Bariatric Panda

I wanted to give a little insight into my journey so far. In 2016 I had a few things happen to me that helped me gain weight. First, I had a slip and fall at Walmart. At that time, I didn't know the damage I did to myself in that fall and how it would affect me now. Shortly after the slip and fall, I found out I was pregnant with Ronin. My lawsuit came to a sudden halt, getting my back and knee fixed came to a halt and on packed pregnancy weight. Before I got pregnant with Ronin, I was 340. As my pregnancy went on, stress from being pregnant, pain from the slip and fall, not being able to move as I did prior to my slip and fall, I fell into a depression. A week before I had Ronin, I weighed 370. I ended up having Ronin 2 months early due to pre-eclampsia. The pre-eclampsia started to attack my nervous system. My blood pressure stayed dangerously high during my ENTIRE pregnancy with him. MANY overnight and week-long stays stressed me out more because I was away from Turtle during these times, and I didn't want to put that stress on anyone else. But thankfully I had my mom and my aunt there when I couldn't be there or Ryan when he was working. After having Ronin, the stress of having 2 kids hit hard. I fell into a deeper depression. I ate whatever and I didn't care. At my first postpartum appt, I weighed in at 375. This made me even more depressed. Instead of eating right I only ate once a day because I was beyond tired from Ronin being a newborn, Still having Turtle to take care of, the house, and everything else as a stay-at-home mom. ME, myself, and I took a back burner to everything else going on. After Ronin was born, I ended up having surgery on my knee from the slip and fall and started to treat my back again. I started thinking now I could feel better and start getting this weight off. WRONG. The pain from having two herniated discs in my back told me otherwise. It hurt to walk upstairs to my apartment let alone around the block with my dog. Que more depression. One thing after another started happening. From family drama all around, my husband's father passing away, more drama, and just stress from life and death. I was in the darkest place of my entire life. My father in laws death brought back so many memories I pushed in the deepest parts on mind, that I just pushed everyone around me away and fought the storm in my mind alone. Took me a long time to see the light from everything that went on. I stopped talking to some of my family because of the drama. And that's what hurt me the most. A few months go by, and I FINALLY start to get myself back on track. I start to feel good minus the pain from my back, I start to feel happy and less stressed cause my new motto was "just toss it in the f**k it bucket and leave it" and I did that with things I couldn't control. I started to feel happy again and then it was like the demons saw me smile and they were pissed and on came more f**king drama. But this time instead of falling into a depression I stood up for myself. I got rid of things that hindered my ability to smile. Things that caused drama, things that made me second guess myself as a mother, wife, and person in general. I started working on myself one step at a time. The first thing I decided to do was to tackle my overall health. This is when I found out I was at my highest weight ever in my life. 401 pounds....... I left my doctors in tears. I sat in my car and cried before I went home. I was now on blood pressure meds (should have been on them after I left the hospital with Ronin but I wasn't) and I was borderline diabetic (I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with Ronin, Didn't find out until the week before I had him.) 
I was 401 pounds a year ago. That doctor's appointment shook me. I started to think about surgery then but got scared and instead said no I need to do this on my own and I need to learn a new relationship with myself, my demons in my head, and most importantly, food. I started to tackle my demons first cause that voice in my head was always my downfall when it came to anything positive in my life. I started saying positive things to myself throughout the day in my head. If I made a better choice with food, I threw a f**king party in my mind for myself. My relationship with food over the year has changed ALOT. I've cut a lot of things out or WAY down. I still drink soda but that’s not all I drink now like before when Dr. Pepper was life. I've cut out a lot of bread, pasta, rice and things like that. Recently, I cut out corn and potatoes. I don’t eat them as often as I did and that was the HARDEST thing to do because I LOVE potatoes and corn lol. I still eat them but nowhere near as I did. Things were going great, 2 months in I lost 10 pounds. I thought, hey not bad. BUT the demons came right the f**k back. And out the window went every good thing I did to get those 10 pounds gone. I was so beat down by this. So instead of falling back into that pity me stage, I got up and I said f**k this, and started back at the starting line and I dusted myself off and got back in the race. 
I started looking at reasons why I could eat 100% healthy and not lose weight. I started looking at different body types and exercises geared towards that type of metabolism etc. I started working out at home and at the gym. I found a new doctor who was in my corner on me getting healthy. He put me on a better blood pressure pill, did blood work and so much more. It's been about 5-6 months since I really started pushing myself. I still have the same demons, but they are a little quieter these days. I handle stress a LITTLE differently, I still have a short fuse towards bullshit, but I don’t allow drama to hold a place in my home anymore. My home is my mind. I NEED that peace of mind for this to work for me. I started to mend relationships I pushed away; I still approach them with caution for the fear of the same bullshit happening but I don’t bottle things up inside my mind for my demons to feed off of anymore. And THAT alone has been the biggest help so far. 
With the help and guidance of my new doctor, I started to explore having bypass surgery. While I'm down 61 pounds, I now have high blood pressure AND diabetes. I don’t see it or feel like 61 pounds is gone. While I have a new mindset on my mental health and a newfound loving relationship with food, I still f**k up. A LOT. I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I have a long journey to push through. And becoming my own cheerleader has made me fall in love with myself more than I ever have. I CAN’T wait to see where I will be next year  
This journey hasn't been easy at all. Especially fighting the battles inside my head alone. So, if you are on a journey like mine, just know you are not alone. And if you want to join me on this journey then let's do it! I'll cheer you on cause the hardest step is starting. (This was written in 2020)

Update: I had my surgery on 3/02/2022. Day of surgery I weighted 334. I lost 67 pounds by myself after that doctor appointment. From simple diet changes but it wasn't enough for me or fast enough. I lost 67 pounds in 2 years, while that's amazing I wanted more so I decided gastric bypass surgery was my best choice. I got in touch with a doctor who took my insurance and started my process.  I had to go through a few steps to get approved. I had to get a letter from my doctor saying it was medically necessary, a letter from a psychiatric doctor, I had to do a sleep study, classes on nutrition and a few other things. The process took me about 8 months. BEST. DECISION.EVER.  I am a little over 3 months post op today (June 8th,2022) and I am down 63.6 pounds JUST from having gastric bypass.