So, here I am, 35 and fixing to undergo RNY surgery in August. I'm not, in my mind, an overly large woman (the doctors and their charts tend to disagree), but due to multiple medical ailments, I haven't been unable to lose weight, and in fact, keep gaining. I'm okay with having the surgery, but in the mean time, trying to find a good man is nearly impossible. I'm sure they are out there, but thus far, I have met guys for dinner and never heard back from them. A few have told me straight up that I'm to "big" for their likes. Each to his own, but I wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway. Here is my rant/dilemma...if I'm having a hard time finding a guy now, and I have surgery, then all of a sudden guys want to date, that really shows how shallow they are. Me and my lack-of-a-filter mouth is likely to say something if this were the case and it might not go so well!

I've heard the same in the past from friends who had lap band surgery, but I'm not sure how to politely ask them WTH?!?! Has anyone experienced this? Not being able to find a person to date then all of a sudden, you lose weight and they're knocking at your door? How do you handle this?

I don't expect the guys to be lining up outside my door, by any means. A few people at work know I'm having the surgery (I'm open and honest about having the surgery) and I've even had a few guy tell me "You're going to be so skinny I'm going to want to date you!" WTH!!! Not interested....NEXT!

Just putting this out there and seeing if any others think/feel the same or experienced this and have any input.

@@SassyTassy - Let me first say that I agree with you that men are shallow. Sorry guys but its true. And yes some women are too. Now that we've got that out of the way. Lets assume that 90% of men are totally shallow and the other 10% are the nice guys. I do think that the reaction that we get as obese or morbidly obese has a lot more to do with a lot more factors than just being shallow.

For me, myself I currently have a BMI over 42 which is considered morbidly obese, I weigh about 280 lbs. It is hard for me to walk, and I am ashamed of how I have let myself go, how I have let myself get to this point. When I recently saw a man in public who was well over 500 lbs I had a deep desire to run up to him and say "You are so brave", "I know who hard it must be for you to be out here walking around because my knees hurt too," "I know that you must be in so much pain physical and emotional, and you are so brave to be pushing past that to do what you need to do".... but of course I did not go up to him or say ANY of that. Why? Because of course I didn't know him, and didn't know if what I wanted to say would ultimately be helpful or hurtful to him. My heart went out to him, because I knew that those were pounds of pain, that he did not want to weigh that much (none of us do), and that he must be struggling with a lot physically and emotionally at that size (just as I am at my size).

Also, I have been in a relationship with a man that I really, madly, truly, deeply loved. I gave it my all. I made a lot of sacrifices to help him with a lot of his health conditions. He did not have insurance and I took a lot of time off of my job getting him enrolled in various indigent care programs both at far away universities and closer to home. He made some tremendous changes in his life for his health and that was great. Then he was faced with yet another health condition. And what did I see? I saw that I cared about him and his health 110% more than he did. I begged with him, pleaded with him to take some responsibility for his health, including getting the health care subsidy he was entitled to under Obamacare. And he refused. He said to give him another year (it had already been several years). Of course I still loved him and cared for him, and told him that I would give him another year, but that he had to take intermediate steps now to ensure his health. He wouldn't do it. He ultimately broke up with me. He was not going to take care of himself unless I actually paid for it, actually drove him to the Dr. etc. All I needed was for him to meet me halfway and act like an adult in a relationship rather than a child that I had sole responsibility for. It broke my heart because I really loved him and would have done nearly anything for him, but here's the kicker: he wouldn't do a thing FOR HIMSELF.

So now I am focusing on myself and my health instead of his. It has also dawned on me in these two scenarios that part of the reason that other people treat us differently is because of HOW WE TREAT OURSELVES. And part of it is just because people are a$$holes. I have seen on dating sites "looking for someone who doesn't weight more than 120 lbs" - ahole for sure. I have also seen "looking for someone fit who takes care of themselves" - someone who wants to lead a healthy lifestyle and they are looking for a partner in that lifestyle rather than someone whose lifestyle they will have to accomodate or take care of.

Obviously, we all have to play the hand we are dealt with our various spouses/relationships and their health down the line, but it is not wrong that some people don't want to sign up to take on our pounds of pain because they have their own issues that they are dealing with. So my plan is to deal with mine both physically and emotionally for the next 6 months to a year BEFORE I start dating. I do believe that in a good relationship people DO take care of EACH OTHER. But if I want to be in a relationship with someone who is going to make me a priority and be good to me, then I have to make me a priority and be good to myself FIRST. Hence my name "FocusOnMeNow."

So yes some people are totally shallow and we can write them off. And some people will not be good to us no matter what and we can write them off too. But I totally believe that we will naturally attract more good people into our lives who will treat us well, once we start treating ourselves better. We also have to forgive ourselves for the past and forgive ourselves for being the ones who never put ourselves and our health first. And now that I am doing that I think I can start to forgive myself. I hope this helps.

@@SassyTassy - Let me first say that I agree with you that men are shallow. Sorry guys but its true. And yes some women are too. Now that we've got that out of the way. Lets assume that 90% of men are totally shallow and the other 10% are the nice guys. I do think that the reaction that we get as obese or morbidly obese has a lot more to do with a lot more factors than just being shallow.

For me, myself I currently have a BMI over 42 which is considered morbidly obese, I weigh about 280 lbs. It is hard for me to walk, and I am ashamed of how I have let myself go, how I have let myself get to this point. When I recently saw a man in public who was well over 500 lbs I had a deep desire to run up to him and say "You are so brave", "I know who hard it must be for you to be out here walking around because my knees hurt too," "I know that you must be in so much pain physical and emotional, and you are so brave to be pushing past that to do what you need to do".... but of course I did not go up to him or say ANY of that. Why? Because of course I didn't know him, and didn't know if what I wanted to say would ultimately be helpful or hurtful to him. My heart went out to him, because I knew that those were pounds of pain, that he did not want to weigh that much (none of us do), and that he must be struggling with a lot physically and emotionally at that size (just as I am at my size).

Also, I have been in a relationship with a man that I really, madly, truly, deeply loved. I gave it my all. I made a lot of sacrifices to help him with a lot of his health conditions. He did not have insurance and I took a lot of time off of my job getting him enrolled in various indigent care programs both at far away universities and closer to home. He made some tremendous changes in his life for his health and that was great. Then he was faced with yet another health condition. And what did I see? I saw that I cared about him and his health 110% more than he did. I begged with him, pleaded with him to take some responsibility for his health, including getting the health care subsidy he was entitled to under Obamacare. And he refused. He said to give him another year (it had already been several years). Of course I still loved him and cared for him, and told him that I would give him another year, but that he had to take intermediate steps now to ensure his health. He wouldn't do it. He ultimately broke up with me. He was not going to take care of himself unless I actually paid for it, actually drove him to the Dr. etc. All I needed was for him to meet me halfway and act like an adult in a relationship rather than a child that I had sole responsibility for. It broke my heart because I really loved him and would have done nearly anything for him, but here's the kicker: he wouldn't do a thing FOR HIMSELF.

So now I am focusing on myself and my health instead of his. It has also dawned on me in these two scenarios that part of the reason that other people treat us differently is because of HOW WE TREAT OURSELVES. And part of it is just because people are a$$holes. I have seen on dating sites "looking for someone who doesn't weight more than 120 lbs" - ahole for sure. I have also seen "looking for someone fit who takes care of themselves" - someone who wants to lead a healthy lifestyle and they are looking for a partner in that lifestyle rather than someone whose lifestyle they will have to accomodate or take care of.

Obviously, we all have to play the hand we are dealt with our various spouses/relationships and their health down the line, but it is not wrong that some people don't want to sign up to take on our pounds of pain because they have their own issues that they are dealing with. So my plan is to deal with mine both physically and emotionally for the next 6 months to a year BEFORE I start dating. I do believe that in a good relationship people DO take care of EACH OTHER. But if I want to be in a relationship with someone who is going to make me a priority and be good to me, then I have to make me a priority and be good to myself FIRST. Hence my name "FocusOnMeNow."

So yes some people are totally shallow and we can write them off. And some people will not be good to us no matter what and we can write them off too. But I totally believe that we will naturally attract more good people into our lives who will treat us well, once we start treating ourselves better. We also have to forgive ourselves for the past and forgive ourselves for being the ones who never put ourselves and our health first. And now that I am doing that I think I can start to forgive myself. I hope this helps.

AWESOME POST!

Beautifully thought and said.

@@SassyTassy

My suggestion...stop, drop (all the losers), and roll into your new life with an open mind. Make your list of what you need and want in a partner, give it to God to fill that list, and WAIT. Wait for it to happen. Have faith that He will fulfill your list, and be ready for it. Get your mind on other things that will keep you busy until you meet your person. Who better to find the one than the One who made you? It worked for me. ALL of the above. I KNOW this as my husband is EXACTLY nine months younger than me....TO THE DAY. Make your list. Give it to God. TRUST.

A lot of people have told me that I seem to be so much happier now. I'm sure it is because I feel physically better, but I also feel better about myself. Along with that, I'm also more likely to be social. In the past I've let my weight hold me back, and made excuses not to do certain activities because I didn't think I could or was uncomfortable with it. As I lose my excess weight, I'm trying to step out of comfort zone too. I'm making a "bucket list" of activities I've wanted to try but haven't in the past because I was afraid. I may hate some of them (like zip lining) but at least I'll know from experience. And who know, maybe I'll find something fun that I love.

I'm sure that dating will be easier for me now and in the future, because I'm sure that I would rather date me now than the me that weighed 50 pounds more. Not necessarily because of how I looked, but because I was pretty boring and didn't smile as much.

@@Dahlia : actually we didn't get the best house on the block because we wanted one with character and nooks and crannies, and our dog and cat were from a shelter because they were abandoned, thinking that people like what you like is just an assumption, fortunately my wife is as crazy as I am and thinks outside the box ........that is all

@@Dahlia : actually we didn't get the best house on the block because we wanted one with character and nooks and crannies, and our dog and cat were from a shelter because they were abandoned, thinking that people like what you like is just an assumption, fortunately my wife is as crazy as I am and thinks outside the box ........that is all

No, I never thought that people like what I like, what I was trying to explain is that people are naturally going to be drawn to people/places/things that click with them. If you look at 2 houses, side by side and 1 is well maintained and looks nice and sturdy, and the other is not as well maintained and doesnt look as sturdy, you're more than likely to choose the 1st one. Same with store windows, the attractive merchandise in the neat and tidy window draws you in and makes you want to see/know more of whats inside. Not shallow, just natural human curiosity.

This is from a slightly different perspective, but I was in a relationship over the course of a few years when I went from being mildly overweight to morbidly obese. Part of my weight gain was for the normal reasons of poor eating habits, lack of exercise, and emotional disregulation, but the speed in which I gained was largely because of medications I was taking for a mood disorder.

When I look back over that relationship, a big part of the deterioration was because of the weight gain. When you date someone who's 170 pounds and they shoot up to 250 in such a short period of time, it just changes everything. Part of it was the physical attraction, but I think more of it was how poorly I coped with my body image. I struggled with moving, I hated myself for letting it happen, and I projected that negativity into my relationship. My partner wasn't being shallow as we fell out of love, they were experiencing the pain of what it's like to love someone who doesn't value themselves.

We ask ourselves on this site how we are going to address the emotional aspects of what lead us here, and we fight a battle to get to where we want to be. And when you look at all of the obese people throughout the country, we are in the minority of people who are actively fighting and winning this battle. Everyone deserves to be valued and treated with respect, but when it comes to choosing romantic partners, I don't get angry when people aren't interested because of my weight. Like others have said, we choose people who are most attractive to us, and obesity is one of the most visible personal demons out of them all. If every alcoholic had a bottle of wine on top of their heads, Id be hesitant too.

Very good perspective chasingpolaris, my wife is experiencing this right now, life caught up to her, she was a size 6 when we met very athletic and active I was 350lbs, after she gave me my twin boys 6 yrs ago the weight never seemed to come off, she was a 120-130 throughout the beginning and with the twins 200lbs, now at 150-160lbs, she is very critical of herself and tells me she feels disgusted that she can't take off the weight and has lost her sexiness, all I can do is reassure her she is loved even more than when we met, but also remembering to validate her feelings, it just boggles my mind how she fell in love with me, but is so critical of herself, either way she is always amazing to me

I am right there with you on this- all I can say is I am focusing on the fact that I won't have to deal with Chubby Chasers anymore!! I have come across SO many creepy fat obsessed men that I will be happy to date someone who is more interested in me as a normal sized person.

I don't believe this is shallow. There's nothing wrong with liking a man or woman who has become fit and more attractive. This is human nature. I'm sure we've all noticed someone who is fit and attractive- and wouldn't think so if they were heavier. I'm not bad or evil for liking fit men.

Try not to feel so negative. It's a slippery slope to judge others as we feel judged. If men are interested in you when you lose weight---then be happy because it's your attitude that will keep them.

I don't have a problem with the fact that a lot of men want me now who would never have looked at me twice two years ago. We can't help what we are attracted to and to be honest I have zero interest in dating a fat guy, so I don't really get to get mad if men have no interest in me because I'm a fat girl. My logic is that dating is a bit like selling a house. Do you put the house on the market when the tile is torn up, the kitchen is from the 60's, and the carpet is stained? No, because you recognized that you are not going to get a quality buyer because the house is unattractive.

Comparably, appearances matter in people too. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who pants and heaves and sweats all over you, while crushing you in bed? Do you want a man who can't sit comfortably in booths at dinner, who can't ride roller coasters with you, who can't shop in normal stores, and who has a serious health condition that you will need to deal with if you are his partner? Do you want to be with someone who can't control their eating, who is not healthy, and who very well may have other complications as a result of their weight? I can't speak for you, but I certainly don't.

Wanting to date a person who is a healthy weight is not shallow, it's simply a fact of life for many people. We cannot help who we are attracted to. I don't like super skinny dudes, fat dudes, or really tall dudes....I'm not shallow I just know what I want so I don't waste their time. Don't you appreciate that someone else does the same for you if physically they realize they just aren't into you?

I'm not saying you're not a wonderful person, a kind, loving, fantastic woman who deserves all of the love in the world. I'm saying don't get offended because guys aren't into you for whatever reason. I got dumped once when I was 130 pounds because my boobs were too big, once because I wasn't tan enough, once because I was too short, and once because I was too fat (at the time I was about 145). Not everyone is going to like everyone, so I personally am fine with a man not wanting to date me if he's not physically attracted to me because otherwise he's simply wasting both of our time. I remodeled my "house" and my buyer's market dramatically improved. It's not being shallow, it's simply understanding how the game works.

Also, as a note, your tracker says you are 200 pounds, which is NOT a big woman. There are plenty of men who are very happy with a woman that size and plenty that want someone bigger or smaller. You just have to find the right one. Good luck!

I totally agree with this post and am thrilled that someone has put words to something I've thought about for years.

While of course it is hurtful to be rejected, my sense is that everyone is entitled to have their preferences when searching for love. I know I have my own, and I don't consider myself a shallow person. But I wouldn't date a guy 20 years younger than me, or a guy 20 years older than me, or an obese fellow, or a racist, or an anti-semite, or a bigot. I wouldn't date a pedophile, an addict of any kind, or a man who is unemployed. My "no date" list is extensive, but it works for me.

I'm not saying that being fat is in the same category as those other vices, but I do think being fat is a symptom of underlying issues that I'd not like to invite into my personal sphere. Heck, I have enough issues of my own without having to manage a partner's! (My late father gave me good advice: never fall in love with someone who has more problems than you do.)

Maybe you should look around at who you would like to date. Are you drawn to overweight men? Can you honestly say that you wouldn't be more attracted to the same man if he was in better shape. I don't think it's shallow. But then I have a lot of friends that think I should not let my weight affect me as much as it does concerning jobs and men. Good luck with surgery. I am so glad I had mine done, May 20, 2015.

This is a very interesting post and great conversation on the subject!!