So, my husband confesses to me today that his parents know about my surgery. I didn't want them to know because in the past they have made nasty comments about my weight and they're the type that would watch everything I eat and make snarky comments. He also has a sister that revels in showing how thin she is compared to me. (I could go on and on about the comments but won't because then I will start crying)

Turns out my mom slipped and mentioned something about my procedure to them. She just said "Yea they found a hernia too". Well, I told them I was having hernia surgery. So, his dad asks him why he's lying to him and to fess up. So, he does. He tells them. And he doesn't understand why I'm upset.

I've cried since he told me. (About 2 hours ago) These were people I did NOT want to know. So I asked him "Well, will they tell your sister" and he's like "I don't know".

And now he's mad at me for being upset about it.

I just had to come here and vent for a second. I'm hurt, upset and distraught. Now, they'll be watching every single thing I eat.

Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation? I just want to put my head under the blankets and sob right now. I feel like he betrayed me. And to make matters worse, this was TUESDAY and he's just telling me TODAY.

:w00t:

Heartbroken...

You know, in-laws can be really crappy, and unfortunately when you marry, you get them too. I have dealt with a similar situation before, and I learned that I don't owe anyone an explanation for what I do with my own body. If they bring it up or make snarky comments, I would simply respond "what I do to or put in my body is my business, shall we change the subject"? As for hubby, he hurt you. Men unfortunately are good at that sometimes. He will not ever understand why you didn't want anyone knowing, so stop trying to convince him. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, agree to disagree with hubby, try to forgive him for being a ding-bat, and be proud that you are willing to make such a huge committment to fix what 'ails you. We are all proud, so keep Kickin Ass!

From a man's perspective:

If I were you and visiting with them and they said Anything, disparraging, or hurtful, I would look them straight in the eye and point my finger at them and simply tell them to SHUT UP AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!! You are no ones punching bag, nor are you their ego booster.

Oh Hal that will hurt our relationship ---- What relationship???

Dear Hubby??? Choose your wife or mommy

Sometimes you have to be a gut fighter.

Regards

Hal

Ginger, I'm so sorry you were caught offguard. That is just awful. I agree with a lot of the posts that these people are obviously miserable anyway and somehow take pleasure in making others' lives miserable! How often do you see them? I'd actually try to distance myself (if you can). It sounds like they stir the pot quite a bit where you and your hubby are concerned. SO sorry! Just keep you chin up and know you have all of us here to support you! You are beautiful outside and in and don't let ANYONE make you feel any different, girl! To hell with 'em !

There's not a dang thing I can say better than it's been said here. I didn't tell my son, because I didn't want my ex to know, plus everysinglepersoninthecounty! Other than that, I have one friend who knows, and the rest of my family (cousins, aunts, sister), who are very supportive. If you're stubborn like me, this will be just one more reason to show your stuff and stick with it. Especially after you've lost a bit and are down a couple sizes, if they comment about what you eat, just tell 'em: "I know, isn't it GREAT! I have learned how to eat and STILL lose weight!!" Then glance knowingly at their love handles or big butt, furrow your brow with concern, make a little "you poor thing" sigh, and turn away... lol.

Okay, from a man's perspective....didn't you say that your mother is the one who told your in-laws??? So why are you so mad at your husband... It sounds to me like he was the one put on the spot, getting caught in a "lie" to his family. If they had already been told the truth by your mother, what is he supposed to say when confronted about it? They already know the truth...Make up and move on...

Sorry - should have clarified - my mom (who is 71) slipped up and said "she's out of surgery and they fixed her hernia, too" so she didn't say what surgery I had. All she said was that I had my hernia fixed, too.

What I had told the in-laws was that I was having hernia surgery. Hence, why they interrogated him the minute they got him alone.

Of course, my husband is a closet smoker and his parents would FREAK if they knew. Of course, each time my kids made a comment about it and his parents freaked out, I covered for him telling them one excuse or another, so they think their son doesn't smoke. I told him I was expecting the same sort of protection. That's all. (My husband even said my mom was innocent in it - he admitted that part)

Trust me - it's not a male-bashing moment. He's a good guy good dad, etc. But, it's the fact that he won't stand up to his family that makes me more mad than anything.

And after all my awesome bandster friends advice I had a great thought tonight. Here is my goal. My SIL who lives to pick on me for weight has gained some weight in the past few years so she's about a size 10 now. One day maybe I can say "Oh - I have some size 10 jeans that are a bit too big on me now. Would you like them???"

Mwah ha ha ha. A girl can dream, can't she?

:thumbup:

And after all my awesome bandster friends advice I had a great thought tonight. Here is my goal. My SIL who lives to pick on me for weight has gained some weight in the past few years so she's about a size 10 now. One day maybe I can say "Oh - I have some size 10 jeans that are a bit too big on me now. Would you like them???"

Mwah ha ha ha. A girl can dream, can't she?

:thumbup:

Sounds like a plan to me!!!! Hugs!!!

One day maybe I can say "Oh - I have some size 10 jeans that are a bit too big on me now. Would you like them???"

Oh, sistah, that day will dawn!

Thank you everyone for your support. I have to be honest, it's been a rough night. My husband and I have been arguing over it because he does not feel like he's done anything wrong and I'm still hurt.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind it.

I wish that his family would butt out. They are the reason for 99% of our fights.

:cool:

I'm so so sorry you have to go through this. Your in-laws sound exactly like mine. My SIL isnt quite the terror yours is but she is no peach, either. I chose to be upfront with them about it because I knew it would come out somehow and even though I didnt think it was any of their business I still told them anyway. I know you cant go back and undo what you did maybe you should sit down and have a talk with them and explain why you didnt want them to know. Maybe not the truth about that but something that will make them feel less like they were being lied to for other reasons. I WISH I could have kept it from mine. If I knew that they would never find out one way or the other I would have.

My hubby and I went through the same things you and yours are going through. His family did not like me (probably because I'm fat and theyre judgemental. Emphasis on the mental :eek:) and they would butt into everything we did. We constantly fought about them. I never ever asked him to choose between me and them but he did on his own at times and that caused even more problems because they were so sure I was telling him to stay away from them when I was the one saying "You should go visit your family" after one of the many times they insulted me royally. And he would say "No. Not until they apologize to you." One time he swore to me he wouldnt have anything to do with them until they apologized. And even though I knew they wouldnt and I didnt want him to cut contact with them because of that. I never wanted to come between them, it still hurt when he went back on his word and callled them just to chit chat and acted like nothing had happened. This was after a really hurtful set of words his mother threw at me. We ended up getting into a huge fight and right in the middle of it I said "You know what?! This is EXACTLY what they want. They're driving a wedge between us and theyre winning. This has got to stop!" so I got on the phone with his mother and basically told her "I'm not going anywhere. Either you learn some manners and we learn to get along or things are going to be really rough for the next 20 yrs because I love your son and he loves me and we're getting married whether you like it or not." and I added in the whole "If you knew me you wouldnt say the things you've said about me. You've never taken the time to get to know me." She said "Well you're always frowning when you're here." and I answered "Thats how I react when I dont feel welcome in someone's home." We had a 2 hour convo and I ended up going to their house for dinner after hubby left for work. We're not best friends now but I think she understands me and also knows I'm not going to take her or her husband's crap! Sometimes hubby standing up for you may not be enough. You have to let them know, regardless of what they think about you or your weight that you're a human being and you deserve the respect that you've given them. And as far as the SIL is concerned. I would just tell her to quit being such a bitch. It's not pretty. And it must be lonely being her.

Sorry that was such a long post but yours reminded me of what I went through with my in-laws. That was the extremely condensed version. LOL I could sit for hours and tell you about the Hell they've put us both through. But it's pretty much over now. Thankfully. Once in a while I have to do a little maintenance but other than that it's been good.

I wish you lots of luck with this. You deserve to be happy and try not to be so mad at hubby. Look at where he comes from. He may be wonderful but he's going to make some mistakes. Look at the example he's had. Sit him down and calmly explain why you're upset and if he gets angry at you try and explain it so he gets it. Tell him to put himself in your shoes and maybe use a different scenario as an example.

*HUGS* You'll get through this and just let him know that this is a tough time for you and you need him. The cat's out of the bag and there's no getting it back in. Time to forgive, forget and move on.

GingerJane,

I'm sorry that any of us have these types of people in our lives (in some form or the other). I pray that you will find it in your heart to forgive your DH for this mistake. Unforgiveness holds us back and eats at our very soul, but forgiving him releases you to move forward. Sounds like his family would be happy in knowing that it upsets you that they know. Maybe you can find a way to turn them finding out into something positive for you. Don't let them take you down to their level, some things just aren't worth the trouble and some people for that matter. You have done a great thing for you in having the surgery. Stay positive, this is about you not them!!!

This is just my in-put from knowing how my X-hubby was and still is to this day in the relationship with his family.

Your hubby is the same as you, you mentioned his father was/has always been unkind to him as well. You see the abuse is now directed at you, now more so since your what I called fresh meat in the family.

Do yourself and your husband a favor - grab him up and give him as much love as you can and make your HOME a happy safe place at all times as much as you can with-in your ability for him and yourself. Don't allow them to contine to make YOU both clash with the toxic crap they swing your way. He can't or has not mastered the ability to protect you from them, he can't even do it for himself.

All I can say is one time as our children grew my X in-laws went after one of our children and I've never in my life saw my husband blow on this mother like he did..... This I do know I'm an adult and can hold my own and have gotten better as I age..... But once I saw him protect our child he vaildated all the years he couldn't for me!!!

Hubby and I have moved past it - but boy I was not happy for a while. But, you're right - I did decide that he was also a victim of his dad. After all, he interrogated him when he had him cornered because he knows that he can do that to him. I guess because I'm the type of person that has always told people where to go (and how to get there - LOL!) I don't understand the submissiveness.

We've been to dinner with them three times since they found out and they haven't said a word. The only thing his mom asked was something about my choosing Protein. She was like 'Is that what you mainly have to eat now?" That was about it.

So, maybe he told them to back off. I don't know. I think he sometimes doesn't tell me the entire conversation. But, they haven't said a word. Of course, they do know I am completely capable of telling them to jump off of a bridge. LOL!

The longer I have my band, the more I realize how much I love this tool and they can all go to hell. :cool:

I'm so happy to hear all this great news. I've been in your shoes and I'm very proud of you. Keep your head up high and keep being the wonderful person you are...... Much love and well wishes.

Gingerjane, I'm sorry you had such a painful experience but now I'm happy to see that you've worked through it.

I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread and to thank all those who have posted such wonderful responses.

At first, I was dismayed and a little shocked at how many people knew about my surgery. Apparently, those I told didn't have any second thoughts about sharing this information with anybody and everybody. Silly me, I just assumed they would keep it to themselves.

Now I get the sympathetic, pitying droll, "How are you?" I smile brightly and tell them that I am fantastic! (I really am fantastic!) And I love the surprised looks.

What are they expecting, a sickly, deprived, whimpering dupe?

Educating one curious onlooker at a time!

Edited April 14, 201016 yr by Drasan

First you are in someway responsible for some of this.....YOU are letting them make it their business. If you don't make a big deal out of it, they will stop, guaranteed. Why would you put up with this sh*t in the first place? Tell them to back off. I wouldn't give them a dimes worth of my time, husband included(and thats why I don't have friends,,,LOL). The band is a great tool, use it and be proud of your life changing decision. As for that husband of yours...Shame on him...he needs a slap upside that stupid head of his.......onenuttynurse