My husband of 15 years is killing my spirit. He says he's watching me. Yah, well I went on the treadmill today, I say. He says, I did 3 miles today and lifted weights yesterday. I'm not the one with a weight problem looking for a magic surgery. You should be doing more than me!" Tears

Does he normally condem you for your weight vs. his?

That is a horrible way to support you in your weightloss! I see from your profile that you are undecided on the surgery. Sometimes you have to do things that are best for you. As women, we sometimes put too much thought into what others think. I hope things get better for you. I really suggest that you talk to him about how those words make you feel.

He always feels that I don't do enough about it. I try to explain that at my size, it is harder but it doesn't matter. He feels that this is the only way to motivate me. Makes me wonder if this marriage will last after my confidence returns. Yes, he can be emotionally abusive at times. Perhaps that's even contributed to my "weight problem". Not feeling the love today. Other times I feel so lucky to have him. So confusing!!!

BTW, I have decided to go ahead with the surgery. I finished all my pre-op appointments and will get my surgery date and pre-op diet on Thursday.

I also recently got laid off from a job I had for 20 years. I told him that I'm not looking for another until after my surgery. It's added a lot of stress to our life. He's self-employed and I carried the insurance and paid 75% of the bills.

My heart goes out to you..

First of all, congrats for sticking to the program and walking/working out on the treadmill to get healthy before your surgery. Second, as a person who has previously been in an emotionally abusive relationship, keep your head up. You are doing this for YOU. Do not let his words get to you, and stay strong. Keep walking a little bit at a time, and things will get better, do your research and decide what is the best option for YOU to get fit and healthy (surgery or not). If you fall off the wagon at a meal, or for a day, know that that happens sometimes, and its OKAY. Dust yourself off, and pick up at the next meal to make a better decision and choice. Try parking a little further out from work/store/school etc. Try walking around the yard/block/neighborhood. Start small, and work your way up...

Before surgery I could only walk about .5 miles at like .7mph on the treadmill, I started a few months before surgery making SMALL changes like parking further out, walking around the parking lot at work on my break or lunch, and just before surgery I was up to about 2.5mph and 1.5-2miles a day. Take it step by step, and bite by bite. You WILL succeed at this if you can just take it one moment at a time.

This forum is a great source of support and I wish you the best in your journey, and remember that you are doing this for YOU!!!

<hugs>

I am proud of you! You won't believe how much better you will feel physically and emotionally! Your confidence will come back with a vengeance and you will realize that you can handle anything. I am uber blessed to have a wonderful hubby who has supported me through this whole process and I can't imagine what you are going through. Stay strong! The decision to have this surgery for me has brought back the confident, fun-loving me back into play and I hope it does the same for you!

My skinny husband was a complete butthole before I had my surgery too. Every time I'd eat I could see him watching and judging me. He even told me I stuffed my face one time. He wasn't supportive and didn't want me to have the surgery. I made up my mind and didn't care what he thought. I probably would have left him if he gave me an ultimatum! This is my life and I have 2 boys to live for. Now he's totally excited and supportive. I think he was scared and acted like an ass rather than concerned.

Please consider seeing someone, either a support group or an individual therapist. This is not something that you just have to put up with, or is "understandable" My husband is naturally skinny, and he's from a naturally skinny family, he has been very supportive and his whole family has been supportive and complementary and understanding.

What your husband is doing and saying is not supportive, no matter how he tries to defend it. Be confident and strong and find some in-person people who will model what actual support looks like. Maybe if you find a support group you can even bring your husband so that he can get a lesson in what actual support looks like, some people just don't know how to be helpful and involved, if you explain it to him and find him some examples to model support after maybe he'd be wiling to work on it.

My skinny husband was a complete butthole before I had my surgery too. Every time I'd eat I could see him watching and judging me. He even told me I stuffed my face one time. He wasn't supportive and didn't want me to have the surgery. I made up my mind and didn't care what he thought. I probably would have left him if he gave me an ultimatum! This is my life and I have 2 boys to live for. Now he's totally excited and supportive. I think he was scared and acted like an ass rather than concerned.

Yes! My husband (who as I said is really supportive and wonderful BUT...) became very withdrawn and disinterested in anything to do with the surgery for the 2 weeks before surgery. He didn't even realize he was doing it (he's not the most connected with his emotions sometimes) but it was totally his way of being scared about the surgery and about me being in pain or dieing or whatever else could have gone wrong.

So it could be understandable - but it's also understandable/reasonable to expect him to put in some effort towards understanding his emotions and channelling them more effectively and appropriately!

Yes! My husband (who as I said is really supportive and wonderful BUT...) became very withdrawn and disinterested in anything to do with the surgery for the 2 weeks before surgery. He didn't even realize he was doing it (he's not the most connected with his emotions sometimes) but it was totally his way of being scared about the surgery and about me being in pain or dieing or whatever else could have gone wrong.

So it could be understandable - but it's also understandable/reasonable to expect him to put in some effort towards understanding his emotions and channelling them more effectively and appropriately!

Amen sista!

When your skinny husband disrespects, them him that your not going to be treated like this anymore and leave the room. Don't let him continue on with this bad behavior. Tell him your unhappy with the way he treats you and you want to have some marital therapy.

I am so proud of you deciding to do the surgery, it's the best thing you can do for yourself. BTW, you will get another job soon after surgery too. Don't worry about that. Get the surgery and focus on life style changes.......

There is one thing that I learned when having this surgery............... THIS IS LIFE CHANGING!!!! once I decided to commit to it......everything and everyone had to be on board. NO DISTRACTIONS!!! I was doing this for me............... and ME ONLY!!!! IT IS THEE ONLY SELFISH THING I HAVE DONE IN MY LIFE!! I knew that this was going to be challenging. I was going to have to heal from the inside out and I was going to be facing some really difficult decisions. when i realized that there were some people that weren't they had to go HUBBY INCLUDED....... now of course that wasnt the only reason and by no means am I condoning divorce but if someone can't support and love you in all of your endeavors then why bother.....you would be there for anyone that "NEEDED" you right??!! ~ I now have a boyfriend who is a personal trainer by coincidence- works out everyday & his body is a work of art!! and if i dont want to work out then i dont..... he is careful with his words and encourages me to do at least half of what he does and if i do more then YAY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just like when i cant find the energy to just function he makes me my protein shake or is online for wonderful dishes full of protein to make me......and just when i cant finish my baby plate of food he finishes that too....lol and reminds me when I start to go back to my dirty eating habits he says, "now remember how much PAIN you were in when you woke up from your surgery??" I say yes...... with a smile then he says WE dont want to go thru that again do we???!! I SAY NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! so the next time your hubby starts his potty mouth- just SMILE!!! because EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS ABOUT TO CHANGE~ good lookin......!!!! Congratulations and welcome to your new life!!! I am enjoying my new life and my new wardrobe!!!!! i brought sexy back for sure.........

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. Sometimes we have good days, sometimes bad. I know I'm doing the right thing by finally taking control of my weight. I also know that as I lose and my confidence increases, our relationship will change to. What once was weak will become strong and the strong will become weak. How he chooses to handle it will partly determine our outcome. The other part is how much more I chose to put up with! I really wanted to see a professional about all this but again, I lost my job. I'll lose my insurance in February. The $40 co-pays per session would financially hurt us ( he's not working full time). Can't wait till I can say to him, get off your fat ass and do something! I've done 5 miles on the treadmill today. What have YOU done?

Gloria, your words meant the world to me.

you wont have to say anything....... he already feels less than as it is that is why he treats you the way he does ~ JUST KNOW THAT!! and when you do hit that goal of yours and you are looking wonderful inside and out - your face will say it all to him and he will HEAR IT LOUD AND CLEAR..... dont mince words, smile baby its time to shine!!!!