brought from home and prepared with such determination to not be bad today.   As the lunch hour approached Mary found herself going over all her food rules. Today was lunch with her supervisor, who always seemed to watch her eating with the most critical eye since the surgery.   Mary knew her supervisor thought the surgery to be ill-advised and foolish. How many times did she say, “If you would just stick with your diets the weight would come off”. Taking so long to finish her soup made Mary self-conscious to say the least and certainly did not go unnoticed by the supervisor.   This lunch was particularly stressful as Mary learned that the company was in financial difficulty and some tough decisions were coming from corporate.   The lunch was all Mary could think about as she drove home that afternoon. Since lunch the rules committee in her head had been very active and loud. She must have covered every food rule in her exhaustive list of bad foods. The more she thought about what she could not have the more she wanted what she could not have.   Mary was firm with her resolve that in spite of such a stressful day that she would not be bad today. She would not eat even a single bit of bad food. Mary could feel the frustration, anger, resentment, and it seemed like every feeling imaginable rushed into her body.   Upon arriving at home Mary pulled the shades, turned off the phone, turned on the TV. The more she thought about her day the more she thought about every bad food in the house.   I will not be bad today Mary proclaimed aloud as if someone within earshot cared about her feelings.   As darkness fell numbness overcame the earlier rush of feelings. All Mary could think of was all the bad foods she could not have and all her shortcomings.   In no time she had convinced herself that not only was she unlovable, but could never find another job if this one was lost.   Mary suddenly found herself standing in front of the refrigerator. Opening the box of ice cream she promised herself to take only one bite. I won’t even put it in a bowl because I’m only going to take one bite.   Almost instantaneously after the first bite the voices in her head began to scream the all too familiar refrains: you’ve done it now stupid; what a failure you are; you will never learn; you have absolutely no will power; every one is doing better than you after their surgery; you are bad.   Having broken the rule there was no need to hold back until the ice cream was gone. This would be her dinner, as well as her much deserved punishment.   When you are a bad person you deserve no help or sympathy. The thing to do is go ahead and punish yourself, because that is what bad people deserve - punishment.   With the ice cream gone and exhaustion overtaking Mary’s day she lay down in bed. Will sleep coming she asked herself, "will I be bad tomorrow?"   Mary like so many of us fell into the trap of defining herself as good or bad based on the foods she ate. Food was something sharply divided into good vs. bad.   The rules were never to be broken and once broken there was no need to turn back until all the damage had been done.   Arriving home, Mary made the faithful decision to isolate herself with only her rule and self-doubt to grow in strength until they were unbearable.   Anyone else ever feel like this???
StrangeDz

StrangeDz

3
 

Happy birthday to meeeeee! Happy birthday to a 78 lbs lighter meeeeeee!!!

THIS WAS LAST YEAR'S BIRTHDAY BLOG TITLED: 'ITS MY 41ST BIRTHDAY AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO':   I'm feeling pretty depressed and guilty and discouraged and and and... and I'm tired of feeling this way! I've got my band in april of last year and didnt get my first fill until 6 months later. I've lost 55 pounds since but just cant seem to stay on track these days. Ice cream.. crackers.. mini candy bars at work... sometimes in the afternoon at work, I cant stop thinking about a snack. I obsess over it and end up becoming grouchy because I cant stop thinking about it. I end up feeling deprived and punished because I cant eat what I want... then the guilt that I even feel like that in the first place makes it worse. sigh...   WHATS WRONG WITH ME???   I'm so happy with my success so far, but I feel I cant do it anymore. I was going to the gym 3 times a week, so even when I cheated, I wouldnt gain. Unfortunately I fell and hurt my ankle 4 weeks ago and can only do so much before I'm in too much pain.... so now I only go 1 or 2 times a week. I was working back to my consistency, but then I must of reinjured it because it started swelling up and hurting so I am back to square one. Boo!   Although I know my depression meds contribute to my weight gain and my lust for sweets, it doesnt make me feel any better. Feels like excuses.   Its my 41st bday today and I had wanted to reach my first goal of 200 pounds by today, but am 11 pounds short... and its my fault. I get up every morning and tell myself that today I wont eat anything I am not suppose to and that I will go to the gym and be proud of myself... but that never seams to happen 100%.   I'm sorry I didnt have any words of wisdom or positive energy to contribute... maybe I shouldnt of posted at all... anyway, good luck to you... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This year my perspective is so much different from last year!   It's my 42nd birthday and I dont want to cry!         These are some things I've learned since last year: I've learned that I'm NOT perfect and that's OK. Really, it is!
I've realized that I will still have bad days and struggle with my depression, but good days are always around the bend. I dont feel out of control or hopeless anymore. Thats a good thing!
I've learned that having the right amount of saline in your band is the key! My doc will only give .5 ccs at a time and it's taken me two years EXACTLY to reach my sweet spot! On my last fill (April 2010), I went for a fill and since I have lost 12 pounds! I even cancelled an appointment I scheduled for today. I rescheduled for August-just in case.
I've learned that control, exercise and making wise food choices is important, but if you dont have the right amount in your band, it will be harder.
I've learned that although I've come far, its not over. There is ALWAYS room for improvement and I'm alive and capable to do whatever I set my mind to! Splurging on chocolate or pizza once in awhile isnt a make or break deal! There is always a tomorrow to start fresh. ALWAYS.
I've learned that I'm happier with my current body image than I have been in probably 15 years! I'm far from being 'thin', but I'm a hell of a lot better off than I was two years ago!!!
Happy Birthday to me!       Happy Birthday to me!   Happy Birthday to a healthier-happier meeeeeee!   Happy Birthday to me!
StrangeDz

StrangeDz

4
 

Jeans with pockets!!! Wooohooooo!!!

Although I've yet to meet my first goal, I am so happy about something that I just had to share it with you!   For the first time in about 7 years I FIT INTO A PAIR OF JEANS!!! Not the stretchy kind with the elastic waist, but real jeans! WITH A ZIPPER AND POCKETS! This may not seem like a big deal, but I hated the stretch 'denim leggings' i've been squeezing into for years.   When my friend and I go to rock concerts, I have to give her my phone and money to carry in HER pockets, because I have none and dont want to take my purse in. Hated that! ...not to mention I felt like a total dork. How uncool are stretchy denim leggings on a 250 pound woman, right??? :confused:   At my biggest, I was in a 26-28 stretch pant and yes, I was stretching them out! :ohmy: Now that I've lost 63 pounds I got brave and ordered some jeans from Roamans a few weeks ago in a size 24 (I still have the body image that I'm still 266 pounds!) and they were huge! I had to send them back. When I went to reorder, all they had left was a size 18! Booooooo! I wanted to order a 22, but....   Well, I ordered them anyway, telling myself that I would fit into them at some point in the future... I really liked the style and fit. PLUS they were on clearance.   Anyway, I tried them on last night, just to see how close they were to fitting me, AND THEY FIT! THEY ACTUALLY FIT!!!   I cried so hard! My daughter didnt understand why I was crying... I couldnt explain it. I thought I'd never fit into a regular pair of jeans again.   Yes, I know they do make jeans in larger sizes, but I never liked the way they looked. My thighs are huge so they would always be too baggy on the bottom (I'm not a fan of wide legged pants). Or they would be too low in the waist... or create muffin-top... or bag out in the back... or have hangy crotch. I finally gave up trying to buy jeans. Although I've lost some weight, I just didnt feel good in the many i've tried on and always left the store depressed and dejected.. WHICH in turn made me wonder why I was wasting my time trying so hard to lose weight when I would never be able to look the way I wanted. I know... I know... self sabotage.   I was always hoping that SOME DAY I would be able to wear some jeans and feel good in them. :wub: THAT DAY IS TODAY! I'm so happy!
StrangeDz

StrangeDz

6
 

What's wrong with me?????

I'm feeling pretty depressed and guilty and discouraged and and and... and I'm tired of feeling this way! I've got my band in april of last year and didnt get my first fill until 6 months later. I've lost 55 pounds since but just cant seem to stay on track these days. Ice cream.. crackers.. mini candy bars at work... sometimes in the afternoon at work, I cant stop thinking about a snack. I obsess over it and end up becoming grouchy because I cant stop thinking about it. I end up feeling deprived and punished because I cant eat what I want... then the guilt that I even feel like that in the first place makes it worse. sigh...   WHATS WRONG WITH ME???   I'm so happy with my success so far, but I feel I cant do it anymore. I was going to the gym 3 times a week, so even when I cheated, I wouldnt gain. Unfortunately I fell and hurt my ankle 4 weeks ago and can only do so much before I'm in too much pain.... so now I only go 1 or 2 times a week. I was working back to my consistency, but then I must of reinjured it because it started swelling up and hurting so I am back to square one. Boo!   Although I know my depression meds contribute to my weight gain and my lust for sweets, it doesnt make me feel any better. Feels like excuses.   Its my 41st bday today and I had wanted to reach my first goal of 200 pounds by today, but am 11 pounds short... and its my fault. I get up every morning and tell myself that today I wont eat anything I am not suppose to and that I will go to the gym and be proud of myself... but that never seams to happen 100%.   I'm sorry I didnt have any words of wisdom or positive energy to contribute... maybe I shouldnt of posted at all... anyway, good luck to you...
StrangeDz

StrangeDz

2
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