Hey girlfriends,

So of course, as my surgery date draws near, I've been thinking a lot about my upcoming "sleevization" and all my previous weight loss attempts. My last big weight loss was in 2010/2011. I worked HARD dieting and exercising (sometimes for 2 hours a night 3 days a week) and went from 270 to 187lbs. Size 22 to 14 (and some 12's).

It was SUCH a struggle and such a victory. I've battled with weight my entire life and had REALLY made a lifestyle change. I became a beast in the gym and truly evolved from an exercise hater to an exercise lover.

Right towards the end of my journey, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and got pretty sick. Couldn't really exercise anymore and thus, my healthy lifestyle went right out the winda!

After a few months on prednisone (the devils choice pharmaceutical), I had gained a whopping 50lbs. Once I got there, I just said "FML" (f*** my life) and spiraled into a pity party complete with cakes, ice cream, donuts, Cookies, etc.

Shortly after that, a bipolar II diagnosis came along. Perfect timing right? More meds, more weight gain and here I am at 279lbs.

As I gained the weight back, I furiously put ALL of my cute little clothes into plastic bin exile because looking at them was even more excruciating than my disease.

As I've now made the decision to try to end this lifelong nightmare by having VSG, I have new hope for myself and my life.

So, last night I pulled those bins out of the closet in my spare bedroom. I smelled and touched them. I imagined myself back in those clothes. I remembered how cute and sexy I was. I began to really, really miss the girl who used to wear those clothes.

I broke out into full on sobs holding those clothes in my hands. I cried for the loss of who I was. I cried because a bunch of things beyond my control started my descent back to this place. I cried because instead of getting back on track after getting off prednisone (which I will NEVER go on again), I gave up on my healthy lifestyle AND I gave up on myself. I cried because I MISSED working out IMMENSELY but felt too much shame in my fat body to go back to the gym.

Lastly, I cried because I knew that soon, I'd be making my way back into those clothes. That vision moved me very deeply. It was much more of an emotional experience than I expected.

I'll be back in those clothes again. It's the most empowering, assuring feeling I think I've ever felt.

Have any of you had experiences like this or am I the only assclown sitting in the closet and crying while clutching clothes I can't even stuff a calf into?

Edited December 5, 201312 yr by KittyChick

It is funny (not literally) because I was just putting my clothes away and then I read this post. I'm currently waiting for my insurance approval and I'm a nervous wreck. I'm on an emotional roller-coaster. I'm trying to maintain faith that things will work out. When I start doubting things, I say "it will work out." Anyway, back to the clothes haha. I was putting my clothes away and thinking what am I going to wear once I lose weight?? Then I started to reflect on my clothes collection.

Like you, I lost weight with some dedication. My depression and poor habits brought it back. (I also have been diagnosed with bipolar) I noticed that I have been in a "sweat pant rut." I was using them to workout. Now I sit around in them. It is very counterproductive. I realize that clothes can signify our our journeys in life. For us yo-yoers, we have gone up and down in sizes. Clothes remain dormant "just in case." I came to the point where I threw it all out accept for one pair of size 12s. I haven't worn them in about 7 years. I'm rambling now lol. As women I think we understand the depression of not fitting into clothes. I can't think of anything more empowering than taking those size 12s off of the shelf and fitting into them. I think that our situations make us enjoy the small things once again. Good luck!!

Wow! Terrible grammar. You will have to excuse me ha.

You are definitely not an ass clown! I love that term though! LOL You are going through a normal process that is very cathartic and cleansing! It was probably the best thing you could do for yourself! I think you are going to do fantastic with your sleeve. You want this I can tell in your thread. Just hang on to those clothes because you are going to be in them before you know it!!

Kitty, you are not alone.

I shed a lot of tears over a lot of stuff over the past few months. It's all part of the process and journey.

A couple of weeks before surgery, I cleaned out my closet of the "fat girl clothes" that I absolutely hated. I also found a box of my "skinny clothes". I still have the outfit that I wore the day I met my husband - I vow I will fit into that outfit again.

You'll do just fine - just be good to yourself and allow yourself to have emotions and assclown moments - at the end of the day, we're all assclowns!!!!!

Best of luck to you.

Krissyu84, Beach Lover, McButterpants-

Now that's some support. Thank you ladies. It's comforting to know people are in this place. It feels so lonely sometimes!

Let me tell you- I have loathed myself during this whole debacle. Loathed. I refused to take pictures. I hated to be looked at PERIOD.

I made a concentrated effort not to look in mirrors- except for when I did my makeup. Looking at my reflection in the glass windows when I walked into work was one of the worst parts of my day, because I couldn't avoid the sight of myself.

Well, the strangest thing has happened. I've reach a point in the last month or so where I don't bother to shy away from mirrors. I'm not ashamed or hiding and that self loathing is pretty much gone. It's hard to explain but when I see myself, I see the "temporary" me. I don't know if that makes sense but even though I'm still in this body, I've said goodbye to it. This period in my life is ending. It's no longer about the "right now". IT'S ABOUT THE FUTURE!

You are so definitely not alone. We all have our assclown moments! I think its healthy. I think you will be great. I got so frustrated with my never ending fatness I gave away most of my thin cloths about 4 1/2 years ago because I thought I would never get back into them. I wish I could hold them while I cry over them.

*Taps microphone* Hello all, I am kchula and I too am an ass clown!!... LOL...KittyChick I relate with not wanting to look at my reflection in the window as I walk into work. I criticize my walk on a daily basis.. as I find it non-sexy and frumpy (I even feel that way about my clothes).. but NO MORE come 12/27!! I have vowed to violate the HR dress code at my job at least once a month... LOL.. I cant wait to get my sexy walk back again... Best of luck.