chocolate_snaps

I am a very personal person. I dont tell everybody everything. I have two distinct sets of friends, my home friends and my college friends and the two rarely meet. Then there is my family, I dont tell them much of anything. This was all working out for me until people started making things up about me. I dont want to feel faulted for being secretive. I don't like my personal business discussed and then the result of that meeting of the mindless to be brought to my attention by strangers or even my ten year old cousin who thinks he knows everything. I know that you cant stop people from talking about you but it doesn't make it hurt less knowing that the things they are saying are untruthful. I had a life where anything that was different or wrong or even right about me has been used to embarrass me or hurt me. So I don't let many people in. There are some things about me that only certain people know. It has gotten to the point where the fact that I haven't had a boyfriend means that I must be gay. First thing that no one seems to understand is that while I do have issues with men, none of them is that I dont like them. Ive believed so long that men didnt like me. I have spent my WHOLE life so far believing that I was ugly, disgusting and utterly unlovable. I hid under a tough image and under tons of fat. For two years in my adolescence I actually hid from the world. When my friends were dating I was in my bedroom trying not to kill myself. There is no other way to say that, its the truth. DO I feel like I missed out? Yes. I feel cheated. I cant lie. Does part of me feel like a loser because of it? Yes. Its hard growing up thinking that no one would ever love you. So I kept my eyes down. I gained LOTS of weight. I became the best friend anyone could ever have. I got pets. I became a gift giver. I got used to the idea of being alone. I expected to be alone. I freed myself of the notion that any man could find me attractive which made it easier to be social with the opposite sex. I tried my best not to be jealous when my close friends and family got paired up. I never offered relationship advice so as not to look jealous. Far be it from me to assume that I know anything about relationships, that would be laughable, right. AND...I hated myself more than ever through it all. NOW because Im losing weight and Im starting to feel good about myself and what I am capable of I see that I was reacting to a childhood and adolescence full of rejection. However, a lot of those feelings hide in my subconscience. My real issue here is that I feel like a failure that I have never had a boyfriend. Plus now I am a laughing stock again. Everyone makes jokes either I'm a loser or I'm gay. Good times. Its so much easier to assume that I am I the closet than to except that I'm not promiscuous like one cousin or a gold digger like another. If I where gay I sure wouldn't be in any closet. But since I'm a 28 year old virgin I have to be in there behind the coats. With no religious reason for being a virgin I'm all fucked up. So many of the people who know I'm a big ole virgin have told me, "oh yeah its better that way, I wish I had waited". BTW I find that completely patronizing (so please don't offer up any of that bullshit). So what? I get to call myself a late bloomer? But while I do so I also get to be the big old joke. This my friends is why I haven't told anyone anything till now. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes a bit, I'm still learning my worth. I don't know why I'm spilling guts on here but...those are my intestines and my banded stomach Im a closeted virgin. Funny.

I am a very personal person. I dont tell everybody everything. I have two distinct sets of friends, my home friends and my college friends and the two rarely meet. Then there is my family, I dont tell them much of anything. This was all working out for me until people started making things up about me. I dont want to feel faulted for being secretive. I don't like my personal business discussed and then the result of that meeting of the mindless to be brought to my attention by strangers or even my ten year old cousin who thinks he knows everything. I know that you cant stop people from talking about you but it doesn't make it hurt less knowing that the things they are saying are untruthful. I had a life where anything that was different or wrong or even right about me has been used to embarrass me or hurt me. So I don't let many people in. There are some things about me that only certain people know. It has gotten to the point where the fact that I haven't had a boyfriend means that I must be gay. First thing that no one seems to understand is that while I do have issues with men, none of them is that I dont like them. Ive believed so long that men didnt like me. I have spent my WHOLE life so far believing that I was ugly, disgusting and utterly unlovable. I hid under a tough image and under tons of fat. For two years in my adolescence I actually hid from the world. When my friends were dating I was in my bedroom trying not to kill myself. There is no other way to say that, its the truth. DO I feel like I missed out? Yes. I feel cheated. I cant lie. Does part of me feel like a loser because of it? Yes. Its hard growing up thinking that no one would ever love you. So I kept my eyes down. I gained LOTS of weight. I became the best friend anyone could ever have. I got pets. I became a gift giver. I got used to the idea of being alone. I expected to be alone. I freed myself of the notion that any man could find me attractive which made it easier to be social with the opposite sex. I tried my best not to be jealous when my close friends and family got paired up. I never offered relationship advice so as not to look jealous. Far be it from me to assume that I know anything about relationships, that would be laughable, right. AND...I hated myself more than ever through it all. NOW because Im losing weight and Im starting to feel good about myself and what I am capable of I see that I was reacting to a childhood and adolescence full of rejection. However, a lot of those feelings hide in my subconscience. My real issue here is that I feel like a failure that I have never had a boyfriend. Plus now I am a laughing stock again. Everyone makes jokes either I'm a loser or I'm gay. Good times. Its so much easier to assume that I am I the closet than to except that I'm not promiscuous like one cousin or a gold digger like another. If I where gay I sure wouldn't be in any closet. But since I'm a 28 year old virgin I have to be in there behind the coats. With no religious reason for being a virgin I'm all fucked up. So many of the people who know I'm a big ole virgin have told me, "oh yeah its better that way, I wish I had waited". BTW I find that completely patronizing (so please don't offer up any of that bullshit). So what? I get to call myself a late bloomer? But while I do so I also get to be the big old joke. This my friends is why I haven't told anyone anything till now. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes a bit, I'm still learning my worth. I don't know why I'm spilling guts on here but...those are my intestines and my banded stomach Im a closeted virgin. Funny.

Im staying on plan today because Im finally losing and I want to keep it that way.

IGIG.com has a bunch of figure types. Im a Figure Eight.

i got it in my arm

Quinoa is a grain so it is definately a carb BUT its a complex carb. That makes all the difference to your blood sugar arc. Its also a superfood rich in loads more things than they put on labels. I personally love it. Ive never really liked rice and I find that quinoa is a great substitute. I make it with Better than Bullion, for flavor. Ive served it with veggie or turkey stir fry. Ive heard of it being served as Tabbouleh (chilled or warm). I read somewhere that if you set them in Water and let them germinate overnight you double the nutrient value.

I am staying on plan today by being present.

OMG! I am so sorry. Im praying for the absolute best outcome for you. Modern medicine and a positive outlook are together amazing healers.

Thanx everyone so much for your kind words. I knew when I wrote this that most of us go through this kind of thing but it is such a hard thing to describe. I needed to get the weirdness of it all out. Its all new territory for me and its nice to know that Im not the only one feeling this way.

Its really funny how even though my body is shrinking my mind isn't. I can really explain the headwork that is being done any better that that. I perceive my body getting smaller but my mind is struggling to wrap around the fact that I am not 344lbs anymore. For instance, I practice the power of attraction and when I am trying to visualize my ideal weight/size/appearance I see my body as I intend it to be, BUT the closer the visualization gets to my head the less I believe the picture and the more distorted it becomes. :rolleyes2: Weird. In fact, the visualization becomes cloudy when I try to get a clear picture of my face or upper body being thinner. This is weird because I am not top heavy at all, I am quite the hour glass figure. But before the weight loss I thought I was top heavy, my large breast and torso fat were hiding my curves. I have had a hard time accepting myself smaller. The big # milestones freak me out and send me into subconscious self sabotage patterns. Ive been at 273 for about 2 months partly because the 260's are frightening. It all makes me realize how attached to my big girl image I am. Talk about addicted to misery. I hated being fat, I still do but it was all I knew for just about my whole life. I was a fat kid, a fat teenager and a fat adult all the time hiding from this or that. As the shy nerdy child of checked out parents and the lonely and LIVID teenager of those same parents I ate to quiet the teasing and to confirm the feelings of not being good enough. As an adult I am still struggling with feeling like I am good enough and that I deserve to be loved and respected. Ive accepted myself at 260lbs. So now I can focus on getting there. Ive made a lot of progress this last couple of months and one of the most important realizations I have made was that I must accept myself in a smaller package before I can manifest it. Normally I would never post something this revealing and while part of me wants to backspace this whole page, I wont. I didn't intend on writing most of this but apparently it needed to get out. I'm a borne writer so I should know that sometimes writing it out helps me work it out. but thats another can of worms. Who knew it wasn't all about the food.

Its really funny how even though my body is shrinking my mind isn't. I can really explain the headwork that is being done any better that that. I perceive my body getting smaller but my mind is struggling to wrap around the fact that I am not 344lbs anymore. For instance, I practice the power of attraction and when I am trying to visualize my ideal weight/size/appearance I see my body as I intend it to be, BUT the closer the visualization gets to my head the less I believe the picture and the more distorted it becomes. :w00t: Weird. In fact, the visualization becomes cloudy when I try to get a clear picture of my face or upper body being thinner. This is weird because I am not top heavy at all, I am quite the hour glass figure. But before the weight loss I thought I was top heavy, my large breast and torso fat were hiding my curves. I have had a hard time accepting myself smaller. The big # milestones freak me out and send me into subconscious self sabotage patterns. Ive been at 273 for about 2 months partly because the 260's are frightening. It all makes me realize how attached to my big girl image I am. Talk about addicted to misery. I hated being fat, I still do but it was all I knew for just about my whole life. I was a fat kid, a fat teenager and a fat adult all the time hiding from this or that. As the shy nerdy child of checked out parents and the lonely and LIVID teenager of those same parents I ate to quiet the teasing and to confirm the feelings of not being good enough. As an adult I am still struggling with feeling like I am good enough and that I deserve to be loved and respected. Ive accepted myself at 260lbs. So now I can focus on getting there. Ive made a lot of progress this last couple of months and one of the most important realizations I have made was that I must accept myself in a smaller package before I can manifest it. Normally I would never post something this revealing and while part of me wants to backspace this whole page, I wont. I didn't intend on writing most of this but apparently it needed to get out. I'm a borne writer so I should know that sometimes writing it out helps me work it out. but thats another can of worms. Who knew it wasn't all about the food.

I am staying on plan today because I hate being fat. Bottom Line.

I would have to say the curve of my waist. I cant stop touching it.

Im staying on plan today because I NEED to. Ive been struggling in my life and my weight loss is suffering.

Do it! Glouster is right, seize the opportunity even if it'll leave you dead tired. Old eating habits are like zombies, they just dont die. In fact I have decided to load up on the part time jobs for the same goal of saving for plastics. Try it, you can always quit later.

Congrats! I love the ring pop!

I love halters and tankinis even though I have big boobs and cottage cheese thighs. I bought a nice halter tankini from Macy's about 2 years ago. It has a really fun blue and white pattern with a short black skirted bottom. As a cover up I usually wear this white terry polo dress I bought at Target or my hot pink silk sari. KikiVal315 that is just my speed, in pink.! It is sexy but I can still dive in and jump off of the pool floor with it on without fear the girls will pop out. It must be said that I refuse to wear black bathing suit. My favorite bathing suit was a cherry red halter 1 piece (no skirt). I know most people would disagree with me on no black suits but heres the logic: I figured a long time ago that I was 346lbs at the beach/pool and no black suit is gonna make me look 146lbs. So I said screw it and now I wear color and lots of it, no florals though(Im afraid of looking like a walking jungle). I am, as we speak, trying to talk myself out of buying a retro white malliot swimsuit. I live in NYC and I go to the beach and pool with hundreds of thousands of other people (literally). I lost my modesty , insofar as swim wear, long ago.

Chickie your TT results are great. Your before looks just like mine! One of my biggest fears about getting tucked was that I would lose my hour glass figure. You have put my fears aside. Thanks!

Im staying on plan tomorrow because I NEED to get it together.

I posted this on the wrong challenge thread...anywho here it is: I know i am a bit late with this BUT...I am going to commit to 20 hrs of exercise this month. I only got to the gym once this week, I did 45 minutes on the elliptical. On Wednesday I went for a 2 mile walk, about a 1 hour in total including. I saw the actor Lawrence Fishburne during that walk. . I but I made up for no gym with 7 hours of shopping, most of which was spent chasing my 2 year old cousin around the stores. Subtracting travel time and lunch it was about 5 hours of walking and toddler wrangling. So...I am calculating 7 hours this past week. PLUS 1 hour today. 15mins w/trainer, 20mins on the elliptical, 25mins FitV aerobics show. Thats 8hrs. __________________

I havent. You should ask your doctor.

Thanks so much Georgia Girl.

Hey ladies. I haven't been doing to well either. I found out 2 things: that I am severely deficient in D, B1, B6, B12, and Iron. Pretty much my body was malnourished and freaking out. I was pale, weak, having weird pains, severe fatigue, brittle hair and dry, dry ,dry skin. I'm now taking so many pills its crazy, but I do feel better. And that my home scale is 3.5lbs off. So I actually weight almost 4lbs more than I thought. But I I round down:tongue:. To be honest this all threw me for a loop. So much so, I ate my way through my recovery week. BUT, Last week I returned to my exercise and better eating. I did so well I lost 10lbs! 6 of which, I gained in a week! I guess I needed those Vitamins. I'm starting to think these deficiencies were what was slowing my weight loss. Sorry for the long story Anywho....I am adjusting my stats for my actual weight. All in all I am down 4lbs! Start Goal Current Lost Still To Lose Chocolate_Snaps.......277.........263.......273.........4..........10

Im In! I really need to get back into the groove of daily exercise.

Im in! I tried this sometime ago but got sidetracked by illness. I will start tomorrow, shooting for Tues, Thurs, and Sat.