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Hello fellow weight loss friends! I have decided to capture a little bit about what I have been through, and my progress through through the sleeve process. I also thought it might be helpful for those of you transitioning between band and sleeve to have some info about what feels the same and what feels different. I am also, selfishly, wanting to capture some of the feelings and emotions I have had around the success and subsequent failure of my band while it is so fresh in my head. This is not meant as a complain session, but a reminder of all the reasons I NEVER want to weigh 360 pounds ever again! In April 2009, I had a successful Lap Band surgery, and was able to lose 120 pounds over the course of two years. I was so incredibly happy with the results, and often said it was the best decision I have ever made. To this day, despite the complication that came up for me, I am still not at all sorry I had surgery. I knew I wanted to have another baby, and the idea that I could adjust the band if I did get pregnant was very appealing. At the time, the notion that the band could be removed was also enticing, though it has become clear it was a tool that I really needed to be successful. In 2012, I did get pregnant again, and unlike my first pregnancy, everything was incredibly smooth. I had started kickboxing in 2010 and was able to keep that up through almost all of my gestation. At the end, I was just too big and my balance was off, so it wan't safe to try and be quite so intense in my exercise. The gestational diabetes that I dealt with during my first pregnancy did NOT return, my blood pressure was normal throughout, and I gained very little weight. It was amazing. I have birth to a big, healthy baby boy in Feb. 2013. Things took a dramatic turn for me in November 2013, however. I contracted a terrible stomach bug and threw up violently. Of course, I had the anti-nausea pills, and tried to take them, but just kept throwing them right back up over and over again. Unfortunately, I ended up with a perforated stomach and contracted severe peritonitis (as my stomach contents leaked into my peritoneal cavity.) Without going into great detail, I will just say that I was very sick and feel grateful to still be here today. I spent 6 nights in the hospital recovering and had to have the lap band removed at that time. It was the beginning of an unfortunate spiral for me. I tried very hard to continue to eat the same way without the band that I had been eating with it for the past five years. As my voracious hunger returned, that became harder and harder to do, and as each month slipped by, weight was returning. I had gone back to kickboxing, but had to quit again because of the surgery. I fell into a pretty deep depression about the whole situation and knew early on that I wanted to consider getting the sleeve surgery ASAP. All of the reasons I needed the Lap Band as a tool were still in me, and I knew having another Lap Band installed would be a foolish choice. My surgeon agreed, and approved me for sleeve surgery in April 2014. Then, my insurance denied the surgery. I was totally devastated. That was when the weight really started piling on. I felt to totally defeated. I know my behavior was just stupid and fueled by self-pity, but nevertheless, I ended up just shy of my original weight prior to lap band surgery. I appealed the decision, and ultimately won! (If anyone would like to see the letter to use as a template for your own appeal, I would be happy to share - just let me know). So, fast forward to yesterday at 5:00 a.m. I arrived at the hospital so excited to get my life back! I was nervous too, of course, but I am happy to report that despite some significant scar tissue and damage from the band, my Dr. was very happy with how the procedure went. I write this at the beginning of day two, and so far, I am feeling great. I have been up and walking several times yesterday and today. I will start liquids this morning and will likely get off the IV fluids shortly. I will spend one more night here at the hospital, and then will get to go home. I plan to take a week off of work and return a week from tomorrow. I know that is a little on the short side, but fortunately my job is not physically demanding, so I think I will be ok. My pain is totally manageable, I have had a little bit of nausea off and on, but the Dr. gave me some medicine that helped a great deal with that. No throwing up, which is good! My back is a little sore from spending so much time in bed, but really, I feel fantastic overall! I really do want to take a minute to capture all of the things that had resolved for me when I had lost the 120 pounds that came creeping back as I got heavy again. I never was skinny, but compared to 370 lbs., 244 felt like a dream! I wasn't sleeping well at night - I am sure my sleep apnea returned and I never woke up feeling rested. This resulted in tremendous fatigue that would last all the time, day in and day out. I was so uncomfortably hot all the time. Going to the grocery store was such a big ordeal. I would get so embarrassed about how sweaty I would get by the time I reached the check out line. My lower back hurt ALL THE TIME and my poor feet would just ache if I had to stand or walk for any longer than 10 to 15 minutes at a time. Getting up off the floor when I was playing with my children practically took 20 minutes. I had to be so very careful or my knees would suffer for days. The same was true for getting up the stairs. If I didn't take one step at a time, my left knee would give out, and I would be in tremendous pain. I have had headaches, it seems, everyday. Although I don't know this for sure, I suspect my type 2 diabetes has returned. I will know when I get my pre-op blood work back. When I try to walk, my hips hurt so bad. I can't cross my legs anymore and self-care has become really awkward. ALL of these things had become a normal part of my life prior to the Lap Band surgery 5 years ago. Gaining the weight back so quickly really made these issues feel especially awful - they were NOT normal to me anymore and as each new symptom came up, my depression worsened. I turned to the drug I knew and loved - food - to make myself feel better. I am committed to using the sleeve as a tool in the same way I used the Lap Band. My hunger will be under control, which is an enormous key to success for me. I also said that the band was like a leash for my portions - I just could not eat very much, and that was ideal! I know that the sleeve will give me that same boundary. However, I think it is critical to say, neither the band nor the sleeve are an "easy way out." Quite the opposite. Nothing about starting over here is going to be easy. I have to make the decision every time I put food in my mouth - is this a good choice? Have I had enough Protein today? What SHOULD I be eating? Without strict adherence to my diet, I know I won't really be successful. However, after having such good luck with the band, I am truly confident I can have equally good and maybe even better results with my sleeve. I will try to keep a record of my progress and hope to be able to compare what I experience with the sleeve to what things were like with the band. So far, recovery as felt very similar. I guess I am more confident this time because some of this isn't completely "new." I always had some port pain, from the very beginning, with the Lap Band, and I have to say, I don't really have any pain at all right now. So I guess that means one mark in the win column for sleeve. Thanks for reading this, thanks for the support, and good luck to all of us on this journey. You are brave and amazing. I really do think it takes a great deal of courage to envision a different life for yourself, and even more courage to take the steps to make it happen. We can do this!!!!!!!

tegz - I had a band for five years. Lost over 100 lbs, had a healthy successful pregnancy, and generally loved the boundary the band provided for me. Last November, I caught a terrible stomach bug and was violently sick. I couldn't keep down the anti-nausea meds my Dr. had prescribed, and by the time I made it to the hospital, I had a tear in my stomach. I had to have the band removed and spent a week in the hospital. Fast forward nine months, I gained back over 60 lbs. I was so sad, which fueled my poor eating habits. Without the band as a tool to keep me in check, I obviously reverted right back to bad habits (I'm embarrassed to admit....) Three weeks ago, I had sleeve surgery. I am so excited about this opportunity to start fresh. The surgery went well, my recovery was easy - back to work after a week off, and very little pain. The port pain I had with the band was worse than my post-sleeve surgery pain. I have "graduated" to the soft food stage, and am so happy to be able to feel full and satisfied with such small portions. I feel as though I have ALL the benefits of the band without any of the crazy issues (port pain, reflux, getting stick, pb-ing). I always said that the band was the best decision I ever made and I was so pleased with my results - until I got so sick. Now, I wish I had gone with the sleeve in the first place. However, like you, it was not presented as an option for me 5 years ago. Either way, I am thrilled. Already down 25 lbs! If you have the means, I would HIGHLY encourage you to consider revision to sleeve.

Thank you, friends! I feel much better today. I am not sure what was going on yesterday, but your words of encouragement really did help. I am starting to feel excited rather than nervous. We can do this - I just have to try and not be in such a big hurry about it and let myself heal a little bit. I was better about drinking throughout the day, and made sure to drink my yucky Protein drinks three times. I'm sure that helped put me in a better frame of mind. Again, thank you for the kind words of encouragement. You guys are awesome!

So I am a former lap-bander who just revised to sleeve three days ago. I had great luck with the band (lost 120 lbs.) then had a perforation, removal and then gained almost everything back. Had the sleeve surgery on Friday. I just had this overwhelming sadness come over me in the last hour. I can't believe I am starting all over again. I am worried I won't have as much success this second time around. Anyone out there who had a band and then sleeve who can give me some good advice. I know these first few weeks after surgery are the hardest, and I know my energy and mood will regulate with time, but I am feeling so lonely and sad tonight, thought I should reach out for some reassurance.

Thank you all so much for commenting. It's just nice to know I'm not losing my mind. I really do appreciate it. I am sure I will feel better in the morning. I love the analogy about being free - this is such a beautiful image! We are all working on becoming free. I love that!

Hazelsbliss, thanks so much for the advice. I think that makes a great deal of sense. It's funny, I am doing much better today, keeping liquids down without issue, but I am scared to try anything solid. I will definitely call the Dr. Monday morning and suggest a slight unfill. If I don't have restriction after that, I can always add some back, right? Thanks again for the reply and encouragement. It means a great deal to me!

Hazelsbliss, thanks so much for the advice. I think that makes a great deal of sense. It's funny, I am doing much better today, keeping liquids down without issue, but I am scared to try anything solid. I will definitely call the Dr. Monday morning and suggest a slight unfill. If I don't have restriction after that, I can always add some back, right? Thanks again for the reply and encouragement. It means a great deal to me!

Hello all! It has been a very long time since I have been on this site. Glad to be back. A little backstory for you: I was banded in April 2009 when my first daughter was just over one year old. I weighed in at 368 lbs. My pregnancy was frought with complications, including gestational diabetes and her birth six weeks premature. She is now a thriving, happy kindergarten student, and one would never know how difficult her first few weeks of life were. Fast forward to June 2012, found out I was pregnant with baby #2. At that time, I had lost approx. 120 lbs. (If you're doing the math, I was about 250 lbs.) My pregnancy was so incredibly smooth. I did not get any Fluid removed throughout the pregnancy, managed to keep up with my kickboxing class until about a month before delivery, and DID NOT have gestational diabetes this time! Gave birth to a healthy 9 pound baby boy in February, 2013. So here I am now, 274 lbs. (up almost 30 from pre-pregnancy). I had been having almost no restriction whatsoever, extremely hungry most of the time, and eating too much. I went in to see my Dr. on Thursday for a fill and check-in. It had been almost 2 years since I had been in because things were going very well. For the first time in four years, I think I might be a little bit over filled. I have been having night coughs ever since Thursday, no reflux, but did pb on broth earlier today. Has me a little worried. I plan to call the Dr. on Monday, but just curious to hear the opinion of my friends in BandLand. Should I wait and see if this gets better after a week or so, or is that just asking for trouble? I really do want to get back to my sweet spot, but I think we may have overshot it a little bit. Thanks for listening! Hope all my pregnant lapband friends out there have as much luck with their pregnancy as I did. I love my band! Alissa

Thanks so much for the feedback, Mis73! Do you think I can make it until Monday? I am keeping a little bit of liquids down, but I certainly can't do this for very long... I just don't want to have to pay for an emergency visit, but I will if I have to.

I'm not very good about this Blogging thing. It was so interesting to read over my thoughts as I was getting ready for surgery. I'm afraid I am skipping over quite a bit here, but I would like to post an update for anyone out there that may be interested. So far, I have lost 106 pounds. I would like to lose 50-60 more, but I know I can do it. It is just going to take time, and one of the most important lessons I have learned about this journey is that time is going to pass anyway. I can be heavier or I can be lighter, but time is ticking by, regardless. I have managed to move out of the "morbidly obese" category and into "mildly obese." As I have mentioned before, I am not a fan of that word, but I think it is important for me to face it, and the medical implications that it carries. I do have a long way to go, but it is really exciting to think about how far I have come. My legs, knees and ankles don't hurt anymore. I can climb up the stairs without getting out of breath. When playing on the floor with my little girl, I can practically jump to my feet, rather than the 5 minute grunt-fest I used to endure. We walk, we hike, we swim, we ride bikes. And I actually ENJOY these things! It isn't painful anymore, it is actually fun. I do not have a single regret about having this surgery. It took four fills for me to reach the level of restriction that I currently have. I am not able to eat bread, and I sometimes have trouble with rice, and tortillas are out of the question. However, I really don't miss them. I have not felt deprived. Although, this may not be the same advice you will get from your doctor, I never really looked at this as a diet. I eat pretty much what I want, but I only eat a tiny little bit of it. I am sure that this approach has slowed my progress on occasion, but, I am really ok with that. I feel so confident that I can live this life, and know that I am still moving in the right direction (1-2 lbs. lost a week.) I have had all the requisite blood work done, and I am getting all of my essential nutrients. I can't just eat boiled chicken and mushy green beans. If I am SLOW, and really CHEW my food like crazy, I can eat what I want. I can live with that. Two more things I want to share. I can cross my legs - with ease!! It is the coolest thing. It makes me feel so slim. Also, I am sleeping through the night. No more sleep apnea. I did not realize how ridiculously tired I was, ALL THE TIME, because I was getting such poor sleep. I don't struggle to keep my eyes open while I am driving to work. I don't wake up with headaches. It is incredible. This new found energy is probably the best side effect of all. I will try to be better about posting. I have some other musings that I have never posted, but are saved on my computer. I would like to get them up here as well. If you are reading this and are still wondering if LAP-BAND® is the right choice, I would be happy to talk to you! For me, it was the best decision I have ever made. Even though it is not fast, and it certainly is not easy, it is amazing. Good luck on your journey! Alissa:thumbup:

Hello LapBand friends! I am wondering if I am the only one that finds there are days that I can eat and eat and eat. I am very happy with the progress I am making, and most days seem to go just as the Dr. told me they should - eat a few bites, feel full, don't get hungry. Then there are days like today...very hungry, eat a few bites (as I normally would) but don't feel any restriction. What is the deal? Am I losing my mind? If this follows its usual pattern, I know that tomorrow will likely go back to "normal" but every once and a while (about once a month), look out! Hungry hippo! Does this happen to anyone else?

Happy2lose - you are brilliant! I think that is exactly what is going on. I had never done the math, but this always happens to me right before my period. It has been happening each month. It only lasts for a few days, but those days are decidedly "different" band days than the rest of the month. Thanks so much, now I don't feel so strange about the whole thing.

I love it when I come to this site and find out I'm not the only one!!! It is a relief to hear that this "first bite" business may go away eventually. I am so happy with the band and what it has done for me! When I am out to eat with people, though, it can be a little awkward sometimes. Just like I read above, by the time I can start eating, everyone else is done!

Yes, yes, yes, a million times, yes! Best decision I ever made!

I totally agree with Mimi - don't act defensive, just state the facts: 1.) You have a lap-band and can't take pills for pain 2.) It was your Rx to use for pain as needed. I agree with Donna too, if you had a drug abuse problem, that bottle of pain killer would have been polished off a long time ago! I will keep my fingers crossed for you, and please keep us posted!

Hello all! I was banded on April 8, 2009 and had my third fill about two weeks ago. I am happy to report that I finally feel restriction! I thought it was strange that I went from not really feeling any restriction at all, to ABSOLUTELY feeling it. I am not sure how much the Dr. added during my last fill, but he said he was going to only add a little bit. Is that dramatic change normal? So now I can really only eat a very few bites (maybe 5 max), and I have to be very careful about chewing carefully and going very slowly. I am worried that I may be overfilled. I am really starting to lose weight quickly (nearly 8 pounds a week) and I am thrilled about that, but is that too quick? I am keeping liquids down, but I am having pain right below my breast (sorry if that is vulgar) where I believe my port is at. It really hurts if I take a deep breath. Would being overfilled cause this? I can't think of anything that I could have done to pull on the port, but I suppose that is a possibility. I am a little worried about the pain though. Any thoughts for a paranoid lap-bander? Thanks!:biggrin:

Okay - I talked to my Dr. and he said it was probably just that I had pulled the muscle where the port is sewn in. He wanted me to wait and see what happens since I am not having any symptoms of being over-filled (no vomiting, keeping everything down, no reflux, etc.) So I was starting to feel a little better yesterday, but today I am in horrible pain again! Right by my incision site is very sore to the touch, and if I cough of sneeze it hurts so much it brings tears to my eyes. Could I have pulled my port loose? Is this an emergency? Thanks for the advice!

Glad to see your update! I hope the Prevacid does the trick for you. What did he say about you suddenly being able to eat and drink so much more than before? I sure hope you don't have any more trouble, and congrats on the weight loss so far!

Thanks so much for the kind comments ladies! It is so nice to know I am not alone out here. We are going to do this!!! I wish you all nothing but success, and I know we are going to look back at this as the best thing we have ever done for ourselves. luckydog - I will keep my fingers crossed that the insurance comes through soon!

I saw Heidi last week and I can’t begin to tell you how incredible she looks. It’s not just the physical weight that she has dropped. She looks healthy. She looks happy. She was always beautiful, but now she is stunning – I mean jaw dropping, eyes popping out of your head striking. I would be a liar if I didn’t admit there was a touch of jealousy intermingled with my happiness for her. Could I possibly hope for what she has attained? Even just a little bit? I started having headaches again. I would wake up in the morning with these crushing headaches. I know it was because of my sleep apnea, which had gone away for a while when I was thinner. I was also thirsty all the time. Yikes, could likely be my blood sugar. That’s not good at all. Climbing the stairs was hard again. It’s crazy what 60 pounds can do to your joints. Don’t even get me started about playing on the floor with my baby, or even more ridiculous, getting up off the floor. I feel like I am 98 years old. It is pathetic. Then, I was reading in a magazine about how few women that are obese (I hate that word by the way, but I guess it is time to face the music, I am obese weather I like that word or not) are able to keep significant amounts of weight off for more than 5 years. The statistics are staggering, and more than little bit discouraging. Less than 5% of obese women that lose significant amounts of weight (50 lbs. or more) are able to keep it off for 5 years or longer. 5%. That’s one out of twenty people. And if you look at the statistics for 10 years or longer, the success rate falls even more. It really made me think, why bother? Then, as though God were sending me a sign, I read an article in the newspaper that very same day about gastric banding. It mentioned these same disappointing statistics. Then it said “bariatric surgery is the only proven effective treatment of obesity in the long run.” There is was, in black and white. The ONLY proven treatment. Right then and there I made my decision. I was going to do this. I started spending every moment that Ava was sleeping on the internet, looking for information about gastric banding. Even though Heidi has such wonderful results with gastric bypass, it did not seem like the right choice for me. I know I want to have more babies, and it seems that the band will allow me to eat a diet that is best able to support a healthy pregnancy. Obviously, that is a long way off right now, but it did factor into my thinking. I also had to face the face that I have know people that have died from that surgery. I just can’t go that route. I know that the band will be a slower weight loss option. I will be dealing with years rather than months of weight loss. However, there are benefits to a slower weight loss as well including better skin elasticity, less muscle loss, and less stress on your organs. Most importantly, the surgery is an outpatient procedure with a relatively easy recovery as compared the lengthy recovery gastric bypass requires. I have a 10-month-old baby. I can’t be down and out for weeks on end. Now, as I am nursing Ava to sleep at night, I try to visualize what my life will look like 100 pounds lighter. One of the fantasies I have is that I walk into a clothing store, like Talbotts or Chico’s and I can buy beautiful sale items right off the rack! And they look great! I also like to picture myself running, not anywhere in particular, but just running, and I never get out of breath. The daydream I was having today had me climbing the beautiful Rocky Mountains, and again, I could do it without pain in my knees and ankles, and without running out of breath. Now I know these are just fantasies, and they are not simply going to come true because I am able to visualize them. None of this is going to be easy, but at least I finally feel like it might actually be possible. I think that is the biggest difference in my state of mind right now. All the other times, even though I wanted to be successful very much, I never really believed, deep down, that I would be. Now I really do. I really do believe this is going to work for me. I think it will work for the same reasons I lost all that weight while I was pregnant. I was never hungry while carrying Ava. I could eat a few bites of whatever I wanted to and feel totally satisfied. I didn’t need to eat eight portions worth to feel full. That is the whole concept behind the band. I won’t be hungry all the time. Most importantly, I hope I can stop thinking about food all the time. I will make that transition from living to eat, to eating to live.

I had my second fill on Thursday, and now I think I finally understand what restriction is . I was feeling so frustrated because my weight loss had really slowed down and I was able to eat WAY too much. Now I think I am on the right track. I do have a question though - how are you all getting in enough protien? I am only able to eat a few bites at a time before I feel full, and I don't think I am getting my recommended amount of protien in. I'd love to hear your suggestions! Thanks!

I saw Heidi last week and I can’t begin to tell you how incredible she looks. It’s not just the physical weight that she has dropped. She looks healthy. She looks happy. She was always beautiful, but now she is stunning – I mean jaw dropping, eyes popping out of your head striking. I would be a liar if I didn’t admit there was a touch of jealousy intermingled with my happiness for her. Could I possibly hope for what she has attained? Even just a little bit? I started having headaches again. I would wake up in the morning with these crushing headaches. I know it was because of my sleep apnea, which had gone away for a while when I was thinner. I was also thirsty all the time. Yikes, could likely be my blood sugar. That’s not good at all. Climbing the stairs was hard again. It’s crazy what 60 pounds can do to your joints. Don’t even get me started about playing on the floor with my baby, or even more ridiculous, getting up off the floor. I feel like I am 98 years old. It is pathetic. Then, I was reading in a magazine about how few women that are obese (I hate that word by the way, but I guess it is time to face the music, I am obese weather I like that word or not) are able to keep significant amounts of weight off for more than 5 years. The statistics are staggering, and more than little bit discouraging. Less than 5% of obese women that lose significant amounts of weight (50 lbs. or more) are able to keep it off for 5 years or longer. 5%. That’s one out of twenty people. And if you look at the statistics for 10 years or longer, the success rate falls even more. It really made me think, why bother? Then, as though God were sending me a sign, I read an article in the newspaper that very same day about gastric banding. It mentioned these same disappointing statistics. Then it said “bariatric surgery is the only proven effective treatment of obesity in the long run.” There is was, in black and white. The ONLY proven treatment. Right then and there I made my decision. I was going to do this. I started spending every moment that Ava was sleeping on the internet, looking for information about gastric banding. Even though Heidi has such wonderful results with gastric bypass, it did not seem like the right choice for me. I know I want to have more babies, and it seems that the band will allow me to eat a diet that is best able to support a healthy pregnancy. Obviously, that is a long way off right now, but it did factor into my thinking. I also had to face the face that I have know people that have died from that surgery. I just can’t go that route. I know that the band will be a slower weight loss option. I will be dealing with years rather than months of weight loss. However, there are benefits to a slower weight loss as well including better skin elasticity, less muscle loss, and less stress on your organs. Most importantly, the surgery is an outpatient procedure with a relatively easy recovery as compared the lengthy recovery gastric bypass requires. I have a 10-month-old baby. I can’t be down and out for weeks on end. Now, as I am nursing Ava to sleep at night, I try to visualize what my life will look like 100 pounds lighter. One of the fantasies I have is that I walk into a clothing store, like Talbotts or Chico’s and I can buy beautiful sale items right off the rack! And they look great! I also like to picture myself running, not anywhere in particular, but just running, and I never get out of breath. The daydream I was having today had me climbing the beautiful Rocky Mountains, and again, I could do it without pain in my knees and ankles, and without running out of breath. Now I know these are just fantasies, and they are not simply going to come true because I am able to visualize them. None of this is going to be easy, but at least I finally feel like it might actually be possible. I think that is the biggest difference in my state of mind right now. All the other times, even though I wanted to be successful very much, I never really believed, deep down, that I would be. Now I really do. I really do believe this is going to work for me. I think it will work for the same reasons I lost all that weight while I was pregnant. I was never hungry while carrying Ava. I could eat a few bites of whatever I wanted to and feel totally satisfied. I didn’t need to eat eight portions worth to feel full. That is the whole concept behind the band. I won’t be hungry all the time. Most importantly, I hope I can stop thinking about food all the time. I will make that transition from living to eat, to eating to live.

How did I let this happen again? I had lost nearly 60 pounds, and slowly but surely, the weight had reappeared. I say that as though it happened without my knowledge or consent. I guess it would be more appropriate to say I put the weight back on. I wear it around like a lead coat. It stifles me, it breaks me, it pains me. Yet, I have done this over and over and over for my whole life. All the fluffy girls reading this know exactly what I am talking about. As a collective, we have probably gained and lost the same 60 pounds a million times. I hate to think it is because I am lazy, or that it is because I have no will power. I know that’s what most people think when they look at me - that woman is a glutton. I suppose there is some truth to it. Although, if they knew how disheartening it is to reach a goal, only to have it taken away . . . wait, there I go again, acting like some invisible power caused this. I know I have to take responsibility. I did this to myself. It didn’t happen to me, I caused it. But could it be that I can’t help it? It may be my fault, but maybe I just need some help to be successful. I tried many different things to “help” but nothing worked in the end. Weight Watchers was great, and I certainly learned a great deal about what foods to eat, and what portion size I should be eating. I remember the first time I learned about the portion size for pasta and rice. I think I laughed out loud. I did lose weight, quickly at first, but I never could get past that 40 pound mark. I had such a long way to go, over 100 pounds, and stalling out at 40 pounds just threw me over the edge. And when I would cheat, I WOULD CHEAT. I think it is a great deal like being an alcoholic. If I had one drink, or in my case, bite, it was all over. Forget about moderation, or “Points” or whatever. Then getting back on the wagon was harder than ever. Again, I know, excuses, excuses. Nevertheless, that was my pattern. I even tried medication for a while. I went to my doctor and begged for help. I remember saying, “I think something must be wrong with me. Even when I am really good, for a really long time, I can’t seem to lose the weight I need to lose!” So she gave me Wellbutrin. It states clearly that it is a medication for depression that should not be taken by people with eating disorders. Well, at 300 pounds, isn’t it fair to say I had an eating disorder? 50 pounds later, gained, not lost, I decided to quit taking Wellburtin. It definitely took the edge off, and helped me realize that I probably have some anxiety issues to work on, but it certainly did not help me lose any weight. In fact, it just made me complacent. The end result, however, was that it did force me to recognize that I have an addiction to food. It forced me to recognize that there was not going to be an easy fix for me. That was a huge disappointment. So, this last bit of temporary weight loss came from a surprising turn of events. I was pregnant, and all of a sudden, food was not my first priority. Taking care of the little being inside me was the most important thing of all. Because I was so large, 355 to start the pregnancy, my doctor was very worried about gestational diabetes. I met with a dietician at the hospital, and I followed her directions to the letter. I cut back on carbs, no more orange juice, lots of fiber, plenty of protein. Well, compared to the fast food junk I had been living on up to that point, it was no surprise that I started to lose weight. All told, I gained 13 pounds through my pregnancy, but lost 35 immediately after my daughter was born. Then, the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life occurred. My dear little one came 6 weeks early and was critically ill. She had to stay in the NICU for nearly a month. For the very first time in my life, I did not turn to food for comfort. In fact, I could not stand the thought of eating a thing. Leaving the hospital without your baby is the most unnatural thing in the world. I felt like I was literally being torn apart. I remember, the night I was discharged from the hospital, my husband and I were walking across the parking lot, and I said, “I feel like I am forgetting something.” Then I broke down and bawled. I don’t think I quit crying for the rest of the evening. I had to pump every three hours because I was hoping to breast feed my baby. Since I wasn’t eating, there wasn’t any milk to pump. I didn’t figure this out for about three weeks, and was getting very discouraged. However, I did find it funny that every time I turned around, someone was trying to make me eat. It was the strangest thing! My father especially, who was such a champion for me during that time – driving me back and forth to the hospital – would always try to get me to eat. I just couldn’t do it. In the end I lost an additional 20 pounds, creating an ultimate weight loss of about 55 pounds at that point. Eventually, my beautiful baby did come home. She is the light of my life. Being her mother is what I have been waiting for. I know all mothers probably feel this way, but she is the most lovely creature I have ever seen. She spreads such joy everywhere we go! I feel so blessed to have a baby that can make even total strangers smile with glee. I continued to lose weight. Ava and I walked every day. All the climbing up and down the stairs with baskets of laundry didn’t hurt either. Breastfeeding did work out in the end, so I know that helped me shed a few pounds as well. All told, I lost over 60 pounds. Then, I had to go back to work. Summer was over, and I had to return to my job as a literacy specialist at an elementary school. I started eating again. It happened slowly, and I saw it happening, but I didn’t do anything about it. It was as though I could watch myself through someone else’s eyes, but I didn’t try to intervene. I just kept eating. WHY? I have thought about this a great deal, and I don’t have any good answers. Was I feeling guilty about taking my baby to daycare? Probably. Was I worn out and looking for comfort? Probably. Was I wishing for more consistent help from my husband? Probably. Are those good reasons to gain 60 pounds? Absolutely not. So here I am, obese again, trying to raise a well-adjusted girl in the United States. That is why I have made this decision. She is the reason I am going to be successful this time, even though I have been unsuccessful all the other times. I want to raise her, not watch her from the sidelines. I want to still be alive when she gets married and has beautiful babies of her own. I want to be able to chase her if she is getting into harms way. I will do this. So that brings us up to date. I have decided to have gastric banding, also known ad Lap-Band surgery. This simply has to work. I have to do the hard work to make it work. I am going to be successful at this! Several things happened to bring me to this decision. My good friend Heidi had gastric bypass surgery a little over a year ago. I mention this for several reasons. First of all, I love Heidi. I have always thought she was one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, even when she was heavy. Second, Heidi has always reminded me of myself. We were both women of faith, school teachers, intelligent, opinionated and well-read. I hold her in the highest esteem and respect her immensely. When Heidi told me she was going to have gastric bypass surgery, I was so excited for her. She had followed a path similar to mine, struggled with her weight all her life, tried all the commercially available programs, all to no avail. I was a bit worried of course, especially because I had just heard about another person I knew that had died from complications from bypass surgery. I started thinking about the notion of never being able to eat gluttonous amounts of food again. I thought about not being able to drink a can of soda pop. I thought about eating only Dixie Cup sized potions. Yuck. That was not for me. Not only that, it scared me. (continued in part two)

How did I let this happen again? I had lost nearly 60 pounds, and slowly but surely, the weight had reappeared. I say that as though it happened without my knowledge or consent. I guess it would be more appropriate to say I put the weight back on. I wear it around like a lead coat. It stifles me, it breaks me, it pains me. Yet, I have done this over and over and over for my whole life. All the fluffy girls reading this know exactly what I am talking about. As a collective, we have probably gained and lost the same 60 pounds a million times. I hate to think it is because I am lazy, or that it is because I have no will power. I know that’s what most people think when they look at me - that woman is a glutton. I suppose there is some truth to it. Although, if they knew how disheartening it is to reach a goal, only to have it taken away . . . wait, there I go again, acting like some invisible power caused this. I know I have to take responsibility. I did this to myself. It didn’t happen to me, I caused it. But could it be that I can’t help it? It may be my fault, but maybe I just need some help to be successful. I tried many different things to “help” but nothing worked in the end. Weight Watchers was great, and I certainly learned a great deal about what foods to eat, and what portion size I should be eating. I remember the first time I learned about the portion size for pasta and rice. I think I laughed out loud. I did lose weight, quickly at first, but I never could get past that 40 pound mark. I had such a long way to go, over 100 pounds, and stalling out at 40 pounds just threw me over the edge. And when I would cheat, I WOULD CHEAT. I think it is a great deal like being an alcoholic. If I had one drink, or in my case, bite, it was all over. Forget about moderation, or “Points” or whatever. Then getting back on the wagon was harder than ever. Again, I know, excuses, excuses. Nevertheless, that was my pattern. I even tried medication for a while. I went to my doctor and begged for help. I remember saying, “I think something must be wrong with me. Even when I am really good, for a really long time, I can’t seem to lose the weight I need to lose!” So she gave me Wellbutrin. It states clearly that it is a medication for depression that should not be taken by people with eating disorders. Well, at 300 pounds, isn’t it fair to say I had an eating disorder? 50 pounds later, gained, not lost, I decided to quit taking Wellburtin. It definitely took the edge off, and helped me realize that I probably have some anxiety issues to work on, but it certainly did not help me lose any weight. In fact, it just made me complacent. The end result, however, was that it did force me to recognize that I have an addiction to food. It forced me to recognize that there was not going to be an easy fix for me. That was a huge disappointment. So, this last bit of temporary weight loss came from a surprising turn of events. I was pregnant, and all of a sudden, food was not my first priority. Taking care of the little being inside me was the most important thing of all. Because I was so large, 355 to start the pregnancy, my doctor was very worried about gestational diabetes. I met with a dietician at the hospital, and I followed her directions to the letter. I cut back on carbs, no more orange juice, lots of fiber, plenty of protein. Well, compared to the fast food junk I had been living on up to that point, it was no surprise that I started to lose weight. All told, I gained 13 pounds through my pregnancy, but lost 35 immediately after my daughter was born. Then, the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life occurred. My dear little one came 6 weeks early and was critically ill. She had to stay in the NICU for nearly a month. For the very first time in my life, I did not turn to food for comfort. In fact, I could not stand the thought of eating a thing. Leaving the hospital without your baby is the most unnatural thing in the world. I felt like I was literally being torn apart. I remember, the night I was discharged from the hospital, my husband and I were walking across the parking lot, and I said, “I feel like I am forgetting something.” Then I broke down and bawled. I don’t think I quit crying for the rest of the evening. I had to pump every three hours because I was hoping to breast feed my baby. Since I wasn’t eating, there wasn’t any milk to pump. I didn’t figure this out for about three weeks, and was getting very discouraged. However, I did find it funny that every time I turned around, someone was trying to make me eat. It was the strangest thing! My father especially, who was such a champion for me during that time – driving me back and forth to the hospital – would always try to get me to eat. I just couldn’t do it. In the end I lost an additional 20 pounds, creating an ultimate weight loss of about 55 pounds at that point. Eventually, my beautiful baby did come home. She is the light of my life. Being her mother is what I have been waiting for. I know all mothers probably feel this way, but she is the most lovely creature I have ever seen. She spreads such joy everywhere we go! I feel so blessed to have a baby that can make even total strangers smile with glee. I continued to lose weight. Ava and I walked every day. All the climbing up and down the stairs with baskets of laundry didn’t hurt either. Breastfeeding did work out in the end, so I know that helped me shed a few pounds as well. All told, I lost over 60 pounds. Then, I had to go back to work. Summer was over, and I had to return to my job as a literacy specialist at an elementary school. I started eating again. It happened slowly, and I saw it happening, but I didn’t do anything about it. It was as though I could watch myself through someone else’s eyes, but I didn’t try to intervene. I just kept eating. WHY? I have thought about this a great deal, and I don’t have any good answers. Was I feeling guilty about taking my baby to daycare? Probably. Was I worn out and looking for comfort? Probably. Was I wishing for more consistent help from my husband? Probably. Are those good reasons to gain 60 pounds? Absolutely not. So here I am, obese again, trying to raise a well-adjusted girl in the United States. That is why I have made this decision. She is the reason I am going to be successful this time, even though I have been unsuccessful all the other times. I want to raise her, not watch her from the sidelines. I want to still be alive when she gets married and has beautiful babies of her own. I want to be able to chase her if she is getting into harms way. I will do this. So that brings us up to date. I have decided to have gastric banding, also known ad Lap-Band surgery. This simply has to work. I have to do the hard work to make it work. I am going to be successful at this! Several things happened to bring me to this decision. My good friend Heidi had gastric bypass surgery a little over a year ago. I mention this for several reasons. First of all, I love Heidi. I have always thought she was one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, even when she was heavy. Second, Heidi has always reminded me of myself. We were both women of faith, school teachers, intelligent, opinionated and well-read. I hold her in the highest esteem and respect her immensely. When Heidi told me she was going to have gastric bypass surgery, I was so excited for her. She had followed a path similar to mine, struggled with her weight all her life, tried all the commercially available programs, all to no avail. I was a bit worried of course, especially because I had just heard about another person I knew that had died from complications from bypass surgery. I started thinking about the notion of never being able to eat gluttonous amounts of food again. I thought about not being able to drink a can of soda pop. I thought about eating only Dixie Cup sized potions. Yuck. That was not for me. Not only that, it scared me. (continued in part two)

Hi all! I am turning to you once again for some advice! Is it possible for your port to move? I know mine feels higher than before, and just yesterday, I started to feel pain at the port site. It doesn't last very long, but it HURTS for a few moments, then goes away. What in the world is this all about? Anyone else have this issue? Thanks so much for your thoughts!:thumbup: