I've become obsessed with my incisions. The drain incision is scabbed over and looks kind of like a satisfying knife wound, like if I had a body to put a bikini in I'd walk around in it and wait for people to ask me what happened, at which point I would tell them I got into it with a shaolin cashier. The other two are still nestled in surgistrips and I am starting to resent them. They were supposed to fall off six days ago but they are clinging to their profession for dear life.

I want to see what's under there first of all and second of all I want to know what a "completely healed" incision looks like so I can look at it and put my swimsuit on. I paid a year in advance at the health club to make sure I would get around to actually going. I spent A LOT of money on stuff like this before I caved to surgery. I bought that stuff, Sensa, you're supposed to sprinkle on your food to make you eat less of it. I bought fat burning supplements. I bought a whole workout tape suite from Beachbody.com complete with rubber exercise bands, a hundred and fifty bucks, thanks, and I hated the workout, it was Tae Bo. I am even suspicious of people who say they do Tae Bo, I don't believe them. Two years of that and you'd be on a diet of aleve, good whiskey and cortisone shots every other week. . I bought special shakes. And I finally thought, seriously, fuq this. I exactly the desperate clueless consumer these salespitches work best on.

Last night at Walgreens ( you wouldn't believe what I was doing at Walgreens, I'll tell you in a minute) I walked past the magazine display and there was a new copy of For Women First up there. For Women First, in case you're not aware, is Satan. Their diet of the week this week was Japanese Probiotics, which are "taking the country by storm", are "better than a diet pil", and are " a secret Japanese women have known for centuries." Now this magazine, I've decided, is actually out to destroy the mental health of American women. First, you get pages of advice about what to eat instead of going to the doctor. You can find the answers to all your problems at the grocery story. Migraines? Try blueberries. Muscle aches? Karo syrup. Blind in one eye? Canned pumpkin, which has more antioxidants than raw fresh pumpkin. Then you get to the Miracle Slimming Secret picturing one previously-fat fictional female aged about 35 in a collage with various arrangements of food, mostly Water crackers and celery and tomato slices or whatever. Then the rest of the magazine is full of recipes that have nothing to do with being healthy or slim or sane.

There absolutely nothing you can do in response to a barrage of sick female foodthinking except of course make an enormous table-sized cake depicting the Battle of Gettysburg. What else, right? I mean this is a magazine FOR FAT WOMEN. IN LINE AT THE GROCERY STORE.

Anyway I was pretty mad at For Women First. But the reason I came to Walgreens was for something really weird. Crayonss. I was so wiped out mentally yesterday I decided what I wanted to do is make mandalas and color. I know that sounds strange but I still get so tired around five PM. I don't have any energy left and it's too early to go to bed and TV is basically just a salesman in my living room. So I went home and made mandalas and colored and talked to various people on the phone who were unlikely to piss me off. I think the third week is going to be the hardest week. Today I'm taking it easy, gonna have some tea, lay off milk and drink some Isopure Green Apples and Bad Decisions Protein Drink.

I've never had a surgery before and I'm not used to recovering from one. It really does sort of blow. Today gets a C. There's going to be a tornado later and I'm going to do Sudoku and color. This is what it probably feels like to be 110.

Are you off work? How long did you take?

I will have to stock up on crayons before surgery, our Walgreens isn't a 24 hour on so I could be desperate if I don't.

I have had surgery - even abdominal surgery - a few times so I know what it will be like. But I will still whine and make my family wait on me while they are around. hehe

You Are SOOO FUNNY!

I LOVE coloring! Hang in there girl!

You are hilarious. I love your story.

I love coloring too, I'm not very good at sharing my crayons though, especially with 3 year old granddaughter who has no respect for stuff.

How do you make Mandalas? Do you download them? (sorry for stupid questions, I'm a noob)

You are seriously very funny. We really need to hang out. I have long felt the same way about Womens First. Every week is a new diet to make us all feel like we should be on one, even for those of us who don't.

Mandalas are a very good use of down time. Generally relaxing.

It does get better. If your steristrips should have fallen off 6 days ago, they can go. (I am a nurse, not just making this up). They usually only stay on for a week or so. If you are past that, let them go. They should not have job security.

The energy usually comes up when you can get enough Protein in. Once the weight really starts falling off, it will really jump up.

Congrats though and keep up the good work.

You should start a blog! Your writing deserves to be read on a wider scale. Pretty soon, life will be more normal...I promise. Hang in there for a few more weeks, and you'll have this down pat.

. I love coloring too. And dammit, I am 46 years old with a grown child and I just got a major organ removed from my body cavity and I am going to color if I want to. I remembered it, actually, because it's what I finally gave up and started doing a moment not so long ago when I got divorced and my mom died the same year. I found out about coloring mandalas from a new-agey friend of mine but if all they had was Disney Princess and Matchbox cars I would color those. In public. I'd just go to the damn Starbucks and start filling in the flesh tones on Ariel the Mermaid. Hey man, I'm a paying customer!

Mandalas: Sometimes when I'm in an artsy mood I make my own, but there are tons of free printable onels online, You can also order whole books of these things from amazon along with the coloring weapon of your choice. One kind of cool thing to do is do them with watercolor pencil and then do a careful wash with a brush and clean Water. It's *at least* as satisfying as watching Mildred Piece in my opinion.

And thank you thank you thank you for telling me I could take off my surgistrips. There was some sort of black stuff I could see under them that I thought were big beetle-y scabs but when I took em off...nothing. A touch of discoloration. A pucker. Amazing.

In re the coloring. I didn't cry today -- first time since I came out of surgery. So either coloring is magic or I'm almost Soup.

. I love coloring too. And dammit, I am 46 years old with a grown child and I just got a major organ removed from my body cavity and I am going to color if I want to. I remembered it, actually, because it's what I finally gave up and started doing a moment not so long ago when I got divorced and my mom died the same year. I found out about coloring mandalas from a new-agey friend of mine but if all they had was Disney Princess and Matchbox cars I would color those. In public. I'd just go to the damn Starbucks and start filling in the flesh tones on Ariel the Mermaid. Hey man, I'm a paying customer!

Mandalas: Sometimes when I'm in an artsy mood I make my own, but there are tons of free printable onels online, You can also order whole books of these things from amazon along with the coloring weapon of your choice. One kind of cool thing to do is do them with watercolor pencil and then do a careful wash with a brush and clean Water. It's *at least* as satisfying as watching Mildred Piece in my opinion.

And thank you thank you thank you for telling me I could take off my surgistrips. There was some sort of black stuff I could see under them that I thought were big beetle-y scabs but when I took em off...nothing. A touch of discoloration. A pucker. Amazing.

In re the coloring. I didn't cry today -- first time since I came out of surgery. So either coloring is magic or I'm almost soup.

Don't know how I did that...posting your quote without anything from me...

I love coloring! And when you need something else to play with, crayon now makes COLORED bubbles- amazing. I can't believe no one came up with them before. YOu can get a bubble gun with two colors from them if you want to get out some of that anger in a magical way ;-P

By the way.next time you are in Walgreens I am sure you could relaly liven things up- maybe even bring that C grade up, with a visit to the "As Seen on TV" department. A must not be missed for me.

Don't know how I did that...posting your quote without anything from me...

I love coloring! And when you need something else to play with, crayon now makes COLORED bubbles- amazing. I can't believe no one came up with them before. YOu can get a bubble gun with two colors from them if you want to get out some of that anger in a magical way ;-P

By the way.next time you are in Walgreens I am sure you could relaly liven things up- maybe even bring that C grade up, with a visit to the "As Seen on TV" department. A must not be missed for me.

Oh my God! I forgot about that! There was a "Shakeweight" there!

You are super funny and you should start a blog, I would follow it! It would take up some of your "free" time! HAHA! Good luck and hang in there.

Oh my God! I forgot about that! There was a "Shakeweight" there!

I saw one of these at Rite-Aid the other day. I was drawn to it like a new flavor of Ben and Jerrys... and then I remembered... I'm sleeved! I don't need that piece of plastic crap! I'm so happy with my sleeve... you will be soon enough too. I hope you are just as funny when you are SOOOO skinny and happy... And you remember the 'little people' after you get so famous you are on David Letterman talking about how you used to be fat, and how you won Americas Top Model after all that friggen work, and how you got a one person show at the Guggenheim with your "mesmerizing and transformative" mandalas.

I saw one of these at Rite-Aid the other day. I was drawn to it like a new flavor of Ben and Jerrys... and then I remembered... I'm sleeved! I don't need that piece of plastic crap! I'm so happy with my sleeve... you will be soon enough too. I hope you are just as funny when you are SOOOO skinny and happy... And you remember the 'little people' after you get so famous you are on David Letterman talking about how you used to be fat, and how you won Americas Top Model after all that friggen work, and how you got a one person show at the Guggenheim with your "mesmerizing and transformative" mandalas.

. Aw...that was a very nice thing to say, thank you,

I don't think they do mandalas at the Guggenheim. Although now that you mentioned this I'm getting this vision of a performance art piece about getting a sleeve. Interpretive dance, you know, with a Greek chorus crying alas, alas, their arms waving in the air whie half a stomach flies away on Spiderman wires with a little halo on..

. Aw...that was a very nice thing to say, thank you,

I don't think they do mandalas at the Guggenheim. Although now that you mentioned this I'm getting this vision of a performance art piece about getting a sleeve. Interpretive dance, you know, with a Greek chorus crying alas, alas, their arms waving in the air whie half a stomach flies away on Spiderman wires with a little halo on..

Thats what I'm talking about.! Don't forget the Gyuto Tibetan Buddhist Monks wearing maroon and saffron scrubs.....

Bahahahaha!

This post had me laughing to tears. OHmygod. If you're not a pro-writer, you should be.