okay, so many of you may be wondering where on earth Ive been, and what Ive been doing? Well it has been a bumpy road to tell you the truth...I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which I am still trying to find a cheap therapist to really evaluate me again because I really really dont think that I am. I moved back to my hometown due to excessive partying, overspending, and lack of school work. I have to pay for my own college now, which is not a result of losing the money this year, we really could not afford another year at a 4-year university. I am going to finish out my Associates at the community college I attended in High School, I only have a year left, then I can take that degree and hopefully get a job that can help me pay for my Bachelors. I havent given up on my education whatsoever. I moved back to my hometown also to get my life straight, and to chill out with the party scene. I only go out on the weekends, which I only include Friday and Saturday night. Im doing really well with my drinking as far as not doing it as often as I used to, Im very happy for that, I was on the road to alcoholism.

Now for the bad...Im very depressed since I moved back, I am trying to get a good job here in hopes of getting back to Corpus Christi ASAP! No real good bites so far but Im trying. Recently I was diagnosed with having multiple, large Ovarian Cysts which I will have checked again in June as well as a cancer test, just to be sure. Im a little scared because I am displaying MANY symptoms of the known cancer symptoms, however that doesnt necessarily mean I have it. I am infertile, but its only temporary, for about 2-3 years, which Im too young to have children right now anyway. Recently, I had the worst weekend in a LONG time, and I just cant help to think it wouldnt have happened had I been in CC. It started Friday night.......

Friday night I called and had my friend (Mando) buy me and my friend some beer...Ive known him for about 7 years! And when he got back he charged me an extra 6 dollars for getting it for me, which is ridiculous because he was already at the beer store buying for other ppl, BUT not to be the Bitch, I just paid it. My friend and I went to use the restroom, came back and EVERY SINGLE BEER was GONE, disappeared from the fridge! My best friend's BF and his friend let me have their beer so I was cool, but I figured out Mando took our beer, which is ridiculous! So we are all boozing, having fun, and all that left at that party are the two guys that live there, their friend, my friend and her man, and Mando and I. Im a little tipsy, and when Im that way I dont get mad at anything or anyone, I love the world, so Mando and I are talking or whatever and he's like lets go to my house and grab another CD, I trust him because Ive known him FOREVER, never would have touched me when I was bigger...he made a pass at me and I shot him down. Then next thing I know he gets me in the car and drives off too fast for me to jump out...he took me to someones house and raped me...I fought back best I could without causing too big a scene....last thing I need is the Mafia after me for ratting him out....I cant really do anything about it....ofcourse you all are going to say I shouldve reported it, but gangs here are scary, hes not in one, BUT they would back him because he is mexican and Im white...I have to live here another year, I dont need my life to be miserable, or worse, ended. Then Saturday night, no body knows what happened Friday, nor will they ever, mind you Im still upset about the previous night, the only reason I went out is because I knew he wouldnt be there, someone starts running their head asking me what did mando and I do the previous night....I got pissed off and just said, "absolutely nothing." Then some other guys made some lude comments about women, which pissed me off....I went to another party with other friends and get a phone call that all my old neighbors (whom I lent a lot of money and other items too, they used me til I had nothing left), stole some decorations and stuff off my door in CC....I got pissed off, got into with all of them, BUT it felt so good to let it all out. My Saturday night was mostly ruined.....THEN Sunday I got a phone call from a lawyer in Corpus and they wanted to hire me onto their firm starting at secretary, then moving up to Paralegal! Had they called 2 weeks ago, I would still be in CC and none of this would have happened.

Also, I called Dr. Spiegel's office this morning, and Ive got to tell you, they have the worse customer service EVER! I havent been in town, and I need a fill BADLY! Im gaining weight. Im going to be in the area on Thursday, but they couldnt do it, so I was like well, I can wait as long as the 20th of May......they couldnt get me in til June 11! Thats too late, thats a 2 hour drive for me and gas is almost $3 a gallon! I cant afford a trip JUST to get a fill, I had other things to do in the area before the 20th, now I have to make 2 freakin trips! They used to would be be able to get me in within a week or week and a half! Im so pissed and upset about the situation!

So there's my life for the past little while, if youve read my previous posts youre probably wondering what about the boys? WELL........I got rid of the bartender, the breakup issue was actually my fault, lol, however it was funny! The stripper and I still talk every now and then, but its strictly that, I had started seeing the bartender's friend (which probably wasnt the best of ideas lol) but had to end it when I left, however he still calls me and checks on me whenever he has time.....AND through the magic of MySpace, a waiter that had flirted with me at a restuarant a little, but I didnt pick up on it, found me and without being creepy told me that he thought I was gorgeous the first time he saw me, and thats why he picked up the table! It wasnt even in his section! AWWWWW! lol He's actually a good guy! I wish I was back in CC, he knows Im not there and he wants me to come back so badly! I want to too. Hes super cute, in the Navy, and so far a gentleman, however they all are at first lol!

So there it is..........sorri so long

Good luck Jodi I hope you can pass this bad time fast and I really wish you to be positive person so you can move on. Good luck.

Jodie... the county or city that you live in should have a mental health department that can point you in the right direction of low cost or free mental health care. Sounds like you are low income so you should have no trouble qualifying. I know smililar things have been suggested to you before on your other thread and I can't help but wonder why you haven't taken those suggestions before? If you look hard enough there is aways a solution.

I don't think anyone here called you a liar. I think you are SCREAMING for help in both this thread and your old thread. People that have posted here are just giving their HONEST OPINION. I'm not sure what exactly you were looking for by posting this but i sincerely hope you get some help... quickly. I'm sure their is a rape crisis center in your area. You don't have to disclose who the rapist is to get help. Please, please please get help.

Why does this always turn into a Jodie's Crazy thread everytime??? And I myself am low-income, however my parents, whom still claim me, do not qualify for such assistance. I am under them, and their income level is too high for assistance. TRUST me thats why Im not working on my bachelor's right now. And yes, I was called a liar on here...................Why am I screaming for help? Well, I mean now things are getting worse inside my head, but before I was fine, I was positively splendid, and I was still accused of being crazy??? I was just trying to have some fun, MY entire school career, I stayed home alllll the time, I didnt party, go clubbing, drink much, nothing....I went to a new years party and prom party my senior year, thats the extent of my partying at an earlier age......I guess I got to college and let myself go....I never had rules at home, Ihad a curfew and thats it.......now I dont even have that, and Im having fun, or was at college......I had too much fun. I was just letting myself have a good time, so thats bad?

Im just ur average 19/20 year old girl thats finally let herself have fun...who cares if someone thinks Im fat? Who cares if they think Im ugly? Who cares? SO WHAT! as Tyra would say....I go and have fun. Is there something wrong with that?

I dont know what I am, but Im NOT bi-polar! OKAY! Everyone gets depressed every now and then, so If I get depressed once every two or three months, and thats considered bipolar because Im usually happy or mad, then I know quite a few serious cases of bipolar disorder....I mean I know girls that cry and get down if their boyfriend looks at em funny or something stupid like that. Im not bipolar, its just that. I have the right to be sad sometimes, its just another emotion, why should it be ignored all the time....Sometimes it feels good to cry.

*I didnt attack anyone, I can respect anyone else's opinion as much as I possibly can...Because I give mine, and I want it to be respected too. HOWEVER I dont like my moral to be attacked, nor my intelligence, nor my body...take a stab at anything else....just not that.*

I'm sorry I wasted my time with my previous post. You apparently just want everyone here to feed you a line of BS and not give their honest opinion.

Jodie being bipolar does not make you crazy. You are the one who keeps using that word. Plenty of people here have given you advice to try and help you but you seem to just want to do your own thing. Fine, do your own thing if that makes you feel better.

There are plenty of people in the world who can't afford everything they would like. However for some if they know it is necessary they will do everything in their means to get it. My point is that if you really wanted that fill you would save up money for it. You would find another job, you would do something other than complain.

The meaning of alcohol having empty calories is that they are just more calories to burn that give you no nutritional value. If a beer has 120 calories and the "typical 19-20 year old" has 6 beers, that is 720 extra calories you have had for the day.

Dear Jodie,

I have read this entire thread and I believe that even if you are not bi-polar, you are suffering from some sort of depression that should be addressed by a mental health therapist. And no, this does not mean you are crazy. The rape in and of itself is enough to warrant psychiatric attention. You shouldn't assume that simply posting the horrific event will be adequate enough to placate your psyche. Only a degreed professional can make that determination. You should also consider others' suggestions of seeking county public assistance. Even if you don't qualify, you could receive information of professionals who work on a sliding scale making treatment/therapy affordable to you. What ever your decision, I truly wish you the best of luck.

Peace Out,

T~:hippie:

OK Jodie listen up...

I'm not here to bash you, call you crazy or a liar or tell you what you HAVE to do.. you can take this for exactly what it is..advise. OR you can throw up your defences..OR you can click the little "X" up in the corner and just leave the post...

My name is Melissa, I'm 31 and I AM BIPOLAR! So what? Does that make me a crazed insane out of control person? NOPE! I was diagnosed when I was 24 and it took a very long time to get a correct diagnosis.

I also went to the Dr thinking I was only depressed..afterall, my great-grandmother was just murdered...of course I was depressed. I started taking antidepressants and I slowly began to get worse...it threw me into a manic phase.. I worked 12+ hours a day with no breaks or lunch, 6 days a week for months. I never slept, and hardly ate. Don't even ask about my impulsive decisions....completely out of control. Then one day I just kinda snaped... I was at my desk and started crying hysterically for no reason. Apparently I went home... I do not remember the drive home or the following 3 hours or so. My thoughts were racing...I can only describe it as having a million thoughts in your head at once and not being able to grasp one thought long enough to comprehend what you are thinking before the next thought jumped in. I was terrified.

I also am more depressed than manic. In a weird way, I can almost handle being manic... more energy, less appetite....but then it always turns on you. and YES, of course depression can be crushing and difficult to face...but it CAN be done.

It took me a VERY long time to accept the diagnosis. And even longer to get a right medication combo that worked for me. I also had to accept that I would be on meds the rest of my life. I've had a few relapses...but for the last 4 years I've never felt better. The way I look at it is.... OK, if I were Type 1 Diabetic I would be on insulin shots for the rest of my life.... is it hard for a Type 1 Diabetic to admit they have Diabetes? Prob not, because they have learned to accept that it is part of their life...just as I had to accept being Bipolar is always going to be part of who I am. I'm over it.. I have very supportive family and very supportive friends.

Reading your posts remind me alot of the old me. Its scary for everyone including you and the people who love you.

Treatment is out there, if you want it. If you are no longer a full time student you parents can no longer claim you. Even so, go apply for assistance.. the worst they can say is no.. am I right? And if they do say no, then go find a FREE support group... you'll find they normally meet at halls or churches at least once a week.

Best of luck to you.

Melissa, thank you for sharing your experience. Who knows how many people you may have helped today? :hug:

Alexandra... It took a LONG time for me to accept who I am. And being bipolar is as much a part of me as anything else. I'm no longer ashamed of who I am.

well....seeing as how I am probably the only person on this site that is close to jodie's age, (18) I thought I'd throw my 2 cents in.

1. Jodi I'm not quite sure as to what kind of response you were hoping for from that thread...there wasn't really a question that you needed answer. maybe I am wrong.

2. I am 18 too. I know what it's like to want to go part. I have been out of highschool since i was 16. I worked my a** off to graduate early and have been working full time and going to school ever since. It feels ALOT better than going out partying with people who CLEARLY are not the best people around. Don't get me wrong I sitll have some appletinies with my best friends and just kick back. It's alot more fun partying when you are in control of the situation

3. As for being raped. I can completly understand what you mean. I too went thru something like this and honestly just acted as if it didn't happen. I did seek counseling and found that yes there are soem counselers that PISS me off cause i KNOW they don't know where i am comign from but I eventually did find one that just got me...it takes a few.

4. There is nothing wrong with being bi-polar...not saying you are...my sister is bi-polar...i love her dearly i just have to make sure to be catious of her moods.

5. You're right eveyone does go thru things in life people get sad people get super happy...but there are sometimes where those emotions can be too much.

I'm not here to judge anyone or hurt anyones feelings....but when you said "tpypical 19/20 who wants to go out and party" i am your typical 19/20 year old and thats not what i do for fun. no i wasnt a loser in high school with no friends and thats why i dont party. my friends and i go camping road trips all the good stuff. dont get me wrong i have LOTS of fun...it just sounds like your having fun in not so fun places.

Jodie- you can start by going to AA it is free and it will help you evaluate whether your alcohol use is negatively impacting your life. It's free and confidential. Good luck to you.

I havent posted in a while...Im relapsing from all my therapy I had 2 years ago...I just dont get why I feel this way in my hometown...I actually have friends here now...Im not going out every night nemore and I feel good about that....I just dont get it....BTW Im living with my mom and dad again, and they absolutely do not support me being bipolar and my mother checks my medicine to see if Ive taken it, and if I have then all hell breaks lose at my house...so therefore its pointless because she is going to depress me anyway....how can someone I love soooooooooooooo much be so harsh on me! I dont mind being bipolar, I just cant live with mother minding...Ive completely relapsed today, I knew it was coming, but I wasnt sure when, and today was it..........I fought it SOOOOO hard, I really really really did, but I couldnt help it, and have gone back to my old ways (which I prefer not to discuss unless asked directly)..........They wont allow me to go back to CC....I have 2 jobs waiting on me there, yet they wont allow it.......

We dont have support groups here that I know of, and Ive lived here my entire life except one year....I do not think Im an alcoholic, I can live without drinking, NOW.....a month or so before I would have said differently, however Ive got that issue under control......I cant find a job here for some reason........It seems like I get the breaks in life in all the wrong places....... Melissa I understand that you are 18, but I will tell you from my experience there's a big difference between 18 and 20...I KNOW its only 2 years.......however life experiences and such really are a factor......BTW I love being a socialite, it gets you connections and such, plus its fun! But I just think I made a mistake moving home, I guess you're never truly cured of mental illness.....I dont mind the advice, and I know I make a lot of excuses, however they are all true....Im just responding to what has previously been said......Im not necessarily trying to argue, just converse......but afterall I am on a Pre-Law path, and its SUPER hard for me to back down on my side, especially after all the debates and such Ive gone through my past 2 years in college.

There are AA groups just about everywhere, and if that doesn't seem like a fit, there are support groups for other issues as well, including for bipolar. There are also county mental health offices in each county that can tell you what services are available. And there are rape crisis centers that keep information confidential.

FYI: There are usually more services paid for for BP and depression than for Borderline PD, and insurance if you have it usually covers more for BP.

I know this is frustrating, but it's not at all unusual to have a Borderline Personality Disorder and then have other diagnoses as well. BPD truly does seem to "borderline" the symptoms of other problems.

All of which is to say that seeking help on a variety of fronts is probably a good use of your time while you are in transition. You could probably get a lot of work done and over with before you head back to pursue your law career, and that would be time well spent. It would also give you some goals for your time while you are with your folks.

Best wishes to you, Jody.

I'm a little late in getting to this thread, but what do you mean your parents 'wont allow' you to move? What are they doing to stop you? If you can't get a job in your town, and you have work available to you elsewhere, what's stopping you? Especially if your mother isn't being supportive at a time where you could really use it. It looks like you've accepted your bipolar diagnosis, but the medication only goes so far if you have a catalyst for mood swings (ie; your mom freaking out on you). If you are waiting for your parents to pay for you to move, then you need to stop that and just go. It will be rough until you get a couple of paychecks at one of the new jobs you say you have waiting for you, but you'll be away from your mom who is toxic to you right now, and where you want to be..

I'm not going to call you a liar. I'm not going to call you stupid. What I am going to say is that you do need to see a therapist. I understand the cost, but perhaps you might try to call your local health department- they have mental health services and they have it on what is called a sliding-scale basis (you pay according to what you earn; which for you is nothing since you aren't earning an income right now). There are crisis lines to call which you do not have to give your name and they will help you. You can find these by looking in the blue pages in your phone book.

Are you medicated? Are you taking your medication as prescribed? Does the medication say not to drink alcohol with them? Please know that I am not judging you. You sound as if you are in a lot of pain and need help. Please go get the help you need. What gives me the right to say these things? I AM a therapist. Please take my advice.