wickedme

Okay, so I am scheduled on the 28th to have my final psych eval. After that they should make my appt with the surgeon and I should have some idea of when they will do my surgery. I am hoping for before Thanksgiving so I can have an excuse to go somewhere else for Thanksgiving. It will be very difficult to be so close to the holidays and having everyone constantly eyeing me and what I'm eating, but I want to be on my way to a new me before the new year starts. I want this years resolution to be about something fun and not about my health or losing weight.. that will already be in the works.

I haven't been great about my eating habits lately but haven't gone too crazy. The back pain I was having is gone so I need to get back to excercising. I definately want to go to the pool this week, wish I could go in the early morning but have to get the kids ready for school.

Married life had been difficult and I don't know what to do about it. I'm not totally blameless, and not feeling great about my appearance at the moment isn't helping. I'm feeling a little lonely I guess. I don't know what it is that I need right now, but hope to figure it out. I think we may need to talk with someone and get some direction. Our money issues are getting a little better, but with Christmas coming we really need to stay focused and not stray on the goal. The kids have only mentioned a couple of things that they want and I think they deserve them.

I am trying not to get too excited about anything right now and just take everything one day at a time. A part of me still wishes my health didn't come to this, but with my leg issues and joint pain, and lack of 5 hours free time a day for the gym there just is no other way, and I want to live!!

Well I passed the psych eval and can move on to the see the nutritionist. I am going to follow through with seeing a Congnitive Behavioral Therapist because the nutr. said it could only benefit my outcome. It was good to talk through my issues, and I even had a realization about being a grazer at social functions. If I'm not busy hosting I get uncomfortable, especially about my appearance and so I continue to graze.. arghhh I put it to the test yesterday at a family gathering. It was a great time and after eating the regular meal I moved away from the food and made a point to not go near it again. I still ate more then I needed to, but not to a point of feeling sick. I didn't drink at all either!! That isn't so much of an issue anyways, but would have taken my calorie intake way over the limit.

I also attended a support group afterwards and was very enlightened and humbled by the people in it. I had my first real twinge of fear of how I will be able to handle it when I have those days when food just won't go down, or when you are sick to death of protein shakes. The overall thing was that even though there were some really miserable days they all lost weight and are still pushing forward. I will really have to put my faith completely in my doctors hands when he makes the decision of what size band he uses and that I am ready for the surgery when the day comes..

I meet with the nutritionist on the 20th, and need to keep a journal of all my food intake and emotions for 8 days.. It is a really great tool because it makes you have to think about the reasons why you are eating and being accountable for the choices.

I still have some family members that I have not discussed this with, and don't know if I will until later. My 7 siblings and I are getting together in 2 months so I am sure the subject will come up at some point. I haven't told my inlaws either and don't plan to until I have to. They can be quite judgemental at times and I don't need any negative energy right now. I am hoping everyone will be supportive when it comes down to it and appreciate the fact that I am trying to do the best thing for my health, and that I am not weak or lazy.

I was on my feet for most of the day Friday and Saturday and had to resort to using some aleve because of the joint pain,, just another reminder of how much I need to do this in order to have a better life..

DEJA VU--------------

so strange but I had a DEJA VU when reading the blog after posting it.. I have had many of them lately, but hadn't for the past three years. I have always associated them with "life being on track" or going in the right direction, and being where I am suppose to be. I had lost that feeling and have been struggling to figure out where I am at in my life. I am choosing to except it as a sign that this is truly right for me.

I got the call this morning and even though it has been 7 weeks, could not believe they chose me to fill a cancellation space with so many others waiting.. I don't think it will seem real until I get there. Of course I'm already thinking ahead of this to .. when will my nutritionist appt be?? when will I meet with the surgeon?? what if I need my gallbladder out?? what if they think I'm crazy??

I am sooo excited and feel like screaming it out, but there is really no to scream it to.. I called hubby but he is out of range,, so I told dad because he was sitting in our office,, hes 85 and doesn't get excited about much,, let alone me having surgery. He hasn't said anything about it, but is probably worried that I won't be able to get into the office..and he doesn't like being alone all day. That is the least of my worries at the moment, but I am saying my prayers for a speedy recovery so that he won't have to be alone during the day for too long. I live next door so I could come and stay here during the day, but unless I was bandaged from head to toe I don't think he would comprehend that I am healing.. He's not daft, just a man!! Like most people if you don't show a physical outward appearance you must be fine... I also told my sister but she didn't say much..

hmmm.. so I have been doing lots of reading on different eating plans (notice i didn't say diet??) for after surgery. I am trying to incorporate habits and the types of food necessary into my life now hoping it will make the transition easier.. portion control is the most difficult struggle right now.. I just don't know why I can't get a handle on it.. but if I could I wouldn't need the band right.. arghhh Just last night we had spaghetti,, homemade sauce with splenda,, chicken and ground turkey, whole wheat pasta,, garlic bread was whole grain with olive oil and grated parm.. one small slice is all I had of that.. 1 cup pasta with one scoop of sauce, at it and should have stopped but added another small scoop of each,, why?? mostly because I didn't feel full and my body wasn't satisfied.. I did stop myself from eating anything else for the rest of the night but it was an all out battle to stay out of the kitchen.. I can't wait for the day when it won't be so hard to stop, and I can spend that extra time doing something way more meaningful with my mind and time!!

I saw your picks so read you blogs.. good points, and congrats on your success. I loved the part about sticking with the yoga, it is a great accomplishment. I haven't been banded yet, but am encouraged by the positive post too. I seem to get more negative responses from my personal interactions and need to hear the better side here. I was very skeptical at first because one of my first posts I stated how hard I had tried with dieting and calorie counting and was replied with "this isn't going to work for you if your not losing by cutting calories,, or some such response... I felt I had to defend myself and replied with something stupid (not mean) and embarrassed myself when I should have ignored the comment. My reasons for lapband are not just about what it says on the scale, but about my health in general..

Thanks for the posts, and best wishes to you

In the past year the whole "buying clothes" had really been a nightmare.. Some would call the plus sizes "old lady clothes", but even the older ladies I know wouldn't buy them.. I swear the plus size designers made a point of making hideous clothing to make us stand out even more.. Floral tops?? flourescent striped shorts?? short sleeve shirts so short they get caught in your arm pits!!! There will always be overweight people in the world who are that way for a million different reasons as we see in here.. shopping should not be such a nightmare.

Well I completed another task on my TO-DO LIST today.. I had a root canal done in a tooth that has had problems for a very long time. I haven't been chewing properly and now I will be able to again. I was very fortunate to have a good doctor and have not had any pain issues as of yet..

The weather here has been crazy and I have been struggling to get in enough walking. My son and I went yesterday and had to cut it short because it started to rain and thunder. We haven't been able to go swimming everyday either which was my goal..

I just reread my surgery and clinic information again and I am going to be required to lose 15 lbs even though my insurance doesn't think it is necessary.. I am really struggling with that, gained a pound according to the nutritionists scale. I believe I was retaining fluids that day because my hands were swollen,, and think is was the pizza sauce we ate the night before. I will try harder for the next two weeks and hope there is some change. It would be devestating to have my surgery cancelled because of weight gain. I wish the doctors had a better idea of what is going on with me, I don't want to fail.

I finished all the paperwork and have been excepted into a Bariatric Sugery Program in Maine. I haven't gotten my first appointment yet and am trying to be patient about it. I am seeing a dietician at my lipid Drs. office, but haven't done very well this past two weeks.. I have had some really strange hunger pains since changing my reflux meds. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with things, making excuses as to why I didn't exercise everyday, mostly because my kids were gone and I didn't have anyone to motivate me. I have an appointment for a weigh in on Monday and am dreading it.On the other hand, I walked 1.5 miles in a parade for my daughters softball team after admitting that the only reason I didn't want to go was because I didn't want all those people I never see to see me. I admitted it to my friend and fellow coach and I think she was shocked. My other excuse was my still healing broken leg which is a valid complaint, but I survived it.

I am getting some mixed reactions from people about the upcoming surgery. I have had very few reactions of "go for it" from the people closest to me. I know most of it from my family is just general concerns, but isn't that the whole point of the drastic life change?? I'm already seeing the effects of being overweight. I hate that look that people can't hide that says,, well why don't you just stop eating.. I think I have thought that before myself, but obviously if I could do it and stick to it I wouldn't still be fat right? I have started the conversation right off with " I am going to have the Lap Band Surgery,,, because I don't want to have a stroke or heart attack" It pissess me off that people have to be so judgemental before they even listen to what you have to say:cursing:.

My other struggle is finding a support person who is supportive not a food police. Every non essential bite I take brings on guilt and self beatings, I don't need anymore of that verbally. I want someone to say, "you ready for that walk?" or hey I found a great place for salads!.. lol I do have one friend who wants to walk with me, but I can't talk to her about the surgery because she truly believes I can just do it all on my own. In a perfect world that might be true, but I really need some help.

I had an appointment with shrink that I had made on my own to talk about anxiety attacks. She doesn't want to put me on meds which I am happy about, but wants me to see a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist to help me work through them and control them on my own. I am also trying some Omega-3's and multi B vitamin to see if it helps.. Its been a week and I feel a little less tense, but my kids were also gone for a week for the first time for more then 2 days ever so I didn't have that kind of stress to deal with.

I am going to work harder this week to be better about the amount of food I am eating, and will not eat out at all if possible..

I guess it all began with two awesome parents with really bad genes.. Three of four grandparents had diabetic issues, all four had heart issues, one was severely obese and died at 55, leaving me without an awesome grandmother! Two of my five brothers had heart attacks and seven stints between them at age 50, one of them is diabetic, another brother and a sister have Afib, one of them has had Ablation twice.. Hereditary high cholesterol in all but 2 of the eight kids, one is a vegetarian and always tired, the other has chrons disease,, great bunch huh?? My dad never drank or smoked, but never had his cholesterol checked and had a heart attack at age 75 on my daughters first Christmas. My mom passed away in a car accident, but struggled with her weight from 40 to 55. It took her two years to lose 80 lbs through weight watchers but she did it and kept it off for 8 years before she passed. It was right around the time that I had really started gaining. I had a 4 month miscarriage and let the sadness get the best of me. I didn't take that weight off, and more piled on. I was pushing 240, and met my hubby. We were partying, I was a bartender, dancing and never eating and lost 25 lbs.. and got pregnant.. I gained 58 lbs with my 10 lb daughter,, I suffered through two more miscarriages between them, lost about 20 lbs and be came pregnant with my son. I was about 268 when I delivered him at 9lb 12.5 oz,, I lost some of that, but my female problems were taking over my life. After 5 years of misery I had a complete hysterectomy. I was convinced that this would end my weight cycle once and for all. I was going to have this surgery to save my life and my sanity and lose the weight. I started walking daily, seeing a dietician, and was really into it,, I lost eight lbs, and it took me 4 months to do it.. very discouraging.. still convinced my female problems were the root of it all I had the hyst.. A week later I was down to 242,, extatic and proud of it.. Live was grand, no complications and healing wonderfully.. We bought a pool and I started swimming everyday along with the walking.. Went to the docs, stepped on the scale and I was 250,, what??? Bad scale, water retention, I would be find.. Kept at the calorie counting and exercise,, felt sluggish, went back to docs,, 260 in 3.5 weeks.. I told them I wanted off the HRT,, they said no, we need to up the dose, thats your problem.. I started having hot flashes, mood swings, panic attacks and headaches.. went back to the docs at 6 month mark,, I weighed in at 289:scared2:, I was devestated. I told them I was going off HRT and every med I was taking to stop the gaining. They disagreed with me and said it would make it worse,, I did it anyway and never gained another pound... but never lost any either.. I have been fluctuation between 283 and 289, but never less in 1 yr 9 months. So here I am, considering and being considered for the lap band..

I don't know where this is going or how it will end, but I do know that with 304 cholesterol,, bordering sugar levels, apnea, gerd, hiatal hernia, incontinence when coughing, back and leg pain, potential heart risk, I have to look into this.