Can we pretend this is an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and it's my turn to stand up front and bare my soul?...especially since I never had the balls to set foot in a live meeting during my 35 years of having a BMI score higher than my IQ. There's donuts in the back...JOKE?

It's been almost a year since my sleeve surgery and I couldn't be happier with the physical results. I was 60 years old, 5'4" and weighed close to 210 when I finally made an appointment with a bariatric surgeon. I'm now 61 and 134 pounds...I'm still 5'4" though. The past few days I've been in deep thought mode and was just hoping to use this forum to vent and hopefully get some feedback, positive or negative.

Dining out: It's going to happen. It was probably part of your life pre-surgery, so it's naive of you to think it won't be a part of your life post-surgery. So maybe it's just me and my family (obese mother) and significant other (F, normal weight), but the minute the menu appears, I get a barrage of "Oh..they have plenty of appetizers and small portions you can order. Be careful, etc. Did you see the vegetable plate?"

OK, so I know my significant other and my mom love me and are probably just concerned about my health and eating habits post-op, and if I'm being overly sensitive, just tell me and I'll shut up, but when they say things like that, it's not helping! If anything, something deep in my primordial starving "fat" brain wants to order the biggest thing on the menu and attempt to eat it.

When it happened yesterday at lunch, I calmly and nicely asked both of them if they could refrain from offering me ordering advice, as I assured them, thinking about the ordering process and the actual eating of said meal in a healthy manner was the number one priority on my mind pretty much 24/7. They didn't seem to take it too well. Which leads me to my next thought...

I might be stereotyping, but I'm willing to bet that a lot of us here were never/are not selfish people. I'm sure there are pages of psychological data written about the personality traits of the chronically obese and the myriad reasons we ended up as we did. My point is, after bariatric surgery, you might have to become a little selfish. You may need to put yourself first, sometimes to the detriment of others. Obviously, it helps if you can do this in a nice manner, but with certain people and situations in your life post-surgery, you might just have to be a selfish a*****e.

If your new lifestyle (diet, whatever you want to call it), exercise regimen, food habits, etc don't quite mesh with those around you, too bad. This is your last chance at success and you need to make YOU the priority. I walk a lot now...and it takes a lot of time. Some of that is time I used to spend with other people...now it's not always like that. Some have mentioned it. I don't care. I always invite them to walk with me but I'm not going to not walk because they want to do something else or don't feel like walking.

When I think about some of the healthiest people I have known in my life, they were/are quite selfish when it comes to exercise. One of my friends has been to the gym every morning from 5:30-7:30 for 35 years. He never misses. It's not an option. That's amazing to me because despite the genetics of obesity, there's no question that having some type of exercise regimen helps at some level. Did I ever have that level of commitment? Only to stopping at Whataburger several times a week.

So as much as I read pre-surgery and even with the psychological profiling the doctor did, I never read much or heard anyone talk about some of the changes I needed to make mentally to make this work. It seems like most of the pre-surgery discussion is about how to eat before and after the surgery and most of the psychological discussion is about not letting one addiction (food) be supplanted by another (drugs, alcohol, etc).

The crux of this dissertation, if you're still reading, is that there couldn't be more truth to the phrase bantered around here...."They operated on your stomach, not your brain". Prepare yourself for some mental challenges that being thinner does not make any easier. I must look a lot better because everyone tells me so...but I don't always feel better. Some of the same issues I've dealt with all my life, totally unrelated to weight, are still around. It's not that I expected them to disappear, but I think at some level, deep down, many of us think/thought, "Oh, if only I weren't so fat, I wouldn't have to deal with this problem [insert the problem/issue of your choosing]". Maybe I was just being naive or stupid, or both, but even being "thin" comes with plenty of challenges. I know these are "first world" problems and I'm not trying to sound like a complaining, spoiled brat. I just wanted to let off some steam here in the hopes that I'm not alone.

Thanks for listening.

You make some really good points about needing to be a little selfish. I think of all the people in my life who need things a certain way, and how I go out of my way to accommodate. Oh, you go to bed really early, or you must eat dinner at 3pm, or you only like Italian food, or can't meet up at that time because you need to workout? Okay, I can be flexible! I'm turning 50 this coming year and it's only in the past few years I feel like I've started to learn to advocate for my own needs. And it's definitely a learning curve. It's so hard to remember that just because you could be flexible doesn't mean you always have to be.

As for relatives and food, my strongest childhood memory is probably my very obese grandma, who seemingly passed down 100% of her genes to me (thanks, Grandma!), saying within the span of two breaths: "You know, you're going to be overweight like me and you have to be so careful with what you eat...want more Polish sausage?" I mean, bless her heart, she lived to 92 and was sharp and reasonably active until the last year or two, so if she passed that gene along to me, I'll take it. But you can't tell a person one minute that they have to eat healthy and the next minute present them with an entire family-size Tupperware filled with grapes as a snack because "grapes are healthy." Which I would eat all of even if I didn't want them so as not to hurt her feelings. Meanwhile, my mom was rail thin and always going on some sort of "eat grapefruit for a week and melt the fat off" women's magazine fad diet my whole childhood.

Yikes. Family can do a number on you. And you're right, all that stuff will still be there to deal with emotionally even after the surgery...

I always said...... "the surgery is the EASY part" ..... it's what comes after is the real test .

Hi Robert.

I have never heard the phrase "They operated on your stomach, not your brain" But it is oh so true. So much work yet to do on ourselves. Thank you for sharing this.

It has taken quite a few months to build up my stamina and muscles to be able to go on a decent walk. I have been asked to join a couple of walking groups though I just love the freedom of being able to walk where I want and when I want and for how short or long I want. Company would be nice sometimes but it's easy to be lost in your own thoughts or have some ear worm in your brain chanting along to the beat of my feet. Not selfish just mindful.

I'm 68 years old and it was nice to hear from an older member. All of your points ring true and overall you seem to be doing great. Congrats on becoming "normal" size." I'm STILL pre-op. I was one week from surgery and came up with A-Fib which the cardiologist and I are working on. I'm hoping to be able to have the surgery by the end of this year.

I think there will both phyisical and mental challenges, we'll see.

On 10/21/2023 at 10:28 AM, KathyLev said:

I always said...... "the surgery is the EASY part" ..... it's what comes after is the real test .

So true!

On 10/21/2023 at 10:28 AM, KathyLev said:

I always said...... "the surgery is the EASY part" ..... it's what comes after is the real test .

So true!

On 10/21/2023 at 10:28 AM, KathyLev said:

I always said...... "the surgery is the EASY part" ..... it's what comes after is the real test .

So true!

As a recovering people pleaser, I applaud you for prioritizing your health- both the physical and mental aspects of your health. Taking care of ourselves is not selfish- its part of being responsible for you own well being.

Im so glad you are setting some boundaries, and I am going to remember that when I need to do the same for myself. Thanks for putting into words that there is more to this process than weighing and measuring our food.

Best of luck to you on this journey- and please keep sharing your story, it helps both yourself and those around you!

Thanks for the comments, stories and words of encouragement. As far as age goes, I'm only sorry I didn't do it much sooner (younger), but better late than never. I think for myself, there has always been this "fear" or mindset that surgery is/was the last option and if I had done it 10 years earlier and things didn't go well, I'd have to live the rest of my life dealing with the regret, frustration and failure. After the fact, I feel I have total control and have learned the life skills required to maintain this "new me" until I don't exist anymore.

And as far as people-pleasing, I still aim to please, but I'm starting with myself!?