I have been working my entire life. Babysitting from the age of 12. Full time at Dairy Queen starting at 16 while going to school. Non-stop ever since.

I was poor growing up - but had a great family life and didn't really know it. Everything I have today I owe to a strong work ethic. My kids are grown. DH and I are doing fine. I am still working full time, and also enjoying life a bit more nowadays.

So why do people act like I am a freakin' bank? Family, friends, it doesn't matter. People look at my home (which is kinda small for Texas), and my jewelry (lots of eBay and sales) and think I can loan them money, launch their businesses, etc.

I've paid for two complete dental makeovers for family members, because they needed it. I pay a lot to subsidize my mother's meager Soc Security so that she can live in a clean and healthy retirement home. I still give to my kids when they need something (although they are great and rarely ask anymore). But some people......

I have family members who think I am filthy rich. HA! I just don't have many bills anymore - I worked and PAID THEM OFF! Last night a friend (co-worker actually) contacted me and wanted me to finance TWO of his business ventures. One for $25k for day trading, and the other to finance his house-flipping plan. I was stunned. We are not family. I am not a bank.

How the he** do I politely respond to these ongoing requests, and maintain friendships with family and friends? I have smart family members who are stupid financially. I have bailed them out too many times, and never see a penny in return. For those I have always considered it a gift because I know it ain't coming back.

Anybody have any tips for me? I am not rich. I don't have enough money for retirement saved. And I HATE being mean or rude to anybody. I just want to find a good way to say no. You guys will probably think I am so lame, but I seriously needed to vent and appreciate any good advice on how to nicely say NO, I won't loan/give you any money (regardless of the sob story or get-rich-quick ideas).

Chelle , i sent you a PM , but my husband and I went thru something like this rececntly , we started our own business that has done pretty well.

WELL the family ( His ) took that as an "OPEN FOR LOAN " sign on our house.

Like your situation we did loan money at first and people didnt bother to pay us back , we loaned to family.

SO , after in one day we had 4 family members call and ask for money we decided to no longer loan money to ANYONE .

Our response is something along the lines of " Because of the problems it has caused in the past we no longer loan money to anyone, it does not help the situation for either of us , so the answer now and in the future will be NO so please do not ask again "

That has worked so far...

HTH

Mindy

How about, "I'm still recovering financially from the last time I loaned someone money."

How about, "I'm still recovering financially from the last time I loaned someone money."

ROFLMAO that's a good one .. I'll have to remember that .

Mindy

Hi Chelle,

I am with you on this have similar situations myself, I have kind of come to a place where I know who my friends are - and they are never the ones that ASK,and always the ones who want to pay it back when it is offered.

As for family well that is harder for me cos I dont have much family, but if I were you I would start talking about the fact that you have tied your money up elsewhere just as cindy advised.

Co-workers???? WTF???? I would just laugh and tell them that they can have my mortgage if they want it!!!!

For now I would say to him, if he ever brings it up again, that he must be joking you are trying to sort out a pension fund, and no you dont feel like starting a high risk business!

Dont get down about it hon, the people who are worth maintaining a friendship with arent there cos you lend them money, and the people that would be pissed with you if you didnt arent worth having as friends.

NIna x

Even worse - this coworker used to report to me, and now he makes almost what I do - I was a very good mgr.

For a business venture to a non family member, I would say "I would really love to help you, but I just can't. I'm sorry. Sounds like a great idea though...good luck with (whatever)".

If this was a close family member, I might say something like "You know, I'm at the point in my life, where I have to start planning for my future, so I really can't". OR, "Hubby has asked me not to loan any more money to people, and I have to respect that."

I like the Hubby response - nothing else has worked, lol.

I have not really had this situation, but I have had friends with businesses (eg home reno's) who would expect me to hire them when I needed work done.

What I have said loudly and at every opportunity at parties and get togethers is that I do not mix business with pleasure, I will not hire, invest in, or lend money to friends, because my friends are too important to let material isssues come between us.

I have proclaimed this so often, that when I have been asked, I simply remind them, "Oh I thought everyone knew my opinion on that, sorry my policy is ............. and it has served me well so I am sticking with it"

If they have heard me say it, they will realize it is not personal.

Good Luck with the moochers in your life !!

Good idea - state my 'policy'. I am going to Ireland in the spring, and I know this will set off another wave of borrowers asking.... Like they don't realize I worked so hard so that I could take vacation???

Wow Chelle, you are just too nice. Your co worker, what is he nuts??? Sounds like a con artist....All he would get from me is a dirty look. I help my kids out when they occasionally need it and no one else in my family has ever asked for anything. I have loaned people money, but only if I can afford to not get it back. If they don't pay it back, that is it, they had their one free loan.

I just would not do it unless I wanted to. My kids are differnent, that's what moms are for. My Mother, of course, but anybody else, forgidabboudit.

It is not that hard to say no, you are in control, you deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labor and those others don't.

Yeah, I am way different with my kids - can't deny them anything and I am glad they grew up nicely anyway.

Our generation is the only generation in history that's expected to pay off OUR student loans, save for our children's college tuition, fund our own retirement, and help support our parents.

SCARY but true.

Can I borrow 20 bucks Chelle?

:boink:

Uhhhhh, folks help me out here! What's that response again? Begins with an 'N' I think....

Chelle...

Why do you need a reason to decline the request? Why not just say no. I don't like that you feel a need to explain why you will not honor a ridiculous request.

It amazes my DH that I can be so tough in some areas (like work) and such a wuss in others. I guess my problem is that I listen to the people's stories, and relate to a harder time in my life. Of course I worked my way out of my troubles. And I guess I don't have to explain WHY I'm saying no.... I need to mentally turn the tables and visualize them as asking something ridiculous! Thanks.

yeah, I don't get it either. Maybe chelle is just one of those people that has a hard time saying "no".

Too empathetic sometimes - and I can remember the hard times. It's only a 2 letter word anyway, can't be THAT hard to say...

How about, "I'm still recovering financially from the last time I loaned someone money."

OMG - the BEST response so far!

Tell 'em you've got a gambling problem...... teehee

I have had similar problems to yours, Chelle. My mother died a couple of years ago and left me quite a lot of money. A number of my friends have found themselves up against it for various reasons and my husband and I have lent them money since we are now the rich ones in our gang. So far we haven't seen any money come back to us although one individual does mention that she is going to pay us back. As for the other two, no mention of the money!

As for why we have loaned money to these people, well, it is because we like them, we are in a good financial place, my husband is a kind and generous man, I used to be poor when I was young, and now I feel a little bit guilty about having a lot of cash when some of our friends have so little. It can be difficult to say no.

It amazes my DH that I can be so tough in some areas (like work) and such a wuss in others. I guess my problem is that I listen to the people's stories, and relate to a harder time in my life. Of course I worked my way out of my troubles. And I guess I don't have to explain WHY I'm saying no.... I need to mentally turn the tables and visualize them as asking something ridiculous! Thanks.

I can relate to this.

My sis went through a TON of money in about a year. She went through more money than many make in a lifetime and she blew it in a year. What does she have to show for it? Living room furniture and a Bowflex. That's it.

Guess who she calls for money? Once it was for a business venture that she really was working on and really was a good idea. She needed $5K to drop some gas lines required. Not only did she not finish it and pay for the gas lines she blew the money. Two months later she needed me to WU her $1K, she had no money for her mortgage. Two months later it was $500 I needed to WU again because she had no brakes and was driving anyway.

AFTER the last time she mentioned she did cocaine at a party the previous Friday night. Now I question if that is where the money has been going. She's always borrowed (borrowed... heh) money but never this often and never this much. It's always been $200 or $300 here and there.

Regardless, the bank is now closed. I know when she's getting ready to hit me up because she begins calling me vs. emailing. She doesn't have the guts to ask for money and chickens out. So she'll call me again the next day and she's very nervous. In the past I've always known and I actually tried to make it easier on her by asking how finances are going. When I bring it up and when I offer it's much easier. She NEVER calls me, always emails. So when I start getting calls I know it's coming. By the time she asks she is desperate and needs it via Western Union. It's cheaper for me in the end to just offer it. WU is expensive.

Those days are over. She's calling me again (she's due, it's been two months) but I'm not offering and when she asks, the bank is closed. If she can afford cocaine, she can afford house payments. I'm not doing it anymore.

Last time she was trying to sell her RV and as soon as it sold, I'd get the money repaid. The RV sold two months ago and nada. It's not that she isn't paying me back... she's my sis. It's that she blew one hell of a lot of money in a year, has virtually nothing to show for it (I'm talking way over a million dollars), when she gets the money she still doesn't repay, and the cocaine issue. THAT'S the one that did it for me. Never again.

The reality is that you don't need to justify why you are not loaning (giving away) the money. It's a ridiculous request and doesn't deserve justification. Just say you make it a practice not to loan money. Period.

Wasa, it sounds like your sister has serious problems and lending her money is only enabling her. A woman who can make a million bucks vanish up her nose cannot be helped by your love and generosity.