Hi everyone - I'm new here, and am hesitating to post this, because its my first post here and I don't want people to think that I am a raving witch! I just don't know where else to go. I need a place to vent...so please don't judge.

I am almost 2 years out - lost 85, had an unfill and have regained nearly 30 in 3 months. Am I pissed off? Umm...YES! And I don't mean to come off as a wretch, but I don't want sunshine and sweetness & anyone to tell me that everything will be fine once I can be re-filled. Its my fault I regained & I am an idiot for it. I regained by eating LOTS of crap food, not because I ate too much broccoli. I regained because even though I *thought* I had learned something with this band, that *maybe* I had actually been losing weight because of the great choices I was making and blah blah blah, really it was the band that made me lose the weight, and without it I feel completely vulnerable. I hate that I feel that, too, because I am a strong hear-me-roar-kind of person usually. Before, I felt legitimately happy for people as I saw them lose tons of weight each month - and now I am turning jealous and bitter. Before, I admired people who said they could eat like birds and never cheated, and now (new cynic in me) says "NO ONE can eat like that - they're lying! Everyone cheats, right?" I really am a nice person - I swear! I hate that this is all changing who I am.

So please don't flame me for being honest. I just really hate being fat and hate that my band isn't helping me, and hate that I haven't been able to help myself.. (except to seconds and thirds LOL...)

Alrighty then.... beat yourself up. You know what to do, then do it! Get back on track. Start right now! Your already mad at yourself. Take control. You have won the fight before and you can do it again! Just think about the weight you have lost, don't dwell on the gain. Just get back on track... You can win at this!!! You can do it!

Welcome to LBT, bandedmama! There's actually several here that are in your shoes -- banded, but unfilled. In fact, let me see if I can find the latest thread: http://www.lapbandtalk.com/showthread.php?t=18499

While I can't understand what you're going through, I can offer sympathy & a willing ear. Hang in there! Be gentle with yourself!!

We're glad you're here! Vent away!!

(( Hugs!! ))

Janet

I think what happens, and I could be wrong, is that we develop a mindset of being able to eat whatever we want because the band limits the amount. Then, if we lose the fill, we question why am I gaining weight when I'm eating the same things I did before?! The fact is, that without that restriction, we do get hungry and it does take more food to fill us up. So eating more of the "same thing you ate before" is naturally going to cause weight gain. Add to that the stress and worry of gaining without that fill, and in come the comfort foods.

It is not natural to eat 1/2 to 1 cup of food and be full. So don't be so hard on yourself. What has happened is very understandable and can be reversed. It was a hard lesson learned, but it sounds like one that you will not soon forget.

As for the feelings of envy and and bitterness... I think those most likely equate to fear. When we feel ourselves slipping backwards into the dark pit we just climbed out of, it's hard to keep a smile and cheer on the ones who are still climbing.

Tomorrow is a new day, with lots of choices to be made. And you have the power to make whatever choice you truly want to make for yourself. Beating yourself up isn't going to give you the desire to keep trying. So do try to remember to be kind to yourself. This is probably one of the hardest things you've ever tried to overcome, and the battle is far from being over. *hugs*

I agree with Susan. Unless you consciously set out to change food choices as a bandster, you'll end up eating less of what you ate before and therefore you're not really teaching yourself much. You need to actively work to choose better foods. All the principles that you would normally apply to dieting without a band you should apply to eating with the band - crackpot silly diets excepted.

It really probably will be alright when you get refilled but you've got to redo all that hard work and I'd be pretty pissed by that too. If you dont want sunshine and sweetness fine, then you need somebody to phrase it another way - ie. snap out of it, you still have your band, you can get refilled and you have nothing stopping you from working towards your goal again, so stop the moping and get to it. Sunshine and sweetness is only a nicer way of saying that.

You're no less human than anybody else, you havent done anything a million bandsters wouldnt also do if they were in your situation and the solution is exactly the same, hop to it and get back on that bandwagon.

Hi Bandedmama,

Before I got the band, I lost over 200 pounds (diet and exercise) and then regained all but 100 pounds. I'm getting my first fill on Thursday and hope that I finally feel restriction. I read all the posts about people not being able to eat X or Y and feeling full after 1/2 cup of food and I wonder if the surgeon operated on me but forgot to put the damn band inside.

Come here for support and psych yourself into the "losing" mode. Obesity is an addiction so you'll never be cured. The best we can do is never give up the battle and admit defeat. FIGHT BACK!

BandedMama....I feel your pain. I'm unfilled and eating like a maniac. I shovel and wolf and pack it in. It feels so good and then it feels so bad. I love being able to eat things I haven't been able to for so long. But now the scale is showing it. I, too, feel like I have learned nothing.

I have put my faith in my band- that when it gets filled again I can tackle my demons again. I miss my band very much. I miss feeling full on a few bites. I can't believe how expensive food is! I need my band. But I refuse to beat myself up for my addiction. I just can't start that negative self talk again. I am trying to be ery forgiving of myself. Sometimes it works, othertimes it doesn't. I hear ya sister....

Megan

Vent away! Welcome Bandedmamma, go ahead and vent. It's good for you!

Wow – thank you everyone! I am so grateful for your responses. I didn’t mean to come off harshly about “no sunshine and roses” but with every “just do it!” type statement I just read, it brought a bigger smile to my face – I know what I need is a good kick in the butt!!! So for that – thank you!!! And thank you everyone for the welcome!

Welcome, bandedmama! Sooner or later we all have to vent about something, and the great thing about this forum is that we can and people understand! Most of us are pretty non-judgmental, since we tend to be judged by others regarding our weight. Hope you're feeling better and ready to tackle the journey again!

Emily

Thank you Emily -- I know what you mean about always being judged. I just feel like I've turned that judgement onto myself, and don't like it. I am getting closer to my fill date and am holding so much faith in it - when what I really need is to find self control. Thank you for the welcome! I really appreciate it!!

I think that if everyone...or even MOST everyone...actually "learned" that ever-so-difficult to master lesson about eating...that the band would be a temporary fix and everyone could have it removed after a year or two or three.

You know? Like..."wear this for three years and at the end of that time, you will have LEARNED something that will THEN make you eat the way you need to eat for the rest of your life."

There must be reason it isn't marketed that way. (Which is why your problems are not yours alone!)

BandedMama- You're one step ahead of the game. You know that the problem isn't because of your band, but rather because of your choices in eating. That's a big plus in the game. Maybe this is a heads up that there are still some head hunger issues that need to be tackled, and the only way to tackle them is to first admit them. So you're heading in the right direction!!

Hang in there and don't give up!

Kristin

Thank you so much Kristin! I know I have HUGE head hunger issues to tackle - and it is scary to admit that. I did step on the scale today, because I had been avoiding it, and found that I've gained back 28 pounds! Ugh. I am now asking myself why I'm eating when I do, its just knowing its not for hunger and then finding the strength to say "Well then drop it woman!!!" LOL I appreciate your comments though - thank you!

No problem venting we all do it, the other side of the coin is what needs to be done, you already know so do it and get back on track

Bandedmama and others - what an eye opening thread and first - bandedmama - I'm glad you are feeling better. I'm newly banded and have recently realized that obesity is a diesease (imo) and without the band I would never have a chance of losing and more imp keeping it off - cuz sure i've lost the weight before but always gained it back. Even now, whenever i can get away with it (due to band fickleness, my cheating, that time of month) if i can eat more, I will. Along with a host of other bad habits i realize now they don't go away - so if I was to lose my band or get unfiilled I would be in the same boat as you. Sad, but true, I hope that after 5 years some habits would be ingrained but i'm not betting on it now - i hope i can keep the band forever for that is my last hope/chance. Good luck to all. mary