I've been thinking about this post for quite some time. I'm just about at goal (within 10 pounds, at least), and all of a sudden I have body image issues. Well, perhaps less body image as overall self-image issues. I really do not understand it. I'm starting to think that this whole time these issues were simply latent and so, subconsciously, I created the bigger issue of having too much excess weight, so I didn't have to deal with the OTHER issues, like will men like me for ME? I'm sure this has been exacerbated by a recent big breakup where I was told by a man I thought I was going to marry that he still had strong feelings for another woman who was, essentially, more 'attractive' than I was. But I wouldn't have so many issues with that statement if it wasn't my worst fear in the first place.

Okay, any psychoanalysts out there? Am I crazy, or what? I have certainly turned to God for help, but I think He helps those who help themselves. What is it that we can do to overcome some of these issues? I have been thinking of finding someone to emulate who displays those self-confidence qualities (especially around men), but I'm not sure how to find this person or even know what to look for in their behavior.

Puddin

You are a strong woman, you do not need a man in a hurry so this guy can see you with one.

Ignore him pretend he is not there. Stand on you own 2 feet and be proud that you do not need a man in your life to feel whole.

Specially be proud that you have won the weight battle and now you are doing a triathalon(sp).

Bask in the glory of that and do not let a stupid man ruin your achievement.

DO NOT give him your power. Lossing the amount of weight you have lost in the matter that you have lost it makes you a super woman and you deserve a super man and a super man you are not going to find in any ol' corner the universe is waiting for the right time in both your lives (he could be going thru some rough times and once he is out of that and he can be the best for you he will appear) to unite you two. You may be ready but he may not be.

Thank God these guys leave your life before you marry them and then realize the kind of jerks they are.

I asked my husband once where were you before I married my ex husband and he said you would have not liked me then. When we were both ready we found eachother and we are very happy. I married my first husband 11 yrs ago at that time my husband was married to his first wife and he was not financially stable, then he married again and started to get his life in order divorce and 1 yr after he divorced we met.

I still say go out have fun don't expect anything go with the flow.

You are a Goddess enjoy it, love it, live it.

Thanks ladies! I decided after the last text to the ex that I would text NO MORE, no matter what he texted me. He wants to get together before the tri and do some bike runs together - this is how we originally met. He's acting all innocent, like nothing's going to happen. But THEN he's like "so where are you staying in Edmonton? Who are you doing the tri with?" These are his questions to find out if I have a boyfriend right now. He IS the jealous type, so I didn't privy him to that information. But it doesn't matter. It would never work with him right now, the way we both are.

BUT, despite the fact that we had sex and we both don't believe in having it before marriage (in a big, big way), we can both repent. He may just turn out to be a good person one day - but it will take time for him. He IS a good person, but he has addictions. We fit perfectly together, if only he didn't have a sexual addiction and physical feelings for a woman he had an affair with while married. I think he sorta hated me after because he thought I was a morally strong girl (which I am), but I had a weak moment (er, at least a weak weekend). He was good for a full year - no playing "solitaire", no women... nothing... until I came around. So I think he can change, I do. But it will take time for both of us. I can't control myself around him and he can't around me. I did tell him I lost 30 pounds and had a tummy tuck since I last saw him (8 weeks ago). But see, since he arrived in Houston tonight he hasn't texted. I have a feeling he will be strong as well and not contact me any more. He's stronger than he gives himself credit for.

Oh dear, I have set myself back a full month, I think!

:kiss2: Puddin

I think you are doing the right thing! It sounds like your heart knows that this is not a good relationship for either of you, that message just needs to make it up to your head.

Have you told him that you just can't be his friend, and you don't work as boyfriend/girlfriend so it is time to stop? I wonder if that will help him move on, then after that do the no more text. He may need to know why first. But then again after what you said it may not help! Good luck and keep us updated!

Okay chocolate, I am so very, very worried about you now.

Thanx Puddin. I wouldnt worry, even though Im a long way from goal and a far ways from handeling an abundance of suitors this is something I am working one actively. but it is definately scary. Ive been selfconscious for so long its going to be strange when I look different. Ive never been thin, ever and its going to be a serious adjustment.

I read your Blog and have seen what youve gone through and I see myself. This is a good thing because youre handling it great, with a sense of humor and not falling into overeating. You keep going towards self improvement physically and spiritually (Im not religious at all but I certainly repect your dedication and faith) Your progress is INSANE! :clap2:

Even though Im not much of an expert, I believe what conniesueb said, love find you when you least expect it. Wouldnt it be super if I responded on command. So while i wait, one of the goals in this Quest to change my life is to prepare my self to be loved and to give love. I also have to prepare for heartbreak and temptation. Im an utter newbie at relationships but I know that while Im not a "wait till marriage" girl I am a "serious commitment" girl. I understand that in this world that is going to be a hardsell for most guys but I must be strong. But as we all know the flesh is weak.

kyethra, Your self esteem is awesome. Even though my soon to be skinny body freaks me out I do have a pretty good relationship with my 300lb body. I have great skin its soft, smooth, and clear. Im 6'1 so my legs go on FOREVER. I have a beautiful smile and a devastating rack (that im sure are gonna need some lifting at goal). One of my most favorite things about my body is that I am a true hour glass figure.

I really like the idea of stating what we love about our bodies, wherever we are in the journey.

I marvel at the self-confidence that many of you seem to have. That issue is my downfall. I have always tried too hard to be lovable, when I am naturally easy to love. My boundaries were crap - after lots of therapy and life experience I am of the mind that no one is worth giving up on my self worth to get them to love me. Either it is there or it isn't. I am not inviting or seeking relationships at the moment, I want to lose the weight, adjust to the new body and healthy lifestyle and then if someone wants to share life with me I might let them get close. At this point I am loving myself enough and am not looking for outside confirmation to be worthy. Man, it's taken me years and many pounds to get here. Smiles to all of you. Loving who I am at this moment is the most paradoxical thought to me. But that's where I am at.

Dynamomini--I think you are in a wonderful place! Loving yourself first above evreyone and everything else is the most important thing. There is nothing wrong with feeling that way. And I'm sure that as your journey progresses, your self-confidence will too. Bottom line is, you have to take care of yourself and put yourself first, and that is what you are doing. By the way, what part of Colorado are you in? I live in Pueblo.

Puddin - you are lightyears ahead of others in your shoes. Most people would stop at, "I don't know why I do this" but you have some really great insight. Because of that, the best I can say is "go with your gut". Your brain is moving in the best direction possible. Let it be your guide. You know what you're doing, and you know how to get there... you just have to see it through and fight all the things (ex'es) that will tempt you along the way.

Good for you. You're a strong woman. And I think I'm obligated to hate you because you're in an 8. :girl_hug:

Conniesueb -

Hi, thanks for the support. I live in Greenwood Village, south of Denver near the Tech Center. I am going to Dr. Kirshenbaum. He's a great surgeon with a supportive program (nutritionist and psychologist for monthly group support). A lot of his patients come in from other places because he has worked a special fee for those that insurance won't cover. I am one of those - BC/BS in Colorado isn't covering any WLS. If I were a lawyer I'd take them on, but I have enough battles of my own. So I will suck it up and pay. I'm worth it.

Do many of you in Pueblo have a band? Are you using the web for support? You are doing really well, Connie. Congratulations! I am anxious to get going. I just had my visit with the nutritionist and am planning to get everything ready for pre-op and post-op proteins etc.

Be well and my regular email is mich1550@aol.com if you'd like to write to me directly.

I have always had body issues. My husband has always loved me for me, not what I look like even though he says I am beautiful and his attraction has never lessened. I still lay in bed feeling my hips to see if they feel feel fat to me even though I have lost weight and in my mind I know they aren't as big as they used to be. Also when I go shopping for clothes, I am drawn to the size I used to be and my husband has to remind me that I no longer fit into those sizes. So, I think with some "mind" work I will someday have less of a body image issue but for now it still plagues me.

Dieta

Belle75067 - Dieta,

I think body image is a very difficult issue. It has psychological, physical and emotional overlays. I know that when I lose weight I have a difficult time picking out clothes that fit. I also go to the Big Sizes first, put them on, then see I am swimming in fabric. When I put on a smaller size that is snug to my body I feel exposed and uncomfortable. i am hoping this time to work through the body image stuff. I am not sure how, but exercise and working with a trainer in front of a mirror I think is helping. I love the me inside and hope to match it with the me outside. If that makes any sense.

Best wishes on your journey - I think this is an important thread to keep writing to.

Dynamomini--I am not really sure how many people in Pueblo have had the band--there is a support group that meets once a month at my surgeon's office, but I have not made it to any of the meetings yet. I do rely more on the web, especially this site, for support. I am one og the lucky ones, I guess, because I have not had any problems whatsoever with my band. In fact, my doc says that I am one of his greatest success stories, and have lost more weight in less time than almost all his other patients. But, I am working my butt off to do it--I go to the gym every day, and I make sure I am eating the right foods. I want this to be a permanent life change, not just another diet. I find myself doing the same thing as you when shopping--I automatically go to the size I used to be. Or I'll pick up a smaller size and think-"That will never fit", and then I try it on, and it does! I'm sure eventually my brain will wrap around the fact that I am smaller! You can e-mail me, too if you want to chat at boonconburns@comcast.net

I think having good boundaries is very important. I know some people who have issues with those and I find myself constantly reinforcing mine with her (ok make some people one person) and saying, "No, thats not appropriate" or "Well I'm sorry you feel that way, but there isn't anything I can do about it", etc. At first it was super hard not to get drawn into that conflict all the time but now it is so much better not ever starting in on the issue because there is always some issue, etc.

So I ignore people who bring me down, and the people I do hang out with think I'm pretty neat. Its a positive formula for self esteem. If I am also in a delicate place I know to avoid weak areas like higher math and empathy (I'm an Aspie with NLD) and to seek out activities and stuff that I am good at or make me feel smart like volunteering at the children's book center.

I also have a dog that loves me to bits. I swear that is such an ego boost! I come into room-- wag, wag, wag. I sit down and she is lying by my feet. I go to lie down and she is lying next to me, gazing up at me adoringly, etc. Even when I trip over her all is forgiven with a pat on the head.

Kyethra - At 23 you seem to have figured out some really important self-care issues. I, too, keep the positive people around me, altho' sometimes even they faulter, then it is my job to be a positive responder for them. I sometimes have to figure out what is my stuff and what is their's.

Have you figured out what made you eat to comfort yourself? Maybe because I'm more than twice your age I've spent half my life trying to figure out the past. Not a very constructive way to confront an addiction. I think positive actions are a much better way to go.

Best wishes on your surgery and let us know how you are. My surgery is April 16th.

hi ya puddin...just found your thread..and I love it! I am struggling with how I am going to be when I am slim too...I am now starting to receive heaps of attention from guys mostly sexual but we wont go there... However, there is one...that I have been friends with for some time who seems to like me for who I am weight and all...and he is constantly encouraging me to be myself and be self empowered. (hope he never reads this) anyway the other day he drops a bombshell that he is 'in love with me'...now I gotta tell you I never saw that coming. I am still very vulnerable from the end of my own marriage 18months ago, so it is really hard for me to actually believe that what he is saying is genuine. I am still working through my own feelings for him and how I feel about his feelings for me...so I am atloss to know what will happen their...but it got me thinking... here is a little something I wrote earlier...about my fears about this very thing.

""Resist the temptation" they say. Well, I live on the corner of temptation right between carrot cake boulevard and ice cream parade…as Oscar Wilde so aptly puts it “The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it…I can resist everything but temptation.”

So they call me a slob, they say that I have no will power, that I lack discipline, that I don’t WANT it enough, even, that I am weak person. Don’t they know that apart from the fact that food, and resisting the urge to indulge, is one of the most difficult addictions to recover from next to smoking and drugs.

For us 'fat' sufferers there is no ‘fatotine’ Patches, no replacement drugs available to bring us down gradually from the euphoric affect food has on our well being. Dieting is rough. Especially when you have lived the better part of your life as a fat person. Overcoming the mind barriers and resisting the, ever constant, urge to ‘sabotage’ your progress is hard work. There are deeper forces at play.

The fear of the unknown: what will life bring on the other side of large…

How will I relate to people when I don’t have my weight to hide behind.

Will they accept me, will they think I am beautiful, and will men be attracted to me.

At the moment, I have an excuse to explain away all of the above. 'They don’t except me, because I am fat.' 'They don’t think I am beautiful, because I am fat.' 'They are not attracted to me, because I am fat.' But once my weight goes so does my excuse. Once the weight is gone, I will be vulnerable, naked, exposed.

You see, not only do I have to resist the temptation, but I also have to constantly fight my mindsets, my fears, my insecurities. I have to break through the barriers to come to the point where I can confidently say 'I deserve to be slim', 'I deserve to be noticed', 'I deserve to be admired' even 'I deserve to be loved'. Its so much more than just resisting the temptation. Its much more than just being disciplined. It’s about allowing myself the opportunity to be who I was meant to be and rid myself of the ‘safe’ façade (my weight) behind which I have found a comfort zone."

I am still battling through those emotional scars... I know I am getting more beautiful every day with every pound lost but do I deserve to be admired, loved... etc do I deserve the attention that this wonderful fella is giving me at present...It just seems too hard to accept. I still view myself as unloveable...that it blows my mind that someone else (a man) could actually care about me in that way! I just don't know.

becky

fabuless - I loved your entry. You could have been me at 28. Now I'm double your age and still stuck in the same mind set. Wow! Working the head stuff is so important or we'll gain again to be anonimous, hidden. I am so impressed with your progress.

Do you like this guy? Don't just like him because he "loves" you, don't settle, but isn't it wonderful to be the recipient of his affection? Good luck with sorting this out and other stressors on your journey, Becky. let us know how it turns out. Smiles,

Michelle