I am sooo flippin ticked off!

I have to go for the GD endoscopy tomorrow so the surgeon can see if I have a stricture or a narrowing. He can attempt to dialate it if its narrowed. Maybe once..maybe more times needed. FML!!! What the hell did I do to myself!?? Was I so unhappy and friggin vain that I decided to mutilate my stomach to be thin??? Was I so amazingly LAZY that I couldn't just pick my FAT AS* off the couch and not stop shoveling the flippin food into my pie hiole!??? YES, I was. Now I have this GD mess to deal with. Positive blows...I have smiled...grimiced and cried alone for weeks and it still FRIGGIN SUCKS!! I AM MAD! This is not how it was supposed to be! AND I caused it..I chose this mess I have made of my life. I could lose my job if I miss more work...I can't think lately I am sooo miserable and MAD!

Who do I have to blame??? Me! MY freakin fat butt and my non-existant will power. If we are too weak to walk away from the donut...than what makes us think we can handle all the incredibly hard sh*t this surgery throws at you????

Now I have to deal with the procedure tomorrow...possible leak, possible bleeding, possible perforation???? Normal risks right??? ON TOP of all the day to day shitty BS I have had to deal with since the surgery! I am sick of being positive Polly! I'm not going to sit here, cry....and be Debbie Downer...I guess today I am just freakin Rage-ful Rita!!!!! I am mad. Mad at me and my lazy fat self. Mad at the doc for making me the FIRST sleeve that this has happened to with him...mad at FOOD! JUST MAD! If I had complications after the surgery that supposedly went perfect than what disaster awaits me tomorrow!?? Am I just asking for it!?? Glutton for punishment?? Should I just back out and say screw it, serves me right if I can never eat right again. If I wasn't a whimpy fat cow I wouldn't be here in the first place. Maybe this is what I deserve.

Suicide by LOAF of BREAD sounds good right now... That would be the Fox 23 news headline. (thats our hack-ish, ambulance chasing news station around here)

I give up.....THIS WAS SUCH A GIAGANTIC MISTAKE!!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this! I am just wondering though....what size bougie did your surgeon use? I am having surgery on 6/17 and found out mine uses a 40f. I questioned him that it sounded much larger than others here on the board and he told me the smaller the bougie, more chance for complications such as you describe.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and pray that it is just a healing issue and you will be fine. {{{hugs}}}

All I can say is, thanks everyone. I'm tring to be 'normal' today. Its just that normal since this surgery is a fake smile and I'll be or I am fine...attitude that is getting hard to do these days. I don't think I can go through with the procedure today. Well, I'm going to let him do the endoscopy, but just to look so we know what we're dealing with. No dilation, no messing with my sleeve. I'm too scared of anything getting any worse. If there is nothing...just slow healing and/or a lot of restriction for me, than ok. If there is a narrowing that needs to be dealt with, well, I think I need to deal with it when I am stronger. The risks, while slight chances, don't seem so slight to me in light of my recent luck with all this. Waking up, finding out he perforated my sleeve trying to dilate and i was rushed to the OR and converted to gastric bypass is NOT an option. I can't even begin to wrap my brain around that too at this point. So for today, I think we just look. I will take it from there.

Again, thank you all....even though I want to cry, am sick of trying to stay positive...its nice to be able to kick and hollar, have a big ole temper tantrum and have someone 'get it'!!!

THANK YOU ALL FOR GETTING IT! XO

(now, lets just hope the doc is ok with my plan for today...eek, I think he's going to be...well, lets just say 'not too happy' with my decision...ugh!)

He doesn't use one, he uses an endoscope so he can see inside the stomach as well. He said he doesn't hug it with the stapler, so its like a 32French.

Glad things are better for you, sorry you have had to deal with the complications.

I'm sure if I had run into any complications I would be questioning myself and why did I do this to myself. In fact, that was one of my fears pre-op that I was going in and messing with a perfectly good organ. Ugh. It is scary to think about and I'm truly sorry that you had complications. So glad you found a dr. who was willing to listen to you and is working with you to get you back on the road to reclaiming your health!

Glad the procedure went well and you are starting to feel a bit better. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Hopefully that will be your last "hurdle" on the healing road.

I love the way you express yourself! So honest! I have felt the way you described about "why couldn't I do this with will power and dieting?" I was fine with your anger tirade -- good to get it out! I do hope things go better for you. When the problems have been resolved, you are still going to have LOTS of opportunities to practice will power! Little to no carbs, lots of fluids, making sure you put quality food in your mouth, exercising. The sleeve does not do it all for us. I know I am still learning how to take care of my body, which is something I didn't do before. Hang in there! I'm glad you found this forum. It helps to be able to communicate with others who have made this choice for ourselves.

I am SOOOOO glad you feel better. I think in the end you will be glad for a sleeve on the small side as they do increase capacity eventually and you have a good tool to help you get where you want to go- once you can actually swallow!

My doctor uses a 34 bougie, and I worried that was small but am glad for it now. SO far I have had no trouble drinking after those first swollen days.

And I love your honesty to rant and let it out! You speak form many.

BTW I LOOOOVE me some weddings- I am a wedding photographer and never get enough- I watch all the wedding shows on TV. If you ever want to talk weddings pm me.

I am so glad things went well with the procedure and now maybe no more bad surprises for you!! You were very upset and had every reason to vent/rant. You have had sleeve problems, non-supportive co-workers/boss, and it looks like you are also trying to plan a wedding?? No wonder you blew a gasket, you were completely entitled to those feelings. I plan on being more open and verbal about my feelings on things now, because I know I have spent the most part of my life holding things inside, and trying to make sure everyone around me was happy, and I didn't offend anyone. I am a people pleaser, and thought that was the right thing to do. I cared more about other peoples feelings than my own. I now realize that it was low self esteem that contributed to that, as well as contributed to my being overweight. So I have warned people I may be emotional and even bi*chy at times, and they need to deal with it and get used to it. My sister jokingly said, well at least you will be a skinny b*tch!!! haha. We had a good laugh with that one. So yeah, they were warned.

I hope things get better everyday for you, and you come to love your sleeve and your journey. We are all here to listen to the joys and pains and give each other support. I really like this forum.

How I can relate to you! Well my story isn't quite as yours is, a bit different but very simular. . .i had the sleeve about 2 years ago. . . .i haven't had any complications really to talk about however at almost 2 years out i now wonder "couldnt i have done this by just restricting my food intake?" Like you, couldn't i just have moved my butt off the couch more often? Couldn't I, couldn't i , couldn't i???? . . . now i regret the sleeve. . . not because i'm hurting or anything, but because i still have tons of restriction (1 egg causes me to slime, never mind adding 1 slice of bacon) I had a 28/32 F bougie. . . I'm happy to have lost 150lb and that i can do everything possible now, I satisfied my doctors weight goal. . .would like to loose about 20 more but hey whatever at this point. . . i would love to be able to go out with my hubbie to a nice restaurant and not just order an appetizer and then ask for a take out box because i couldn't finish the 3 little food that was brought out. . . hubbie now has stopped going out with me cause he says "it's too expensive especially since i can't eat anything and the plates cost so much" . . . i can't be upset with him at all cause he is so very right. . . I would love to have my Vitamin D deficency turn around again. . would love to stop thinking what should i have first, food or liquids. . . could i have done this by myself????? if i could have i would have a long time ago right??? Desperate things mean desperate measures. . . ugh. . . it's ok though, it's done and I'll be fine as will you. . . good luck

Wow that is small 28-32! I am sorry you still can't eat a lot. However I think your husband's attitude sucks and you can tell him I said so. Man people order a full meal and box at the same time and just put most of it away. So what? You get to enjoy the lovely flavors a few different times. Surely your husband loves the results of the sleeve and you should not be punished by being denied going out for dinner .

You lost 150 pounds? Seriously - regret seems to wacky to me- you know perfectly well that if you really could have lost that another way you would have. You did this to save your life and two years later are still keeping it off. I am not coming down on you- I think I am talking to myself too- I am day 12 and every once in a while I have a pang of loss of the way I used to be able to eat- like watching my husband eat the buttered movie popcorn my son brings home from work to us in unlimited quantities and knowing that is over for me. Do you mean to say that if you went back to before your surgery- at your weight then- you would NOT have the surgery?

I am so sorry you are going through this! I am just wondering though....what size bougie did your surgeon use? I am having surgery on 6/17 and found out mine uses a 40f. I questioned him that it sounded much larger than others here on the board and he told me the smaller the bougie, more chance for complications such as you describe.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and pray that it is just a healing issue and you will be fine. {{{hugs}}}

40 seems a little large, but what do I know? My doctor uses 34- and he has few complications- he has been doing the surgery for years and most of the things I asked him about in my worry faze are things he has never had happen.

Isn't it funny comparing the tiny tools that determine the new size of our thumbys! ;-P