I have a dilemna that has been bugging me for the past 2 years. Need some help. My ex dumped me on Christmas Eve 2004. He said there was no one else but I later found out a new woman was in the picture. Someone fit and thin and exciting. We had planned on getting married, building a new house, etc. Needless to say, I was floored and totally upset. I decided to move on and have no contact with him. Well, he would not stop e-mailing me and sometimes he called. This has gone on for the past 2 years. He wants to be 'friends'. States I am the best friend he ever had and needs/wants me to be friends with him. He knows I had the surgery and has seen me since. I've lost 55lbs and all he could say was 'wow'. He had since moved on from one GF to the next. She is even more exciting and 'fitter'. He always wants to know if I'm exercising, etc. I've told him I need to move on several times, I have ignored him and his e-mails only to have him create a crisis in his life that I am the only one that can handle it. I do want someone who loves and respects me and accepts me for the person I am. I am afraid if he finds out out I've met someone, he would sabboatge it somehow. I am a professional, well educated woman and am entitled to find someone I deserve. The irony of it all is I am his best friend and he is mine. I really wanted to marry my best friend. Why is he using me like this? Is he that shallow/scared of me being thin? Has anyone gone through this here?

Thanks for listening/reading. I needed to vent.

hey...tough situation...sorry you are in it. All I can say is he is completely using you....Intellectually, you know this. This is NOT the actions of a "best friend". Again, I'm sure you must realize this. Perhaps he is not the "best friend" that you thought he was. You are correct; you do need to move on and cut him out of your life....look at what it is doing to you. PLUS....think how that will affect your current (or future) relationships. Guys will only be so understanding. And if you are involved in a serious relationship.....this other one will eventually cause a problem.

Yes, you are right: you do deserve love, respect and acceptance for who YOU are. He hasn't done that and is still not doing that, even as your "friend". Hard cold truth...(my opinion anyways!) is to completely cut him out....even during these "so called" crisis situations. It's a ploy and he is playing games!

Good luck though.

Once a cheater, maybe not ALWAYS a cheater, but it's definitely easier the second (third, fourth, etc) time that temptation strikes. It's like cookies! That second one just BEGS to be eaten!

Also, you don't need the stress of being compared to his oh, so fit and toned girlfriends. Tell him you're getting plenty of exercise - you're running like hell to get away from him!

I have a dilemna that has been bugging me for the past 2 years. Need some help. My ex dumped me on Christmas Eve 2004. He said there was no one else but I later found out a new woman was in the picture. Someone fit and thin and exciting. We had planned on getting married, building a new house, etc. Needless to say, I was floored and totally upset. I decided to move on and have no contact with him. Well, he would not stop e-mailing me and sometimes he called. This has gone on for the past 2 years. He wants to be 'friends'. States I am the best friend he ever had and needs/wants me to be friends with him. He knows I had the surgery and has seen me since. I've lost 55lbs and all he could say was 'wow'. He had since moved on from one GF to the next. She is even more exciting and 'fitter'. He always wants to know if I'm exercising, etc. I've told him I need to move on several times, I have ignored him and his e-mails only to have him create a crisis in his life that I am the only one that can handle it. I do want someone who loves and respects me and accepts me for the person I am. I am afraid if he finds out out I've met someone, he would sabboatge it somehow. I am a professional, well educated woman and am entitled to find someone I deserve. The irony of it all is I am his best friend and he is mine. I really wanted to marry my best friend. Why is he using me like this? Is he that shallow/scared of me being thin? Has anyone gone through this here?

Thanks for listening/reading. I needed to vent.

You have to move on....... It is called tough love. You can love some one and yet they can be poison to you. You can only be used is you let him use you. Stop being a victim. Find someone else and something else to fill your day. Stop all contact with him. He made a decision. Make him stick to it..............

I vote for get away as fast as you can. Sounds like he could be a control freak in the long run. Your not the only one that can handle his life crisis situations. He needs to learn to handle those himself. That's what growing up is about. Just my .02

Terry

Jen I have a different take on the limited information.

If you really really REALLY love this guy then I think you should fight for him.

You ask is he scared/shallow about you being thin. But what if he is truly caring/hopeful that you get healthy.

We all make mistakes in life and maybe he is realizing he made the "big one".

It is difficult to advise when we truly don't know all the situation.

I realize you were deeply hurt but sometimes hurting causes us to really look at a situation and think about ways to change it for the better.

Friendship is to be valued and if you can maintain a friendship with a best friend that is valuable also.

Myra

Some friendships can be quite TOXIC to us. I have had to cut ties with a friend years ago because HE was TOXIC to me. It was the hardest thing in the world to do because I loved him dearly, see he was my husband. When I started gaining weight he ignored me and fled to the bed of one of my so-called friends. He immediately apologized and came home with his tail tucked begging for forgiveness.

I caved. We had children (4). He was good for awhile. He jumped ship again and this time I did not throw out a lifesaver. He drowned in his own shit. We divorced and it was the happiest day of my life. And the saddest.

But let me tell you the bright moments came later (about 4 years after). He called me one night saying he knows he screwed up with me and was wondering if there was a second chance for us.

I gathered up my courage and strength and said these words to him, "Not a chance. Only when HELL freezes over." And hung up the phone. That was the hardest thing to do. We now have a healthy respect for each other since we do have children together. It gets easier since the kids are adult now. But still it kinda stings every now and then. He was my high school sweetheart. I just adored that man.

I have my soul mate now. He is my dream man. I found him at the age of 38. We have been together now for 8 years. Couldn't be happier.

Long story to make a point HUH? LOL!!

Someone that LOVES you truly will not USE you and make you FIX things for them. Whatever situation he put himself in that ONLY YOU can fix is a bunch of hooey. He made the problem let him fix it. TOUGH LOVE. I have experience with that as well. It sucks!!!! But in the end only they can change things for themselves. NOT YOU.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Sounds like he has your number. He needs help, you fix it. The more he needs you, the easier you cave. He's treating you like you have the word "SUCKER" stamped on your forehead. And when you finally cave...again...he's confirmed that he can get one over on you next time. That's a shade-tree analysis of a situation I know nothing about except what you just posted. *shrug* If it helps, though...

Good luck!

well first of all I'm sorry to hear that and i suggest you to get rid of him coz its would'nt do anything progressive, he has shown he's true personality and theirs no point of still talkin or being friend to him coz he has'nt in the first place.

I have a dilemna that has been bugging me for the past 2 years. Need some help. My ex dumped me on Christmas Eve 2004. He said there was no one else but I later found out a new woman was in the picture. Someone fit and thin and exciting. We had planned on getting married, building a new house, etc. Needless to say, I was floored and totally upset. I decided to move on and have no contact with him. Well, he would not stop e-mailing me and sometimes he called. This has gone on for the past 2 years. He wants to be 'friends'. States I am the best friend he ever had and needs/wants me to be friends with him. He knows I had the surgery and has seen me since. I've lost 55lbs and all he could say was 'wow'. He had since moved on from one GF to the next. She is even more exciting and 'fitter'. He always wants to know if I'm exercising, etc. I've told him I need to move on several times, I have ignored him and his e-mails only to have him create a crisis in his life that I am the only one that can handle it. I do want someone who loves and respects me and accepts me for the person I am. I am afraid if he finds out out I've met someone, he would sabboatge it somehow. I am a professional, well educated woman and am entitled to find someone I deserve. The irony of it all is I am his best friend and he is mine. I really wanted to marry my best friend. Why is he using me like this? Is he that shallow/scared of me being thin? Has anyone gone through this here?

Thanks for listening/reading. I needed to vent.

Thank you all for the responses. I have, at least on my part, kicked him to the curb to fend for himself. I know he is using me. The hard part for me is the truth. Hopefully, I will find someone new. That's what I keep telling myself everyday!

Thank you all again for reading and listening. :-)

yeah thats right! go..move on theres a good life ahead. and wish you happiness. God Bless

Based on the journey that we have embarked on. Toxic relationships as such tend to hender us from reaching our goal weight.. I know it's hard. But, the best friends we have can be our biggest obstacles in life. Try not to feel obligated to him.. Be polite and cut your ties...The only man you need that badly is the man above....Stay strong and ask God to give you the strength to move on....

Thank you both for the kind words. I do have faith and will move on. I feel so much better getting this off my chest. he had this hold on me that I was 'defective'...

Sounds like he was keeping you on the hook and only using you to pad the fall as he jumps between other women. Do the other women know he calls and emails? If he continues to harass you, or try and control or use you... I'd forward a few of those emails to let the girls know what they really have in him... an emotionally abusing rat!

Pam, they don't know about me as far as I know. If they did, I'd know they'd run. It will come around to haunt him very shortly. he e-mailed me yesterday to say he met a friend of mine. His new girlfriend knows her husband. Only he doesn't know that she(my friend) knows the entire story! I'll bet his little masquerade will soon be over. I believe in this phrase "what goes around, comes around"....

Everyone ready for the guy opinion again!?!?

He is a shit. This guy is a user, and he is using you for his cushion between his little hotties. He is hoping you get fitter, because he feels he can then have his cake and eat it too.

You need to tell him to F@#@$ off. He is toxic to your success, and like a cancer, he will eat away at you and eventually drive you down a spiral.

Funny thing is, that guys like this don't even realize they are doing it. It is not intentional, it is his nature, and you need to avoid that nature at all costs.

He is not a friend that you need, right now or ever. There are other friends out there. Tell him flat out to "bugger off".

Cut this tie before it strangles you.

Just a guy's opinion. No defending this one.