Two Year Anniversary
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It’s been an amazing journey of many highs and some pretty low lows. I wouldn’t trade a second of it for anything. I am a new person because of my band.
Looking back, it really was the decision that I was worthwhile enough to take care of my health and sanity that changed my life. I was researching the bypass when I remembered seeing something on the news a year or so ago about this “band”. It didn’t take me long to discover the alternative to dissecting my stomach and forever changing the landscape of my digestive system.
I was in the right place at the right time and all it took was one phone call and I was considered for the FDA trials for a new type of band in the US- the Swedish Lap Band. From the time I called the surgeon’s office to the date of surgery was only two weeks. My surgery was free. My follow up is free. I understand how huge this is, now that I have read other’s stories of sacrifice. I know that I was simply lucky. There is no other explanation.
I steeled myself by researching everything I could about it and the other types of bands. I learned quickly the pros and cons and I decided that the positives far outweighed the negatives- with bypass or staying fat. I was still terrified of what would happen. I still am sometimes. I don't know what it's like to shop in a regular store or get a bunch of attention for my appearance.
I am a slow loser- but having never been thin in all my life, I think this is the way it was supposed to happen to me. I have time to adjust to this new body. I have time to adjust to the way that people treat me; the way I treat myself.
Everything has changed. I am no longer the same person. Yes, I still have the same morals and values; I still have the same heart that beats in my body and in my soul. But I have changed. I have stopped beating myself up for simply being me. I have stopped those tapes that told me over and over again that I was a failure and I’d never amount to anything. I have changed those tapes to say things like "so, you didn't make the best decision, you'll do better next time".
I have become more compassionate and considerate of others and their struggles. I think I was always so tightly wound up in my own pain that it left little room to truly feel the pain that others feel. I also have become much more compassionate with myself.
I have discovered that confidence really does make your eyes twinkle and your skin radiant. Good skin care products don’t hurt- but before I wouldn’t have spent the money on them because I didn’t think I deserved them.
"Ha", is what I say now. I deserve the best.
My relationship with food is drastically different. When I have good restriction, food is a bothersome necessity. I’m too busy to eat. When I don’t have good restriction, the demon is back and from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed I obsess over what I will eat next.
I’ve asked Penni to help me post some pictures. I still haven’t figured out how. That’s another thing I’ve changed- I can ask for help now. I know that I can’t do everything myself. I know that I am not perfect and no longer expect that from myself.
Dating is a whole new struggle now. Many of you have read my stories on here of love and loss…and I still have so much to learn. I fall easily and fast…and I am working on why and how to slow down. I have learned that “this guy” isn’t the last guy in the world that is going to show me attention- there are plenty more out there. When I was heaviest I would put up with horrendous treatment just so I wouldn’t feel alone. I would compromise my feelings and needs (and safety) so I wouldn’t be left. What I now realize is that I am a whole person without a guy in my life. And I am a much better partner and friend because I am whole. I also am a lot more fun, that’s for sure!
I just can’t say enough about the changes in my life. If you are a newbie to all of this- know that *you* are worth the journey. If you are just recently banded- know that it will get easier. If you’re a year or so out- know that there will come a day when you are too busy thinking about your life that you forget you have a band and you take a HUGE bite and you are quickly reminded. Habits form, and they make up a whole new life.
I’ll stop pontificating now. If you are still reading, thank you. I have found that telling my story is freeing. It also is a way that I can use the pain that I used to feel everyday about myself to help others. I also can see how far I have come and Celebrate where I will be in another year.
Thanks to all of you for your support the last two years. I couldn’t have done it without you.
Megan