Hey guys I had a breaking point at work on Friday. I was in the bathroom crying. I think I'm just frustrated with these guys. They think its flattering that all of a sudden they're paying me enormous amounts of attention but they have no clue. This guy I've know for a few years had been texting me all week being suggestive & sexual and I've been blowing him off. So Friday morning he starts again and I shut him down. I'm like didn't u try to get with my cousin. And he's apologizing and saying he's just joking and flirting etc. But he's never been like that before. So obviously its because I'm losing weight. And he goes on to say how he really liked my cousin etc. And that was like a knife in my heart. Like oh he likes my cousin but I'm only good enough for sexual advances. So that upset me. Oddly enough I don't even like him like that but it was still extremely hurtful. I know there is more of this to come. I am ok now. Just had to get that off my chest. Men are so shallow. Its like even with everything I have to offer I'm second best. Frustrating.

Then I tell my mom, and she goes on to say well the reality is men dont like "fat girls" and although there are a few who like plus sized girls most dont. Then she says "why should they pick a fat girl when there are appealing alternatives". This convo was over the phone and she doesn't know that she made me cry...but that hurt....I know ppl are shallow especially towards fat ppl but the reaction is showing me the reality i ignored for years

This is happening at work?

next step is to report him...

seriously! I don;t know where you work- but if you shut him down once- that should be enough!!!

the reality is men dont like "fat girls"

OMg! sorry she thinks that way...

I buy shoes for comfort not price or look... (not that women are to be used like shoes)

I dated several gals back in the day- I first looked at personality... second... I wanted fun, third...

someone that would back me... Hmmm- did I bring a tape measure to my date? a scale?

NOPE! btw I married a real pretty gal.... now that she has lost over 130# I am in shock...

she is smaller than when we met... I am lucky.. I have a smart, personable, well liked, and a cute wife...

Real men that are worth considering won't care! Looks will always be the first impression, however there are more to looks than size...ie. Smile, hair , how you hold yourself, etc. For me it is hard to see the people who treAt me differently bc I am thinner bc i am afraid that I might gain it back...will they go back to ignoring me? Maybe. Anyways, it suck that this guy treated you poorly and I am sorry you got hurt. Btw..second best on what or whose scale? .... The scale some slimey guy has? Most likely you bruised his huge ego so he had to recover some how. You need to be your favorite and someday you will be THE RIGHT guys favorite and first. You mom is wrong...fat girl is like saying blue eye girl......it only tells one very small part of someone. What idiot would choose someone based on eye color only? Or shoe size ? However, I know I act different when I am thinner towards people. Smile. Your perfect!!! For those who deserve you!

thanks Guys....i have always been confident but the last few years relationshipwise etc has done a # on my self esteem. I feel i can only be as confident as was society has shown me...and society isnt kind to the overweigbt

as for him no he doesn't work with me but my meltdown occurred at work...

I want to punch your mom in the neck. That was mean.

Yes, looks matter and you are growing in confidence as you shrink in size. Just tell yourself it is like responding to an inappropriate child. Set firm boundaries for what you will tolerate. Their behavior will coincide with the expectations. I am sure next time you will shut it down on the first text or comment, and doing so will get more eye-rolling and easy. You have value - as your expectation for quality in your relationships rise, so will the quality of men you attract. :hug: There ARE good ones out there.

I completely agree with Lots of Hope, especially, "Real men that are worth considering won't care!" and that is so so true!

Years ago when I met my hubby I was I size 6/8, after 2 pregnancies I gained more than 125 lbs and wore a size 22!!! Top weight was 278 (which was last year) and my husband never and I mean never looked at me differently. Big - Small it does matter to a real man!!!!!

I think it was real wrong of that guy to be all texting you and then start talking about your cousin.... there are so so much better fish in the sea and forget him. If he starts trying to text you again, go report him to your HR... you already told him to go away already!

Good luck sweetheart! - Tiffany

Sista girl hold your beautiful head up. Men are who they are and they aren't going to change. What has to change is you and your tolerance for their actions. There are plenty of men who love voluptuous women. What this young man is looking for is "sex" and if the thinks he can get it from you then he will try, same for your cousin. If he was real about either one of you then there wouldnt be a second option it would be about you and only you or your cousin and only your cousin. Notice although you're getting smaller he isnt wanting you as far as a relationship, he wants your body, which means he's not worth your time, conversation, or tears.

I'm glad you shut him down because when a man realizes you love and respect yourself, regardless of your weight you demand respect from men, he will give you just that or not bother you. A lot of men dont show attention because they are intimidated. This guy knew you from before so he felt comfortable trying you, and seeing how far you would allow him to go. Real men know how to approach, talk, be real, and be sincere to a woman. Dont let one guys words lower anything about yourself. If he likes your cousin better, that means he's not meant for you and which is best, because dear heart you deserve the best there is to offer.

I have to say that your mom has a misconception of attraction. Beauty fades but someones spirit follows the person regardless of their outward appearance. For many men it's all about how you carry yourself, and how you make your curves look like waves in the ocean, inviting and smooth. There's good attention and bad attention, and the more weight you lose the more bad attention you will attract because now you are visually appealing to the majority, but still hold your feminity, grace, and uphold your highest standards and that real man, the man that will notice the color of your eyes, notice the strides in your walk, the curve of your lips, and will say this woman makes my heart skip of beat, not because she's thin but because she's a lady, a diamond, rare and hard to find, someone to keep for life. This is what you wait for, this is what you expect, and this is what you will get. You will only get what you think you deserve!! Take care!

I think we are all dealing with changes in how we interact with the world. Bottom line: do not let anyone treat you like a piece of meat!!! Ever!!!! I don't care if you are a size 6 and the prettiest girl in the world, no one should ever treat you like that. Being attractive is not an open door to lewd behavior. You teach people how to treat you. Shut this guy down and then don't talk to him ever again. Also, warn your cousin that he is a dog. once you stand up for yourself, people get the message and they will not try to take advantage of you any more.

Sorry if that comes off harsh, but I was really moved by what you said.

As far as your mom's opinion, I think it is old fashioned. Yes, there are men who will not look twice at a heavy girl. That is true. No point in arguing about it. However, there are millions of heavy girls in relationships - why would that be if no one finds them attractive? I met my partner when I was at my heaviest. I couldn't believe that he was really attracted to me because he is so athletic. But, we developed a real relationship. Now I am losing weight and he is happy for me, but he doesn't care how much I weigh.

Don't let that guy bother you anymore. Seriously - he is WAY out of line doing that. You have to let him know to stop immediately and stick to your guns so he knows you are serious. You are not a victim!!! You are a human being and deserve to be treated with respect - at any weight!!

Take care--

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Awesome! Great words!

quote name=Shea' timestamp='1310484997' post='178196]

Sista girl hold your beautiful head up. Men are who they are and they aren't going to change. What has to change is you and your tolerance for their actions. There are plenty of men who love voluptuous women. What this young man is looking for is "sex" and if the thinks he can get it from you then he will try, same for your cousin. If he was real about either one of you then there wouldnt be a second option it would be about you and only you or your cousin and only your cousin. Notice although you're getting smaller he isnt wanting you as far as a relationship, he wants your body, which means he's not worth your time, conversation, or tears.

I'm glad you shut him down because when a man realizes you love and respect yourself, regardless of your weight you demand respect from men, he will give you just that or not bother you. A lot of men dont show attention because they are intimidated. This guy knew you from before so he felt comfortable trying you, and seeing how far you would allow him to go. Real men know how to approach, talk, be real, and be sincere to a woman. Dont let one guys words lower anything about yourself. If he likes your cousin better, that means he's not meant for you and which is best, because dear heart you deserve the best there is to offer.

I have to say that your mom has a misconception of attraction. Beauty fades but someones spirit follows the person regardless of their outward appearance. For many men it's all about how you carry yourself, and how you make your curves look like waves in the ocean, inviting and smooth. There's good attention and bad attention, and the more weight you lose the more bad attention you will attract because now you are visually appealing to the majority, but still hold your feminity, grace, and uphold your highest standards and that real man, the man that will notice the color of your eyes, notice the strides in your walk, the curve of your lips, and will say this woman makes my heart skip of beat, not because she's thin but because she's a lady, a diamond, rare and hard to find, someone to keep for life. This is what you wait for, this is what you expect, and this is what you will get. You will only get what you think you deserve!! Take care!

thanks again guys for the encouraging words. i deleted him off my blackberry, facebook everything. I know it may be harsh but necessary....lots of sprkng cleaning in my life right now

Way to go! Clean away!!!

Speaking as a guy, I can honestly say some of the women who appeal mostly to me have been larger women. And even after my surgery I want some meat on the bones. You shouldnt get down on this dude. Real guys are out there

Sam that guy sounds like a really douch and as for your mother ... believe me when i say i know how you feel as my mother has been saying the same thing to me since i was about 6 years old .... and then came my husband and proved her wrong ... Girl be encouraged ... i have gained about 75lbs since being married ( i was thick when we meet) and he has never uttered a word about my weight ... or has ever made me feel like no chick can hold a match to me ...big or small ... Don't worry you will find the man GOD has created especially for you. The one who will love you no matter how big or small you are, because you will be the one who hold his heart !!!!!... here a pic of me and hubby around nov of last year ... and our newest addiction ....

It's to bad we have to go through the douches to find mister right... but trust it's so worth it in the end ... be encouraged ... keep your head up... and keep weeding out the douches...

Oh, Samantha!

Look at this story in another light.

Guy: TOTALLY FLIRTING WITH YOU

You: f**k off!

Guy: PRETENDING HE WASN'T REALLY FLIRTING WITH YOU

Guy: STRIKE OUT AT YOU TO COVER SOUR GRAPES

That's what actually happened. You shut him down and he had to cover his fragile little ego by pretending he didn't mean it and then striking back at you with the cousin thing.

This is a tough thing to practice in every day life, but oh man! So little of what people do to us / in front of us has anything to do with us. When looking at a person's actions, you must always ask "What does this say about THEM?" and in this case I'd bet good money that he was genuine in his flirting, but then he got his panties in a twist when you shut him down. And when fragile little babies get shut down, they attack. Like cornered rats or yippie little dogs.

Now your mom was being a total jerk and I agree with anonynurse who said she "wants to punch her in the neck"