Alright, time to come clean! The two days at the hospital were really great, I was released early and I felt so good. I have not been on any pain medication since the day after surgery. The last few days have been very hard for me for some reason. It really blindsided me and I really don't know why because I really want this and did everything within my power to make sure I got it. So, I sat down and did some deep thinking about it and I figured out I think it's a major control issue with me. It's no longer me in control, it's my stomach, my body. When I would diet before surgery I still had control over what I decided to put in, even if that meant cheating on my diet. Obviously I didn't have as much control as I convinced my mind that I did, otherwise, my diets would have worked, but now the control is 100% beyond me. Sure I could try and eat something, but I know the physical aspects would hurt very bad, not just be a cheat on the diet. It really got to me the last few days. I have been hungry, and have not been able to get in hardly any protein. Maybe 20 grams a day, very little calories, and the results have been very hard for me to adjust to. I have been so tired, gotten blurry vision occasionally, and felt so run down and I saw my house falling apart a little so it was getting to me mentally. The water intake has been at about 30oz a day, if I'm lucky! Another major reason I was frustrated. All this piled up on me and I felt so betrayed!! By my own body, and my own mind. I felt like I worked so hard to get this for me and now all I wanted was a freaking egg or 1/2 cup of real soup to eat.
But now it's reckoning time! Time for the complaining to stop, the whining, the longing, the wanting, it all needs to end! I have done this, I wanted this, I am healing great and losing pounds every day and there is no going back! My sister has been staying with us because my husband works a lot of hours and I have needed help with my littles ones, and I saw her this morning and realized all over again one of the reasons why I did this. I know all the medical reasons and health reasons, but for now I am going to remind myself of the physical appearance reasons as well. I have so many clothes I have bought over the years that at one time I fit in, or thought I would fit in shortly if I could just diet a little more.Well, obviously that did not go as planned so I have loaned so many out to my sisters over the years who have fit in them just fine. So I looked at my sister this morning wearing one of my favorite shirts that I am still about 55 pounds away from fitting into and It just clicked! Why the hell am I still whining about my intake? About being hungry? About how hard this is or how tired I am?? This is just one more piece of the diet I should be on anyway right now, and I am thankful for it! I am going to follow the plan my surgeon gave me, and lose the weight, and deal with the head and food issues, and get back MY life! MY clothes, MY health, and MY ability to take care of MY kids and MY house!
I am anxious to get back to exercise, I have been walking, but I really wish I had a treadmill. I have an elliptical, but I am being careful as I know I need to heal all the way before I start anything harder. I know I will get to a place of loving this sleeve rather then just accepting it. Once I see some more physical results and transition into a little bit healthier phase of fuel for my body I except that love and bond to the sleeve to start,
Anyway, I rambled on long enough, but I needed to get this out. I know I have read about others struggling a bit with their sleeve and other issues, so I know it will get better for us all!
I feel selfish being fat. Let me explain. This consumes me. It has consumed my life for a long time. I think about it all the time. Maybe even more so now because I am on this incredible journey with finally an awesome opportunity to lose weight. And that is something I have obsessed for .....for a very long time. Now, I feel like I have to focus even more to ensure I don't fail. I feel so self-consumed. So selfish.
I am a stress eater. Well, I used to be. I would eat, no binge like crazy when stressed. I was stressed often. Unfortunately, weight loss surgery did not cut out 85% of my stress.
I am watching my mother in law die from stomach and colon cancer. She was forced to be readmitted to the hospital tonight because she refuses to eat. Here I am with an eating issue, and here she is on the opposite end of it, but needing food if she wants to survive.
So, first I feel selfish to go through this, while she and my husband and his family are dealing with something so much harder. So it stresses me out. And I want to eat.
Tonight I did what any weight loss person could do. I binged....on some chocolate milk. In reality, I only had about 7 or 8 oz, but it was 2% and was, like I said, chocolate. Luckily I did good all day with my carb and calorie intake so I did not go over 800 calories for the day, but the point was I did not have the control over it in this time of intense stress.
I feel so sad to see my family go through this, and so selfish to still be focusing on something so...I don't want to say not serious, but in comparison...it seems like it.
I feel selfish that I needed this surgery. That I needed the help. That I needed this me time. Right in the middle of all this. I just don't want to put my kids through anything that I can help later in life. It just hurts too bad too see the family like this....I guess I am just justifying my feelings of selfishness by thinking it will prevent any pain in the future. Who knows....