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About this blog

my journey to gorgeous 160lbs again!

Entries in this blog

 

FIRE

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.   Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.   The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." - Ayn Rand.
luvlif

luvlif

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finish each day

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.   Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your own nonsense.- Ralph Waldo Emerson
luvlif

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fear

Fear is an acronym:   F.E.A.R.   "FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL"   Most of the time, the things we fear are merely false evidence appearing real. Our perceptions will cause us to stop dead in our tracks. We are afraid of what we believe might happen.   It is when we boldly step forward IN SPITE OF OUR FEARS that we grow and expand ourselves as human beings.   Once we do that, we will never return to the smaller person that we used to be, because we will be BIGGER than our fears.   A fear, once conquored, is never to be feared again
luvlif

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dresses

Fri I went to drop off pap work & he saw me in brown tank top w plunging neckline ...I said I had to get back to new recruit (Cute)one)..he called screaming....but 1st tried to controll himself. When I called Sat he was gentle when I said"still mad @ me?":whoo: Mon he was v subdued @ mtg til I started gazing @ his mouth, ear lobe, eyes,& finally...nipple....then moved from behind the chair so I could gaze @ his fav spot!...called back & fourth sev times bec he was turned on!
luvlif

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DON'T QUIT

Don't Quit   When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down,   And you feel like the biggest failure in town.   When you want to give up just because you gave in,   and forget all about being healthy and thin.   So What! You went over your points a bit,   It's your next move that counts...So don't you quit!   It's a moment of truth, it's an attitude change.   It's learning the skills to get back in your range.   It's telling yourself, "You've done great up till now.   You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow."   It's part of your journey toward reaching your goal.   You're still gonna make it, just stay in control.   To stumble and fall is not a disgrace,   if you summon the will to get back in the race.   But, often the struggler's, when loosing their grip,   Just throw in the towel and continue to slip.   And learn too late when the damage is done,   that the race wasn't over...they still could have won.   Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow,   but facing each challenge will help you grow.   Success is failure turned inside out,   the silver tint in a cloud of doubt.   When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit,   If you bite it, you write it....But don't you quit! - Author Unknown
luvlif

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control freak mother, secretive behavior,& obesity

Mom's controling beh has cost me a lot in life, including my weight issues, secretive behavior, not moving forward w my only sweetheart, the love of my life, Alissa said I behave the way I do w food to stuff my emotions and not feel them...since last nite I 've been teary eyed, I told him to-day that I owed him an apology, that I know I had been difficult for the last month & it had nothing to do w him, it had to do w my mother and how controlling she was & she wanted me to pack up & go to India to live w her, he got very soft & heard me out. He didn't say a word later when ralph left the room he just lay his head back & closed his eyes, he looked drained. Alissa said there is a link between emotional eating & controlling mothers & overweight daughters. People w eating disorders also love secrecy...that's why I love to eat in private, don't open up about my emotions, finances and more...in pathetic efforts to control my life. She said the best thing I could have done was cut off w her, & it's true since my visit to Mumbai,I've gotten worse w my eating....& my relat w him has gotten bad. bec I'm afraid to let anyone in..I'll lose controll of my life...that's my fear! Sartaj Aunty s/w me on Tues & was very supportive of my relationship w him, she asked me why 14 yrs & I told her because it wouldn't have been fair to him to have my kids come before him. He didn't deserve that. Now I have the time to devote & make him #1 in my life. She is right when she said my kids have a right to their own lives just as I had a right to mine at their age & I still resent toxic Mom for expecting me to go take care of her...what damn nonsense!:mad: She shared w me how Zafar her brother told her that at our age life moves very fast. She is also right that I have a right to my own happiness & not to care what people think bec when push comes to shove they don't really care...they are too involved in their own lives! She asked me why I was hesitant & I told her bec he's a control freak @ work...again she wisely said"a man's different in his personal life...don't apply that to how he relates to you"
luvlif

luvlif

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bitches

You are gorgeous. We all suffer from insecurity, even those size 4's do. People that talk about you behind your back are not worth a second thought. They are the flawed ones, not you.   Have you ever heard the saying "fake it till you make it"? I bet if you acted as though you had confidence and were proud of yourself, you would soon realize that it is you who is seeing you the way that you do and not others. Walk tall girl, you are very special, you just need to believe it and reflect it.
luvlif

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bette blackwell's # and mine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~WEIGHT.....BMI.....POUNDS LOST lost FIRST APPOINTMENT.....376.......54 1st apt 271 wt lbs total DAY OF SURGERY..........350.......50.2....26day of surg 265 7 1 MONTH.....................330.. ....47.3....46 1 month 247 18= 25 2 MONTHS....................323......46.3....53 2 months 235 12= 37 3 MONTHS....................319......45.7....57 3 mar 225 230 4LBS = 41 4 MONTHS....................296......42.4....80 4 apr215 5 MONTHS....................286......41......90 5 may205 6 MONTHS....................276.....39.6....100 6 jun195 7 MONTHS....................266.....38.1....110 7 jul 180lbs 8 MONTHS....................252..........36.1........124 9 MONTHS....................245..........35.1........131 10 MONTHS..................231...........33.1........145 11 MONTHS..................227...........32.5........149 1 YEAR........................223...........30.9........160 18 MONTHS..................174...........24.9.........202 2 YEARS.......................163..........23.5..........213
luvlif

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bette blackwell

Bette Blackwell when someone told her she could never have been fat. My first thought was, "Why on earth would anyone CLAIM to be that pretty unhappy, unhealthy, severely obese person if they weren't?" Then I realized that hey - when I look at some of the most recent photos, sometimes *I* don't recognize the "new me" as me.   I told the group that there I times when I FORGET that I'm not in the body of the person I was in almost 2 years ago. That I was standing in line waiting for a stall in the ladies' room last week, looked in the mirror and thought, "WHOA! That's ME!" That I honestly forget sometimes, when I'm not looking in the mirror, that the fat lady, on the outside, anyway, is gone. There's this still-strange-to-me skinny lady, with new-found cheekbones, collarbones and shoulder blades, and thin, almost dainty wrists, living here now.   It's not easy, though. The fat girl still lives here, and she fights with the skinny girl every day. She wants to eat when she's bored, tired, angry, lonely, sad, happy . . . hell, even horny sometimes. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this isn't easy. It's a constant battle between the two of them. Most days, skinny girl wins, but not always. Those moments of defeat are the moments when I find myself looking into my reflection in the water in the loo once again. The flesh may be weak, but the spirit is always unbroken, and I'll get back up and fight again.   Jeez. This is getting far too deep and philosophical for me. It's time for a long bubble bath and then, bedtime.
luvlif

luvlif

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Being fat is lonely.

Being fat is lonely. It wasn't enough to be publically tormented and laughed at throughout school, but the effects later on are painful. As a kid I was not hurt badly, but enough to add emotional scars. I was always the fat girl friend, the one anyone can talk with and hang out with, but never get close to. My friends never called me fat, but those backhanded comments like, "you'd be so pretty if you were skinny (or not so fat... yeah I got that one)". The laughter when sitting down on chairs, that used to creak and moan under my weight... it just killed me. I hated myself, eversince elementary school. I begged my parents to send me to a fat camp when I was in 3rd grade... they finally did the summer before 5th grade. I cried many times after school, just due to people talking about me behind my back. What? Like I didn't know I was fat?   I'm now 133 pounds lighter... but I still feel like people are staring at me, judging me, laughing at me. The only place I feel comfortable is at the hospital and at the gym. Students are more accepting of me now that I'm skinnier, but I'm still the largest person by far. Going out with them, means me and several girls in size 4 hang out... while they get hit on and I'm lonely in the corner. Some of my friends went out (and to be honest, I have to get up at 5:30 am and I couldn't go)... but the thought of being isolated brought back all my self-loathing feelings. I would have gone, but I would have been uncomfortable... especially since they get all dolled up in cute clothes that look good on them and I'm in frumpy jeans/T-shirt that try to cover up my flaws.   It's lonely in the sense of dating. It just doesn't happen, either because I write F*ck Off on my forehead or that my body is that repulsive (or that I convy my self-loathing without words). The guys that I'm attracted to DO NOT like large girls... I know that based on their previous girlfriends. I would never change myself for another person, but it's a shame that a guy I like isn't attracted to me physically... which you need that in addition to the personality component.   Sorry for the sad post. I just feel isolated, still... even though I do "fit" in society better. My perception still gets in the way of my happiness...   I know others can relate, but I just had to vent or share or whatever.Alyssa, sweetheart I can relate. We all can. No one gets to be as big as we are and does not know how it feels to be tormented and hurt and rejected. People always say, "When you lose weight, you are just a smaller version of the person you are right now, so love yourselve for the person you are right now, big or small." Well, that is true and great advice, but how do you love yourself now, when you never loved yourself...ever???!!! This is how, you step away from yourself and approach this as if you were a friend of yours. Okay? So you are not Alyssa, you are a friend of Alyssa's. What are the things you love about Alyssa? Why is she your friend? What do you think is beautiful about? And so on... Sound corny? Beleive me, it works. I swear. It gets you to focus on something other than what YOU don't like about yourself and start to see what OTHERS do like about you. Now, regarding men, babe they have super sensitive radars to woman with low confidence. Some of them pray on that and are like preditors waiting for an easy mark. Others don't want to get involved because they don't want to hurt you. So, they stear clear. Let me say, some men are just plain intimidated by a tall, curvy Goddess. ( happens all the time to me...lol ) Nothing and I mean NOTHING, not perky big boobs, bootylisious beyonce booty, not legs for miles, is as sexy as a confident woman. So, don't beat yourself up. Take this time to learn yourself all over again. Learn to love yourself, care for yourself and respect yourself. If you do, he will too. If you don't, you will attract every doornob from here to East Jabip!!! Think about some therapy. It can (in a very short time) work miracles. Okay and my last thought....you are never alone. God loves you Alyssa and so do we. WE are here when ever you need. Just reach out....
luvlif

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BEFORE & AFTER

"So many dreams at first seem impossible. And then they seem improbable. And then when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable." Christopher Reeve   The Body Achieves what the Mind Believes Nothing tastes as good as getting to goal feels! Desire is the missing element for most of the people who fail.
luvlif

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be willing

Be Willing.   For anything worth having, anything of value, there is a price to pay. If there were no price, there would be no value. The price is not arbitrarily imposed on the thing of value. The price is in fact a big part of what gives it the value.   If diamonds were scattered around on the ground everywhere, they would be worth no more than pieces of gravel. The rarity of diamonds, and the resulting price that must be paid to obtain them, are what make them so valuable.   Trying to obtain something of value without paying the price will only lead to frustration and disappointment. Much of the misery in the world today is the result of such misguided quests.   For anything of value, be willing to pay the price. Be grateful and enthusiastic about paying the price. Because without the price to pay, there is nothing of value.
luvlif

luvlif

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ARE YOU TAKING LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY?

There ain't much fun in medicine, but there's a heck of a lot of medicine in fun.   - Josh Billings, 19th Century Humorist Are You Taking Life Too Seriously?   When was the last time your doctor told you to stay home and watch "Seinfeld"? Or suggested a night out at the circus? Or told you to play fetch with a dog? It probably hasn't happened, but the day may not be far off. Laughter and fun are great ways to break down the walls of stress, preventing both mental and physical damage. Play time loosens up joints constricted by tension and poor posture. It brightens your attitude and is a healthy outlet for the most troubled thoughts. Even during our time off, it seems like we still spend a lot of time working- as a handyman, chauffer, mechanic, negotiator, therapist, cook, activist, or whatever is called for. Next time you're starting to feel the strain, think about how long it's been since you just played for the fun of it. It might be longer than you think. Then go buy yourself a toy.
luvlif

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8/9 208.5!

another few days & my new pants will fit! visualizing myself at goal!
luvlif

luvlif

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8/8 208.7 YES!

A restrictive device gave me complete freedom from the prison that had held me captive: food. WILLO SAID MY JOURNALLING IS WHAT IS MAKING ME SUCCESSFUL IN SHEDDING THE LBS....I HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE BY DOING THAT.
luvlif

luvlif

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8/7/06 210.1

MY SIZE 10 WHITE BILL BLASS CAPRIS FIT! I LOVE THEM! I WALKED ALL AROUND YALE CAMPUS W RUBU YESTERDAY. GOT MY HAIR DONE ON SAT THE OWNER OF HEADCUTTERS DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME. WENT TO GEISS'S OFFICE W CARMELA & NANCY. GEISS,JOANNE, JOY,& KATHY SAID I LOOK GOOD. GEISS TOLD ME I MAKE HIS DAY EVERYTIME HE SEES ME & HOW WELL I'M DOING. WENT TO SUNRISE LAB TO DAY & THE LAB TECH LOOKED @ ME & SAID "HI SKINNY I SAW YOU IN THE DUNKIN DONUTS PARKING LOT & I COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW THIN YOU ARE! GEORGIA FROM NEXT DOOR TOLD ME HOW GOOD I LOOK ON SATURDAY
luvlif

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8/12 206.1

206.1LBS! ...4.5LBS IN A WEEK I LOVE MYBAND! CHICKEN CORN SOUP IS VERY HELPFUL TOO. I'M HOVERING AROUND 600CALS A DAY GOAL 4LBS SHED A WEEK, 16 IN 4 WEEKS: 202LBS BY SAT 8/19 198LBS BY SAT 8/26 194 BY SAT SEPT 2 GOAL 194 BY SEPT 2 178 BY SEPT 30 162 BY OCT 28 146 BY NOV 25 FAI'S B.DAY 140 BY DEC 9TH
luvlif

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7/5

I can feel my hip bones on my sides! It's great to catch myself in the mirror and see a thinner me constantly & know that I'm finally liberated from morbid obesity...what a lovely feeling it is to be able to give away my size 16 clothes & to now put on bras that once did'nt fit...now they are loose. It's great to have the problem of what great outfit am I going to wear to-day! The band works if you work w it! And if you don't you will see your reflection in the toilet bowl! now that's a given!
luvlif

luvlif

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7/26 212.8LBS V.RESTRICTED!

:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: MY SIZE 10 OLD NAVY CAPRIS NOW FIT! YES! :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: I FIT A SIZE 12 MAY 27TH I'LL BE A SIZE 8 SEPT 27 I'LL BE A SIZE 6 NOV 29 ! 2 WEEKS BEFORE MY 1 YR ANNIVERSARY:clap2:   YESTERDAY MY BEIGE LIZ CLAIB. SILK JACKET FIT.
luvlif

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7/24/07

TUESDAY 7/24 I LOOK THINNER:clap2::kiss2: 150LBS BY LABOR DAY :)BRUNCH:3 TURK MEATBALLS & SAUCE 200 LUNCH:TERIYAKI CHICK 160 = 360 2 PLUMS 90 = 450 SNACK: GRAHAMS 100 = 550 5.30 NOT VERY HUNGRY :clap2: DINNER: TERIYAKI CHICK 160 =710 WEDNESDAY 7/25 BRUNCH 3 TURK MEATBALLS& SAUCE 200 LUNCH CHICK CORN SOUP 200 = 400 DINNER TERIYAKI CHICK 160 = 560
luvlif

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7/21

DO I WANT TO BE A THINNER FAT PERSON? OR DO I WANT TO BE A THIN PERSON? I WANT TO BE A THIN PERSON 155LBS.
luvlif

luvlif

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