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More2Love
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Blog Entries posted by More2Love
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So basicially I've been up and down with my emotions as of late. My thoughts always revolve around my weight and what others are thinking of me. I had my surgery May 18, 2011 and have lost 73 lbs. I went from weighing 316 to 243! That's great, but I still have way more to go. I would love to get around 170 lbs. And because I've put that number in my head I still see myself 73 lbs heavier. I notice that my jeans went down from a tight 22 to a 16, but my mentality hasn't changed yet. However, today at the gym, i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and hardly recognized myself. I'm 5'9" so 243 is heavy, but it's definitely better than 316. I just kept looking at myself! I think that it's finally clicked that I'm no longer 316 lbs. I'm beginning to realize that I look good and I'm going to continue working hard just to keep this satisfaction going. 170 lbs is just a number and it shouldn't really be my goal. My goal should be when I finally feel well and when my health has improved. So in Charlie Sheen's point of view, I'm now definitely "winning!"
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Well, I can honestly say that I've been much more irratible these last couple of months. No, I take that back. I was great for the first 3 weeks and then something changed in me that made me become the way that I am now. I think that the realization of the fact that I can't eat is getting to me. Oh, I can eat just fine (trust me) but I can't eat whenever and whatever I want to. I never realized just how much I truly crave food. And I'm not talking about that fuit nonsense. I'm talking about FOOD! Driving past a Chinese restaurant just about kills me. And then even looking at a Pizza Hut...well, you better start digging my grave now! Then again, before I had this surgery I had no self control. On my drive home on Saturday nights (about 12am) I would stop in at Pizza Hut, get a large stuffed crust pizza and eat *almost* the whole thing in one sitting. I used to go get chinese takeout almost every single day off that I had because it made me feel good... I had extremely poor eating habit before May 18, 2011. No wonder I was 316 lbs when I got this surgery done. And now (July 8, 2011) I can proudly say that I'm 262 lbs. I mean, for most people that's still a lot of weight. Sure, I know that. But I've got to remember where I started from. I started over 300 lbs and that was less than 2 months ago. And now I'm almost in the 50's. It still blows me away.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone at night, I just want to pull over and eat. I've been feeling a bit depressed about it because I can't do that. I can't just pull into a McDonald's and have a large Reese's McFlurry (Extra Reese's of course!). Or my parents have a friend that loves to cook. Sometimes he comes over and makes the best smelling and tasting food you could ever imagine. Just staring at the rice and the curried chicken makes my mouth water right now. And I find it funny that my parents ask me what's wrong while they are eating dinner. Yes, my attitude changes, but mostly because I'm trying not to listen to them rave about how good their meal is while I'm eating boiled veggies.
But then there are days like today that I feel great. Honestly, I was so proud of myself when I stepped onto that scale this morning. I wasn't quite sure what it was going to read because I did splurge and have a little extra yesterday, but the scale stayed steady. So far, a lot of this work has been because of me. I've only had 1 fill so far and I didn't feel much of a difference. I'm hungry all the time and know that I can eat alot still. However, the band has given me something that I haven't ever had before: will power. The band is the only thing that makes me want to stay focused. Without it, I would have never gotten this far. I'm a size 18 - coming from a tight 22. This band is giving me the confidence that I never knew existed before.
So yes, sometimes being banded can feel like the heaviest burden a person can have. There are so many restrictions - and a lot of it revolves around the only thing that I know/ do best: eating. I can't eat when I'm sad. I can't eat when I'm angry. And that's usuallly when I want to eat the most!
But the true question is here: Do I regret my decision of getting it done? And my answer is a big, fat: NO! I will never regret that I got it done!! No matter how much I complain, and complain, and complain...this band had changed my life for the better. I'm walking out of the house and not looking at my shoes. I'm feeling better about myself as I'm walking through the mall. I'm shopping at places that I'd never even considered before. I'm feeling great when going to the gym. I'm the happiest that I've been in probably my whole life. I will BEAT this disease! I will be the one to bury it, not the other way around.
So here's my question to you::::: Do YOU regret having it done?
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Well, tomorrow I'm getting my first fill. Shouldn't be that bad. I'm guessing.
I'm a bit nervous about the needle part, but I'm looking forward to have
somewhat restriction - though I heard the 1st one doesn't always give you the
restriction most people desire. This Wednesday I'll be exactly one month
post-op. Wow, this month flew by. So far I've lost 32 lbs. Not too bad. Ya know,
it took me 22 years to put this weight on, so I don't expect the weight to just
melt off. It takes time. Though I wouldn't mind having the weight just melt off!
I'm excited to finally just get it off and become "normal." I want to do normal
things and not have my weight slow me down. I want to go to Disney World and
ride the rides w/o being scared I won't fit. I want to go on dates with guys.
And someday I do want to have kids. I just want to be labeled as normal.
I switched gyms this weekend. It wasn't that I didn't like my old gym, i just felt a bit out of place.
My old gym was mostly for men who wanted to work on their muscles.
Everyone was so strong and no one was overweight. I just stuck w/ my tredmill, watching them with wide eyes.
These men were huge and most likely were gymnists sometime in their lives - wouldn't surprise
me...especially considering where I live. Walking into Serena/ Venus
Williams or Celine Dion (etc) on a daily basis is normal here. So I'm
guessing these guys are working on their stamina. So I joined a gym (farther
away) but it is a non-judgement facility. It's great! I feel so much more
laid back there compared to the other one. I've being listening to The
Airborne Toxic Event and it's been keeping me occupied while walking on the
tredmill. I need to start toning my arms, but I can't lift anything more
than 10 lbs because I'm still healing. I'm going to make the gym
a daily habit. I know it will be hard, but determination will get me
through this! Soon I'll be a size 8 Until then, where are my
keys because I'm off to the gym! But anyway, getting weighed in
tomorrow so I hope I've lost more. Keeping my fingers crossed!
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