Lap_dancer

Everything I have done in my life has led me up to this moment. My reading of positive books, my most preferred books by Gerry Spence "How to Argue and Win Everytime", there was a Gerry in my orientation group ( a sign?) there was an orientation class happening on a Monday that I happened to have off ( a sign?) that Monday was only a few days from when I first called this center ( a sign?), my ability to deal with insurance companies after being responsible for that when the business had insurance ( past ability that come to my aid now?) being a secretary for seven years and writing business letters ( so I can deal with corporations?) and appealing a "Not covered".

When I spoke to my insurance company did I expect them to tell me it wasn't covered? Of course! Who am I kidding? I need this so bad so of course it isn't covered! Does NO ever mean NOOOO? Hell NO. Not in my world. This is where stubborn comes in handy. This is where putting on the b8tch hat of determination makes for a more positive result. Knowing that this person is a human being, knowing that she is doing her job and she didn't write the rules and knowing the last thing she wants to tell a 355 pound woman is "NO" your insurance doesn't cover this procedure that will likely lengthen your life; Knowing that gives me a calm when I speak to her. Her name is Darlene and she is the next level after customer service. There are always the other levels of people that you speak to. They work at banks and they reverse bounced check fees, they are supervisors that reverse policy under special circumstances, I was shooting for the special circumstance and I believed with all my heart that when I spoke to her yesterday, I WAS the special circumstance.

I did something with Darlene that I have not done since I got this heavy, I cried. The human in me escaped and I wept. I apologized. She told me it was okay, to "let it out" and I did. I told her that I had never cried about this before but that I felt like "No" was a death sentence. "He told me ten years" and then I cried some more. She told me she too had dealt with something similar, not weight loss surgery but an illness. *there are real people on the other end and they know* I think everyone has a loved one in their family, extended family or friend who is obese. They love them and they worry. They see the stories on television and in the magazines "Woman loses 200 pounds" or worse still ( 1 ton man stuck in door frame) How did they get that way? I know I know!!

One pound at a time, one mouthful at a time.

So they said No and I cried. Then there is the BUT. The but is called "medically necessary". ((and I'm here to tell you that medically necessary is me)) The steps to follow are that my doctor (the one who recommended gastric surgery, the one who knows I have tried, the one who has been on this journey with me) needs to contact my insurance company and follow the procedure outling why I need this. (10 years?) So I compiled a letter and I sent it by fax to him. I'll eventually post them on here.

Waiting now. No? Yes? If it is no, I swear to all that I will drive to an appeals hearing and I am completely prepared to strip naked in front of all of them. I will lift my stomach and offer that they can hold it if they want to "you can even touch it, here..it's okay!". How many think they would coil with repulsion? I do. They don't know how determined I am.

Waiting.

[music

The first time ever I saw your face

[03

Sep 2006|10:57am

When did it hit me? When Chris said, "think of all the things you would have done in Alaska had you not had a mobility issue"(?) Probably.

It all seem to come to synchronicity (great album BTW).

Half day at school, I needed to renew my prescriptions and see the doctor about that darn rash. I went to my dentist after school let out and had that off bite drilled down since it hadn't really felt right since doing the new filling. It took but a brief five minutes and I found myself back out in my car and heading towards Main Street. Left. I think I'll get those prescriptions in person rather than waiting for the pharmacy to call them in. Five blocks away and I was parking right next to the front door. How often does that happen? I walked up to the window and signed in and sat down. "Mrs. Reeves did you have an appointment?", a new receptionist peered out from the glass partition, "No I just happened to be in New Port Richey for a dentist appointment and need to have a rash looked at" (TMI I though to myself, too much information) but it seemed to appease her and I waited. Less than ten minutes and I was walking down the hallway past the examination rooms, going, going, to the last room which I know to be my doctor's preferred examination room. Wednesday, he's not there on Wednesdays, it's his day off.

"What are you here for today?". I like the older staff. I know them, they take their time and I can ask about the issue "downunda" without feeling like the PHCC grad staff is "sewgrossing" about it at lunch.

I tell her all of the truth, that I have a rash down there and that I have another rash on my arm. My back is killing me ( couldn't be that extra 200 pounds could it..answer your own question Patty, YES!) The list is long. She smiles, she comforts me and takes my blood pressure. She leaves. I'm waiting for the nurse practioner to come in but I hear my doctor's familiar pitch and tone. It's Wednesday, he isn't here on Wednesdays. The door opens and my nurse has returned, "Is Dr. Sichelman here?" "yes" "he isn't here on Wednesdays it's his day off" I tell her, "Dr. Galadi is on vacation so he is covering" she tells me.

(how often does that happen?) This is going to be a day for unexpected things.

My doctor comes in, I show him my rash on my arm, it's not really anything what else? There is the lump on my stomach in the mass of large fat on my belly I feel a pea like object, he feels it, it's nothing. He notices the rash below my stomach. I've been treating it with ointment for how long? (should I tell him years? Should I tell him two baths a day?) "it's been there awhile" I managed. He pulls at my underpants and notices another flush of skin below that. I admitted sex hadn't been what it use to be and he tells me to go to my OBGYN, "we really don't deal with that". Before I know it the conversation has turned with the problem at the moment and he begins examining me. This is a man of medicine, a healer at heart and I never appreciate him more than this moment. I have a staph infection and then a yeast infection. Before I leave there I will end up have a stack of nine separate prescriptions.

I cover myself back up and sit down on the bench. He sits down at the other end and the nurse is stationed with my chart and a pen at the desk. The greater question, the greater issue, my weight. "So when are we going to get this weight off?" It's a question, a subject that he and I have talked about for years. My doctor of 16 years. Through the phase of Phen-Fen, Meridian, Redux, 1200 calories, 1800 calories, over the counter products into last year and the diagnosis of Type I Diabetes, rehabilitation to begin some type of activity until now. It's serious. My back is giving under the pressure, I take Lasix for water retention, blood pressure medication and he switches me today to two types of medication.

"I know Doctor. I don't know what to do. I've tried, I've tried for years." This is a moment of honesty, the reality that my life is on the line. He tells me I'm looking at ten years. (ten years until my body breaks a blood vessel in my brain, tens years until my heart faults, ten years of semi goodness left in my body) He goes on to tell me about another patient.

"He had the same problem as you. He had the gastric surgery, came in a few months back and I hardly recognized him." *A year ago I couldn't have, wouldn't have entertained this procedure* I can do this on my own I said. But a year later and an increase in 25 pounds told me that there comes a time when one has to admit they are in over their head. I was in over my head and I knew it. "Where did he go?"

I was ready.

I refused to go to Community Hospital. Some how my brain is in 1983 with my first pregnancy and the halting news of things that had happened in this antiquated facility. But that was then, this is now. Reconstruction, new specialists are the norm for hospitals. This one has taken on the issue of obesity with a center for Weight Loss Surgery.

I called three gastric doctors before realizing that there was going to be more than just a surgery.

I went online and found the center's information site and read. I read for perhaps an hour. There was gastric bypass surgery, there was another type of surgery that was invasive. There was also the type of incision. I was quickly opting for laproscopic surgery. Small incision, scope to aid the doctor to see what was inside. Less invasive, quicker recovery(...I'll take some fries with that).

I phoned the center and the voice on the other end was a rich accent (Jamaica?) and gentle. She asked all the questions I anticipated. I'd been down this road with my children and their pediatric disorders. Who? What? What kind of insurance? The quicker route would be to have my doctor's office call this center because everything is a referral. Making a decision to have a procedure like this is the first step the second, step is the business of it. Is it covered by insurance?

The following Monday was a holiday and as it just happened to be, she was having a seminar with a few other patients. I would attend. That weekend went fast and Monday morning I was on my way down to New Port Richey, to the hospital, to the empty parking lot (holiday) to the office of Ivy. The first thing I did was sit down OF COURSE that is what fat people do when they first enter a room! (note to self: send that joke to Louis).

We made our way across the hall to the meeting room. There is something about conference rooms that put me at ease. I expect a lecture, a Power Point because the screen is down and soon we are joined by a couple. Later I would exchange email addresses with "Patti" who happened to have a favorite color too...PURPLE! She saw my "Pattypreferspurple" email address on the sign up sheet and we clicked from that moment on. She had come with her husband. Then there was Gerry. I looked at them and we all seemed to have this spiritual connection. I was past being shy about my obesity, I'm big and I know it. After a few hours I was hungry and my sugar was getting low. I asked Ivy for a banana or something to raise my sugar, FOOD? She called down to the cafeteria and ordered up a few breakfast items and coffee. What do fat people love to do when they come together? ORDER IN! What did I care that there were pastries on the tray, I was here for a procedure that wouldn't allow me to eat more than 1 oz. of food, " A shot glass" as I put it. We laughed, ate, drank and got down to the business of filling out paperwork, copying identification cards and preparing ourselves for the business of weight loss.

and it occurred to me. These people were smart, well articulated and with the collective as a group, we were already breaking down the percentages of the data on the Power Point and realizing that a large % of the group did not return post the procedure in the study group. So I admit that I too have the misperception that fat people are stupid, food numbed individuals who wile the hours away in front of a television doing everything but being nutritiously sound in mind and spirit. I'm beginning to learn a lot of WRONG things that like the rest of the world, I believe to be true.

Unpacking the bins I noticed notes on slips of paper, ornements and gift tags I had not used last year. It's be?

It's been one year since all these things have been used and one more year of my life. It occurred to me while unwrapping the foil ornament of Cinderella that even she was showing wear with time.

Finally, I am getting answers to the questions I had a year ago:

Why do I hurt (there/here) not all of the time but some of the time?

Why is it not getting so much easier for me to walk and only a little bit easier?

Why is the band just right, I am a go for green zone but not losing as rapidly as I should?

Why do I feel like I am crumbling?

So now I know.

If I can find my old Journal on LiveJournal I'm putting it here so the attic is all in one spot.

More to come

It's April 1st and in 16 days I'll board my flight to Atlanta and then Denver for my banding. Words cannot convey how thrilled I am.

The months of fighting with insurance don't matter right now.

Surgery Date: Check

Flight: Check

Hotel: Check