Apathy? Denial? WHAT?
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I came to VST in July to relay my story and see if anyone else had a similar story as mine and the same fears as me. Of course I found out that in fact we are all alike in our fears and yes there are plenty of people out there like me (at least when it comes to this surgery, ahem..). I didn't stick around, yeah... I know... bad me. I think at the time I was still in denial about whether or not I would even allow myself to go through this surgery.
Well.. I kept on it and now I'm not too far out from the surgery. Surgery has been scheduled for February 4th! (two days after my birthday btw)
As the time is coming closer I find myself feeling two things... firstly, anxiety! I expect this emotion. Frankly I have anxiety disorder and at this point in time anxiety is completely normal for someone WITHOUT anxiety disorder. So for someone with anxiety disorder, forgetaboutit!
I also have this swings into what I have trouble describing. It's kind of a numbness or the refusal to acknowledge what is about to happen. I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this? It's kind of like.. you feel NOTHING at all about the surgery. I guess it's as if the surgery just IS. Almost like you're in a dream except you know you're not dreaming. I dunno if that makes sense...
It's definitely an odd feeling, but one I've felt a lot more as the process went on and each stage was finished. It's almost like I'm apathetic one moment, and the next I'm anxious and my heart is beating hard. What a roller coaster!