bkgrandma

I'm morbidly obese not just FAT. I hate that label that people put on you, morbidly obese, it sounds like a death sentence and it probably is but I still hate it. I'm a closet eater and a sweet addict, have been as long as I can remember, I don't care if I eat "normal" food or not, but if there is anything around me that is sweet I will eat my fill. I have a terrible habit of not eating during the day, no desire too and at night I'm at my hungryest. If I never ate sweets again, I'm be very thin, at least I think I would so why don't I get them up. I can't and don't want to. I started sneaking sweets when I was about 9 years old, I was over weight then and my parents knew it and mainly my dad just yelled every time the refrigerator would open, of course my mom made homemade desserts every night for dinner and just one serving wasn't enough for me, I wanted more and more and here I sit at almost 62 years old and I still sneak sweets. I can imagine your wondering who I'm sneaking them from, beats me. I've been married for 44 years to a man who knows everything I do, I tell him when I sneak most of the time and sometimes I'm too embarrassed to. My dad's been gone for 32 years so it's no longer him, just a bad habit. I also suffer from a panic disorder, had constant panic attacks for over 20 years, on all kinds of meds, visited many shrinks, psychologists, doctors and they all say I have a chemical disorder. The attacks are under control thank God, I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy but the meds are whats keeping them at bay. My family history stinks, my dad died at 52 of a massage heart attack, my sister had a heart attack and has a stint, I have 3 stints in my heart but didn't have a heart attack, my brother has a stint in his and my younger sister had a heart transplant. All my first cousins on my dads side have stints in their hearts all before the age of 50. I hit 57 before they caught mine. We're all over weight, but only my brother and I are considered obese. I had a lap band for 2 years now and haven't lost a thing, there were problems but I have to admit I haven't worked the program, sweets go down real good. Well, that's my story. I eat too many sweets and of course I don't exercisxe either, I usually use the arthritis and knee replacement as a excuse but I think I'm just to fat and lazy to even want to do anything.

My problem was a lot of scar tissue surrounding the port. Linda

Well what the tests have showed lately is the the esophagus has a certain amount of movement in it to work the food down and they can measure the amount of pressure with this scope I'm waiting to have on the 18th. If it's not too bad it can be controlled with medications if it's bad there are other options that I'm not thrilled with and that of course is surgery. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's just a mild problem. I wish your Mom luck, she should have it checked. I guess whatever it's called that their checking for does not have a cure. Figures. Linda

I'm like that and they poked a hole in mine and I had to have it replaced. Be careful.

Well I hope this isn't too long. I was banded in September 2005, didn't do anything to help my eating, kept getting fills and nothing. Had the port replaced in February 2006 so started again, no luck. I admit I have a eating disorder as most overweight people do and thought this was a answer to my prayers, I was wrong of course. I just didn't work it the way I should have.:whoo: Started getting fills after my new port and had so much trouble with getting choked on "normal food" that I had them take all the fluid out about 6 months ago, I have to admit again that with choking on food I turned to the bad stuff that went down so easily. I finally decided to have the band out, I just feel I'm not emotionally ready to do this or it would have worked and I was still choking. My doctor didn't think it was the band and I had several tests. Come to find out they now think it's my esopagus and the food isn't going down the way it should and thats whats causing the choking. Of course this is taking forever to get test results and doctor appointments and after all this time I'm finally scheduled to have another scope down my throat to check the esopagus, had to get a specialist of course. Now after 2 months I'll get it checked on the 18th and hopefully they can find out whats going on. I was totally convinced I wanted this band gone but now that I think it's not the band but another problem I want to give it one more try. I hate to have it removed if there is a slight chance that it may start working if this problem can be fixed. So, I'm going to give it one more try and see what happens. It probably won't be for a couple of months, not even sure of that but I can't wait to see if this will really do what it's supposed to do. Linda:faint:

I'm surprised they didn't tell you what to do. I was on a liquid diet two weeks ahead of time. I had 4 bottles of BOOST HIGH PROTEIN drink a day. It's hard but it's something you need to do. You should have started already.

When we were on our cruise in August I had to leave the dinning room several times just to throw up. A couple of times I barely made it into the stall before all the fluid exploded out of my mouth. This is not fun. Linda:faint:

I've tried entering the MSN group but having problems posting. I've never used the MSN before, I'll keep trying. Thanks for the offer. Linda:)

I do this nasty little thing way too many times. Whats embarrassing is when you are talking to someone and all of a sudden liquid comes gushing out of your mouth. I was just drinking coffee!!!!:omg:

I understand totally what your feeling. I'm 5'1" and right now weigh 230 pounds at 61 years of age, at the age of 40 I weighed 250 pounds and wear a size 22-24. I've tried and failed every diet imaginable, even the severe gross liquid diets, I lost 80 pounds but got tired of it and started eating food after a year and gained it all back except for 20 pounds. I thought when I had the stints put in my heart "alright if you don't lose this weight your going to kill yourself because the heart can't handle it", well that didn't change a damn thing, when I had to have my right knee replaced due to arthritis I thought "alright, if I don't lose this weight I'll wind up having to have the other knee and or hips done" well that didn't do it either. I really don't think I can stop what I'm doing to myself. The physicians assistant at my cardiologists office wanted me to commit myself into the psych ward, that really pissed me off, I'm not crazy, just troubled and addicted. She wanted to put me in with the alcoholics, drug abuses, sex offenders etc. I saw a psychologist when I was in my 30's that told me he didn't know why my husband stayed with me because my husband had told him how disgusted he was about my weight, well my husband never met with the man. You having a doctor force a surgery on you is pure abuse in my opinion. How dare he! There are other ways to help people, I did this on my own, no one forced me into it. I think I wanted a quick fix to a lifetime problem but it doesn't work that way. I agree with a couple of others that have written in, I might work better for you to just have a total unfill and see if you can find some peace in your life, there is bound to be someone who can help, I wish you all the luck and prayers in the world. Hang in there, from what you told me about your size we're about the same and I hate the term "morbid obese" but I guess I am but I still have a happy and productive life and hope you can have the same. I'll let you know how my "shrink" visit goes on Tuesday if your interested. Should be interesting, I'm looking forward to it, just to hear what one more person thinks about all this. Hell I asked him on the phone if he did hypnotism and he said yes, maybe he'll do that for me. I stopped smoking in one session 18 years ago, never worked for the eating though. I've even asked my doctor I've seen for over 30 years if there was a pill out that they use on sugar addictions like they have one for drug users and he said sadly no. I'm so thankful to him, he's never put me down for my weight and has helped in so many things, but he just can't help me in this. Sorry to ramble on, my mind is going 100 miles a hour.

Thank you, I'm not totally there yet with loving myself for who I am but I'm going to try my best to make sure I do. It's been a long hard road and I don't know if there's a end to it or not but I pray there is. For all of us, who suffer from this internal monter called HATE! bkgrandma

From reading your response to my reply I think your a lot like me and neither one of us right now need to be dealing with this band. I thought it might be a God Send when I heard about it, I was so excited that I had finally heard of something that could help without putting my body through "major" surgery that I got right to it. I was through with all the "pre" work that had to be done and in surgery in 2 months. I just knew that this would stop me from overeating and I was naive enough to think that all the bad foods wouldn't go down good either. Not true. I can't eat 1/2 ounce of chicken but I could eat a half of a chocolate cake if I wanted to. I think that therapy "might" be able to help you if you want to give it a chance, your problems go a lot deeper than mine. I was verbablly abused by others in my childhood, teen and early adult years but never by other adults except the medical profession but my biggest heartache was from my father, I feel he was always ashamed of me buy hey, there's nothing I can do now, he's no longer living but the shame carries on forever. Do you really and truly think all of this will go away just because we are thinner, I truly doubt it. Some of us have heavier loads to carry in life than others, ours isn't as bad as some have to carry but less than some. Thats the way we were created and we have no control over what others do to us as children, it won't go away, we can't forget, we can't just put it away in the back of our brains like some can, we have to deal with it and live this beautiful life that God has given us. I know deep in my heart that I will die one day, we all do, but I'll die fat but at least I want whats left of my life to be happy and joyful and when I die "fat" I know it won't matter in eternity. I intend to spend the rest of my life with my husband of 43 years who has never once put me down, who married me when I was fat and love me more now than ever. Thats how I intend to spend the rest of my life, not being angry with myself, which I have been for 40 years, for "wasting" my life being fat, unhealthy, obese, morbid obese and letting it drain all my emotions all these years. I'm still mad at myself for wasting my life but at this minute, this day which is my 61th birthday, I'm mad at myself for spending every day, every meal, every party or social event worrying about what I put in my mouth. What a waste. Your what, in your early 30's, don't waste the next 30 years being miserable. Try to get some help, stay off the surgical table for now and see what you can do for yourself and to hell with others. Linda (bkgrandma)

I've been reading this off and on for a couple of hours and feel so sad that people are experiencing this. I too have similar problems and made up my mind on Thanksgiving (23rd) that come Monday morning I'm going back to the doctor and have him take most of this saline if not all of it out. I had a episode that was the worst yet on the 23rd, just after drink 3 sips of water with my meds. I was trying not to throw up because the meds could come back up and then I wouldn't know how much got into my system. I could have sworn I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breathe, my face turned beet red, my heart was pounding, my chest hurt, pain down my arm and my jaws were aching. When I finally threw up the water the pain finally subsided but my nervous system just went into high gear. I've sufferered from anxiety attacks for over 25 years which have been under control for a long time and they came back full force. They used to be caused by stress and fear over having a heart attack one day (related to my Dads death, too long to go into) and I thought I had finally beaten it but oh boy was I wrong. My system is still screwed up today. For months I haven't been able to eat meat, not too many vegetables, salads, so mostly nothing nutritious. I've written in before about my turning to my old friend and addiction to sweets, those at least can go down. 2 weeks ago I went to my doctor and he suggested I NOT have anything taken out of the band because it sounds to him like it's working and he wants me to see a psychriaist this coming week. I agreed to see one, I've been to several over the years without any help or success in helping me in my addiction so I figured whats one more try but after the other day I will not put myself or my nervous system through this again. I know if I lose some weight I'll probably live longer but to what degree, miserable, in pain all the time, not getting proper nutrition or fluid intake, I don't think so. I feel so bad for yo Muggle that you got so bad and desperate that you tried to take your own life, it just isn't worth it. I promised God on the 23rd that if he could help me get through that episode that I would have this band loosened and try to become the woman he created me to be. I put all my worries on him and I pray he answers. I'm going to be 61 tomorrow, I've spent more than 50 years living in this fat body, taking put downs from doctors, other professionals, family, and strangers and I'm done. I tried this since September of 2005 and I'm tired. I haven't lost any weight, I have gained over the last couple of months so what good is it if I don't work with it and evidently something is keeping me from it or something is wrong and the doctors just haven't found it yet, I had to have the port replaced once because they poked it full of holes. I have 3 stints in my heart due to heart disease and will not go through life not knowing if I'm having heart attacks or band problems. It's enough to give you a nervous breakdown, I've had one and will not have another for anyone. Nothing is worth taking your life, nothing! Your doctors wife should be put to shame, I don't know how things are done medically in your country but I'd be out finding another doctor. I hope everything goes well for you and you can make some improvements on your own, thats what I'm going to have to do, rely on myself even though I've never been able to do it on my own, I'll never give up. Take care of yourself.