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About this blog

my journey to gorgeous 160lbs again!

Entries in this blog

 

2/15 240 1ST PB! UGH!

1ST PB! 4X IN A MATTER OF AN HOUR! RESTRICTION IS HERE!:faint: NO MORE CHINESE BUFFET FOR ME...I MEAN IT I JUST CANNOT.   FROM GEISS' MESSAGE BOARD: SOME SUCCEED BECAUSE THEY ARE DESTINED TO MOST SUCCEED BECAUSE THEY ARE DETERMINED TO :eek:   THOSE WHO WANT TO SUCCEED WILL FIND A WAY THOSE WHO DON'T WILL FIND AN EXCUSE.   ONCE YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT, YOU MAKE A COMMITMENT TO THAT DECISION I ATE 500 CALS IN THE WHOLE DAY   WALKED 40 MINS IN AM & 30 IN PM, 2 MILES TOTAL. BURNED 400 CALS. I WAS RESTRICTED!
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12/7 yay!

:clap2: I'm fitting into most of my old clothes that still have tags on them...that never fit...yesterday I was wearing my new, unworn silk Jones NY black blouse. Tomorrow I will wear my shiny snake print beige & black shirt that I bought 6 yrs ago! To day I'm wearing my purple tweed blazer that my old assistant Anmarie had given me for Christmas in 2000 :nervous I also weigh less than I have since 2002...to-day I weigh 187.1. Now my journey begins to where I haven't gone since 1989. Now I'm ready to begin that journey, & looking forward to it....the band makes it possible for me to shed more weight.
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11/3

CAME IN BY HIMSELF....LOOKED SAD....W MY CHECK
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MY GOALS! 4/5 226LBS

4/4 : weight: lbs lost: goal 225 4/11: weight: lbs lost: goal 222.5 4/18: weight: lbs lost: goal 220 4/25: weight: lbs lost: goal 217.5
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new goal

"Unwritten"   I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned   Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find   Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inhibitions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten   I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way   Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten   Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your INHIBITIONS   Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips treat yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins   Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words That you could not find   Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your INHIBITIONS   Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips treat yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins   Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips treat yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten The rest is still unwritten
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1/25/06 243 6 WEEKS SINCE SURGERY

DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HE WHO SEEKS TO COMFORT YOU LIVES UNTROUBLED AMONG THE SIMPLE AND QUIET WORDS THAT SOMETIMES DO YOU GOOD. HIS LIFE HAS MUCH DIFICULTY..... OTHERWISE HE WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIND THOSE WORDS. RAINER MARIE RILKE MARIA SAID TODAY SHE ATE 4 CHICK NUG & SM CHILLI & SM ICRM CONE BFAST: 2 CRACKERS, 1 CHEESE, 1 EGG 100 CALS LUNCH: CRAB LEGS 260 + SHRIMP 75 + ROLL100 = 435 + 100 = 535 DINNER:CHICK NUG 170 =705 + 4 RITZ CRAKRS 100= 800
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10/21 HURTFUL PEOPLE

I feel your pain hon and I am so sorry that your spirit is sore. You have all that any man could and should want, but humans are stupid creatures. Never knowing what they are looking for till it has passed them by. Within you is a light that shines thru the darkest days and somewhere there is a man who will see that light and know he has found something magical! I know that does not erase the pain you now feel, but I also know it is the truth. God made each of us in different strengths... for different reasons, some of us may never know why...but you have so much to offer the world I can not help but believe that your strength is a gift meant for wonderous things. Be strong hon, feel the pain if you must but believe in the light as well! No one as beautiful and caring as you can go un noticed for too long. Be proud of who you are and what you have done!   You are gorgeous. We all suffer from insecurity, even those size 4's do. People that talk about you behind your back are not worth a second thought. They are the flawed ones, not you.   Have you ever heard the saying "fake it till you make it"? I bet if you acted as though you had confidence and were proud of yourself, you would soon realize that it is you who is seeing you the way that you do and not others. Walk tall girl, you are very special, you just need to believe it and reflect it.     and remember that you are never alone, even though you may think it..... you are never alone! I am so sorry to know someone else - esp. someone as beautiful and special as you, NINA- feels this same way. I agree with those who say we need to learn to project confidence (and NOT the f*ck off/not-interested/available vibe) - not saying I know how to do that, just that we need to learn...   For you, a truly Phenomenal Woman, I dedicate this poem to inspire (hopefully us both):       PHENOMENAL WOMAN by Maya Angelou Pretty women wonder where my secret lies I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size But when I start to tell them They think I'm telling lies. I say It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips The stride of my steps The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me. I walk into a room Just as cool as you please And to a man The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees Then they swarm around me A hive of honey bees. I say It's the fire in my eyes And the flash of my teeth The swing of my waist And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me. Men themselves have wondered What they see in me They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say It's in the arch of my back The sun of my smile The ride of my breasts The grace of my style. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me. Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say It's in the click of my heels The bend of my hair The palm of my hand The need for my care. 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
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finish each day

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.   Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your own nonsense.- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Being fat is lonely.

Being fat is lonely. It wasn't enough to be publically tormented and laughed at throughout school, but the effects later on are painful. As a kid I was not hurt badly, but enough to add emotional scars. I was always the fat girl friend, the one anyone can talk with and hang out with, but never get close to. My friends never called me fat, but those backhanded comments like, "you'd be so pretty if you were skinny (or not so fat... yeah I got that one)". The laughter when sitting down on chairs, that used to creak and moan under my weight... it just killed me. I hated myself, eversince elementary school. I begged my parents to send me to a fat camp when I was in 3rd grade... they finally did the summer before 5th grade. I cried many times after school, just due to people talking about me behind my back. What? Like I didn't know I was fat?   I'm now 133 pounds lighter... but I still feel like people are staring at me, judging me, laughing at me. The only place I feel comfortable is at the hospital and at the gym. Students are more accepting of me now that I'm skinnier, but I'm still the largest person by far. Going out with them, means me and several girls in size 4 hang out... while they get hit on and I'm lonely in the corner. Some of my friends went out (and to be honest, I have to get up at 5:30 am and I couldn't go)... but the thought of being isolated brought back all my self-loathing feelings. I would have gone, but I would have been uncomfortable... especially since they get all dolled up in cute clothes that look good on them and I'm in frumpy jeans/T-shirt that try to cover up my flaws.   It's lonely in the sense of dating. It just doesn't happen, either because I write F*ck Off on my forehead or that my body is that repulsive (or that I convy my self-loathing without words). The guys that I'm attracted to DO NOT like large girls... I know that based on their previous girlfriends. I would never change myself for another person, but it's a shame that a guy I like isn't attracted to me physically... which you need that in addition to the personality component.   Sorry for the sad post. I just feel isolated, still... even though I do "fit" in society better. My perception still gets in the way of my happiness...   I know others can relate, but I just had to vent or share or whatever.Alyssa, sweetheart I can relate. We all can. No one gets to be as big as we are and does not know how it feels to be tormented and hurt and rejected. People always say, "When you lose weight, you are just a smaller version of the person you are right now, so love yourselve for the person you are right now, big or small." Well, that is true and great advice, but how do you love yourself now, when you never loved yourself...ever???!!! This is how, you step away from yourself and approach this as if you were a friend of yours. Okay? So you are not Alyssa, you are a friend of Alyssa's. What are the things you love about Alyssa? Why is she your friend? What do you think is beautiful about? And so on... Sound corny? Beleive me, it works. I swear. It gets you to focus on something other than what YOU don't like about yourself and start to see what OTHERS do like about you. Now, regarding men, babe they have super sensitive radars to woman with low confidence. Some of them pray on that and are like preditors waiting for an easy mark. Others don't want to get involved because they don't want to hurt you. So, they stear clear. Let me say, some men are just plain intimidated by a tall, curvy Goddess. ( happens all the time to me...lol ) Nothing and I mean NOTHING, not perky big boobs, bootylisious beyonce booty, not legs for miles, is as sexy as a confident woman. So, don't beat yourself up. Take this time to learn yourself all over again. Learn to love yourself, care for yourself and respect yourself. If you do, he will too. If you don't, you will attract every doornob from here to East Jabip!!! Think about some therapy. It can (in a very short time) work miracles. Okay and my last thought....you are never alone. God loves you Alyssa and so do we. WE are here when ever you need. Just reach out....
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4/5/06 SUPPORT GROUP

:girl_hug: I LOOKED DAMN GOOD!WILLO, DIANE LOSITO, DEE DIGUARDIA, & SHERWINTER & MY MARIA ALL TOLD ME & SO DID ROBIN! WHO IS JEALOUS IS LUCY! SHE WAS SARCASTIC ABOUT MY SPEAKING TO EVERYONE...SHE SAW ME TALKING TO GEISS AS WE WENT UPSTAIRS ... GEISS STARTED SPEAKING TO ME... WE WERE TALKING ABOUT OBESITY IN INDIA, & WORLD WIDE & THE DISCRIMINATION THE OBESE FACE...OFCOURSE IT PISSED HER OFF AS DID THE FACT THAT WILLO GAVE ME THE PAPERS TO GIVE OUT WHEN SHE SAT AT THE END. BOTH DIANE & DEE COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW GOOD I LOOKED. THEN TODAY LUCY MENTIONED HOW MEL DIDN'T LIKE THE OTHER GIRL TALKING....NOW I'M GOING TO CUT HER LOOSE...NO MORE EATING W HER @ THE DINER AFTER SUPPORT GROUP...I'M GOING TO EAT BEFORE & THAT IS IT . SHE IS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT HER OWN WEIGHT LOSS & IS JEALOUS OF MINE...EVEN HOW SHE SPEAKS TO HER DAUGHTER IS BITCHY ...SHE IS VERY ANGRY @ HERSELF & IS NOT DONE MAKING EXCUSES! SHE LOOKS TO BLAME THE DOCTORS OR MAKE EXCUSES FOR NOT LOSING WT...SOMEONE LIKE THAT IS GOING TO PULL ME DOWN TOO! SHE WAS BOTHERED THAT I HAD A FILL ON FRIDAY! I'M GLAD I DIDN'T TELL HER ABOUT WILLO ALTHOUGH SHE PROBABLY SAW US TALKING & SAW WILLO GIVE ME HER CARD...I BET THAT BURNT HER UP TOO.... THAT'S IT!I BET THAT IS WHAT BOTHERED HER MY LOOKING TO BETTER MYSELF! NO MORE. I'LL CUT THE BITCH LOSE & GIVE THE CLOTHES TO GOODWILL...END OF STORY!
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8/7/06 210.1

MY SIZE 10 WHITE BILL BLASS CAPRIS FIT! I LOVE THEM! I WALKED ALL AROUND YALE CAMPUS W RUBU YESTERDAY. GOT MY HAIR DONE ON SAT THE OWNER OF HEADCUTTERS DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME. WENT TO GEISS'S OFFICE W CARMELA & NANCY. GEISS,JOANNE, JOY,& KATHY SAID I LOOK GOOD. GEISS TOLD ME I MAKE HIS DAY EVERYTIME HE SEES ME & HOW WELL I'M DOING. WENT TO SUNRISE LAB TO DAY & THE LAB TECH LOOKED @ ME & SAID "HI SKINNY I SAW YOU IN THE DUNKIN DONUTS PARKING LOT & I COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW THIN YOU ARE! GEORGIA FROM NEXT DOOR TOLD ME HOW GOOD I LOOK ON SATURDAY
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188.4 12/4

I fit in size 8 pants to-day:clap2:... "If you don't know me by now...you will never,never,never know me" has been playing in my mind to day
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bette blackwell's # and mine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~WEIGHT.....BMI.....POUNDS LOST lost FIRST APPOINTMENT.....376.......54 1st apt 271 wt lbs total DAY OF SURGERY..........350.......50.2....26day of surg 265 7 1 MONTH.....................330.. ....47.3....46 1 month 247 18= 25 2 MONTHS....................323......46.3....53 2 months 235 12= 37 3 MONTHS....................319......45.7....57 3 mar 225 230 4LBS = 41 4 MONTHS....................296......42.4....80 4 apr215 5 MONTHS....................286......41......90 5 may205 6 MONTHS....................276.....39.6....100 6 jun195 7 MONTHS....................266.....38.1....110 7 jul 180lbs 8 MONTHS....................252..........36.1........124 9 MONTHS....................245..........35.1........131 10 MONTHS..................231...........33.1........145 11 MONTHS..................227...........32.5........149 1 YEAR........................223...........30.9........160 18 MONTHS..................174...........24.9.........202 2 YEARS.......................163..........23.5..........213
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GAME PLAN

10/7/06***194 10/14/06***189 10/21/06***184 10/28/06***180
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226! 4/3/06

2 week challenge! 6 lbs down by April 17 06! 220lbs by April 17th! 600 cals daily, walk 60 mins daily, drink80 oz water.
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6/27 size 12 are loose!

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. -Nelson Mandela-   No man ever achieved worthwhile success who did not, at one time or other, find himself with at least one foot hanging well over the brink of failure. -Napoleon Hill-
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7/15 213.2 on ww scale

Rubu fixed the ww scale...more accurate! Threw out the old Healthometer This scale is more like Geiss scale. I weighed 224 on his scale 6/21...so I've shed 11 lbs since. Should be interesting to see what I weigh on the 21st of this month! Fawzie weighed herself on it...157 now that's a # I'd like to see...I'm taller than her!
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6/16 210!

:clap2: 6 month anniversary! 210 lbs:clap2: :clap2: 69 lbs down! my size 10 will fit by July 4th:clap2: :clap2: my old Bob's store cream colored shirt w pockets fits!:clap2: :clap2: I'm so happy I have summer clothes that fit!:clap2: my brand new teal, blue, and purple Victoria Secrets bras all fit I'm now a 36d
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4/18 225 FIRM

AUNT FLO! B LIGHT SMOOTHIE 130   L WHIPPED YOGHURT 140   SNACK WHIPPED YOGHURT 140   D FISH BALL SOUP & WHIPPED YOGHURT 140 + 140 = 690
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10/14 HAPPY 10 MO ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

WORE MY PLUM PIN CORDUROY JACKET W MY BLACK BOOTS & CROPPED PANTS ..I LOOK HOT! HE STARED @ ME ALMOST LIKE "GEE SHE'S TOO GOOD FOR ME" MY HOUND'STOOTH FITS & SO DOES THE BROWN SUIT & B&W POLKA DOT IS A LITTLE SNUG...ANOTHER MONTH & IT WILL FIT! BOUGHT SIZE 8 PANTS @ K-MART...THEY FIT!
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8/8 208.7 YES!

A restrictive device gave me complete freedom from the prison that had held me captive: food. WILLO SAID MY JOURNALLING IS WHAT IS MAKING ME SUCCESSFUL IN SHEDDING THE LBS....I HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE BY DOING THAT.
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