Discouraged and Embarrassed

[ElaineB 207]

Well, i started out needing to so a 3 month diet. Then my insurance through work changed, and i had to do a 6 month diet. Then I submitted everything required by my insurance and they came back and said I had to get pulmonary and cardiac clearance. This has caused a delay of at least another month. I jumped through the last hoop today. Or maybe I should say I slung myself, gasping and wheezing through this hoop. I did the stress echo and had to go on the treadmill. I only lasted a very few minutes. I was super short of breath and only was in the segment after the warmup. When they had me hold my breath to do the echo, I felt like I was going to die. It's just disgusting and pathetic that I'm so out of shape. The ARNP said, "Your exercise tolerance is less than stellar". Lol. That was diplomatic. It's embarrassing and I hate the fact that I've allowed myself to get like this. I wonder if my insurance is ever going to approve me. I wonder if I will ever feel like a normal human again. Embarrassment/humiliation/shame is just a constant companion and i hate it. just feel like a big fat loser. And not the kind I hope to be:).

[gmanbat 5,889]

Hang on, Elaine. This is just one part of your life. There are many more factors that define your worth.

Don't let the past oppress you.

There is a giant rising up in you.

You will get past your past.

There is good reason to believe you will beat this.

You are mad.

Good.

Turn the anger on fat itself, not you as a person.

Love you, hate fat.

You will find a new life soon.

Make it happen.

Don't take no.

[ElaineB 207]

Thanks gman. I know that's right. I just want to turn this around and be able to move. I want to be able to exercise without it killing me. Being so short of breath with such little exertion is awful. But, I got myself here and I know I am the one who has to change it. I can't help but think losing weight will help so much. My mom runs, but if I strapped 100 pounds to her back she wouldn't even be able to stand:) thanks for the encouraging words.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

You will get there, one sweaty, out of breath step at a time and eventually those steps won't be so rough. You are making such a positive change towards a healthier you and just remember, no matter what, there is always someone better off or worse off than you and the doctors have seen it all.

I am so happy for you that you are almost there!!

[mistysj 1,939]

I'm so proud of you. This will be a great "before" to your amazing "after." After your surgery when you are having trouble getting down all your fluids and you're having buyer's remorse, or when you hit the three-week stall, you can look back and draw motivation from this. You are a very strong woman and YOU GOT THIS.

[ElaineB 207]

Thanks Lipstick and Misty. Your words are encouraging. I am going to remember this. I have started an anti-buyers remorse book for myself. I have put in "before" pictures and am journaling. The pictures alone should scare me into eternal gratitude:). I'm listing things like today that make me want to look ahead and never go back.

[gmanbat 5,889]

Thanks Lipstick and Misty. Your words are encouraging. I am going to remember this. I have started an anti-buyers remorse book for myself. I have put in "before" pictures and am journaling. The pictures alone should scare me into eternal gratitude:). I'm listing things like today that make me want to look ahead and never go back.

What a good idea!

Do me a favor. Stay on this forum even after you get to goal.

We need clear thinkers around here.

I can't carry the whole load.

(kidding)

[ElaineB 207]

Gman you make me laugh. That is almost a miracle on a day where I had to run shirtless and braless on a treadmill! Sorry if that gives a bad visual:)

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Braless? Guuuurl, that would have been two black eyes for me.

[ElaineB 207]

It wasn't pretty.

[No game 14,436]

BRALESS? SHIRTLESS??

Omg that would of been a deal breaker for me!

Oh it would of been less than "not pretty" if I did it!

But really what were they expecting we are fat and out of shape! I'm dying on my treadmill and I'm 6 months out and 64 pounds down...

You sound like a strong woman and I'm sure you will do great at this

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I missed the AND SHIRTLESS part. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That would have turned off anyone from sex for the next few YEARS if that was me on that treadmill. Hell, I guess I could throw these puppies over my shoulders and try it. I have no doubt I would have tripped over the bigger (read that longer) one.

[gmanbat 5,889]

Gman you make me laugh. That is almost a miracle on a day where I had to run shirtless and braless on a treadmill! Sorry if that gives a bad visual:)

Note to self: Cancel the homeless shelter. Do volunteer work at the hospital stess echo lab.

[ElaineB 207]

I'm cracking up!! I feel so much better now. In their defense, they did give me a cute little paper vest that hit at mid belly and opened in the front. The nurse stuck a couple of pieces of tape on it to try to hold it together. After getting me completely winded, the echo tech, a guy of course, had me lie down on the table and had to move my sweaty boob around and over to get a good picture of my heart. It truly was a "STRESS" test:). Please Lord, don't ever make me go back.

[ElaineB 207]

Gman, if stick to the homeless shelter. The echo lab is dangerous and depressing.