I was banded 9/08. Lost 40 pounds in 4 months. Have stayed the same with maybe a 1 to 2 pound swing either way. I swear I am self-sabatoging. People started saying they could tell I was losing, had to buy new clothes, could bend over easier, etc. You would think that would all be motivators. Not for me! It's like, OMG, I am losing weight, now time to eat cookies. What the heck is wrong with me? I really am beginning to think that somewhere deep in me there is this sick thought process that says I am not worth being a normal weight. It sounds stupid even typing this but it is not a joke to me. Since I have not lost any weight in months, I am finding myself thinking things like "see, not even lapband can help you lose weight" or "why did I even go through all this when it is not going to work for me". A friend suggested that maybe I need to talk to someone, a therapist, psychologist or something. Any opinions? Anyone else experience this?

I think you know the answer to this; if you believe you have a mental block against losing then yes, definitely therapy can help you if you're willing to work on the issues.

I, personally, feel like counseling can only do good, (if it's a good counselor). So, if you're questioning needing counseling, seeing one is probably a good thing... even if they are just a sounding board to your own fears. Sometimes just getting things off of your chest helps.

I have a friend that was not ready to be happy. She had been very heavy since the age of 11 and finally got a gastric bypass. She had been in counseling for years but never shifted, she was always doom and gloom and verging on hypochondria. She dropped weight, after the bypass, in no time but is now an alcoholic.

The moral of this story is that everyone deserves to be happy and, if you're not, counseling will help *if* you're receptive to it and READY to heal. She still isn't ready, and maybe never will be, but I hope she will at some point.

(I always recommend the "Dance of Intimacy" to anyone that is feeling badly, especially if family, or relationship, issues are part of the problem. It's by Harriet Goldher Lerner, I believe, and it is AWESOME!)

I hope you also will feel like you deserve to be happy and healthy and that you can work through this and be pleased with yourself. For starters, maybe focus on the fact that you have lost weight and kept it off, that's awesome! :thumbup:

If you focus on what you HAVE done and what you CAN be proud of things will shift and pessimism will slowly be blocked by positive reinforcement. Focusing on how poorly you have done and what you still haven't accomplished, though, is definitely a self defeating cycle.

I hope this helps and isn't "preachy". I come from a family of counselors so this type of discussion is a norm at family gathering. :wink: My husband was floored when he moved up and saw what dinner was like at our house! LOL

Keep up the great work, of sustaining your weight, even if the positive thinking and counseling just help you become less stressed that should help you break the barrier.

Best of luck with this wonderful tool and being happy, I am sure you can do it.

Shannon

I would suggest talking to your Dietitian…I just had a meeting with mine and that was one of the issues that came up… She made it very clear to myself and two others in the room…IF YOU GO MORE THAN 3 WEEKS WITH NO WEIGHT LOSS “I” NEED TO SEE YOU!...

But every situation is different and I wish you the best!

Years ago, when I was at my thinnest (after nearly starving myself and losing 30 lbs in 6 weeks), I bought a denim mini skirt. That mini skirt attracted male attention--attention that I was not comfortable with! I unconsciously put on 5lbs--just enough that the mini skirt no longer fit--and then I felt a wierd sense of relief that I didn't have to wear that skirt again! Fat has some benefits that we often don't want to admit we're ok with: fat lets us be in the background; fat says I don't have to compete fashion-wise, sex-wise, friends-wise, work-wise; fat says I'm off the market sexually and will be a faithful wife; fat says I can get by with just being the funny one; fat says I'm motherly and nurturing; fat says I'll be the one that survives a famine; fat can make me feel larger that life; fat can make me feel protected and shielded...! Fat can bury so many emotions and protect us from ourselves and/or our pasts. As the weight comes off, we begin the excavation of our past selves, and that can be very uncomfortable. Yes, if you have access to affordable therapy, by all means do so! If you get help from reading, I would recommend anything by Geneen Roth (I might not have spelled her first name exactly right), The Dance of Anger (don't remember the author), and a book that I think is called, The Fat is in Your Head. We are all so much more than just our bodies. Good luck!

I think it's great that you are trying to get in tune with your emotions and figuring out your behaviors. A therapist could be a great resource to you on this journey. Insurance usually covers all or a significant portion of the fee, so it's worth looking into. You are obviously a strong person since you decided to change your life by getting the surgery, a counselor will listen to you and help you reach your goals. I would definitely check it out! Good luck!

I was banded 9/08. Lost 40 pounds in 4 months. Have stayed the same with maybe a 1 to 2 pound swing either way. I swear I am self-sabatoging. People started saying they could tell I was losing, had to buy new clothes, could bend over easier, etc. You would think that would all be motivators. Not for me! It's like, OMG, I am losing weight, now time to eat Cookies. What the heck is wrong with me? I really am beginning to think that somewhere deep in me there is this sick thought process that says I am not worth being a normal weight. It sounds stupid even typing this but it is not a joke to me. Since I have not lost any weight in months, I am finding myself thinking things like "see, not even lapband can help you lose weight" or "why did I even go through all this when it is not going to work for me". A friend suggested that maybe I need to talk to someone, a therapist, psychologist or something. Any opinions? Anyone else experience this?

you and I must be related. I do the exact same thing. I kinda know where this comes from, I just don't know what to do with it. So in response to knowing my behaviors and weightloss I am going to see a counselor on Monday. I know that BEFORE I get banded I need to work on these issues. I want to have the most success I can so I decided it is time... I am almost 42 and I have learned a lot about myself in the last couple of years.

Maybe you should try a counselor and I personally am going to look up that book "dance of intimacy".

Thank you for posting your feelings you made me think about myself

Willowcat -

What a post! I have been overweight for so long that I never put any thought into why -I just was. I used to watch Dr.Phil and no matter what the behavior I would see him say "what is the pay off for you doing this"? I thought he was nuts - why would I choose to be heavy?? Well when I started the lapband process I really dug down and did some thinking and discovered being fat allowed me to hide from a lot of personal issues in my past that I didn't take the time to deal with (the same period in my life where I gained the weight - duh!) - it was easire and more comforting to eat than deal with life..

So far I feel I'm handling the process well, but if for any reason I am struggling with either my loss (self sabotage) or have any emotional issues, I won't hesitate to see someone. Not only is this a huge physical change we are going through, but a very emotional one as well. We are seeing people in the mirror that we may not have seen for decades. It certainly is a journey of discovery.

Fat has some benefits that we often don't want to admit we're ok with: fat lets us be in the background; fat says I don't have to compete fashion-wise, sex-wise, friends-wise, work-wise; fat says I'm off the market sexually and will be a faithful wife; fat says I can get by with just being the funny one; fat says I'm motherly and nurturing; fat says I'll be the one that survives a famine; fat can make me feel larger that life; fat can make me feel protected and shielded...!

Willowcat -

You hit the nail on the head. If I lose the weight, I will no longer have that easy out of "it's not me, it's their bias against the weight. If I wasn't fat, they wouldn't reject me/treat me that way/ whatever." I am definitely going back to therapy! I was in therapy before, but after a point, just kept running into the obstacle of my weight and felt I needed to start dealing with that before I could really progress. I would recommend therapy for anyone who is interested in it - it does work if you are really committed to overcoming and changing!

You're not alone - I'm right there with you on this one. It feels awesome when people notice I'm losing weight, and on the surface I don't want to be fat. But I, too, reach for a cookie or I'll go on a mini-binge and eat anything that'll go down easy. And I have those same dark thoughts that you do.

And... part of me is scared that my addiction will turn to something else unhealthy. I remember seeing on ...sixty minutes or one of those shows - the story of a lady who had gastric bypass, kicked her addiction to food, but now is addicted to shopping and she spends way beyond her means. She's in deep debt. And the previous comment talked about a lady that's now an alcoholic. What will I turn into? And right now I can blame all my inadequacies on being fat. That's why I don't have a man. I say my boss can't see past it and that's why I am stuck in a dead-end job. It's why I can't do very many activities with my kids, because I get tired so easily. It's why I don't go out much, because I don't like to be the only fat girl in the group. But I think I'm just hiding.

Well, I'm not trying to hijack your post or anything, but I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I'm gonna check out some of the reccommended books and try to work this out on my own. Counseling isn't an option for me, but I believe there are things we can do on our own that can be very therapeutic.

I'm reading "When Food is Love" by Geneen Roth right now. My therapist reccomended it to me.

Maybe it's because I've been in NYC for so long, but I firmly believe that every single person who is open to going to therapy can benefit from it. Go for it! Try it out, and if it's not for you, you don't have to keep going.

I seriously think of therapy as a little luxury I do for myself. . like a mani/pedi for the psyche. It's so nice to have an hour to just b*tch about or contemplate whatever is on your mind. I find that it helps me get my own thoughts in order, check my perspective, and is a good block of time to figure out how I want to handle difficult situations. I once spent an entire session figuring what I'd say to a former boss (who I felt should be advancing me more quickly) in a review. Then, when the time came, I was able to be articulate, advance my points, and behave really professionally and unemotionally.

I know that's not strictly relevant to your issue, but my guess is that you are going to find that therapy helps with a whole host of things, in addition to the self-sabotage issue.

Hang in there!

Catherine

OMG! I am not alone. It is really hard for me to keep in check my cravings and my need for self sabotage. Yet, I am seemingly so proud of myself for the 63 pounds I have lost. It almost at times makes no sense. Just tonight I reached (successfully, unfortunately, for a small snickers) and ragoons. I do not know what drives me. All I know is I have 110 lbs. to lose yet and I do not want to be fat anymore. I will hopefully continue. My problem is I get to 60 lbs and then I start sabatozing. I have done it with every diet and now it seems I am going to do it with the band too. I really am hoping that I will find enough restriction with the band where eating too much will not be an option. Until then I will keep trying to keep my self in check.

Fat has some benefits that we often don't want to admit we're ok with: fat lets us be in the background; fat says I don't have to compete fashion-wise, sex-wise, friends-wise, work-wise; fat says I'm off the market sexually and will be a faithful wife; fat says I can get by with just being the funny one; fat says I'm motherly and nurturing; fat says I'll be the one that survives a famine; fat can make me feel larger that life; fat can make me feel protected and shielded...!

Willowcat -

You hit the nail on the head. If I lose the weight, I will no longer have that easy out of "it's not me, it's their bias against the weight. If I wasn't fat, they wouldn't reject me/treat me that way/ whatever." I am definitely going back to therapy! I was in therapy before, but after a point, just kept running into the obstacle of my weight and felt I needed to start dealing with that before I could really progress. I would recommend therapy for anyone who is interested in it - it does work if you are really committed to overcoming and changing!

yes I use it as a barrier, a cusion, etc Yup this is me, My Dr Phil and what is your pay off......... I start counseling MONDAY! AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

I have had a rough day... confronting my eating disorder niece who has been living with me for 6 months. After finding a raw potato that fell out of her back back......... We had a good talk......... we both cried together........ good bonding moment. I love her so much. She is 19 and I am afraid for her.

As I posted in another thread yesterday, a smart person in my WLS support group says, "The surgeon does the stomach surgery, but you have to do the brain surgery."

My bariatric nurse talked a lot about "addiction switching," the phenomenon mentioned above where someone who used to be addicted to food "switches" to alcohol, compulsive shopping, or even drugs or sex.

So in other words, therapy yay! It's just putting one more tool in your weight loss toolbelt.

Wonderful topic, all, thanks for the multiple well thought responses. I didn't start the post but have enjoyed reading the comments!

I personally feel similarly to others about the sexual attention nervousness. I am hoping, now that I have been married for almost 13 years, that those fears will be lessened as I don't feel that I *need* the attention. I like people finding me beautiful or even attractive but that look with objectification within it has always made my skin crawl. Could be because I am fairly femministic. :frown:

I met my husband on a BBW website, (big, beautiful women), so I had that distance/safety level before meeting him in person. I have MUCH better luck with dating when I met the guys online, as silly as that sounds. I could make my profile as "tough" as I wanted it to be, to keep the abusers at bay. It worked. I got 3 great guys and had a blast with each of them.

Due to this "pre-emptive screeening", (between e-mailing and hone calls), I knew the guys fairly well and got that awkward state of, "does he like me?" out of the way.

I know online dating ins't for all and it can be VERY dangerous, if not handled cautiously, but I am so glad that I tried it. I was at my heaviest, to that date, when I joined.

The down side is that I got a husband that is SO acceptable of my weight that I have gained without remorse or fear of losing him. That is why I want to remedy this.

I want my children to feel proud of their mother, when their friends meet me. I want to be able to keep up with their athletic activities. I want my husband to be a tiny bit jealous once in a while, (as horrible as that sounds).

Being a work-at-home Mom and being 15 feet from the kitchen 24-7 has not been a good option for me but I have done it, for a long time now. I am ready to be done with that, though, and either shift into a new space or shift my time somehow. I have to be away from food, even if I get the band, the temptation is too great. Business is good but I just don't know if it's good *enough* to warrant renting a space or building an addition or shed etc..

Thanks again for the discussion and ideas!

Shannon