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The thoughtless comments



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So my husband has made two comments recently that got under my skin.

1st) I make dinner for the family. I'll eat the Protein and the veggie, but not the starch. Thats leaves lots of leftovers of rice etc, that no one ends up using after the initial meal. So it dies a slow moldy death in the fridge. So one night I skipped the starch, deciding not to add to the piles gone unused in the fridge. He comments that I've essentially said screw them since my surgery and stopped cooking complete meals. Grrr. Not true.

2nd) he made some comment about me 'trying to be the only skinny one in the house, (never mind my Kids are of normal weight) and I'm not trying to help anyone else'.

Though he was not angry and probably said both as tongue in check type comments, it irked me. I'm a firm believer that truth is often spoken in jest.

He's a grown up, he can cook and take control of his health... But I guess it's easier to shift reponsibility from himself.

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Can you serve the starch leftovers for a few days? Say cook 2 cups of rice and serve it plain one day, stir fry the next, spiced rice the next. That way no waste and he still will get his starch. Sounds like he is getting jealous of your weight loss and how good you look!

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Tell him you don't expect to be the only skinny one and that you looking out for them and that a starch is not needed for each meal.

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Tell him you don't expect to be the only skinny one and that you looking out for them and that a starch is not needed for each meal.

Exactly. Don't make it about him, make it about the food. Because it is about the food...and not wanting to waste unnecessarily.

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Ugh...yep...I've heard it too from my own husband. I have to remind him often that I plan meals on Saturday for the entire week prior to grocery shopping. i ask for input from the whole family....I make what they want, within reason, and I eat what I can and if they are eating what i can't I eat something else. At times he complains that he wants what I am having...and I remind him "YOU picked the meal!"

We had an disagreement one night because he said all I cared about was my own weight. (as he sat stuffing his face with potato chips) I have been trying to get the entire family to eat healthier...it's a struggle, one they are willing with words to endure, but when it comes down to it, when it is time to eat it...they all want the unhealthy meals...I'm not willing to shop again, so they are stuck with it. Pure lack of willpower, IMO.

Once not long ago during an argument, he told me I was still fat, what good did the surgery do?....I told him if he EVER said that again, we would be separating. I also told him, "I won't be fat much longer, YOU are an ass...hold long will that last?" Granted, I love my husband, but I will NOT be ridiculed by him, ever!

99% of the time, he is supportive and encouraging and I couldn't be happier. The other 1% of the time, I want to smack him with a pan. What irks me is that he can eat chips, etc....beer etc...have only a Protein shake at lunch and he is down 14 lbs in one month...never exercises either. I struggle for every lost pound.

I told him finally, you are either on board or not. I don't pressure him to live my WLS life, i don't inconvenience him. I agree with you...truth is spoken in jest....if it is thought and said, I can only imagine what is NOT being said. When he gets that way, it is his problem (speaking from my situation)...I just stop sharing things with him for a while. When he asks me about it, i just say "Oh, I didn't think you cared anymore."

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My family faces this problem all the time (the leftover rice) even before surgery. I like the leftover idea (we do that a lot). You can also try halving the amount of rice you cook so you don't have so many leftovers. Better yet, switch to a healthier starch like quinoa which has something like 12g of Protein per 1/2 cup. Better yet, it contains all 9 amino acids. I think it tastes nuttier than rice, but is pretty good. I would talk to your hubby about it before "springing" it on your family (to avoid any other complaints).

I agree his comments aren't helpful and also suspect he might be worried how the changes in your body will affect you as a couple. Go with the "I want you all to be healthy, which is why I want to limit the starch or switch to one that's better for us." Maybe he has some ideas how to use up those leftovers!

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@@dhrguru

This may or may not be the case in your relationship.Just a few things you might want to consider

This might be Insecurity of the changes that are happening to you so quickly. After 85 pounds you are looking good and feeling good. He may be feeling a bit left behind or a bit threatened that the opposite sex is taking notice of you.

A few things I did to help my hubby as insecurity issues started creeping in:

Reassure him. Invite him on a walk even if he says no at least you tried to include him

Date night: dinner is a great place to talk and reconnect.

Weight loss couples rewards.. A reward of new item from Victoria secret he might enjoy.

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So my husband has made two comments recently that got under my skin.

1st)... He comments that I've essentially said screw them since my surgery and stopped cooking complete meals. Grrr. Not true.

2nd) he made some comment about me 'trying to be the only skinny one in the house, (never mind my Kids are of normal weight) and I'm not trying to help anyone else'.

Though he was not angry and probably said both as tongue in check type comments, it irked me.

I can't guess how serious and how funny he is with these remarks, but he is giving you mixed signals. Have you told him that he can't have it both ways? That he has to choose between "complete meals (whatever that may mean)" and meals that will help him be "skinny (whatever that may mean, too)?"

You know, don't you, DHR, that if your BP compatriots were to take a vote, he'd be found to be far more likable in the bedroom than in the kitchen? Your bedroom and your kitchen, that is.

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@@dhrguru - I may have you confused with someone else but isn't your hubby overweight as well? He may feel that your a "forcing" the diet on him because he already knows he needs to be trying to get his weight under control and he just doesn't want to admit to it (out loud).

I have been pretty darn lucky that both hubby and son haven't said too much about what we eat. Hubby likes to eat out and we have gotten pretty creative ordering :)

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I have learned an unfortunate fact with it just being me and hubby in the house (and BOTH of us being WLS patients),,,,a lot of food goes to waste.

But I would much rather throw away moldy rice than eat the way I used to eat and waste my life, not just the food.

Like Lipstick said, just make half. And if you still are throwing a little away...meh. We all got fat from our parents forcing us to clean our plates because of starving children in China. Just make the proper adjustments as needed to keep you and your family satisfied :)

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...We all got fat from our parents forcing us to clean our plates because of starving children in China. Just make the proper adjustments as needed to keep you and your family satisfied :)

In our household, we heard that, but with India (it's still Asia, so I guess it is similar).

I wish they would have told me instead you don't have to eat everything on your plate, because you don't want to overeat and have a weight and health problems later in life.

They grew up during the depression (no that wasn't after they had me you smart a$$es :)), so there were some very lean times when there wasn't enough food to eat for them.

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Every time I clean out my daughter's lunch box, I have to hold myself back from asking why she didn't finish this or eat that and I cringe when throwing things away. I remind myself that if she actually ate it, it would be gone. If I throw it in the garbage, it's gone. Either way -- it's gone! Why in the world would I go against her natural appetite?

If she doesn't like something, she will tell me. If I don't make her enough, she will tell me. If I make too much, she doesn't think to tell me. So now, I am packing smaller lunches and if she comes home hungry, I'll hear about it.

That's the bottom line for me.

If you don't make enough starch and your family is hungry after a meal, point them to the PB&J or ceereal (sic) and milk. I am sure they are capable of compiling a snack out of either.

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Oh, if my husband had those comments, he'd be cooking for the week. Well, he actually does the cooking anyway but you get my point. You have a few options for the issue of leftovers (serve it again spiced up, toss it, make less, etc). But I would have a discussion to him about how his comments hurt your feelings. Even if said in jest, they stemmed from somewhere.

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Can you serve the starch leftovers for a few days? Say cook 2 cups of rice and serve it plain one day, stir fry the next, spiced rice the next. That way no waste and he still will get his starch. Sounds like he is getting jealous of your weight loss and how good you look!

He did suggest serving them again, and I do at times. I use instant rices (ie- goya yellow rice, Lipton rice sides etc) because they don't care for white rice. Can't really 1/2 those.

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