Boppers

I need support in a BIG way. I was banded in April of 2006 and have only lost 22 pounds. Because I have SO much weight to lose, this 22 pounds feels like nothing to me. Im so sad does anyone feel this same pain?? I hate myself right now because I went through this surgery and got myself and everyone else around me so excited about the potential weight loss and I feel like a complete FAILURE. I take 100% full responsibility. I do not follow the rules including drinking with meals. Sometimes Im so sad, I purposely drink so I can get down more and more food. Its not necessarily that Im sad, I could be excited, nervous, any mood outside of content and I can find myself eating too much. I have the Vanguard band and just got a fill. Now im at 5 cc's. I CAN make time to cook meals, not eat out, only eat GOOD food that takes up volume in my stomach, and excercise 30 minutes a day but I dont do it CONSISTANTLY. WHY cant I do that? Why do I put myself through so much PAIN. I want the hurt and guilt to go away. Does anyone understand my pain? I hate myself for being so heavy. I hate that I still have sleep apnea and my husband has to roll over in bed and see me sleeping with a mask on my face. I hate having these fertility problems. Im so heavy I cant even get pregnant.I just want to crawl inside myself and not come out until I am healthy. This weight causes me so much pain but I dont think about the pain when Im eating something that tastes good.Its an awful cycle. Who out there knows how I feel or has anyone ever gone through this and been able to change. Please let me know