So, I have this coworker, let's call him "Bob". Bob is black. Bob recently came by my desk and saw a picture of myself and my husband. I'm white, my hubby is black. Since then, Bob has made three comments that have disturbed me.

First I should say I don't particularly like Bob to begin with, he's very nice, but he's also very touchy, and I don't like to be touched. He hugs me and high fives me and what not. I haven't figured out how to politely get him to stop that either, but that's another story.

Anyway, the first thing Bob said was "That's your husband? I never would have guessed!"

The second thing Bob said was "You know, Heidi, I like you. Especially now because who I know you go with, I mean, married to." to this I replied "Is everything about race to you?"

and the third thing Bob said... people in the office were talking about popcorn and Bob said he liked popcorn with hot sauce and said pretty loudly, "I know who else likes hot sauce and popcorn, Heidi's husband."

Here's my issue, this guy has never met my husband. I am one to believe that stereotypes are generally made because some population actually fit the criteria. But I don't feel that a person should be judged based on stereotypes. I don't assume my Jewish friend owns a bank or that my hispanic friend is illegal. I don't assume that the black man sitting next to me walks with a limp and raps. It's just obnoxious that Bob seems to think he "knows" my husband based on stereotypes. Besides, the stereotypical black guy profile that Bob assumes could not be farther from my husband. My husband is a professional pianist and got his Bachelor's at the number 2 music school in the country. My husband is a broker in the financial industry, and his hobby is flying. My husband doesn't rap and doesn't even like listening to it. In fact, if anyone is a stereotypical black person in our family it's me.

I guess I'm overly sensitive. My husband has often gotten teased at his family functions for acting white. It bothers me that a person doing well is accused of "acting white" and can't just be doing well and receive a good job from his family.

Ug! Okay, just had to get that out. This Bob is obnoxious. Boo for Bob!

Edited June 3, 200818 yr by MrsFlipFlops
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Screw Bob. Don't let him get to you. I swear sometimes it's hard to know if some people are really idiots or just plain stupid and inconsiderate. I too have a racist (???) co-worker. I just ignore the comments and go about my business. He is not worth the time of day.

Good Luck!

Bob may be insecure with himself, and feels if he "identifies" with someone else it will make him feel better about himself. Some people exaggerate stereotypes about their own culture/ethnicity to hide insecurities.

Also I have experienced the comments your husband has about "acting white". That is an exaggeration statement that unfortunately has deep roots in this country. When black people (or whatever each person likes to be called, African-American whatever) first came to this country we were forced to leave Africa and forced into slavery. No education, no rights, no money, etc. We all know the story, or a version of it. This is true also for the indigenous people that were living in America before the British arrived. To be "white" or whatever was the standard, the ideal, included education and wealth and success. So if a black person wanted to learn how to read, they were "acting white". This was so engrained in slaves that they used to talk about each other because they were brainwashed into believing their place was inferior to the superior majority whites that enslaved them.

I could go on and on, but just wanted to point some things out. We can talk about it of course in more detail but I don't want to bore you or anyone else. It's not necessarily a form of racism...but just an outward expression of inward insecurity. If that makes sense...

Yup, sounds racist to me. What is more disturbing to me, though, is the physical inappropriateness that bob displays towards you. Your company has policies in place that should discourage that kind of thing.

Bob sounds a bit racist..you don't mind him. Sounds like you have a good husband and that's all that matters!!

And if you don't want to deal with him..you shouldn't have to deal with him, so just go to your boss and politely let them know you are uncomfortable witht his comments. And believe me they have to handle it ASAP..

Well, good luck and keep your head up high!!

First, you need to talk to your supervisor and/or HR (don't know how big your company is).

Second, I see no problem in telling Bob to keep his hands and the rest of him to himself. He has NO RIGHT to touch you! He should not be even trying to hug a co-worker. I see no reason to be nice about it. He isn't being very nice imposing himself on you. Also, you don't have to return the high-fives! Leave him hangin' and walk away!!

Third, about the popcorn comment, after he said that I would have come back with something to the effect that since he has never met your husband, he has no idea what your DH likes or doesn't like, then I would've walked away!

Fourth, as to his comment about liking you esp. b/c of who you're married to is absolutely ridiculous! He doesn't even know your DH. If he didn't like him would he still like you? Rhetorical question, I know. Maybe if he says something like that again say, "God forbid, please hate me instead." Again walking away from him immediately.

This guy needs a slap-down! I'd also start documenting every time he makes an inappropriate comment or physical touch. Date, time, comment or touch. And document date, time and brief explanation of conversation every time you report it to a supervisor. Yes, it's a pain in the ass but you also need to show a history if ever it escalates (which of course we all hope it never does!).

Take care and lets hope he goes away soon!

How many black people are there in your office? Maybe he feels like he's the odd one out and having something to identify with or someone to link himself to eases his insecurities. Not that the forms of expression he has chosen are legitimate or acceptable -- I'm just trying to figure out why he is behaving the way he does.

I would definitely either talk to him or talk to your supervisor about the "touch" thing.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Unfortunately, ignorance will always be prevalent unless you decide to educate them. Thing is, its not your responsibility to do that. (Side note: my mom went behind my back and told people that I had the band placed. I told her I was mad because I didnt want anyone to know and I knew that people wouldnt understand the difference between gastric bypass and LapBand. She says "you have to educate them" But I dont WANT to educate them...thats why I didnt tell them!) I dont know what to tell you to do about Bob. I am sure its insecurity and stupidity. A lot of us harbor stereotypes and judgements in our minds (whether we acknowledge them or not). The difference is that intelligent educated people realize that these are not accurate. Good luck.

These were all really good comments. I did decide to talk to Bob about the touching thing... I felt I should give him a chance to let him know I'm uncomfortable with it, I think, before going to a manager or HR. He may just think we're good ole pals, I feel it's only fair to first ask him to stop.

You're probably right that it's due to his own insecurities. There are a several other black men in the office, but the majority of the group is white, with a smattering of hispanic.

Enigma- you're probably right that this is one way to identify with someone or himself and that the exaggeration for effect if you will, is almost a way for him to show that.

For years I've disliked the "acting white" label. I can't tell you how much it hurts me to hear people say that about anyone. My husband and I don't have any kids yet, but I'm a little scared to have them because I'm not quite sure what to teach them about race. I don't care what they want to identify with, be blue- it doesn't matter to me. I just don't want to them to feel rejected from either sides of the fence... realistically they will be. I hate race in this country. I hate racism. I don't want people to be colorblind, I just don't want race to matter. When they ask for my race on an appication, I leave it blank.

Normally I don't even think about this topic this much, but I think with the comments Bob made, it just got me all riled up. My husband and I talk about how we'll present race or deal with racism with our future kids, but that's pretty much the extent of our conversations on race- except the occasional stereotypical joke. You all are right, I should have said something right then and walked away. I have this darn complex of wanting to be liked by everyone and fear I might hurt someone's feelings.

I've dated people from all different backgrounds, but once I was dating a guy from Haiti, whose parents asked (very sincerely, I might add) if he was with me for my credit rating! LOL! I didn't even have good credit then! (Think- college and "free" money from credit cards!)

I'm glad you've decided to talk to him about it first. But be prepared in case it doesn't go well and to take it higher if you need to. I'm not trying to be doom and gloom just giving you what could happen. Let us know how it goes.

As far as you not wanting to hurt feelings, he never thought about your feeling first, did he? Not that you need to be cruel but you also need to speak up for yourself if something is making you uncomfortable.

With your future children, I have those same questions. We are in a different situation in that my DH and I are both white (very white!) and our 2 year old daughter is mixed (she was adopted at 2 days old!). She's Black, Mexican and Italian! Her birthfather is Black and her birthmother is 3/4 Mexican and 1/4 Italian. She has beautiful olive skin, with CRAZY, soft, curly hair! :thumbup:

Anyway, back to ethnicity, what the HECK do we do with that!?! We also live in the mtns and are not near a lot of ethnically cultural opportunities for her. She will definitely know who she is as she gets older but as far as a lot of exposure to other cultures, we're going to have to work on that one! We aren't too worried about doing right by her as a person and as our daughter but we worry about doing right (or maybe enough) in regards to her ethnicity. We also don't want to go overboard and do too much and make it ALL about race since that's not who we are anyway. We don't care about race or what people look like (obviously I guess or we wouldn't have adopted another race or mixed race baby)! Anyway, a happy medium is what we'd like to find but until she's an adult, I guess we won't know how we did on that level.

If you figure it out, let me know!! :confused:

Take care and keep us updated.

Bob being racist is immaterial..you can't feel responsible for everyone else's ignorance. The touching however.... next time he hugs you. a very simple, "sorry, I'm not a hugger" and DONT hug him... That should stop the other stuff or make him think twice anyway. Unfortuabnly some people will always be "high fivers" it annoyes me too but doesnt really invade my personal space so consider it my problem.

Hm...I disagree with racism not being material. It's the same as hugging. It's crossing a line and makes her feel uncomfortable.

And it can be dealt with the same way - tell him it's not acceptable.

I had something happen at work the other day that threw me for a loop. A woman was talking about her dad from Louisiana selling his house. They went back for a visit and the dad's old neighbor was upset with the new owner because he lets "the slaves" up on the porch. According to the dad and the old neighbor, the "slaves" knew better and knew to go around to the back door like all the "darkies."

I was floored and said, "Don't they know in that town that slavery is OVER?"

She said, "But, they don't want to work. They're lazy."

I said, "I don't want to hear talk like that...it's not right, and you WILL NOT talk to me like that." She just walked away and I haven't talked to her since. I just couldn't believe it. They still call them slaves??? Are you kidding?

I'm still reeling from it and want to go running into LA and "fix" it. No, I can't fix their ignorance, or change how they feel, but I can make them aware that it's wrong and not to talk about it with me.

Wow... u know racist is a strong word... I think Bob is trying to fit in... he truly sounds like a dumb azz.... Some people don't hang around people other than what their race is, and it is truly sad.... I have friends from all around the world....and when we see people like bob trying to fit in we say just that.. stop tryin to hard to make friends yr too damn old for that... just be u... and it sounds like he dosent know who he really is.... in my opinion...

Hm...I disagree with racism not being material. It's the same as hugging. It's crossing a line and makes her feel uncomfortable.

And it can be dealt with the same way - tell him it's not acceptable.

I had something happen at work the other day that threw me for a loop. A woman was talking about her dad from Louisiana selling his house. They went back for a visit and the dad's old neighbor was upset with the new owner because he lets "the slaves" up on the porch. According to the dad and the old neighbor, the "slaves" knew better and knew to go around to the back door like all the "darkies."

I was floored and said, "Don't they know in that town that slavery is OVER?"

She said, "But, they don't want to work. They're lazy."

I said, "I don't want to hear talk like that...it's not right, and you WILL NOT talk to me like that." She just walked away and I haven't talked to her since. I just couldn't believe it. They still call them slaves??? Are you kidding?

I'm still reeling from it and want to go running into LA and "fix" it. No, I can't fix their ignorance, or change how they feel, but I can make them aware that it's wrong and not to talk about it with me.

Wow... things like that makes me laugh... because yes u do have people of darker skin that are lazy azzes and other latino's that will work their azzes off to make money to take care of their family's ... and other class of people that are redicilious also... but calling people slaves...wow... violence is not the key but she deserved a mouth shot for that one....lol....

Gloucester, i think your story is WAY WAY WAY WAY, (thousands of ways in fact different from the OP's story.) And in your case the coworker should have been reported (if I didn't slap her silly first) to management. I think the first guy is more an annoying ass then a blatant racist. And I doubt that her saying anything would make much difference, he's likely to just get defensive.. And if the OP already feels uncomfortable around him, making a big deal about everything he does will only make it worse.

True...very true - I agree that he'd get defensive. Sometimes it's not worth the fight, even though we simmer inside about it for a while afterwards.