kinda a long story here...

i had a semi-crappy childhood and have spent the past 6 years on and off in therapy. December 2006 my therapist suggested i confront my mom about things... so i did and my mom stopped talking to me for almost a year no matter how hard i tried to contact her.

a week before christmas 2007 my mom invited me to spend christmas with the entire family. we're working on repairing our damaged relationship and i've never been happier with one exception.

i have asked my parents to go with me when i have surgery which is 4 hours away from home. they have agreed but now my mom is starting to push her way back in control of my life. she doesn't want to stay with my brother the night before my surgery. she's insisting that i recover at her house for more than the one night that i was planning.

just not sure how i'm going to handle all this yet....

on top of that... my sister's friend is having the gastric sleeve procedure on april 16th. she's already been on her liquid diet for 2 weeks or so and she's lost 27 pounds already. she is SO excited about her upcoming surgery. she couldn't stop smiling and she couldn't stop talking about it.

my surgery is on april 21st and i'm not feeling very excited. i see that i have to drive 4 hours for my pre-admission testing that will last 2 hours and then attend a 2 hour nutrition class then have a physical afterwards before i drive the 4 hours back home and go to work the next day.

i'm not excited about having to spend a night in a hotel room with my parents the night before my surgery. i'm not excited that my surgery is at 1:30pm and i'll have to spend the whole morning before my surgery sitting around a hotel room with my parents.

i'm not excited about my mom insisting that i stay at their house in my old bedroom that hasn't changed in the 8 years since i've moved out when all i'm going to want is to be in my own bed with my cats.

why am i not as excited as my sister's friend? is it because i feel like this surgery is my punishment for being fat... like i don't have any other choice?

Kalypso--

This is written with support and compassion.

Most of us did not get the nurturing we deserved. Same with your mother. She did the best she could. She is human. She is who she is.

Do not wait for her to give you permission to be happy. Do not wait for her to treat you as you expect or want and deserve. It may never happen.

Here's the good part of that: YOU ARE A GROWN UP AND CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT NOW! YAY! If someone(mother) is disappointed and angry, oh well. "I'm so sorry that you're disappointed and I know you wanted something else, but this is what I need to do." Then do it. No fighting or arguing. After all, you are who you are too.

And that is a STRONG woman who is taking charge of her rest-of-her-wonderful-to-be-'cause-that's-what-you're-choosing-life! Fat was never a punishment; it's just fat. Again, it is what it is. For some reason, we have/had it and now, it no longer serves us. Now, we are taking back our control, our health, our lives and with OUR decisions made, the fat will leave.

I am 56, a self-pay bander this May and sometimes, I forget and still wait for my mother to love me like I want. But she is who she is--and I am a grownup.

We're all sisters here......even the men!! haha

Sending hugs!

Judy

Awww hon. You are doing such a HUGE thing and you made the decision yourself without anyone's approval.

Right now you are going through the "have to do" part. Think of your surgery like a big vacation to Paris and the testing and what not as going through what you have to do before going. None of it's fun. You've got to get passport pictures taken, you've got to fill out all the paperwork, you've got to find your birth certificate, you've got to stand in line at a post office that handles passports that may be all the way across town since they all don't do passports. You've got to send it all in and cross your fingers that you get the darn thing before your trip.

All of it a pain in the you-know-where, but without it, you're not going to Paris. Or in your case, no tests, no band.

As far as your mom goes, people treat you the way you let them treat you. She's no longer the boss of you. A friend of mine has a standard reply anytime someone says they want him to do something, "you can want in one hand and $h1t in the other." I don't know exactly what that means, LOL, but what he is saying is that you can go ahead and "want" all you "want" but he is doing what he wants to do and he doesn't need your approval.

What I'm trying to say is let your mom make her plans for you. It's not your place to stop her. It IS your place to make your own plans, regardless of what she plans. No need to fight or argue. Just do your thing girl! Stay with your brother if thats what you really want!

What you are doing is a big, life changing thing. This is your opportunity to show your 'grown up' self to your family. Once you tell your mother "no" and then go on about your business you cannot imagine what a liberating feeling it is.

I've been there myself.:thumbup:

Hugs!

Jena

hehe Jena- the saying goes, "you can wish in one hand, and shit in the other, and whatever hand gets fuller faster is your answer." or at least thats the way i was always told it as a child!!!

i say do whatever you need to do to make YOU excited about this surgery. i have never been so happy about anything in my entire life, and i have only lost 8 lbs. and the first few days after surgery can be a little rough, and the last thing you need is added stress! maybe you need to rethink what situation would be better for you, tell your parents what you think is best, and hope that they will understand. i wish the best of luck to you!

My friend, we all have what I like to call mama dramas. Please Please....this is your life changing experience. Probably why you & me both have grown to a disproportionate size (okay fattttt!) Leave them at home, but you are not going it alone. WE "the kindred" are here with you in spirit. YOu chose to leave your crappy childhood behind 8 years ago. Sounds like its creeping back in.

Find a support group where you live cause they are out there. I'd betcha one would go with you! Just tell them politley that you thank them for wanting o be there with you and u will call them if they are needed. REcovery and sucess is based on a positive energy. If you feel the bad karma you can change it.

Remember above all else, be true to your goal. Let No One Person Mess With Your Joy. Lets hear from you

lifechange, thanks for clearing up the mystery! It makes perfect sense now. LOL!

Loralei, I love your positive attitude. Great words of support!

Jena

Is there someone else that can go with you, that doesn't have an emotional stranglehold on you?

Kris,

I am so sorry what should be an exciting time for you is adding so much stress because of others. There is some good advice here on how to deal with your situation. No one can control us unless we let them and your mother sounds like a very controlling person. This is YOUR journey, don't let her ruin it for you. You have every right to be excited and happy about the new start you are giving yourself. Stop stressing and LIVE IT!! My doctor's office provides what it calls a Bari-Buddy to help people who don't have other resources through the process. This is just someone who has already been through the process and is willing to help their "Buddy" in any way they are needed. That includes being with them through surgery and after. See if your doctor's office offers anything similar. Don't let someone else's need to be in control take away from the happiness of this time for you. Good luck and let us know how things go!