BlueIGT

My last appointment in 2019 the dietitian basically told me if she had been the one to talk to me and give a yes or no as a candidate she would of said no to me. Why? Because I am fussy and I don't like fish. My blood work was good. I was around 170 pounds to which I was told I am losing too much and I should of tapered off by then and been in maintenance. When I left there I felt very frustrated as I was a slow loser and maybe that was the goal they had set for me, but mine was lower. Anyway, she put me on an emergency list to go back in January to talk to her again so they could check on me. It's an hour drive and $20 to park. When I left there I tried more suggestions of what else to add to my diet and found that I was eating when I wasn't hungry, I was pushing myself to eat more than I wanted and more often than not I suffered for hours after eating. I did this for about 2 weeks and then went back to how I was doing it before.

Now they've been calling since January trying to book an appointment and I keep giving excuses as to why I can't go. They called each month and now because of covid-19 they are willing to do phone appointments so I agreed. I told the dietitian about my previous experience and how it wasn't helpful. When I told her I was down to 145 on my scale she told me that once again I would be put on the emergency list as it more than a year later and I shouldn't be losing anymore weight and if I continued to do so I would likely be a failure and gain it all back. Hopefully the next one is over the phone also and I will just tell them what they want to hear. I will tell them I gained 10 pounds and I eat fish every other day and all the other stuff they say I need to eat.

And like the last time for a couple weeks I tried to incorporate more food and more calories, and once again I suffer, I am so full I feel sick. I need to spend sometimes hours after laying down. Sometimes I pace in the bathroom because I am so close to throwing up. I haven't had to take gravol much over the course of my journey but after those two appointments they were becoming vital in my survival. Plus I was gaining weight, quickly. So here I am again, back to the way I was doing that feels right for me.

I just don't understand why they are pushing for me to eat when I am not hungry... that's what got me to the weight I was once was, that's a bad habit. If I feel hungry I eat. I eat 3 meals a day and 2 to 3 snacks. I hit my protein goals. I drink more than enough water. I take my vitamins and supplements. My weight goes up and and down within 5 pounds. I don't understand their concern to keep me as an emergency patient that needs to be so closely monitored. I am not underweight, I am not malnourished, in fact I am still overweight. 

Am wondering if anyone else has had this issue with the dietitians afterward? It's very frustrating and I am close to saying good bye to them because they make me doubt myself and I think I am doing well. I want to go as low as I can go, not unhealthy low, but low enough that when I hit the stage where I ultimately gain some back, the lower I am the lower I will after that happens. If I end up at 140-150 I would be content with that. I will not be content with with 180.

I drank for the first time yesterday. I only took 2 sips of a vodka and cranberry drink and I was truly buzzed. I finished that drink and felt pretty hammered. Funny thing is though I ate something and it seem to all go away. I was at an event so 30 mins later I had another drink and it went the same as the first, had one more and I didn't seem to get really drunk but quite buzzed really quickly. More food came out, I ate and my buzz was gone almost completely. Once again after 30 minutes I had yet one more drink with the same affect. The final round of food came out later that night and I partook and it cleared it up again. I then switched to water and was perfectly fine, as though I hadn't drank a thing all night. 

I can see after last night how this could become a replacement addiction for some. It's interesting how it affects people differently.

So my hair has been falling out like it's got somewhere so much better to go. I don't think the shower drain, hairbrush, floor, vacuum or garbage seems that interesting and it should just stay put where it is. I've cut it and lightened it so it's not so noticeable, but apparently no one else really notices so that's good. I've been taking biotin 10,000 mcg a day since before the surgery but that didn't seem to do the trick. 

I did however find out this week that I am now anemic and one of the side effects of low iron is hair loss... little upset that it took them 5 months to let me know that I had a problem. So yay double whammy on the hair. I also get dizzy a lot when standing, which I was attributing to my now low blood pressure but maybe it's the iron. I guess it takes the supplements 3 months minimum to get in there and boost my levels and I hope by then my hair is staying and my head isn't so dizzy.

1 month and 4 days from surgery and not losing. Actually have gained a couple pounds. Can't figure out what I am doing incorrectly. Have an appointment in a couple weeks hopefully she can sort me out. I don't know if I am not eating enough, not drinking enough, not walking enough. I get 60g of protein min a day, most days more. I have lost only 12 pounds since my surgery and I honestly thought I would be further along then this. Feeling regretful the last couple of weeks and I know it's early on but I feel like my honeymoon is being wasted.

A week and a day since surgery. Last night was the first night I got actually sleep, clocking in 7 hours. Oddly enough it's left me tired all day, but I didn't nap.
2 days ago my gas pains subsided (woohoo!)
I have aches and pains and of course sharp little pains around all the incisions (6 + 1 where the drain was), and I can't take the tylenol with codeine because it makes me feel like I have vertigo.
I have started the countdown mentally to my soft food stage starting on Monday. Looking forward to that, can't wait to see if eggs and cheese will still be my friends.

2 weeks liquid diet... done
1 day water... done
1 more day water and then surgery.

I am nervous but I am looking forward to surgery being in my past and moving on with and enjoying life.