I hope this is okay for posting. Not exactly the topic or story I wanted to bring up in public, but hopefully some anonymity shall make it a tad less god awful.
I've had a long term eating disorder spanning decades. It's fluctuated in type over the years, but relapse has been more of a familiarity to me than recovery. I wouldn't say I've been in official recovery the past year, but negative and self destructive behaviours have diminished considerably compared to what they once were.
My surgeon was told up front of my eating disorder and issues there, as was the dietician during the consultation prior to pre-ad etc. I work with my GP, mental health professionals and I'm on the waiting list for an ED clinic program run by one of the universities. I feel these are all essential to any chance of successful and healthy progression with getting the surgery.
The problem is that with the surgery, getting the surgery date and it looming so very near, I haven't felt ready at all. It is a culmination of many things currently going on in my life, but the surgery is a significant contributor to stress. This has impacted my pre-op diet routine more than I expected.
First week there was no issue in sticking to the actual diet itself (no swaying to "banned" foods), but the issue was having to force myself to actually have the shakes and eat at all. This then flipped as the weekend came and I ended up having a rather unpleasant reunion with self destructive patterns I haven't seen in a long time (in this case, bingeing and purging). The past few days have been a chaotic back and forth between not eating at all, trying to get back on the right path, and those destructive habits.
I don't believe I have relapsed, but I do fear I am about to have one - this could be because I'm just generally stressed so I am anxious about anything potentially damning to my surgery going ahead (the cycle between this and the habits sparked by those fears and them actually impacting on that is prevalent to say the least).
I don't want to have my surgery date changed, I don't believe that will solve any issues in a positive way at all. I do though greatly worry about not getting a handle on my current actions and what that will do to the surgery. I truly don't want to screw that up, but rationality doesn't really factor into irrational behaviour.
I'm not very sure if I'm asking for advice, if there is any advice to give in this case. Perhaps it's that I just needed to vent some (to which I apologise). I will be seeing my GP this week and I will be bringing it up with her as priority.
I would like to know though, am I something of a loner in this situation, or have there been others who have had the conflict between dealing with WLS and a long term ED? I would be interested in other's experiences if there are any willing to share.