Hello - I've floated in and out of this website several times during my 6.5 month journey.

I'm at the point where I have met all my requirements I'm just waiting on insurance approval. Over these months I've lost 24lbs that I'm quite proud of having done.

Few people know what I'm doing parents, boss, HR manager and two very close friends. I dream of playing softball on the company team again, riding a roller coaster with my godsons, getting on a plane knowing I won't be imposing on some person stuck in the middle seat.

Today solidified a part of why I'm doing this -

I was promoted a few months a go and 'they' have decided to update the website with new VPs photos. I declined the meeting request but they sent the two other VPs down to my office today to round me up for a photo - I refused. Later, I was talking with the HR manager about it. You see I had to do a bit for an in house training video last week and when it was played back I had to fight the tears. I swear I looked like Jaba the Hut. Sure I had on nice clothes, makeup good hair do and all but still all I could see was the big full face with the fat neck, broad shoulders, arms that are so big that they hang out from my body - awful, disgusting. It was played at an all staff meeting this week. I kept thinking these people know me, know I'm nice friendly would do anything for them. They don't see me as a fat slob.

Back to the picture on the internet/website that's public and people will see it that don't know me. I'm afraid and scared of what they will say or judge me by my cover. Yes I know don't judge a book by a cover but it happens people so don't hate on that okay?

So, when I'm talking to the HR manager today explaining how I felt when the troops were sent in to force me to a picture for the web (which I refused) she said - Oh Tina but you have such a pretty face.

I hate that comment - I've heard all my adult life. Nothing else about me matters apparently - I myself can't be pretty -just the face. Just like when I'm wearing a new dress I get "what a pretty dress" - really the dress is pretty?

I wish I could be the pretty one, not my face or my clothes just me, plain ole me.

I started at 378 down to 354 at 5'11" I also hear you don't weigh that much - really? hey could I give you about 200lbs of weights to haul around all day? let's see how your knees and back handle it and just for shits and grins - wear heels.

I'm much more than a pretty face - watch out folks I hope to band in December!

I also have one of those pictures from 100 lbs ago. Don't people think about what they say first. Who wants to hear about how pretty they used to be. Once my picture got hit on by one of my boyfriend's friends. Guess he couldn't recognize me. Makes you feel like poo. I'll be glad to do simple things like wear a belt. Or go out with my friends again. They think I'm a party pooper, but they don't understand how it makes you feel when you don't look like everyone else. I have break downs in the dressing room just looking for an outfit. Good luck on your journey!

I really like the idea of having a "funeral" and "cleansing ritual". Tell me more about this. I have my first appointment with the surgeon today. I will probably be banded in early Dec. I wan't to have a funeral for the old me also and to begin my new journey. Any ideas?

You have hit it right on for alot of us Tina, we all are there or have been there. I too am tall and carry my weight to where people don't know what my real weight is. I work with full day kindergartners and it's all I can do to stand all day and keep up with them. I have to have a badge with my pic on it, and I hate it. I hate what I let myself get to.

I'm getting my band on November 25th, I start my pre-op Tuesday. Good luck and I hope ur journey is a good one.:thumbup: