chameleon

Me again, not much happnin lately other than my daughter driving me crazier than she already has. I thought this crap would be over with when she hit 20 but the stupidity continues....hopefully not forever....but for now and into the next long while it's tough love time. I don't have time to be used and manipulated even by my own almost 22 year old child. I am soooo busy at work right now that I can't see straight, which is good, it makes the days fly past and I do my best work under pressure...to a point. I actually found that point of diminishing returns last year when I was putting in 90-100 hour work weeks and my brain could no longer function from lack of sleep. I gave the company that I had been working for for 15 years the big heave ho and took a new job back in my home town that I LOVE! My problem now is the pace is much much slower and I must have multiple projects in order to catapult myself into martyrdom. Yes, I have determined that I enjoy self flaggellation, figuratively speaking of course...much to my husbands dismay. Well thats it for tonight.....One more week til I get to have my fat ass polaroided for posterity at the work shop....can't wait to be on my way! Peace out :mad:

Well, Its 10 days till the workshop, I am planning on having my surgery at Cleveland Clinic with Dr. Phillip Shauer. I am probably being too hopeful at this point about being allowed to have the surgery, I still have to be approved by the ins. co. as well as the dr.'s. I guess I passed the preliminary requirements though since they called me back to schedule me for this work shop. It did take some time though since after reviewing my information they also had to get the ok from my oncologist who would not give the go ahead until after my latest set of scans which turned out to be fine (Thank you God:rolleyes: ). I know I meet all of the basic stuff, ie: being at least 100 lbs over ibw...I'm about 135 over, having at least a 5 year history of obesity....try 18 years, having tried numerous commercial and Dr. assisted diets/weight loss programs...well lets see....how big can this journal entry be....started with amphetamines when I was 17 and not even fat, I thought I was but I wasn't at 5'7" and 130 pounds! then did the dexatrim thing that was so popular back in the early 80's. Then the Hilton Head diet (which is actually a pretty good plan if you are disciplined enough to follow it), The whole Susan Powter gamut, (great lady, a little bit of a man hater, but a great motivator),Then Mayo Clinic, Then more dexatrim, then Weight watchers (Great plan for those who enjoy the public rewards and patting ya on the back thing...but really the best plan out there today), Cambridge (yuck yuck and more yuck), Then optifast (Lotsa Money and Lotsa Yuck), Then the grapefruit diet, the cabbage soup diet, More weight watchers, Atkins, South Beach, More weight watchers, Revisited Susan Powter (just for a pick me up and because I was newly divorced and I was also a man hater for a little tiny while and then, because I really love sex and men and being in love, I just evolved into an ex husband hater-pitier), Interspersed in all of these commercial attempts were 3 Hypnosis attempts (Can you say too cynical to let the power of suggestion to be anything but a joke), One 3 month stint with redux (I lost 40 pounds in 3 months and didn't even have to try, of course it was ripped from the shelves after people started to keel over from pulmonary embollisms, and hear valve damage....wouldn't ya know it....the only thing that hs ever ever worked and it has to kill people!!! I am so twisted that I searched and searched for it on the black market even though it was deadly....Such is the power of the promise of weight loss and beauty...it's my heroine), the how can I forget Xenical....Oh Xenical the diarrhea drug...there is something to say about shitting yourself at will, or even not at will...It's lovely to put on a pair of panty hose and just have shit oil dripping outta you like you're a leaky oil pan....no not a pretty picture, I only lasted for about a week with that...I had to be at work every day, I didn't have the luxury of laying in bed all day with a diaper on!, the list goes on....ritalin, trim spa, Dr. Phil, metabolife (before and after ephedrine), and I am sure that I am forgetting another 10 or so. The weight history goes like this: 17 127 19 130 20 151(had my daughter) 23 163 26 178 27 199(had my son) 30 223 32 247 33 207 (redux!) 34 214 35 221 36 223 37 237 (breast cancer) 40 245 41 272 (quit smoking! metastisis of breast cancer to lung) So...here I am, still alive and healthy except for the cancer which is gone or hiding right now, high cholesterol, and a herniated disk which waxes and wanes. But heres how I see it. Cancer or not I still want to feel good about my body. I may not be a good long term risk for the insurance company to invest in this surgery because I could live for 2 more years or I could live for 40 more years money's on less than 40 granted but whatever it is, I want to hold my head up high and enjoy the rest of my life being active and riding jet skiis with my son and boating and swimming with my husband. I love life and I want to do this so I hope the math doesn't stop them from giving me this chance, cuz if it does, there is no way I can afford it on my own. OK I'm off my soap box and getting ready for the Big Game!!! Go Steelers!:clap2:

Well, Its 10 days till the workshop, I am planning on having my surgery at Cleveland Clinic with Dr. Phillip Shauer. I am probably being too hopeful at this point about being allowed to have the surgery, I still have to be approved by the ins. co. as well as the dr.'s. I guess I passed the preliminary requirements though since they called me back to schedule me for this work shop. It did take some time though since after reviewing my information they also had to get the ok from my oncologist who would not give the go ahead until after my latest set of scans which turned out to be fine (Thank you God:rolleyes: ). I know I meet all of the basic stuff, ie: being at least 100 lbs over ibw...I'm about 135 over, having at least a 5 year history of obesity....try 18 years, having tried numerous commercial and Dr. assisted diets/weight loss programs...well lets see....how big can this journal entry be....started with amphetamines when I was 17 and not even fat, I thought I was but I wasn't at 5'7" and 130 pounds! then did the dexatrim thing that was so popular back in the early 80's. Then the Hilton Head diet (which is actually a pretty good plan if you are disciplined enough to follow it), The whole Susan Powter gamut, (great lady, a little bit of a man hater, but a great motivator),Then Mayo Clinic, Then more dexatrim, then Weight watchers (Great plan for those who enjoy the public rewards and patting ya on the back thing...but really the best plan out there today), Cambridge (yuck yuck and more yuck), Then optifast (Lotsa Money and Lotsa Yuck), Then the grapefruit diet, the cabbage soup diet, More weight watchers, Atkins, South Beach, More weight watchers, Revisited Susan Powter (just for a pick me up and because I was newly divorced and I was also a man hater for a little tiny while and then, because I really love sex and men and being in love, I just evolved into an ex husband hater-pitier), Interspersed in all of these commercial attempts were 3 Hypnosis attempts (Can you say too cynical to let the power of suggestion to be anything but a joke), One 3 month stint with redux (I lost 40 pounds in 3 months and didn't even have to try, of course it was ripped from the shelves after people started to keel over from pulmonary embollisms, and hear valve damage....wouldn't ya know it....the only thing that hs ever ever worked and it has to kill people!!! I am so twisted that I searched and searched for it on the black market even though it was deadly....Such is the power of the promise of weight loss and beauty...it's my heroine), the how can I forget Xenical....Oh Xenical the diarrhea drug...there is something to say about shitting yourself at will, or even not at will...It's lovely to put on a pair of panty hose and just have shit oil dripping outta you like you're a leaky oil pan....no not a pretty picture, I only lasted for about a week with that...I had to be at work every day, I didn't have the luxury of laying in bed all day with a diaper on!, the list goes on....ritalin, trim spa, Dr. Phil, metabolife (before and after ephedrine), and I am sure that I am forgetting another 10 or so. The weight history goes like this: 17 127 19 130 20 151(had my daughter) 23 163 26 178 27 199(had my son) 30 223 32 247 33 207 (redux!) 34 214 35 221 36 223 37 237 (breast cancer) 40 245 41 272 (quit smoking! metastisis of breast cancer to lung) So...here I am, still alive and healthy except for the cancer which is gone or hiding right now, high cholesterol, and a herniated disk which waxes and wanes. But heres how I see it. Cancer or not I still want to feel good about my body. I may not be a good long term risk for the insurance company to invest in this surgery because I could live for 2 more years or I could live for 40 more years money's on less than 40 granted but whatever it is, I want to hold my head up high and enjoy the rest of my life being active and riding jet skiis with my son and boating and swimming with my husband. I love life and I want to do this so I hope the math doesn't stop them from giving me this chance, cuz if it does, there is no way I can afford it on my own. OK I'm off my soap box and getting ready for the Big Game!!! Go Steelers!:clap2:

ReneBean...I am so excited for you too! You sound just like me the way you write, it cracks me up. There are some unfortunates out there that don't appreciate dry humor and the skinnies get somewhat uncomfortable at self deprecating fat humor too...I find it quite amusing myself. I don't have a surgery date yet, I am just in the beginning stages...scheduled for the workshop in 2 weeks. I hope to get a surgery date during spring break but that might be too much to hope for?? Well good luck!

I am beat! Very tough few days at work and my 21 year old daughter who is goin on 10 is ticking me off. My 14 year old son is my salvation now! I guess the first one gets ripped off in some ways...they are the product of on the job parent training and the second one gets the seasoned professional...with a little more money too! I am gonna start to track my food on here so just skip it cuz food tracking can't be anything BUT boring as hell! 8:30 am: 2 cups coffee 12:30 pm: 1/6 of a 16" pepperoni and cheese pizza 1 toasted cheese sandwich 16 oz. sweet tea (real sugar) 2:00 pm 16 oz lemonade (once again real sugar) 6:30 pm 1 whole can of chunky chicken noodle soup 8 saltine crackers 12 oz. diet pepsi WOW...thats kinda frightening! Obviously not banded yet but just curious to see what my normal eating habits look like these days....I kinda gave up tracking my food intake about a year ago...it just gets soooo old! I wonder how long it will take my insurance company to ok the surgery after the DR submits everything?? Well gotta go take a rest. Peace out...:notagree

I am beat! Very tough few days at work and my 21 year old daughter who is goin on 10 is ticking me off. My 14 year old son is my salvation now! I guess the first one gets ripped off in some ways...they are the product of on the job parent training and the second one gets the seasoned professional...with a little more money too! I am gonna start to track my food on here so just skip it cuz food tracking can't be anything BUT boring as hell! 8:30 am: 2 cups coffee 12:30 pm: 1/6 of a 16" pepperoni and cheese pizza 1 toasted cheese sandwich 16 oz. sweet tea (real sugar) 2:00 pm 16 oz lemonade (once again real sugar) 6:30 pm 1 whole can of chunky chicken noodle soup 8 saltine crackers 12 oz. diet pepsi WOW...thats kinda frightening! Obviously not banded yet but just curious to see what my normal eating habits look like these days....I kinda gave up tracking my food intake about a year ago...it just gets soooo old! I wonder how long it will take my insurance company to ok the surgery after the DR submits everything?? Well gotta go take a rest. Peace out...:notagree

My contribution would scare the bejesus outta ya, since one of mine looks like it has a butt crack since my lumpectomy in 2001, but I plan on going to the magic plastic doctor after I'm all done losing weight for another breast recon and lift and a tummy tuck or should I say a big belly blaster offer...yeah I like that much better. Tummy is much too much of a euphemism for what I'm talkin about. :target:

Happy Birthday! I am glad to read a positive journal entry...I am just at the start of the process, haven't had surgery yet, and I was getting a little worried.

well I am on here at 12:30 am cuz I can't sleep. I have not slept well in over a year. This past year has sucked...no wait let me tack on 20 years...no it hasn't been all bad, I have 2 beautiful kids and a second husband who is great 90% of the time so I am very greatful for those gifts. I am also very excited to have this surgery. I am trying not to get too excited though so I am only in the beginning stages... I have filled out the paperwork, found out that my insurance co. does approve the surgery when all the criteria are met, have gotten the ok from my oncologist and am scheduled to attend a work shop in 2 weeks. Yes I did say oncologist, I had breast ca in 2001 when I was 37, did chemo and radiation and got it back in my lung last year, had the small middle lobe of my right lung removed last Feb 28th and did chemo again til July. whats really scarry is that just before each of these cancers were found I was at this same stage of looking into bariatric surgery. I am hoping that the reason was that I needed to wait for this lap band procedure to become more prevalent because I was going to opt for the roux en y on the other occasions! I am glad I didn't! I am about 135 pounds over my ideal bw...a whole woman! I don't know how I got this way...no seriously...I am a dietician by education and I have done everything under the sun and still here I am. I was not always fat, although I always thought I was. Now I know my body image has been messed up all of my life. I thought I was a blimp when I was 19 and 5'7" at 130 pounds! Now I am over 2x that and I actually don't realize I am as fat as I am until I see myself in a picture or a home video or naked in a mirror, then it's like wham ohh my god is that you in there?? I knew I was somewhat obsessed with losing weight all of my adult life but the flares really went up the first time I was diagnosed with Cancer at 37. My first thought was God please let me live to see my babies grow up and get on their way. The very next thought was well at least I will loose some weight finally. Well guess what...I gained weight with chemo...the drugs I took for nausea blew me up and then, I would try to find any kind of food I could keep down and I would eat so my stomach would stay full and my tastebuds would stay occupied with a thought of anything but the disgusting taste that was always in my mouth during chemo. I put 20 more pounds on my 220 pound body! I gained another 15 more over the next 3 years and then lost about 10 at the gym over the next year. Then I was diagnosed again last Feb 21st, one month to the day of my fathers death from lung cancer, (he hadn't smoked in 20 years and died Jan 21st at 66 after only 5 months from diagnosis. He was the greatest man I'll ever know) Prior to this I had just taken a new position with the giant conglomerate of a corporation that I had worked for since graduating college in 89 and had moved up through the ranks to be offered this "fabulous" opportunity about 500 miles from my home and the rest of my family. My husband and I decided it was a great offer and he quit his job, I sold my home that I loved, we took my 13 year old son and we moved in July of 2004 My dad was diagnosed in August. The company wrote a bad contract and lost the account in December, I quit smoking on Jan 2nd, 2005 (I never quit before except during chemo because I took my surgeons words "this cancer has nothing to do with ciggarette smoking" as a lifeline to smoke on and on and on, but as I watched my healthy handsome father die a rotten death that WAS definately due to smoking I could no longer justify it to myself). and dad died a few weeks later, then I was diagnosed four weeks after that, did my chemo and got a great job offer back in my hometown! Thats my story in a large nutshell! Anyway, gettin back to the surgery, my sister gets upset because I make jokes about how I am afraid that the insurance company will find some reason to decline me because I am a bad long term return risk....If ya don't believe they would do such a thing....WAKE UP! Then there will be a war cuz I have made up my mind that even if I live for a year or 40 years after the weight is off it's better than dieing fat like I am now. I think of all the grief and humiliation and disrespect and physical pain that being fat has caused me and I think NO MORE!!!! No more being wedged into an airplane or theatre or opera house seat, no more not riding roller coasters because I am too afraid to even go up to the car for fear of the intense humiliation that would ensue if I was told that I was too fat for the bar to lock down, No more knee, back and hip pain, no more lights out for sex, no more worrying that it will take twenty pallbearers to carry my coffin in my funeral...YES I DO THINK OF THAT! I just refuse to bear that final humiliation! I am so ready to live life to it's fullest and feel good about myself for the first time in 20 years...Life is way too short to live it this way. love, me:kiss2:

well I am on here at 12:30 am cuz I can't sleep. I have not slept well in over a year. This past year has sucked...no wait let me tack on 20 years...no it hasn't been all bad, I have 2 beautiful kids and a second husband who is great 90% of the time so I am very greatful for those gifts. I am also very excited to have this surgery. I am trying not to get too excited though so I am only in the beginning stages... I have filled out the paperwork, found out that my insurance co. does approve the surgery when all the criteria are met, have gotten the ok from my oncologist and am scheduled to attend a work shop in 2 weeks. Yes I did say oncologist, I had breast ca in 2001 when I was 37, did chemo and radiation and got it back in my lung last year, had the small middle lobe of my right lung removed last Feb 28th and did chemo again til July. whats really scarry is that just before each of these cancers were found I was at this same stage of looking into bariatric surgery. I am hoping that the reason was that I needed to wait for this lap band procedure to become more prevalent because I was going to opt for the roux en y on the other occasions! I am glad I didn't! I am about 135 pounds over my ideal bw...a whole woman! I don't know how I got this way...no seriously...I am a dietician by education and I have done everything under the sun and still here I am. I was not always fat, although I always thought I was. Now I know my body image has been messed up all of my life. I thought I was a blimp when I was 19 and 5'7" at 130 pounds! Now I am over 2x that and I actually don't realize I am as fat as I am until I see myself in a picture or a home video or naked in a mirror, then it's like wham ohh my god is that you in there?? I knew I was somewhat obsessed with losing weight all of my adult life but the flares really went up the first time I was diagnosed with Cancer at 37. My first thought was God please let me live to see my babies grow up and get on their way. The very next thought was well at least I will loose some weight finally. Well guess what...I gained weight with chemo...the drugs I took for nausea blew me up and then, I would try to find any kind of food I could keep down and I would eat so my stomach would stay full and my tastebuds would stay occupied with a thought of anything but the disgusting taste that was always in my mouth during chemo. I put 20 more pounds on my 220 pound body! I gained another 15 more over the next 3 years and then lost about 10 at the gym over the next year. Then I was diagnosed again last Feb 21st, one month to the day of my fathers death from lung cancer, (he hadn't smoked in 20 years and died Jan 21st at 66 after only 5 months from diagnosis. He was the greatest man I'll ever know) Prior to this I had just taken a new position with the giant conglomerate of a corporation that I had worked for since graduating college in 89 and had moved up through the ranks to be offered this "fabulous" opportunity about 500 miles from my home and the rest of my family. My husband and I decided it was a great offer and he quit his job, I sold my home that I loved, we took my 13 year old son and we moved in July of 2004 My dad was diagnosed in August. The company wrote a bad contract and lost the account in December, I quit smoking on Jan 2nd, 2005 (I never quit before except during chemo because I took my surgeons words "this cancer has nothing to do with ciggarette smoking" as a lifeline to smoke on and on and on, but as I watched my healthy handsome father die a rotten death that WAS definately due to smoking I could no longer justify it to myself). and dad died a few weeks later, then I was diagnosed four weeks after that, did my chemo and got a great job offer back in my hometown! Thats my story in a large nutshell! Anyway, gettin back to the surgery, my sister gets upset because I make jokes about how I am afraid that the insurance company will find some reason to decline me because I am a bad long term return risk....If ya don't believe they would do such a thing....WAKE UP! Then there will be a war cuz I have made up my mind that even if I live for a year or 40 years after the weight is off it's better than dieing fat like I am now. I think of all the grief and humiliation and disrespect and physical pain that being fat has caused me and I think NO MORE!!!! No more being wedged into an airplane or theatre or opera house seat, no more not riding roller coasters because I am too afraid to even go up to the car for fear of the intense humiliation that would ensue if I was told that I was too fat for the bar to lock down, No more knee, back and hip pain, no more lights out for sex, no more worrying that it will take twenty pallbearers to carry my coffin in my funeral...YES I DO THINK OF THAT! I just refuse to bear that final humiliation! I am so ready to live life to it's fullest and feel good about myself for the first time in 20 years...Life is way too short to live it this way. love, me:kiss2: