blackcatsandbaddecisions

The impact being morbidly obese had on my life was everywhere. I was ashamed of how I looked and didn’t want to see people anymore. I hated eating in public thinking of what people thought of me. Constantly wondering if I’d fit in chairs/certain places. Knowing I was unable to fly in a plane due to my size. Not being able to buy clothes or take any pride in my appearance. Feeling sluggish and lazy all the time. Feeling out of control and ruled by food and the ever increasing scale. And finally knowing that my children deserved a mother that had energy and enthusiasm for life again. I’m still in my journey, I have 41 lbs to go to reach goal. But 135 lbs down and I’m “overweight” now, I can run and have energy again, I can buy clothes at regular stores and I love how I look, and I’m finally taking care of an issue that’s plagued me since grade school. I would do it all over again a dozen times if I had to.

Mine was really unhelpful in the sense that it was mostly just answering questions about stress on a scale system, etc. She didn’t really impress me as someone who had a lot to offer me so far as counseling and advice. I’m gonna be honest, it was clear that she was just trying to make sure that I had a home environment that wouldn’t undermine my success, that I wasn’t mentally ill to the point that I would be a surgical risk, and that I understood the surgery/had reasonable goals and expectations so I tailored my answers to that. I had my psych exam in the middle of covid however during one of the most stressful times personally and professionally and no way in heck was I going to start discussing that with someone who I didn’t even know when my end goal was just to check off this requirement for my insurance. At some point I want to potentially meet with someone to discuss my issues with food, family, etc but I’ll do that with someone of my own choosing at a time of my choosing. My goal was to get cleared for surgery so that is what I did.

I actually put off surgery at first because I was so afraid of complications. I ended up going ahead this time because I was insured for bariatric coverage and I knew at least that protected me financially. I remember looking at myself in the mirror after I had my surgery date scheduled and being like “what the heck are you doing”. But I went forward and I’m glad every day I did. For me it was reminding myself that risks aren’t only present with action, but also inaction. Sometimes we assume that we are safe if we stick with the status quo but there are medical risks with staying overweight as well. They may not be as obvious as surgical risks but they exist nonetheless.

It’s odd how bodies change- when I got engaged 13 years ago I was about 30 lbs less than I am now and I remember my engagement ring being on the verge of being tight. Now it is the exact right size. Maybe my fingers are getting bonier as I age. I’m hoping they just stay the same size though because I also have a multiple tone wedding ring that can’t be resized and I love it Also, leave the fat on my fingers alone body, you have a veritable buffet of fat left on the stomach. Or the hips. Or thighs. I have a laundry list and the last place I’m interested in is hands at this point.

It took my doctors office like 10 days to send it in and then my insurance responded in less than 24 hours. I work in healthcare so I understand that I’m not the only patient but still I was restraining myself from calling and being like SUBMIT IT!!

My final straw was realizing that I just kept gaining and gaining and I was too fat to enjoy my life. I couldn’t play with my kids, I was afraid to meet new people and see that look of judgement. I was exhausted and felt like I was moving a mountain every move I made. I was always worried about not fitting in chairs, I wouldn’t be able to fly in a plane, walk a mile, forget it. I felt trapped in a prison that i had made myself. If you’re happy where you are, this surgery might not be for you. I wasn’t happy and I was getting more miserable every year.

Very much agree- I did weight watchers about 15 years ago and they were huge on “NOTHING is forbidden, if you ever forbid yourself something then that causes binging!” Trying to tell myself that I should be able to deal with sugar and snack food in moderation and keeping it in the house led me to weighing 340 lbs. If it’s there I eat it!

Well dang I don’t remember signing on to become a lifelong bariatric surgery counselor when I got surgery. I’m a private person and I don’t discuss my medical issues with people I’m not very close with. There’s a huge difference between me just living my life and not sharing my personal medical information and someone positioning themselves as a weight loss expert/influencer and not disclosing it. I’ve had some comments on how great my skin looks at my age as well, and for some people I offer a thanks, and for others I offer information on my Botox provider. It’s almost like I’m an adult who doesn’t owe every human I meet my life story. Do you think I should put a sign on my door that outlines my various surgeries and medical procedures on the off chance it influences someone? Oh maybe I should also list any marital/child rearing difficulties I’ve ever had and information on my bowel habits too. Or do I maybe have the right to decide who I share what information with? Let people live their lives and worry about yourself and your own decisions.

My stomach has been pretty happy with everything I’ve thrown at it, but I’ve categorized some things as “not for me anymore”. I know this isn’t popular and everything in moderation seems more sustainable but i also recognize that there are a few foods I can’t control myself with once I start. For me that’s candy and chips/popcorn. I know from past experience I can’t have it in the house and if I start with it I will eat too much. I also recognize that I’m the daughter of alcoholics and that I have addictive tendencies. Try to think about if you are able to eat well in moderation or if you have some trigger foods that might not be able to be incorporated into your long term diet. Fast food and cookies might be something that won’t work for you.

I’ve taken the pro care- no nausea, no problems, labs came back great. I’m currently taking the BariatricPal brand one a day capsule (got them on a sale) and they work fine too.

I started out with a 49 BMI, and I got the sleeve. I’m six months out and I just hit a BMI of 29. No complications whatsoever, but I also was very healthy prior to surgery. My only comorbidity was being super obese. I love that I feel the “same” for lack of a better description. I still have the cast iron stomach I used to have (just a lot less of it) and basically the only change has been my hunger doesn’t control my life anymore. Part of my reason for picking the sleeve was that I wanted the surgery with fewer long term complications- if something was going to happen I wanted it to happen right away so I wouldn’t worry about it. With that said, complications in either surgery are very low. I don’t think either one is the wrong choice. If I had it to do over again I wouldn’t change a thing.

Totally agree on the front end looking better- I love seeing the little ring moving toward completion. I feel it’s very “goal focused”. MFP and the “feed” is pretty much just ads for me. Maybe it’s different if you have friends. 😬

It’s kind of wild, to be honest. Some things are actually kind of funny. He was telling a story about a dentist they used back in their hometown. He was talking about how expensive he was, then he was talking about how he was having an affair with his hygienist, then he decides to announce how the whole town knew he was a “coke head” and he came in on the weekend once to fix my moms broken tooth “high as a kite on cocaine”. I was just sitting there like...why did you lead this story with the expensive part??

I’ve really been thinking about this recently. I love my parents and I think they did they best job they knew how to, and in many ways they gave my siblings and I an amazing upbringing. But there was always an undercurrent of weight shaming from my dad toward my sister and I. He has always brought up how we need to lose weight, and how concerned he is for our health. I’ve always been a bit resentful because growing up there was kind of a free for all on food- many nights we were left to figure out meals for ourselves. There was always plenty of food, but I didn’t know how to cook so I would eat graham crackers and saltines with a can of coke. But still there were endless comments about our weight. I frequently rebelled- I didn’t care about losing weight, I cut my hair short because my dad had forbidden us to get haircuts because girls should have long hair, I made sure to get a B so I wasn’t a valedictorian, etc. I lost weight years ago and got to a healthy weight. My parents were thrilled, but I couldn’t maintain it and the weight piled back on. My dad was vocal in his disappointment. I’ve been moderately successful in other areas of my life- I have a masters degree and a good career, a husband and two children, a house, etc, but I know my weight has always been the forefront of his mind. Both of my parents have moderate dementia now- they know who I am but the cognitive decline is apparent. I visit weekly to meet with their caregivers and fill pill cases. My dad has routinely made negative comments about my weight, and then when I started losing weight it was always “keep it up, don’t stop!” It bothered me that he could forget so much and still remember everything related to my weight. The other week we stopped wearing masks because we were all fully vaccinated. My dad commented my face looked different, and that it looked good now. I joked with him that you’re not supposed to say that, you’re supposed to say that I looked good then and I look good now. He looked shocked and said “you didn’t look good then!” I know part of it is because the dementia is causing him to just say whatever he is thinking, but it still kind of hurt. I know I look better now, but I kind of wish he thought I still had value and looked good when I was 130 lbs heavier. I’ve had to come to terms with knowing that losing weight has to be for me, now. I need to stop having a pleasing my parents/rebelling against my parents mindset. It isn’t “giving in” to be a healthy weight (or to have long hair for that matter) it’s me living my life as an adult.

Six months down! I’m weighing in today at 209.2, so I lost 8.6 lbs last month. Slowing down a bit, but that’s to be expected. Overall I’m 129.8 lbs down. I’m halfway through a couch to 5k app. It feels great and kind of weird to be running. Like it seems almost impossible that someone of my size can run- then I remember I’m only 9 lbs from being overweight. It’s hard to remember my actual size a lot of the time. I love how I’m starting to look, and I can’t get over how amazing it feels to run up a staircase that before I had to slowly walk up feeling my knees ache with every step. I’m happy every single day that I had this surgery. Some of my “new” clothes are starting to be too big. Yes, I knew I shouldn’t buy so much but oh well, that’s what Poshmark is for. This month I want to finish the C25K app and run for 30 minutes straight...the thought is crazy but I’m excited by the possibility. I want to lose 9.4 lbs....which would put me in onederland! It would also move me into being overweight...luckily everyone here understands how exciting being overweight would be. Crazy to think that six months ago today I was being dropped off at the hospital by my husband. I was so nervous and excited but also certain I was making the right choice. And I was!

I use Baritastic and MFP, but I’m only still using MFP because I have a decades worth of weight tracking on there Baritastic is nice because it tracks protein first, as well as carbs. It also doesn’t give you endless warnings about how you’re eating so few calories. I also like Baritastic for the weight tracking- it breaks the goal up into little chunks so I always feel like I’m making progress, even though I started out almost 200 lbs above my end goal. Basically I’d use both for a while and see which one works better for you.

I think the most telling thing about this is that with some people getting this surgery it truly is a matter of life and death, and for a lot of other people it’s a matter of them being miserable and suffering without the surgery...and their friends and family are still against it. The one singular person I told has been generally positive about it but has for sure told me that she doesn’t want to get the surgery (wasn’t implying she should, but ok) and has made random comments about people she knows who got surgery and regained/didn’t lose. Helpful!

So true- I was joking with my husband last night that everyone wants a fat person to lose weight until they actually do it, then they’re angry because we upset the status quo. I’ve noticed that when I’d lost 75 lbs the comments were all generally positive, but as I am now 130+ down some of those same people are still commenting but the comments are clearing becoming more defensive and less cheerful. I know, it’s terrible that I can’t fill the place in your life of “fat person I can judge and compare myself favorably to”. This is a main reason I’m keeping the surgery quiet, because trust me as people become more defensive of your weight loss they would love to have “ammunition” to judge and ridicule you in order to bolster their own ego.

I had a small glass of wine starting at like 4 months postop. I didn’t really want any before that. My plan calls for not drinking during the weight loss phase, but my weight loss phase is going to last for a while since I have so much to lose so I felt like it was ok to introduce. It went fine, I have one every month or so now. Long term with the surgery I’m not going to be a teetotaler for life, so I’m trying to build reasonable habits.

The ring size thing is crazy. I’m back in my wedding ring set that I haven’t worn in a decade now. It is an amazing feeling, I always felt so terrible that I had this beautiful and sentimental set of rings that I barely got to wear because I gained weight so quickly and couldn’t fit into them anymore. I’m so glad I was too lazy and stubborn to get them resized because they fit perfectly again. It’s like a little victory every time I look down and see them on my hand.

I cannot get enough of my Ryka slip on sneakers. I run in them, go hiking in them, and my feet never hurt. Low cost and comfortable.

I’m halfway through my C25K app as of this week. I only check like every run session to make sure the app is going and it’s not time to walk yet.

I alternate between rowing and treadmill and I watch HGTV on my discovery plus app on my phone. I find nothing occupies my mind quite like judging home decor.

I just take my vitamins in the evening- bariatric multivitamin capsule with iron, b vitamin comped, vitamin d. I throw back the handful of 3 pills and I’m good. My labs have been awesome so far and my doctor is happy with this. I have the sleeve however, and I get a ton of milk products plus I eat fruit and vegetables daily so your mileage may vary.

Nonfat latte, and the egg white bites if I’m getting food. Hot latte, iced latte, doesn’t matter. This has been my drink for decades.