I was visiting my family from out of town last weekend and my mom said "Wow, I cannot believe how much BETTER you look after losing 30 pounds! It's unbelievable! You look soooooooo good!!" To which I responded: "Geez, did I really look that bad before...?" To which my mother responded: "YES!!!!!"

My mom was shocked when I reacted poorly - I think she thought she was complimenting me but what I heard was "You were really a fat slob and looked like a wreck and losing weight will make you the loveable, valuable person you've never been as an obese person."

If your own mother thinks of you like that, what on earth does the REST of the world think? Kind of shook my confidence. I've always thought I was reasonably attractive, dress nice, take care of my appearance, always clean and presentable...

I've only lost ~30 pounds so far. I cringe to think of what kinds of comments I'm going to get in the future as the weight continues to fall off.

Sorry, this is my first post on this forum. I just had my sleeve on Friday and have been lucky enough to lose some weight pre-op. I am sorry to say this, but it seems that your mother is insensitive and possibly projecting. Don't let anyone's comments, good or bad, discourage you. You started this journey for yourself.

If you believe that you have always been attractive, chances are that is true. We are our own worst critics. Just remember, you are not creating a new person, just improving on who you already are. Good luck and great job on your loss so far!

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@needtorecover Our families are our worst critics .. they feel because they are related they can say whatever they like ... and it will be taken without hesitation ... hence your mothers comment ...

Mine is the same way ...

I also encountered this at work more than a few times ... I work with over the road truck drivers ... and see them every few months ... so when they do see me ... there is a change that is noticeable ...

here is one story ... while now, it makes me giggle a little ... at the time I was horrified and speechless ...

Driver: "Hey Ms. Karen ... when did you have your baby?"

Me: "....... baby? ..... "

Driver: "Yeah you looked like you'd pop any second! Now you look great! Lost all the baby weight already?!"

Me: "Ummm no, I didn't have a baby. I just lost a lot of weight"

Driver: " .... Oh. I. See. I'm sorry Ms. Karen"

and he left with his tail between his legs ...

So I completely get the thought " wow... did I look that bad before? "

@@MrsKarenC2008 you just described every man's nightmare.

...and for you women out there who have ever wondered why men don't comment on their obvious pregnancy? Once we've made the horrible faux pas of asking about a baby that isn't there we go out of our way to ignore the obvious until there is no doubt. You've really got to let us off the hook and give us a hint before we'll congratulate you about the baby...

Families. We all have them---for better or for worse. Sometimes it must seem to them that they are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

Some of us bitch if no one comments on our weight loss, and then others don't like what we hear when our families do comment.

And sometimes isn't it great to know that whatever else is causing stress within the family we can count on our mothers to say what's on their minds? "Just say it and get it out so now we can deal with it", kind of reaction.

I would rather know what family is thinking rather than hear what they are saying from mutual "friends".

I believe that sometimes we, as children (no matter what our age) need to give our mothers a "pass", every once in awhile. Choose our battle , so to speak. Address the comment with her, air it out and come to terms.

Don't be the child that stands over a grave thinking, "if only..."

"Surely you didn't mean to sound as rude as you just did..."

"I'm surprised you thought such a personal comment was appropriate."

Or as we say in the south...

"Bless your heart."

All with a condescending smile and an F-you tone.

Hmmmmmmmmm....

Let me look at this another way...

You were given a compliment...

You took it badly...

You then asked a question...

The other person answered...

And now you're bent outta shape?

I mean, I do get where you're coming from...

Really I do...

But why ask the question the first place?

If you aren't sure you're gonna like the answer, I'd not be asking!!

None of us are losing weight to look the same/worse than we did...

Of course, some are in no way motivated by the idea of looking better...

But let's face it - If we looked good fat, we'd likely be less inclined to do something about it...

Now, I'm not saying that I've not done EXACTLY the same thing...

But this s**t is hard enough without us creating angst for ourselves...

On another note, congratulations on your loss so far...

30 pounds is certainly something to Celebrate, no matter how awry things may have gone with your family...

Well done to you!!!

Please note -

The above comment was NOT posted with a view to causing further angst...

I simply saw things from another perspective and thought I'd share my viewpoint...

As always, I am fully supportive of ANYONE who wants to better themselves and their lives thru weight loss...

Thanx...

Kinda...

i've got a mom who makes comments too. i know i looked bad prior to surgery. now 2 years post i've gained about 8 lbs from my optimal weight. i told my mom i'm going back to my pre-op bariatric diet for a week then going to do my immediate post op.

me: I'm going to do this (above) because i've gained 8 lbs and for a bariatric patient that's like gaining about 40

her: i know, because you're so short you're starting to look awful again..

me; no, it's NOT about my size or height, it's about in my head, ANY gain has got to be dealt with before it gets too far gone.

her: oh, i thought this was all about how you LOOK

seriously...

@@KindaFamiliar - No worries On a scale of 1-10 on how offensive I found my mom's comment to be I'd rate it as a 2. I was a little miffed but that's the extent of it. I'm just not looking forward to what other people have to say about my weight loss. You are correct in that some folks love attention, and others hate it. I don't mind benign or supportive comments like saying I look healthier, happier, must feel good, etc. But I get annoyed when folks comment on my appearance. Personally, I do not find obesity unattractive the way many people do. If I could be fat and feel light, energetic, and healthy then I wouldn't mind the pudgy look! I do hate how difficult it is to find nice clothes as a fat lady but that's my primary complaint.

I guess I wish people would perceive me as attractive whether I'm fit or fat but that's very far-fetched and I understand that. I will very likely be perceived as attractive when I'm at a normal weight, as many of you are experiencing with your weight loss (male and female alike). I accept that it is inevitable but I will still probably resent it. Just my own personal issue and my anger with society for degrading the obese population.

"I guess I wish people would perceive me as attractive whether I'm fit or fat but that's very far-fetched and I understand that. I will very likely be perceived as attractive when I'm at a normal weight, as many of you are experiencing with your weight loss (male and female alike). I accept that it is inevitable but I will still probably resent it. Just my own personal issue and my anger with society for degrading the obese population."

In a perfect world? However - people are allowed to think whatever they want is attractive/unattractive. and you get to decide whether you want to be fit/fat or how you think about your own weight/shape/fitness. One thing I have found whether I am old or young, and no matter what my weight has been there was always someone out there who thought I was the hottest thing going. It's what I think about myself that matters alone. However, degrading others is never ok, no matter what you think about their outsides.

edited because I don't know why the quote from the other post did not show as a quote. sheesh. the second paragraph is my comment.

Edited April 5, 201610 yr by Christinamo7

I just have to wonder is your Mother obese? Or on the flipside is she thin, tinny never had a weight problem? This could make a difference in where she is coming from; lack of knowledge, jealousy, fear, resentment.

Oh boy! I am so sorry to hear this. I know personally how hurtful families can be. For years my grandma would tell me that I really have a pretty face but I need to lose some weight. So, now that I have lost 70 pounds she constantly tells me I look anorexic and should put some weight back on. (she doesn't know about my surgery)

Honestly, all you can do is laugh it off. What is most important is what you think and feel about yourself. Don't let anyone else define you no matter what you weigh or how you look. Their opinion is just that... their opinion.

I bought my daughter a poster for her room the other day and it speaks to me and her on so many levels... it says:

Be your own kind of Beautiful

Edited April 5, 201610 yr by kranky813

@@Christinamo7 - I should clarify when I mean "attractive" I don't mean "sexy." I know there are men who think I'm very sexy as a fat woman, especially when I go out in full make-up and wear a low-cut shirt. I mean the general "You're an acceptable person for who you are and your fat doesn't diminish you pretty blue eyes, full curly hair, clear skin, and fabulous style." But again, that is dreamland as many people see fat and they think "sloppy, lazy, glutton, greedy" regardless of how you present yourself otherwise, and that's what I mean by obese people are generally degraded by society.

It is unfair but it is what it is. People will probably treat me better when I'm thinner. I'll probably have better career prospects. I'll probably attract more attention and people will probably respect me more. I hate that. I wish people would give me the same chances now at my weight that they will when I'm at my ideal BMI. I'll still be the same person, just in a smaller and healthier package. There's this strong moral bias that favors the slender. It's the one thing I do agree with on the Fat Acceptance movement, and I hope it changes some minds about obese people and their value in our society.

@@Threetimesacharm - My mom's struggled with her weight her whole life. She's never been obese but she is overweight and I know she has serious self-esteem issues which is why I try my best to be patient with her when she makes offensive comments. She's said plenty of offensive things in my life about my weight and appearance and it drives me nuts. But all this stems from her own weight and self-esteem issues. She's been "on a diet" my entire life. That sets an incredibly awful precedent for children, I've learned, and my kids will never hear me berate my body or see me starve myself or exercise to exhaustion. I want them to see a happy mom who eats well and moves for pleasure so they follow my example.

Edited April 5, 201610 yr by needtorecover

"

Or as we say in the south...

"Bless your heart."

All with a condescending smile and an F-you tone.

I LOVE it!!! ????

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Edited April 5, 201610 yr by nicksmommy

My mom's not worth the time of day either. She was horribly critical on a deeply personal level during my heaviest times, and in many other ways no matter what my weight is. Therefore, her puddle-shallow remarks about how good I look now also mean nothing to me, because when her mouth moves I hear noise.