I stand before you now, fellow bandsters, humble. This is a celebration of my two-year baniversary on Saturday (yay!) but also a cautionary tale (cue *heavy* music).

A year ago, I wrote my one-year bandiversary post. You can read it again here.

A year ago, I was positive, upbeat. I'd lost 90 lbs and felt great! But I read that post again and see the beginning of difficulties. The downswing was starting.....

Year One was the year of tenacity. I lost almost 100lbs in a year. I was a success!! I stuck obsessively to my low carb diet. I ate small, I ate low carb, I exercised and I was rewarded with rapid weight loss.

Year Two has been a struggle. A dogfight. Filled with a lot of sadness, depression and fighting the internal demons (what the venerable Jack calls "The Dragon").

First, the results: In Year Two, I've lost a meager 22 lbs. Now, I'll take that. I'll take a loss over a gain anytime. But sitting at a 110 lb loss since surgery, I'm still about thirty lbs from goal. And those 30 lbs feel like the highest mountain in the world to overcome.

This past year has been about being way too smart for my own damn good. I remember my surgeon telling me that people "get smart" about their band and learn how to eat around it. In Year Two, I stopped being scared of a PB and dove headfirst into trying any and all foods. Hey, some worked. Like cookies. Did you know that the right kind of cookie goes down with the greatest of ease? Especially if it's lubed up with some ice cream! Wooo!

Yeah. I took my eye off the ball. Now, it's due to Trink (my band) that in a year of running amok and eating quantities of cookies and ice cream (and a whole variety of other things that I shouldn't) I didn't gain weight. It was Marimaru who said recently, in this post that, "When I'm not good I don't gain weight, which is all thanks to my band, and when I am good, I lose slowly, which is frustrating, but it's the right direction and that's how my band works for me." Man, I read those words and it just drilled right to the heart. This is how my band is working for me, now, too.

Year Two has been A LOT of not being good. I've nowhere to place the blame but my own two shoulders.

So on this Two Year Bandiversary, below are the biggest lessons learned to date about the band. I want to put this out there as much as anything for someone who is considering the surgery.

What I've learned:

1) My doctor told me this, and I glossed over it....wanted to believe otherwise. But here we go.

The band works best when you are eating right.

There you have it.

We ALL want it to work best when we eat crap because it prevents overeating. Sure, and there is plenty of crap food I really CAN'T eat. But the trickster brain will find some kind of crap food that WILL go through. I can't eat cake. Clogs the pipes. However, I CAN eat cake if I mush it up with ice cream. And it goes through REAL easy.

However....when I eat salads, and proteins, and don't drink liquid with meals...I fill up quickly, stay full longer and lose weight.

This I think is the MOST undersold problem with the band. It *requires* participation. It's mentioned that you have to "work harder" at the band than you do RNY in the initial years. It's true.

It's this rule I've faltered on the most this year.....

2) They aren't kidding in all those magazines and TV shows when they say the best way to lose weight is to exercise.

'Nuff said.

3) It's all about the fill. Don't fight getting a fill. Don't fight getting unfilled.

Being overfilled doesn't make you more moral, a better bandster or a better person because you can endure misery.

Being under filled or not having a fill doesn't make you a failure.

I see so many folks get so bound up about fills. Fighting against getting one when they need it or fighting against having some taken out when *clearly* they are overfilled.

I know, I was one of those folks. I went one year with the same level of fill.

In year two I've had a variety of fills and unfills, tinkering with what works. My body changes, how the band feels changes and because of that I need the fill levels to change. My doctor supports this.

If your surgeon offers a "support" plan where you pay an amount for all the visits and fills you can use, take it. Then you don't think about it, you just go in and have it taken care of.

I wish I'd internalized this lesson a little more at the start. The band is not a "static state". Again, in this way, it requires your particpation.

And finally....

3) The demons you have about food don't go away. In fact, something about the band actually magnifies them. My loving bf suggested recently that maybe I should have the band out because instead of giving me a feeling of control, it gives me a feeling of beating myself against a wall about food.

Just recently, I had to admit to my therapist that I've once again become a full-fledged bulimic. Thankfully with her guidance, it was a short-lived return of this terrible problem, but for a while there, it was back with a vengeance.

This was me fighting myself, fighting The Dragon, fighting the band.

Sometimes, I want so desperately to eat a big cheeseburger and fries I feel like I could rip my eyes out to be able to do so. Yes, that sounds dramatic, but sometimes I feel like that.

Thankfully the feeling always passes.

But biggest lesson here is don't go into this surgery alone. Get a good therapist. Get a good support group in place. This process isn't easy. But it is manageable.

Having a restrictive device on your stomach doesn't make your issues go away. It makes you have to face them, head on, unflinchingly.

So at Year Two what do all these lessons mean?

Well, it means I really do love and need my band. I feel like it's both a lifesaver and the bane of my existence. It's my job to "do the work" to continue to make it a lifesaver.

I've now been about two weeks back on track and suddenly, once again, with eating right and small portions, the band feels good again. Weight is easing off.

These last thirty pounds look insurmountable. I know they aren't. Just have to stay head down, hardworking.

So today I celebrate my Bandiversary. I really do.

And as I blow out the candles on my sugar free sweets, my fondest wish for Year Three is to find some peace, some calm, some sense that food doesn't haunt me, it nourishes me.

My goal is to make friends with food. Right now I'm taking advantage of this friend and it's not going well. If I can find balance, if I can learn to love my body "as is", if I can just make peace with eating, then this will have truly been a successful journey.

Today, I mark my success in lessons, not pounds.

Wish me luck. I’m plugging my nose and jumping back in........

(if you slogged through my whole quite pensive post, thank you! )

Bawilliams1 - wow, congrats on your success and making goal!! Wow, I want to be in that "maintain" stage!! I'm *really* good at maintaining! That's actually true, the band works SO well for me at "maintaining". Oh well, I still have some work to do, right?

I also sometimes slip into too many liquid calories or mushies. Sometimes it's just easier, right? I recently got a bit of an unfill and now if I do liquids I get WAY too hungry. I *must* eat hard Proteins and veggies to stay full. It's a constant battle.....

Dear Karen,

Thank you for your wisdom and experience. We certainly can all relate to our common struggles.

I've read many of your posts over the last year or so. Congratulations on TWO successful years! This is such a journey of self-discovery! Thank you for your insightful reflection. You have caused me to also reflect on where I am in this process. There are so many issues that I have not yet faced.

Through several plateaus I have nearly given up hope. Luckily, this forum, and specifically my April bandsters' exercise group has kept my "head down" in working towards the final goal. I can attest to all of the benefits of exercise.

Although there are 20-30 pounds to drop to get to my personal goal, I am thankful every day to have this life. I feel free! Not only do I feel good, but the social benefits are tremendous. People are nicer to me. I am treated with more respect. Heads turn. Just today someone mentioned that I look younger every year. And I was also mistaken for Kate Winslet! A year ago, NO ONE noticed me. And I was thankful because I preferred to hide. Now life is an exciting adventure. Even tacking these last stubborn pounds will NOT get me down!

So, let's dig our heels in tomorrow and eat salad with chicken and have a great workout, okay??!

I think I will look into getting an eating disorder therapist. I'm nuts to think the insanity magically won't come back. Great posts (both of them). I wonder what next year's will bring.

Wow, can I relate. I am out about 2 years as well, and have not been a "good" bandster. My loss has been slow and not steady. I am down 50 in almost 2 years. But...without my band I surely would have been up at least 50 more plus another 50. I got a fill yesterday and today I am recommitted - again. If the band could go around my head I would be much better.

Thanks hun , Congrads on making in TWO years though..I hit my two years out 8/8 I am currently 123.5 lbs down..

You know what I find the most hopeful about your post - that even with a year of not really being a model bandster you didn't gain weight.

WHen I was considering the surgery I can remember telling my husband that I would be satisfied if the only thing the Band did was help me to never gain another pound even if I never lost anything.

Congratulations on your two years!

Karen, thanks for such a wonderful, insightful post! There's not a single word in there I disagree with. You're an inspiration!

Karen,

Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us. I am in the mid stages of working towards getting my band and look forward to reaching a milestone of my own. Your story is very informative and realistic. THANKS again for being so open & honest about your struggles to get to where you are today. HAPPY BANDAVERSARY!!!!

Boo - Wow, comparison to Kate Winslet? Just, wow. You are foine! Thanks for the inspiration. And yeah, today, so far, eating is good. Been PMS'ing real bad and wanting sugar. I gotta get on top of that!

insubordination - yeah, if you've struggled with an ED in the past, definitely look into getting support now. It can really f*ck with your head, you know? Hang in there, PM or email me if you need back up!

nurse4126 - each day is another choice to take another step forward, you know? I agree, a band around that part of my brain that thinks sugar is the BEST would be nice. *sigh*

liberty2003 - 123 lbs down? YOU. ARE. MY. HERO. Wow. Huge congratulations on your amazing success!!!

Hazelbunny - I think that's the hugest thing about the band, what makes me want to keep this thing forever....even when I eat bad stuff, I can't eat anywhere NEAR the quantities that I could. It forces me to stop....THAT makes it all worth it.

Alexandra - THANK YOU for all your hard work here on the boards. I swear I almost started crying when I read about your recent troubles. I'd always looked to you as "the long term" bandster with all the answers. You still have all the answers and you get a new band too! How are things, by the way??

BadGirlinFL - thanks!!! I believe in being open about all this stuff. It's been such a blessing (and a curse) for me. It is important for us all to be open about what troubles us so we can better figure out how to fix it, you know?

Again, thanks for all the great words!! It's amazing!! Ya'll rock!!!!

Congratulations on 2 years, and thank you so much for your wonderful words of wisdome - a wise person learns from others mistakes, so I plan on learning from yours. Thank you for sharring! You will be a success, in my books, you already are!

That was a fabulous post. I am getting a band within the next two months and have a ton of questions. Mostly, I am concerned that I will not eat properly (since this is obviously a problem for me!) but your post made me feel hopeful because you sound like me! Congratulation on coming so far and thank you for sharing.

thanks for this....... I am just starting out and next week is fill #2..... I feel like a failure.. I had planned to be much further along by now, but alas I gained weight last week on my vacations and today I feared the scale and have not eaten anything yet.......

Your post really hit home... REALLY hit home

Everyone considering getting a band should read this post. I am 18 months out, lost 60lbs, had a baby and getting ready to have a surgery for my band this Friday due to complications. I will have to start the program all over again, liquids, mushy's, etc. I'm almost happy about that. I had every intention of not getting a fill after I had my baby and doing a diet. My body had other plans.

Just like I posted the night before my surgery, this is not a cake walk. But I had the option of taking this thing out, and decided it's still worth it.

Good luck to all of us!

karen you are an amazing woman.stay away from the cakes and icecream,they are the devil to bandsters.you have lost a lot and you diserve an applaud.happy baniversary to you.i look up to you now.i will read your thread all the time.thanks poochie.

Everyone considering getting a band should read this post. I am 18 months out, lost 60lbs, had a baby and getting ready to have a surgery for my band this Friday due to complications. I will have to start the program all over again, liquids, mushy's, etc. I'm almost happy about that. I had every intention of not getting a fill after I had my baby and doing a diet. My body had other plans.

Just like I posted the night before my surgery, this is not a cake walk. But I had the option of taking this thing out, and decided it's still worth it.

Good luck to all of us!