parker62

Still smarting from the verbal slap from my surgeon and PA.
"Why didn't you come in sooner if it was that bad?" has been an earworm in my brain and I've been beating myself up...maybe I've not tried hard enough...maybe it's all in my head...
 
Like a lot of women I put myself last before all my other "gotta do" responsibilities.
 
Since even with the daily hurl, my weight pretty much stayed the same from July '12 until December '12 and other than annoyance of being sick, not being able to eat in public etc., I was otherwise healthy I dragged my heels on going to the doctor. Face it - after 2011's trip down breast cancer lane, I'd had enough doctors appointments. Going to my WLS cattle market with it's deli counter vibe - "Number 86", "Number 87"...was not something to look forward to.
 
So I had to laugh when I got home yesterday to find a message on my voice mail advising me that my WLS,"Wasn't going to be in on X date and we've rescheduled your appointment to X...". Three weeks from now. So I guess it's okay for the Doctor to have other commitments arise but not for thePatient.
 
In hindsight, yeah - it is "that bad". My weight is creeping up which only half surprises me. The list of what I can't eat gets longer and longer, but we all know the slider foods work especially when you're starving, on a short deadline...
 
Yesterday was what I like to call "classic"...
 
Even my thyroid medicine which I take first thing in the morning gives me the 'stop & drop' feeling. End up throwing up six times during the course of the day on food previously "safe". Often have a delay of 30 minutes or more following eating before getting sick which can be triggered by sitting down, or bending over. Often feels like it's not only food in the pouch, but food in my stomach coming back up.
I so love having to not only make sure I'm still in my pj's to eat(bra and anything fitted on my waist and nothing's going down) but also having to wait to jump in the shower. Gee - if it's a day when I need to shave my legs, gotta make sure breakfast stays down as just bending over to shave could be lethal.
 
Ah yes, totally normal and likely all my fault - she said, sarcastically!

I have found myself feeling very unsure about a lot of things lately. My job, marriage, personal relationships, and my band have often been the center of my frustrations. I thank God every single day for having a good job to work at, but lately things are so over whelming with mess! I supervisor two departments with a total of 36 staff members, and they are all woman. Do I need to say any more! I hope this does not sound offensive to anyone, but woman are some of the most emotional creations God has created. They bring their personal issues with them to work ex. (sick kids, bills, relationship issues, and lord help me "their endless gossip"), and I have had enough of their endless nonsense. Every single day it seems to be one more endless issue with work related drama. I do understand it's all apart of my job but I am worn out daily with the constant counseling, investigating issues, and being a peace maker.
 
For some reason, I initially thought my marriage would get better once I started to lose the weight. But honestly, our issues are not weight related and our communication break down continues to be broken. Yes, I do love my husband, and yes he is capable of being a great man. However, he continues to put himself before his family and he really don't see why I am always frustrated and upset by his choices and decisions. The poor communication breakdown makes things that much worst between us. We have been together for over 16 years, but I feel like I am living in a time zone because things often remain the same between us. I have often visited the question (do I go or stay.) We have a 5 year old son who adores his father and my 18 yr daughter who now has a 7 month old son adores him too. My grandbaby is very attached to my husband so I will be viewed as the bad person, because I try really hard not to involve the kids in our issues. Its several things that I have settled with for years that’s not okay with me any more. Am I being the unfair person?
 
Several of my long time friendships have sort of drifted away due to the lack of communications we have. I often find myself so wrapped up in my family, church, and my job until it’s very little time in my day for anything else. So, slowly but surely my friendships have drifted away. I continue to have two close friends and I do make an effort t to nourish those relationships a lot more (as best as my free time will allow me to)!
 
I am nearly 7 months post band and I make every effort daily to follow the rules of my band, but sometimes I really don’t workout like I should or would like to workout. I try to be as active as possible daily, but I still feel like I should be doing more when I read about other’s success. I do know and understand that every single person is totally different, but sometimes I do question if I am doing my best. I have posted some recent pictures but I really feel like my body and weight lost should be more advance than it is. Sometimes I feel so good about my progress and other days I continue to see that fat person staring back at me in the mirror.
 
I really don’t know why I have been on an emotional roller coaster! For so many years I have always been the strong and supportive person for everyone around me, but sometimes I want and need someone to be those things for me. I do know that God will not put more on me than I can bear, therefore I will continue to lend on my faith and stop feeling sorry for poor (ME)!
 
This post may have been more information than I needed to share, but I do feel so much better to get some of this stuff off of my chest. Thanks for the listening ears.