vanishingvixen

I really needed this encouragement today. It's been a frustrating road for me thus far (4 wks post-op), but I know that it will pay off. Thank you.

So excited for you!! I'll be on the losers bench with you soon!!

I know you ladies are right. And I wish so many of my concerns weren't vanity-driven. But, as someone who never had a problem being a "big girl" until it started to get physically uncomfortable - I almost feel like I'm not gonna know this new person. IDK if that makes much sense, but in my own twisted head...

I'll be real - I love the fullness of my breasts and the curves of my hips...Granted - at my smallest, maybe a size 12/14 in 11th grade, I still was all boobs & hips...so it's quite fathomable that ill still have my lovely lady lumps...BUT, I know that no matter how hard I work out - without the help of a body lift, booble lift & such...the skin/sagging will take over. I'm trying to make my peace with that. It's a process...but thankful to have found a forum where other folks are on the journey & understand!

Thank you all!! You can also find me on Facebook!!

(under my gov't name:Gina Brotherton or GGX Jewels *lol*) Just make sure to tell me who you are when you send the request - im notorious for igg'ing requests of folks I don't know

and it shall be soul-sister. You rock. Keep your eye on the prize...

Howdy good people,

I know you may think I’ve fallen wayyyy off the wagon b/c I’ve been so quiet… But *tahdah* – I’m sitting tall & strong.

The reason for the online version of the food journal being M.I.A. For the last couple of weeks is because of time – work has been hella crazy (which is when I do 90% of my blogging *lol*) and home has been even crazier.

I also decided last weekend that this week was going to be one of food leisure. Not over indulgence, mind you, but eating what I wanted within reason since $h!t gets really real next week: the official Dr. Monitored weightloss program, nutritional counseling & and physical training begins on 4/6 , as well as some of the testing I have to go thru (sleep study is Monday). Which means I have to be on my A-game.

The good part? Its gonna be easy. I realized last week, that without a doubt – my relationship with food HAS changed. I’m aware of everything I put in my mouth, almost every bit nutritional data about said food, and I’m forcing myself to think about how “worth” something is to me before I put it in my mouth. Some things are soooooo worth it – like the choco cupcake from curbside cupcakes the other day. And other’s aren’t (like the 2nd vanilla cupcake I purchased at the same time, but decided to give it to a coworker instead of eat it myself ) I’m aware of how much juice I drink – which is very little these days. And any soda is diet. I opt for fruit as dessert most times, and love the fact that I have more energy as of late. Even for Easter dinner - I noticed how much smaller my portions were, and how little I ate compared to say, Christmas. and only one tiny sliver of my g'mas lemon cake? Yeah, I'm making progress!

I’m pretty friggen proud of myself. I’m down maybe 2more lbs over the past week, so I’m doing something right. People are even beginning to notice. *grin* Best part is, I’m not denying myself…and I’m not starving. I’m just thinking about how my (food choices) affect the bottom line – to truly become the VANISHING vixen. Geeyonce is slowly revealing herself… *uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh*

Sometimes I wonder what miscellaneous people see when they look at me. Are they disgusted by my appearence as much as I am lately?

Like, admittedly, when I see someone fat (my size on upwards of 4 or 500lbs): I wonder if there sturggles w/food have been like mine, I wonder how they feel about themselves, and wonder if they are as uncomfortable as I have been (physically, in terms of knee/hip/foot pain, exhaustion, etc) But most of all, I wonder if they have ever reached the end of their rope w/their weight/health or if they are content with being that way. I ask, b/c I know that some folks enjoy being overweight (ie: the lady recenty who aiming at trying to be 1200 lbs or something so assinine)

I’m not judging. And this is not intended to sound/read as such – I’m just curious about peoples lives…and if, like me, they too are just as fed up with being (so) fat & out of shape…but don’t know what to do about it. I know people probably look at me on the Metro when I’m about to take a seat next to them thinking “noooooooo, I don’t want that fat broad squeezing me into the seat!!”. I’m very aware of peoples reactions…and it hurts. I just wonder if it affects anyone like it has affected me. And further – at what point do you decide to do something about your health??

Being fat I could care lass about. IF I could be fat (morbidly obese is a less pretty term for the truth) AND healthy at this size…ok. But I think it’s physically impossible to be over a certain weight and not have any health issues (present & future) associated with it. Some folks are just riding down the river called denial. I know for me I wasn’t particularly in denial – its just that everything I tried never lasted long term, and I grew sick of feeling like crap about myself – especially over the past year. I don’t want to become one of those folks that acts (seems to act) like I’m so much more enlightened because I’ve decided to do something about my health – because that’s ALL this is about for me. But I wonder if people really know where they stand in terms of mortality.

I’ll put it this way – there is NO food good enough, no alcoholic beverage tasty enough…for me to remain in my current state. I need help trying to shave some years off the death sentance I’ve given myself over the past 2 decades, and pray that the Insurance “Mayor” makes the LAP-BAND® surgery an easy pardon. I’m at my wits end. Add to it married life, motherhood, 9-5 job, jewelry biz…I’m damn near ready to throw myself (and a few other select ppl) off the Woodrow Wilson bridge. But its only a matter of time. Change come soon – I bring it!

P.s. Need a unique and custom-made mother's day gift? I can help! http://ggxjewels.com/Parents_Pride_ZET1.php

I'm speechless at the moment and will revist for further commentary...you are SO powerful in thought & words, you have NO idea...

my prayers are with you & your family. It's not an easy thing...but necessary. *lifting you up in love & spirit*

Jade...you just laid it down, sistah. POWER to the bad@$$ beeyatches on a mission! *pumpin my fist*

I swear you are a kindred spirit. *smh* you're so awesome. If you were a dude, I'd leave my husband for you *lol*

I'm focused, man. SO SERIOUS. and i am taking control of my life. You are right about the weight of "protection". but FUGG THAT! Excuse my language...life is short, and i need to get and STAY inthat righteous place. Eating is a very emotional thing for me...so learnig to break that cycle has been a doozy..BUT, im getting there.

And the other thing you are right about - the food chain & how it's KILLING us. makes NO sense that processed food - that stuff that has to go thru a million processes and chemicals and additives, is so much CHEAPER than something you can but right at the farmer's market...FRESH from the earth/trees/nature. *smh*

Stop getting me all riled up, woman!

you're a riot! welcome to my crazy existance! *lol*

*editor's note* this is from my main blog...some of this doesn't apply to this forum*

This will be another quickie – as this week getting back in the swing of things has been rather hectic. I promise to get back on my blogging game next week.

Well, looks like my “start date” (the hoop-jumping 3months I have to go thru for insurance, dr. Monitored weightloss, etc) will be pushed back 1 month. Instead of April, ill start in May – after Mother’s Day/the big GGX event in NYC. Mainly a money issue – I have a few things looming and lots of prep for the 3 vendor events I have in the next 6 wks, and I need to be able to focus all of my time & attention on that…for now.

BUT, if I can figure out a way to do it in April…I will. I’m just very ready to get the show on the road!! I under-estimated how much time and energy go into an actual event. And after the 2day expo this past weekend, I figure I really need to grind the next few weeks. Still praying for a way to get it all done according to schedule…but we’ll see.

Now – I have a rant. This is directed at the folks that have never struggled with weight in their life. I pose this question: Why do some people thinks its so easy to lose weight on your own? Be eat over eating/food addictions/emotional eating/etc or lack of exercise/motivation/lethargy/complacency… Do you think I’d be subjecting myself to a surgical process, hospital bills, etc…if it were “THAT easy”? Even in my most successful weightloss of 20+ lbs (attributed to pills that are no longer on the market), that was it. The 100+ I need to lose is not a matter of it being “THAT easy” if I just put my mind to it – as if I haven’t (put my mind/energy to it) done that already. Weight is a hard, hardddd thing to lose. ESPECIALLY once you have had a child. Why do you think so many people use Trim Spa, Quick Trim, cleanses, etc…hoping for some quick assistance (even the small ppl like Kim ‘Dash)?

Not to take ANYthing away from those who ARE, in fact doing it the “natural way” like my girl Benee -because she is one of the most dedicated folks I've seen. Here attitude, her drive, and the results are phenomenal. But as she's chimed in before - not everyone can do it that way. If we could, there wouldn't be such staggering rates of obesity. Not everyone is able - and for real? Eating healthy is EXPENSIVE. *sheesh* Just curious as to why MY decision to do what *I* need to do…rub so many people (in general) the wrong way? Even other overweight/obese people who are hell-bent on doing it their way…but have been unsuccessful for years. At what point do you decide that something isn't quite working for you? Some folks have been battling the buldge for 10, 15, 20 years like myself. At what point do you consider another alternative - especially when your health & life are at risk?

Let's just keep it real as we look at the chart...(after calculating our BMI's. Mine is 52. Which means I'm HALF fat. *smdh*) http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/bminojs.htm

Height

How many truly obese people can 50+ pounds on their own, with no assistance? *shrug* Maybe it's just me...

If I trust God to protect me, that includes surgery. I can’t lose any sleep over the “potential complications” with out acknowledging the “potential gain” (which in this case, is weight “loss”). Its all worth it for me…a year from now, I will be A LOT healthier than I am today. Guarenteed. Not sure how many other folks can say that, but I'm glad *I* can...

*thats my rant and I’m sticking to it*

I know it's been a minute since my last post. LAst week was a doozy for me. I had to prep for my first jewelry event. It was a SMASH, BTW! Added some cheese to my nest egg

I've fallen off on the food journal over the last week (online), but have been writing it down in a notebook. i'm still on track. Pretty proud, too. Down 2 more lbs!

I'll be back in regular posting mode this week.

take a moment to check out the other part of my life here:

Seems like my post-revolt body didn't take too kindly to the Nemo Patty I had for dinner last night. Dude, my system had NO problem trying to evict that joint & all its baggage. *whew* Then, today, with my "healthy" lunch (rice w/veggies & chix, yummy waldorf salad, cherry pepsi zero), I wanted a handful of my "favorite" UTZ Smokin Sweet potato chips. 5 chips in, I realized that wasn't a good idea. *bubble guts* I guess that's a good thing. My body is reminding me to stay focused, even when my cravings are saying "Might I have another, please?" *in my best Madonna/british accent* Interesting how that works, huh? Now, if I could just find a pair of full body swimming SPANX (complete w/a pair of Tina Turner legs - because even "reduced fat" cottage cheese is still too much for some to digest)... A fatgirl can dream, can't she??

// Preface: I’m sitting in McDonald’s THOROGHLY enjoying the Filet-o-fish I’ve been craving. :glare: Not guilty, not ashamed. Twas my reward for losing 5lbs since 3/1/10. Now, the loss coulda been attributed to the little revolt my body staged over the past 3 days, but I was determined to get me that tasty brick-o-minced Nemo. I know – I have a long way to go, but little “rewards” like this, make it easy to keep going. All I have to do is keep doing what I’ve done the past 2 wks – make better, healthier daily choices, ramp up the physical activity, and keep my eyes on the prize. All the while still allowing treats for mini-victories along the way. Carpe Diem & Viva la Fishie! :)//

Now, today was my surgical consult. Long story short, it marked the official start of part 1 of my journey (pre-approval) . On 3/29, I have my Pulmonary Consult, 4/5 my sleep study, 4/6 starts the 1st of the 3-month multi-disciplinary weight-loss program required by my insurance company.

It’s amazing how fairly quickly this is all coming together. There is still a lot of work to be done (on my end, in terms of eating habits, exercising, etc), but knowing is half the battle. And if all goes according to plan, I’m looking at a surgery date somewhere around mid-late August. *woot*

I will say, the surgeon suggested that "gastric bypass would probably be the better option" for me since ideally *he* would like to see me lose 125-130#. I get it. BUT, he said that I need to make the decision I feel is best for me…and that is what I’m doing. So lap band, it is. I was told to expect the weightloss of about 80-100lbs over the next 12-18mnths, and that (plus any additional is still up to me and my “new healthier lifestyle”) I CAN gain all the weight back if I don’t stay on the path *duly noted*

I can’t begin to say how excited I am. How nervous. How elated. How scared. How…EVERYTHING I am. I just know that whatever happens…there is no turning back Not now. Not ever…:smile2:

Besides, Geeyonce waits for no one. The rebirth is upon us. Followed by The unveiling, coming to a blog near you: May 2011. *giggety giggety*

P.s. After eliminating white sugar from my diet for 2 wks, the McD’s sweet tea was too much for my tastebuds *blech* NEVER thought I’d see the day I could/would give that up. Only 5 swigs, and I was d.un. Ill take unsweetend w/splenda from here on out… Pls &thk u!

not BFE?! *LMAO* Bum F%^k Egypt, indeed!

Glad you're back! You have such a way with words that just makes me giggle with delight. Such a riot, you are...

I think im gonna try a yoga class or two (wil try it first onthe exercise channel) Also, not sure if you have it where you're located, but Bellydaning is an AWESOME exercise (be careful tho - hat's how I got knocked-up...seriously). When the weather is fully broken here, i'll be back at that 2x a week, plus yoga or zumba/samba. *giggety giggety*

P.S. check ur msgs

BTW - I have my consult on Monday. I'm sure gonna ask if this could be a normal way for my body to detox itself after years of eating CRAP...to all of a sudden start eating well...

It has been a very rough 3 days. IDK if it's food poisoning...have only been eating food i prepared myself (except the microwavable - which i always overcook, just in case)

Could be stress...not sure. but seriously, it feels like a revolt. I know I better have lost some weight after all this body-drama! Pepto, immodium, tylenol, motrin, nothin put a stop to the terror *shivering in fear*

I've been drinking water, and gatoradeG2...have had zero energy...and my eating has sucked - simply b/c im not hungry, and couldnt/cant keep anything down/in anyway.

I'm about to try some noodle soup and a light sammy. We'll see...

Thanks for checking in...

SERIOUSLY. *ugh*

Yesterday, I was overcome by some type of "bug" out of the blue. Vomitting, hershey squirts, intense abdominal pain, fever...all seemingly out of nowhere, in the middle of the day. I didn't eat anything strange...and it seems to have passed.

My husband mentioned that it "could" possibly be the recent changes in my eating. Has this happened to anyone? I

haven't "officially" started my physician approved diet because my surgical consult isn't until Monday...but I HAVE drastically changed my eating habits, and will continue for the duration (3-4 small healthy meals/day, water, increase in fruit & veggies, etc)

Has this happened to anyone???

I'm glad I'm not the only person feeling this way. I don't know what to make of it really...so i'll just ride the emotional rollercoaster until it stops!

my journey just started... but for me, my side hustle (making jewelry) works. You couls always start gaming online, or blogging (general forum). that allhelps me... I still have about 6 months to go!

YES, Yes, and YES!!! I get that all the time. and piggy-backing off of the above comment...i get ALOT of commentary about wanting to be "Skinny". :|

I've never been, nor do i desire to be skinny... just HEALTHY.

I think you just gave me an idea. Cuz I'm sure enough in the 300# range. Next person that says that, is giving me a free ride on their back. *lol*

Vanishing Vixen.

Vanishing…

An interesting choice of adjectives for my new serial blogger moniker... as pointed out to me yesterday. I was asked if I would be “disappearing” my personality as well as my weight. :wub: *straightface* And was told (by someone that has known me for almost 20yrs) that I seem to be letting this journey get the best of me already...as if I plan to "vanish" into nothingness, or become a shrinking violet (AS IF!)*because* I'm so used to being a Big, Bold, Bodacious (sometimes brash, and VERY bossy *lol*) woman. Maybe the adjectives (all but the "big") that alot folk -self included- seem to think of me as… will indeed vanish when the weight starts coming off.

*really ruminating & marinating on the implications*

I mean, how much of my personality has been tied to my size? And has it been that way to mask insecurity, or just an extra measure of attention whorism? I have a hard time believing either of the two, really. While I do like to be complimented when I go the extra mile to be fully fabulous (most of the time – yesterday, I looked like “Who slew Auntie Rue?” ‘s GRANDMOTHER *ugh*) , or my face beat like I'm a MAC Make-up artist, or I'm rocking some of my hottest GGX Jewels...what woman wouldn't want to be appreciated for her appearance? In fact, its also been pointed out that I have a hard time taking a compliment, and by NO means wish to be the center of attention when in a crowd or otherwise (unless we are talking about with my man, in the boudoir *smirk* :tt2:) Go figure. But... $h!t, I am who the hell I am. I AM cute. I AM sexy. I AM fabulous...I just haven't been feeling it as much lately. *shrug*

It’s really made me think about this mental/emotional space I'm in. Does my larger-than-life, feisty personality seem to be shrinking (or vanishing, so to speak) much like I want my body to do? It’s been said that I seem to have been extremely hard on myself lately (more particularly, the last 6-9 mnths) in terms of my confidence, etc.

Why is that?

The fat ugly truth is a number of varied & sundry things. Alot not even having anything to do with my weight/size, so much as it has to do with other areas of my life. Some of which are totally unrelated, but are stressors none-the-less.

I'm a wife (to man that works nights), still a relatively new "MeMe" (as she calls me) to a rambunxious lil 22mnt old squirt, I have a fairly stressful 9-5 career, on top of a jewelry biz that requires a lot of my time if I'm ever to make a go of it (why? Because *I* personally make everything myself. I’m not pushing other ppl’s wares, here). And a lot of times I feel ill-equipped to handle any of it - let alone all of it at once. *wooosahhhhh* So yeah, all of the combined stress (add to it this suck-@$$ economy) has a way of knockin a sistah off her game - in more ways than one. :thumbup: So what on the surface may seem like one thing, is a culmination of others. And of course…I know. Things could ALWAYS be worse, so I AM grateful for my many blessings. There have just been a few "ah ha!" moments over the past year in particular, that made me realize that I am sooooo far from where I want (or planned) to be in my life at 35. Weight/health included. It be’s that way sometime. *shrug, again*

IDK...

Is it even really that serious? *lol*:tt2:

I'm hormonal this week. That may account for some of the bloggarhea today. Sometimes I just can't get out of my own head. But that doesn't make me crazy...it makes me human. And blogging it...helps me *relax.relate.release* it all.

I'm not scared of what people will think of me for showing who I truly am. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, confident, insecure, wealthy, poor, encouraged, defeated. It is what it is...and I am who I am. And what I've realized more than anything in my 5 or so years of bloggerdom, is that the folks who generally "seem" to have their $h!t together...don't. *lol* and sometimes are even more screwed up inside/in their life than me, or than they may ever let on to the world. The playing field is even, if you ask me.:thumbup: But nobody did [ask]... Oh well!

I’m keeping on…keeping on…

RUNTELLDAT!!!!

Awesome blog. Much needed inspiration!