When will people learn?

I'm really PO'd so I hope this makes sense......

I have very low (if any) self-esteem and it stems from my upbringing.

I love my family dearly, my Mom is the best but she is really screwed up in the head when it comes to certain things. She never has anything nice to say to any of her kids and me being no exception (I'm the youngest of 7). My entire life I've been fat and from the time I can remember I was always put down for it, this coming from every member of my family at one time or another.

I see my Mom every day b/c my sister who lives with her babysits my DD.

Almost every stinkin day, my Mom STILL!!! says something negative to me. If its not my hair, its my clothes, I look tired, or I cooked something wrong, I mean its always something.

She would say things like.... "gee, does your husband REALLY like your hair like that?" "does he every say anything to you about your weight" or "are you going to wear THAT to work today?, would you like to borrow something from me (yeah, like I'm gonna fit into a size 10 for crying out loud)" and here I thought I looked nice. She'd say "clothes should hang on you, don't show your rolls" (everything I wear IS a freakin tent as it is).

When I was younger, we've gotten into some pretty nasty fights so I've learned to just give her a look and walk away (I have jumped down her throat many time, so many times that you say to yourself, whats the sense).

The other day after work I went to pick up my daughter and she was napping in the bedroom. I decided to let her sleep a bit so I went in the living room so I wouldn't bother her. There I am sitting there on the couch and my Mom comes up to me, looks at my stomach and says, your fat, you need to go on a diet. So I said to her "NO SH*T SHIRLOCK" and I just shook my head.

I told my (heavy) sister the next day what she had said and my mom who was standing right there said to me, "well its better that it comes from your mother than a stranger" (WHAT THE???) I said "whats wrong with you, your my mother. I get treated better from strangers then my own family." THEN GET THIS !!!! she was cooking dinner and I was on my way out the door with my DD when she came running towards me with not one but TWO cheeseburgers on a plate. My head was about to explode... I said "no thanks Mom, I'm fat enuf REMEMBER!!!" Then she said "ohhhhh go ahead, eat it." I felt like saying a few other nasty things to her but I walked out.

She does this to my sister as well, she'll call us fat and then give us a greasy plate of food, like she wants us to fail.

Why do people thrive on hurting others?

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Hugs

Oh, sweetie, I feel your pain! First I want to say, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You don't deserve it. Nobody does.

Second, the answer to your question "Why do people thrive on hurting others?" is because they are afraid. They think they will feel bigger if they can make those around them feel smaller. Your mom is one of many who believe "A good offense makes a great defense." If she strikes out first, you are too busy defending to mount any attack.

The next time she says something, and sadly we both know she will, try this: "Mom, do you hear yourself? Are you aware of how mean you are? You just pick and pick and pick, don't you?" While she's sputtering you can walk away.

You can also try telling her some facts that used to make my mom speechless:

"You know, one nice thing about being fat is that it helps keeps my face from getting wrinkles." and "I hope you're talking to your doctor about osteoporosis. Of course, I don't have to worry about that. Bone density is one of the areas where it's better to be heavy."

You might want to pick up a copy of Suzette Haden-Elgin's "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense." Try Abebooks.com or Alibris.com or one of the other used book search engines. It will help you to recognize and avoid falling into the traps of some of those passive-agressive statements your nearest and dearest like to use.

I am so sorry that you have to live through this. It makes me so sad to hear that people do this. My mom would give me a plate of food but that was when I was upset about what other people said about me. Hang in there.

I hope my psychology degree will help here...somehow your mother is displacing her guilt, anger and whatever pent up negativity she has in her own life and putting it out on you. Perhaps, it's because you actually "care" about what she has to say, or you take it to heart that she knows she can continually use you as her scapegoat for not living the life she perhaps wanted to live in the first place. Perhaps, you may ask her "Why" she became a parent, if by her actions she seems not so happy about her life. I have come to find those that pick on others are not happy in their life, that somehow the victims are a mirror of what they don't like about their selves. Maybe you have a great family life, good husband, you like your job and you are independent whereas your mother was stuck home with 7 kids...I mean I can't be the judge of what is going on since I do not know the whole story and just basing my opinion according to what you have provided.

First, you can stop taking it personal....somewhere there is something down deep that is causing your mother angst and she is taking it out on you. You know who you are and if you are okay with yourself then allow her hurtful words to bypass you. Maybe when there is a time where things are not so hectic you can ask her why she feels so impelled to call you on your weight or always say something negative...if she doesn't believe that she does this then secretly record her and then play back the tape. People who say hurtful things honestly have no freaking idea of what they are saying is hurtful, but once you play it back...boy, do they realize!!! I've done this before and it works.

Second, if after you have kindly talked to her and if to no avail she doesn't get the big picture...then do as THUMPERS MOTHER SAID: If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all....perhaps your mom will understand something as simple as that.

Remember, it's not you...it's her! She has a problem, she's unhappy and unhappy people rarely have anything positive to say. Try and find out the key that will open up her pent up feelings and perhaps you can go from there.

I wish you all the best and I hope you can learn not to take to heart your mothers negativity. If you allow yourself to be hurt all the time, chances are you may do this to your own children later on in life...its a nasty cycle so be the one that breaks it.

I hope I didn't cause other stress because this is not what I wanted to do, I just wanted to let you know that you are not at fault but that your mother has underlying issues that needs attention.

Take care of yourself...you are a beautiful person!!! It's the heart of a person that shines before others!

Peace be with you!

Kelli

Hi Everyone,

Thanks, I just had to get that off my chest.

Kelli & Kitten, everything you have mentioned, we have tried. Its like talking to a wall, (beating a dead horse) thats why most of the time I just bite my tongue and walk away, its useless. She will never change. I know its not "me" per say, but ya just get sick and tired of it and some days it gets to you more than others.

No matter how rude or kind I am back to her, it just doesn't matter. She's had a really bad life and we all understand, so thats why I (most of the time just turn the other cheek) try to ignore it.

Laura, thanks for the kind words your a doll.

There are some really good qualities in my mom that I want to pass on to my DD, but I can promise you this, I will never, ever tell my DD the things my Mom tells me. The cycle has ended with me and my Mom. If anything I will always praise my daughter and make her feel worthy.

THANK YOU ALL !!!!

Sorry none of those suggestions have worked in the past. You're right about just walking away. You've got to just live your life the best way you know is possible. Just know you have lots of support here and you can talk to us whenever you need to. I know my mother harped on my weight when I was a kid, she died when I was 15 and I wonder what she would have said today knowing that I am really big. However, I know that I can only have control in my own life, I cannot control what others think even when they are hurtful to me. All I can do is learn not to become like them. So, keep your spirits up and we are all here to help you out! Take Care!

You don't happen to still have those ......gulp....burgers lying around....do you?

You don't happen to still have those ......gulp....burgers lying around....do you?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!! TO FUNNY !!!!

Ya know, they did look really good. cheese burgers even.

thanks for the laugh.... I LOVE TO LAUGH !!!!

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I had a very interesting and emotionally abusive childhood myself. I think about the only thing you can do is to realize that SHE is the one with the problem and your sister should know better as well.

I know it is hard to have someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally treat you like that. And even though you are an adult it still hurts. Perhaps she has some deep psychological problem that has been left untreated? Either way please try to keep your head up high, you are doing the best you can do right now and working toward getting a tool that will change your life.

You know in your heart what she did and is doing is wrong. All you can do is protect your daughter and try to bring her up as a strong person with a good self image.

Please remember we are here for you. If you need to talk please PM me.

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

What's wrong with people? I can only answer for myself. I have a good, solid heart, but I come from a long line of mental illness. Sometimes (uh, often) I go off the deep end when I feel it's justified. In your shoes, I would have snapped by now. Time to put Mommy Dearest in her place. My mother looked like a fashion model when I was a fat kid, but she never called me names as a child. Now that she's FAT, she goes around barking that I need to be a Vegan like she is. Last time we spoke she started ranting about my choice of white rice instead of her staple, brown rice. I finally went off and told her she ain't no Jane Fonda. She's over 250 pounds, yet she's telling people how to eat based on what she looked like 20 years ago? Ever since I mentioned Jane Fonda she's kept her trap shut.

Sometimes you have to speak up. Next time she makes a negative comment, remind her that being surrounded by daily negativity makes you want to eat. Tell her if she wants to help you, try paying you a compliment or keep your trap shut, Old Woman!

Thanks Carrie & DeLarla, and believe me, I have told her to shut her yap. Like I said its useless, like talking to the wall. My sister is always yelling at her to shut up and one of my other sisters just swallows her pride and walks away.

I love her, I really do. There's nothing she won't do for any of us except keep her comments to herself LOL !!!!

Breath in, and out !! Smile because life is to short

HUGS !!!

Lets see if I can give my poor 2 cents worth...

my mom does the exact SAME thing. Not out of anger or to inflate herself, but out of LOVE. She knows it hurts, but she would rather say it then have a stranger *think* it - then she would feel guilty for not trying to correct us.

Its all about being perfect.

Presenting yourself in a perfect manner.

Perfect size.

Perfect hairstyle.

Perfect tan.

Perfect clothes.

Perfect everything.

I have found that my mom's pride comes from seeing me look good. She feels a sense of accomplishment, that she "did something right".

I got a new hairstyle about 4 weeks ago. I had highlights added, something she has BEEN wanting me to do. So here I am. I lost weight, got a decent tan, now a new hair-do... and my mom says, "Your hair looks better now then ever. NOW you need to get your teeth bleached!"

At one point I thought that now matter what, its never good enough for her. But then I realized that she is just wanting me to have more out of life by physically looking good in everyway possible - something she has never had.

So for my mom, I know that this critizing is genuinely out of love.

A couple of years ago I had to ask Mom in such a kind and humble way to please stop criticizing me. It hurt. Plain and simple. So she backed off.

Sometimes they get in a habit of doing this and dont even realize what they are doing. Therefore WE need to correct THEM.

Just an idea, but maybe telling her this hurts may help her to tone it down.

Sorry that you have this stress in your life. I am glad to see you have a place outside the family to vent & think you attacking it in a very healthy way.

I remember when I was down to a very skinny 149-(10 yrs ago0 & my Mom & sister said-

" WOW you look great! Just think when you loose 5 or so more pounds you'll really look fantastic!!"

Well I gained nearly 110 pounds since then. People are cruel - especially family. My advise- be direct- be kind & be specific on what you want & need. Best of luck!

Im so sorry to hear the verbal abuse that you are getting from your mother!

It's so hurt full My dad was the same way only worse... my poor sisters got it the worest

because they were older and Large Girls he would call them every fat F... word in the English language plus.. I never wanted you. there is so many! at about the early age I stoped taking with him, and would cross the street when I saw him coming down the road in frount of me......for many years then at 18 I was working up in Dutch harbor alaska on a fishing boat and in a phone call home found out he was dying so I came home. I went to talk with him he started to cry and gave hug told me he loved me for the first time then died in my arms.. the hurt was so bad that my older brother and one sister never even came to see him at the funaral home he was so full of hate he put them in the orphanage years early. I was to young.

I think that verbal abuse is worse the getting hit with a fist. well again Im sorry to hear your pain. maybe try talking with her?

Well take care Most of all God bless you! I will pray for your family and Mother.John

Many years ago, I very nicely told my mother that I would no longer communicate with her when she behaved that way and would need AT LEAST a two day time-out to recover from the verbal assaults.

If she did it when we were on the phone, I'd just hang up (and keep hanging up if she called back) until the two days were up.

In person, I'd just turn around and walk out. Even if we were in the middle of lunch in a restaurant, I'd say, "We're done. I'm leaving. Do you want a ride home?" OR, "We're done. I'm leaving. I'll take a bus back to my car." (I never actually had to do that, she drove me.)

It actually stopped.

It only took a few times, and the phone part lasted longer because she couldn't "read" my responses as well, but it stopped.

The hardest thing coming from a "fat" home is the mental pressure we put on our selves. I recently found a motivating self esteem curriculmn that I facalitate. It teaches how to focus on the positive, set goals, and the affirmation process. I taught a class yesterday, (skinny or fat, the same issues from our youth only their physical stature is different) and I had to explain to a "skinny" girl how to accept and believe a compliment. she had never been complimented and thought it was true. "only saying it" He family only told her negative things and she has less than no self esteem. I wish everyone who suffers from low self esteem could reach this curriculm. If interested further try:thepacificinstitute.com or loutice.com

Why is family so much meaner than friends and why can we say good bye to bad friends but no bad family? Heres to changing that chain reaction and passing the POWER onto our children and grand children.