Five years ago today my divorce was finalized. It was the end of a rough process. It isn’t easy separating your life from someone who you had been with for 21 years and had four children with. It also means that even though we are divorced, we will be seeing each other during every major life event in our children’s life.

With that reality in mind, I had a couple of goals when I went into this process five years ago…

#1 – Kids

Make sure they always know that I love them, they are not at fault and I will always have their back. Also never work to separate them from their mother, and to never disparage my ex in front of the kids. I never wanted my kids to think they had to choose between us.

#2 – Get out with as much dignity as possible

I wanted out with as little public embarrassment, and with as little financial cost as possible. But I also knew that my ex was going to have a harder time than I would getting started again. So for the last five years I have been paying her alimony. I made my final payment last month.

I understand some men (and women) get caught in some very bad situations because of sudden job loss and alimony can become inherently unfair. But in my case I thought it was important to supplement my ex’s income to help her maintain her dignity as she began a new chapter in her life. I didn’t want my kids to think I threw her to the curb to fend for herself.

The financial entanglements with my ex have now ended,and I wish her the best.

I hope the kids see their parents as people who had their differences and could no longer live together, but never stopped loving and looking out for them. We will always be your parents, we love you and we have your back, always.

All that said I think I have met my goals. I recently looked at my blood work from six years ago and what it is now. Six years ago I saw a person who was going downhill rapidly. This year's is nearly perfect. Thanks to WLS my health has never been better.

My attorney told me, if you want to get revenge in a divorce, live a happy life. If she is miserable because of it, that is on her. If she isn't, well you have a happy life.

you're a real stand up guy, Pirate. my ex left me homeless with 5 kids under 8 when he divorced me. but, I'm a survivor so it all worked out in the end for me.

nice to be able to move forward though, isn't it? boy did I ever Celebrate when the youngest from that marriage turned 18 and there was no more interaction beyond the kid's life events.

Wow! If only all uncouplings were as well thought out and adult as yours. I am sure that your children are all better for it.

pam

@@Christinamo7 - I am very sorry to hear that, but I hope you are proud of surviving that struggle.

@@mngreeneyes - I do wish my ex had shared my philosophy too ;-(

Every now and then she has a lucid moment and will let me know that she does appreciate how I set things up for her.

@@Christinamo7 - I am very sorry to hear that, but I hope you are proud of surviving that struggle.

and prouder still to have raised them all to be good people whom I like, and who still are able to have an appropriate relationship with their father. like you I had no desire to bad mouth him in front of the kids.

but yah, I figure I can survive just about anything and that does a lot for the ole self esteem.

@@OKCPirate

My brother tried to keep very similar rules for himself when his oldest child's mother broke off there engagement, but she and her SO had no similar compunctions. My niece still struggles with the damage that that war caused and she's now 23. My poor SIL bore the brunt of a lot of it because my niece projected all the bad things her mom said onto my SIL. That relationship will likely always be a bit strained no matter what my SIL has done to build it.

pam

OKC Pirate, congrats! I tried to do the same thing, but had an uncooperative ex who didn't. Your lawyer is right - the best revenge is living a happy life and knowing you did the right thing for yourself and your kids. Keep on the high road!

Your a good man okcpirate.

What a day for you. It sounds like you did what had to be done with dignity and fairness. Good for you for making those payments too- I used to work for Child Support Enforcement and it's amazing how many men won't. In the end it hurt them and really hurt the kids too.

Your wife was lucky that you set these goals and handled the whole situation like you did. Now reach your arm waaaaaay up, bend it, and give yourself a huge pat on the back if you already haven't done so. You certainly deserve it!!!

I always enjoy reading your posts so much. You have great attitude, insight and it sounds like you do your research. I'm going to second the statement made by rereee6898-

You are a good man OKCPirate.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

You are a good man and I believe in Karma and what you put out into the universe.

My Dad continued to pay child support long after he was supposed to because he knew my Mom used it to supplement the household bills because she too started from scratch in the working world. (My brother and I both lived at home into our early twenties while we went to college). He also paid her alimony (the amount wasn't a lot) up until he passed away when he could have taken her to court to prove he didn't need it.

@@OKCPirate, again, you conduct yourself in a way that lets you hold your head high. Doing the right thing means that we never even have to remember it although we do.

@@Christinamo7, you've moved forward, which is good and right. The news is new to me, however, so I do hope the vermin SOB has had a miserable life. If you like, I'll tell you what I really wish him.

@@Christinamo7, you've moved forward, which is good and right. The news is new to me, however, so I do hope the vermin SOB has had a miserable life. If you like, I'll tell you what I really wish him.

to me real recovery and success is when I no longer thought about him at all unless something reminded me and I'd have to stretch to even remember what it felt like to be together.

He could have had *me* and all my fabulousness for the rest of his life and instead he isn't even worth me reminiscing about. indifference - feels good. because of his poor choices and no one else he had to watch from outside while another man raised his kids. and because that man was a good man, now they are who they go to as adults when they have problems. not their dad. he honestly, didn't think anyone else would ever want me or the kids, I was so much garbage to him.

and, if you need a safe place to vent your spleen, feel free to message me - It's probably nothing I didn't say at the time this happened in my life either.

Still in the process of divorce here. My wasband is vindictive and manipulative and has done everything he can to bleed me dry. Hasn't given a penny to his kids without a court order since we left. It's almost two years. Tomorrow he's dumping my furniture off in my garage. I can only hope this is the beginning of the final phase. He owes his attorney over thirty thousand dollars in unpaid fees. My biggest fear is that the lawyer drops him and we start over. Anyway, with lots of support and friends and a renewed relationship with God, I am coming through this stronger than ever. Poorer, but stronger. And my girls and I have kept our dignity while he has smeared us publicly. Karma is real.

JustWatchMe

The OP sounds great, and then the last sentence is about revenge. Kind of negates the whole 'nice guy' thing, don't you think?

Kind of like going on and on about how pious and holy someone is and ending with, "and he has the best recipe for grilled babies."

"When all is said and done, usually more has been said than done. "

Edited June 4, 201610 yr by Fredbear