I'm still upset and it's been a week. Do y'all think I'm wrong to be still upset?

My husband, who is very absent minded, and who really has taken me for granted for years, didn't even get me a birthday card this year. He said he bought two of them back in March and put them away, but then couldn't find where he stashed them when it got close to my birthday. He said that he just didn't think to go buy another card, even when he couldn't find where he put those he had already bought. He said that, if he finds the cards, he figures he can just give them to me for my birthday next year or maybe for my half-birthday. OMG, if he does, I think I'll give him something in return--a right hook.

He said I shouldn't be upset, since he bought cards, he just didn't give them to me. Oh, and he didn't tell me about the cards he bought until the next day, when I was all upset about "something." I had to tell him why I was upset. And no, I didn't get a gift from him. I didn't want a present. I just wanted a card, or at least something to make it seem like it was a special day in some way. It was pretty much a non-day, although he did tell me happy birthday at the end of the day.

I know he knew it was my birthday. He says he knew it was my birthday, he just didn't think that it was a big deal. And anyway, I got a new car a week earlier, so I shouldn't expect a present.

BTW, he got his new car, which was more expensive than mine, a month ago. The price of the cars doesn't bother me. I got the car I wanted. I guess on his birthday which is coming up very soon, I should tell him he got a car several months earlier. And I meant to get a card, or a cake, or a special e-mail, or anything, I just didn't think it was a big deal.

To me, it is a big deal. I'm the one who always wishes people a happy birthday. If I find out when someone's birthday is, I make an entry in my palm pilot with their birthday, that way I get a message a week beforehand, and I can wish them a happy birthday. I've done that for years for just about everyone because I think everyone should have someone, even a casual acquaintance, think of them on their birthday.

I don't know what I'll do on his birthday. I've always done a card, a cake, and a gift. Probably not this year, though.

So, what would your response be?

I am not a birthday/anniversary person. At all. I feel cards are a waste of trees (unless it's someone very far away) and cakes are calories I don't need. I don't think birthdays are a big deal once you get to be an adult. We usually go out to eat, but sometimes not.

If it was an honest mistake, and birthdays are a big deal in your household, then withholding cake, etc is just a bit rash. I mean, punishing him by doing what he did is the equivilant of me biting my son for biting me. Does that teach him not to bite? No. That teaches him it's OK to retaliate against people who hurt you. Try talking to him and explaining why what he did (or, didn't do, in this case) hurt you so much.

Every year I got my Best Guy Friend a birthday card, and every year he forgot mine until I called him at 12:01am the day after my birthday to thank him for remembering.

This year, I did not get him a card, and let the birthday wishes to him pass. Well, he got all pissy with me about forgetting, and this year, he actually remembered my birthday.

Granted, the best guy friend is not the husband, but I would make it clear to him that you just wanted to be appreciated more on your day. Its not only the card, but that he could have done something a little different on your day.

I love my birthday - and the older I get the more I love them! 40 was a blast, 50 was great....on to 60!

Now, to DH, birthdays are...something to be ignored, they are for children - under 16. When we first got together this used to annoy/hurt/infuriate me; now I no longer worry about his lack of enthusiasm (translated, he never remembers, no cards/gift). I still party on! I party on his birthday too - he has usually forgotten about his own, and still comments on 'Why do we need to remember we are aging??"....party-pooper!

Now, the year my mother forgot - that was a different story! And this year, my sister remembered about 4 months (yes, MONTHS) late...I got a great laugh out of it!

Edited September 2, 200817 yr by tapshoes
Another typo - arghhh!

Men are so different from women when it comes to emotional stuff. I for one totally understand how your feeling. When I was growing up, birthdays were always made special in our home and therefore I have always done the same towards my loved ones. On the other hand, I guess it wasn't that big of a deal in my husbands family because he has forgotten mine at different times. He doesn't anymore but the times he did, he knew it had hurt my feelings. I never said anything, he just knows how I feel about everyone having their special day one time a year. I don't care about a gift but there were times you could tell he was in a big hurry to get out of the store when he picked out the birthday card (this is something that hurt more than anything else). I guess I have always tried to find the right kind of card for each person.

I have always celebrated his birthday and thrown many birthday parties for him, my sisters and parents over the years. My sisters and I will always do something for my parents special day but as far as me going out of my way for my sisters, I guess I will leave that to their children to do for them from now on.

I bet if you tell him how much it hurt your feelings he will make an effort to not forget again. I have learned that communication is the key to a long and happy marriage.

When my husband does something like that I just look in the trash can! I see he emptied it the night before. Then I look at my car, which he washes for me. Then I look at the checking account, which he puts his check in each payday.

I decided long ago that we each express our love in different ways. It is better to find, and honor, the way he expresses his love then to try to force him into doing things that simply are not him.

And, I am much happier for it!

Everything littlebit said.

When my husband does something like that I just look in the trash can! I see he emptied it the night before. Then I look at my car, which he washes for me. Then I look at the checking account, which he puts his check in each payday.

I decided long ago that we each express our love in different ways. It is better to find, and honor, the way he expresses his love then to try to force him into doing things that simply are not him.

EXACTLY!!! Or when the litter pans are scooped and cleaned, the car is shovelled out in the winter, the groceries are already bought and put away when I come home from work etc.

I guess since my paycheck goes in too, I clean the trash up that he takes out, and he doesn't wash my car or do the grocery shopping, or clean the litter box.............

I am petty with things like birthday.

Not saying you should be mad, but I would be. And I realize I am petty sometimes, but I grew up where the 'little things' like a card with a sentiment, or leaving a note somewhere, etc.. are important and make me feel really special. If he didn't even acknowledge my birthday I would be fit to be tied.

Maybe you live & learn, I'm still young and demand attention for special occasions.

I guess since my paycheck goes in too, I clean the trash up that he takes out, and he doesn't wash my car or do the grocery shopping, or clean the litter box.............

I am petty with things like birthday.

Not saying you should be mad, but I would be. And I realize I am petty sometimes, but I grew up where the 'little things' like a card with a sentiment, or leaving a note somewhere, etc.. are important and make me feel really special. If he didn't even acknowledge my birthday I would be fit to be tied.

Maybe you live & learn, I'm still young and demand attention for special occasions.

I'm only 3 years older than you. My husband has been deployed, away at training, and just plain gone so much, that we only spent our first anniversary physically together 2 years ago (our 5th anniversary). I'm just grateful that he's here when he's here. :crying:

When my husband does something like that I just look in the trash can! I see he emptied it the night before. Then I look at my car, which he washes for me. Then I look at the checking account, which he puts his check in each payday.

I decided long ago that we each express our love in different ways. It is better to find, and honor, the way he expresses his love then to try to force him into doing things that simply are not him.

And, I am much happier for it!

i appreciate this post!!

hubby and i are not crazed about bdays/anniversary, i'm not expecting a card - because that's not how he is. he surprises me all throughout the year w/unexpected gifts or joys...i'm not hung up in the "hallmark" of life.

it's been a running joke the last few wks that at 40 - i want something BIG....knowing him, i'll get it wk before or wk after.....cause he just does things on "his" time - he's also not a fan of hallmark....

if your husband is not thoughtful throughout the year, expecting it around your bday might be stretch. i've found having expectations that are not shared or communicated leave one of the parties in a relationship with hurt feelings.

I guess since my paycheck goes in too, I clean the trash up that he takes out, and he doesn't wash my car or do the grocery shopping, or clean the litter box.............

I am petty with things like birthday.

Not saying you should be mad, but I would be. And I realize I am petty sometimes, but I grew up where the 'little things' like a card with a sentiment, or leaving a note somewhere, etc.. are important and make me feel really special. If he didn't even acknowledge my birthday I would be fit to be tied.

Maybe you live & learn, I'm still young and demand attention for special occasions.

I'm with FairyFacade. My not so DH expects me to recognize his birthday so I expect the same. It doesn't have to be an expensive give (although he seems to think he should have one:thumbdown:), but he had better acknowledge my birthday. I would be mad.:crying: Since he is absent minded, he needs to start leaving himself notes to remind him of special days. You should not have to tell him when your birthday is after you are married. That is just my point of view. Even if he doesn't make a big deal about his own, if he knows how you feel about yours, then he should make that effort.

Passive-aggressive.

For some reason, my DH usually remembers my birthday. We usually go out to eat, but he thinks cards are dumb. I get one probably 50% of the time. I usually get a gift as well, but NEVER on the actual day. I always hold my breath on my gifts. I never know what I'll get. He certainly isn't consistant. I'll get anything from a spoon rest and oven mit to a string of pearls. (Literally.... I'm not exagerating) I don't always get a gift on our anniversary either, but we ALWAYS try to sneak away for a night or a weekend, just the two of us. That to me is the nicest gift he could give me. I just have to have a sense of humor about it all.......

I can't say my Dh has ever forgotten my bday, however this year he forgot our anniversary. If it was me I would make a BIG deal about his birthday to make him feel bad and keep making him feel bad. Big Jerky jerk!

Men can suck. As for my Dh, he is still a big jerky jerk 4 months later. :redface: